Ruben Studdard, how could you?

My post yesterday, about how Mos Def once got high, married a white stripper, and will probably never hear the end of it, got me to thinking, could I ever marry a woman if I knew for a fact that she used to be a stripper?

It would be one thing for a brother such as myself, since I don’t have any money. One of these hoo-ers could take me for all that I’ve got, and it probably wouldn’t be enough for her to live on for more than a few weeks.

Yeah, I’d be out $800, but in all likelihood, I would have had sex with a woman who used to be a stripper, on multiple occasions. And I’m sure there’s plenty of guys who would pay more than $800 just to have sex with a stripper once.

So if anything, getting married to a stripper could actually be viewed as a hook-up, if you’re a brother such as myself, even if the shit doesn’t turn out well in the end. In fact, if any strippers are reading this and want to get married holler at your boy. I think my mom would even view it as a positive development in my life, especially if the stripper was black.

But what if you’re the kind of guy who’s got enough money to where you’d think he’d be able to find an attractive woman to marry who wasn’t a stripper. (Which is not to say that you need money to marry an attractive woman. I’m just saying. It certainly helps!) If you’re a brother with a check, does it ever make sense to marry a former stripper?

Of course, the reason I bring this up is because I read the other day, in the News section of this very site, mind you (who says Ruben Studdard isn’t hip-hop? probably the same people who say Oasis isn’t indie rock), that Ruben Studdard is getting married to one of the girls from the infamous “Tip Drill” video.

On the one hand, I can only congratulate the brother. I’m sure her ass is just incredible. And I can only imagine (and I have) what she’s done to him to make him go through the public humiliation of getting married to one of the “models” in the most notorious uncut video evar. Suffice it to say she must have broken him off something proper.

But on the other hand, I mean, come on. This broad was in the motherfucking “Tip Drill” video! What the fuck was this guy thinking? I don’t care how well she threw it back. This can’t possibly end well. Has he not been reading my shit?

Granted, the fact that this broad was in the “Tip Drill” is mostly being reported by some of these black gossip-oriented sites. But you have to think Ruben knew about this shit before he walked down the aisle with this broad this weekend. How in the fuck are you gonna date a woman for two years and not know she was in the “Tip Drill” video? It just doesn’t seem very likely.

Beyond the fact that he’s gonna have to live the rest of his life (i.e 5 more years) knowing he married a girl who got paid to shake her ass in a video for a song whose chorus goes, “It must be your ass cuz it ain’t your face” (and wouldn’t you know, this broad has a face like a chimpanzee), he’s probably gonna get taken for whatever money he’s got left over at this point from being on American Idol.

As jimbrah izrael would say, this looks like a setup from the curb.

I was researching this shit just now, and it’s so obvious to me this broad sought him out – because he looks like the kind of guy that might still have a hard time getting some stank on his hanglow, despite the fact that he used to be on TV, and he used to have a major label recording contract. (He got dropped a long time ago, right?)

There seems to be conflicting reports about how the two of them met in the first place. But in general, you get the idea that she saw Ruben Studdard was gonna be in town, and she was like, “I’m about to put it on this big, greasy, chicken-eating nigga and get him to marry me!”

If you notice, in the version of the story printed in the Money Times, Ruben claims they met when she went to a Wal-Mart to have a CD of his signed for a friend…

“I was signing copies of my CD and she came in to get one signed for her friend who couldn’t get off from work,” Ruben said in an interview. “We started talking, and she was telling me about her friend. But I just looked at her and thought, `She is so beautiful.’”

where as, in the version that ran in Vibe the other day, it says she came in to get a CD signed, then he tracked her down in the toy department to get her number.

Studdard met his future wife at a CD-signing at a Wal-Mart in Atlanta in October 2006. The singer said he was struck by her beauty and later tracked her down in the toy department and asked for her number.

Now, I don’t doubt that this is more or less the way the shit went down. But I’m wondering, if she came to Wal-Mart to get a CD signed for a friend who couldn’t get off from work (has the friend corroborated this? or was there a friend in the first place?), why did she then head to the toy department? Did the friend need some Ninja Turtles, too?

