NEGRO PLEASE: Farnsworth Bentley Coons for “Everybody”

[Editor’s Note: “Blogger’s Note” has been taken over by Ron Mexico until further notice]

As soon as XXLMag.com posted Farnsworth Bentley’s “Everybody” video featuring Andre 3000 and Kanye West, a certain editor (whose visage may or may not be at the top of this blog) implored that I go in heavy on the video.

[Hint: His name rhymes with “snarl crackpot berry” and some readers think he’s locked up.]

The truth of the matter is that I actually dig the song and even enjoy the video.

*violent gasp* There. I said it.

I hope you people don’t think that means we can’t still have ourselves a hate party.

Ronaldinho has absolutely nothing against paying playful homage to the Negro of yesteryear. That Five Heartbeats shit they got going is pretty ice cold in some regards. I’d love it without reservation if the rapper/proprietor were damn near anyone but Mr. Bentley Coonsworth and his band of merry owners weirdos.

Both the song and video are about having and maintaining universal appeal. Ironically, nothing pleases the massas masses like some quality coonery. Everybody loves that!

Coonery had universal appeal back in the days of the great Negro Boy Bands. Turn on your television today. In the rare instance you come across a black person, you’re over 80% likely to find some form of coonery attached. The Big C’s universal appeal hasn’t gone a cot-damn place. It’s bothersome as fuck and apparently here to say—like DJ Khaled.

If the Diddies of the world wanna be putting out orange alerts they could start with one addressing coonery being at an all-time high. Don't hold your breath, though. Diddy doing that would be like a Gremlin setting off the sprinkler system or drawing the curtain at 9AM.

[Blogger’s Note: Puffy is nowhere near as intelligent as the Tony Randall Gremlin.]

Bentley is gonna be the nigga that makes classic coonery cool if we let him. He and Ne-Yo throw on monkey suits, hoof it up and call it being a "gentleman." I say “He is your slave?”

"You see the way he's pouring the wine all nice and gentle-like? That's how we broke him."

I don’t know what I detest more—the notion of our children aspiring to be career dope boys or career Yassabosses.

“I wanna be a jester when I grow up” is equally painful to hear as “I wanna serve Uncle Day-Day a $20 rock,” or better still—the timeless classic, “May I take your jacket, sir?”

I liked Bentley better when he carried the teacups silently. Oh, you shoulda seen it. He’d carry the whole tea tray back to the kitchen doing the Charleston. I never once heard that porcelain rattle.

This is not to take a single cotton clump away from Fonzie’s talent. Mr. Bojangles could dance his ass off too. The problem is he was still Bojangling. He even got a chicken spot named after him for his efforts.

You know your contribution to society has made a turn for The Big House when you’re honored with a fried chicken franchise.

Bill Robinson did his shuffle back in the 1880s when slavery was still fresh. What’s Bentley’s excuse exactly?

Negro, please.

While he could easily be the new face of Darkie toothpaste, Farnsworth is far from the only coon working. Coonery takes on many forms. But Bentley's definitely a throwback to the glory days of the Mammy and Sambo. He’s challenging Jangle Leg for the distinction of the coon world’s Jerry West.

For today’s generation, he’s the Jordan logo.

Questions? Comments? Requests? More tea, Mr. Combs? Fiji Water? Fancy some cheesecake? ron@ronmexicocity.com

P.S.: Stop giving Kanye West singing parts! That’ll be just another thing he’ll think he does better than everyone else on earth. In Ye’s World, he’s already the G.O.A.T. rapper, producer, international sex symbol and political activist. Don't let him think he's Donny Hathaway too.

She said she wants some Marvin Gaye... some Luther Vandross...