Nah, she was probably back there waiting for him to get done signing CDs, so she could ambush his ass with a blowski, and maybe some chicken. But he couldn’t wait, so he got up and found her. She underestimated how much of a simp this guy really is. I bet, as soon as she saw his big-ass coming down that toy aisle, the sound of a cash machine went off in her head. Cha-ching!

  • http://myspace.com/marko4aoc Marko-V

    When I got a cover article in the St.Louis American and went to push my lil cds on the block do you know how many strippers ran up to me like, “Can I marry you? You’re goin to be famous.”. I mean all the girls from the Pink Slip, Bottoms Up, and even Soft Touch where the Rose Man got his wig pushed back came callin. I wasn’t easy to turn down. So I’m sure a nigga like Ruben who won American Idol and been on the cover of People magazine had all kinds of stripper pussy. He just got overwhelmed.
    Get @ me: myspace.com/marko4aoc

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    golden line: “Nah, she was probably back there waiting for him to get done signing CDs, so she could ambush his ass with a blowski, and maybe some chicken.”

    there comes a time in every man’s life where he must make a decision: do i want to get laid regularly. looks like the big man made his decision.

  • Maddolies

    Which One Is She Frm Dat Video?
    Da Gurl Wit The Durty Ent Chain On I Used 2 Wanna Smash

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      Well, that’s the thing. You might not actually be able to see her face in the video. (If I was the director, I would have insisted on it!)

      • ill G

        omg the whole post was hilarious bol u are a fool man i was dying she got him!!! i bet he aint even sign a pre nup…fuckin ruben

  • Bang

    LMAO the broad cant even pretend she likes his music

  • og bobby j

    aint it fucked up that she couldnt even lie to the big greasy and say the cd was for herself? If she wanted to mesmerize him with the bearded clam, she could have atleast fronted like she wanted his john handcock…

    I bet the played tip drill at his Crown fried catered wedding

  • geico lizard

    1:22 walking in front…. white godiva shorts
    1:59 white godiva shorts
    2:46 camera pans to the right- smiling on right of screen.
    She is one of the chicks getting freaky in the bathtub scenes…
    Bol you also have to realize Reuben is from Alabama and most women in alabama weigh about 200-400 pounds and they probably make this chick look like an angel in comparison. you really broke down her in the toy aisle i knew it was a setup but for her to say she came to get it signed but then not to leave immediately and why would she even make small talk with him if it was for a friend. im usually mister conspiracy when women suddenly fall in love with a fat or ugly guy now that he is famous they care about his personality and heart but you beat me to that one i didnt think much of it except he shouldnt have acted so damn desperate by hunting her down in walmart im sure he was almost ready to get on the intercom system and start describing her so people would know who she was and send her ass back to his table so he could ask her out.

    • BigD

      LMAO, this is real funny. Is is true that all the hoes weight that much in alabama? lol

  • http://www.xxlmag.com/?p=22691 jay

    lmao! another classic

  • BIGNAT

    a blowski and maybe some chicken tham bol you killing me with this one. let ruben have his dream of turning his ho into a housewife,

  • Big James

    I think the Geico Lizzard has it wrong I think she is the girl on the far right of the screen when Shawty ask the girls if they know what a Butta Head is.

  • northern california bay area

    tha only way id marry a stripper was if she was once married to a rich old man who left her all his bread after he died and well, you could figure out tha rest…

  • Dub Sac

    So the chicks name is Surata Zuri McCants for all those who want to google for pics.

    And I’ve gotta say, all that “beauty” he saw at the CD signing must have been relative to the rest of Wal-Mart, cause anywhere else, it probably wouldn’t have gone down like that.

    See for yourself.

  • john

    kobe married a video girl too.

    • Rob the Music Ed

      yeah but Vanessa is BAD!

  • yoprince

    LMAO.. ya’ll niggas funny..

    strippers need love too and ruben is the perfect nigga to give it to ‘em.

    ruben needs good chicken and good sex..

    i need a little good convo thrown in the mix, but ruben prolly doesn’t.. congrats to him.

  • 11KAP

    I wouldn’t marry a stripper.