Gangsta rap, a wholly owned subsidiary of Cracka-ass Cracka, Inc.

When I was a kid, I remember I used to see those TV commercials where you could buy houses and cars seized from drug dealers who had been arrested, and I would think, “Man, that’s an incredible deal.” I’d wonder why everyone wouldn’t just buy their shit at auction.

Plus, I think I realized early on (I was always very perceptive as a child, that’s why I blog for a living), that I might never be in a position where I’d otherwise be able to buy a car or a house. I’ve never been the kind of person who excels at things.

It wasn’t until years later that I realized that, if you bought a car that belonged to a drug dealer who was in jail, and he got out and he saw you riding around in his car, he’d probably try to shoot you and get his car back. The guy’s already been in jail, so he probably would shoot somebody.

I’m not sure what’s the likelihood of a drug dealer seeing you riding around in a car and knowing for certain that it’s his, but why run the risk? The only thing I could see is if you bought a car that belonged to a drug dealer in a different town.

I know a lot of Asian kids, who of course fetishize black culture (or are we gonna pretend that they don’t?) will buy low riders that used to belong drug dealers in LA and have them shipped over to China or whatever. But I doubt they’d try to pull that shit right there in LA!

Buying a house that belonged to a drug dealer would definitely be out of the question. Even if the drug dealer never came back, you’d have to deal with crackheads showing up looking for some rocks. It might be a good way to get some head, but head’s not that expensive anyway.

Similarly, I’m not sure if, if I was one of these rappers, and I had the means, I would want to buy Death Row Records, which I guess got taken from Suge Knight because he owed too many people money, and he ran off anyone who might be able to make him another hit. (Oops!)

Back when it was announced that Death Row was for sale, I suggested that Diddy ought to try to buy it. Obviously, he’s got the money, and it seemed like a good idea at the time, in that it would have been the ultimate fuck you to Suge Knight, who may or may not have been involved in killing Diddy’s one positive contribution to hip-hop.

But it’s probably for the best that Diddy didn’t bother. I doubt Suge Knight would have liked it very much at all, and Diddy already dodged a bullet once, quite literally, back in 1997. Why tempt fate twice? I’m not saying Suge Knight’s the kind of guy who would have Diddy killed for buying his label. I’m just saying.

As far as these other rappers are concerned, who knows? Would it be such a big deal if a rapper who wasn’t even around back in those days, who has the means, bought Death Row? Like, what if Ludacris had bought the label.

I got to thinking about this shit the other day, because someone actually did buy Death Row. In particular, I was concerned that the amount that they paid didn’t seem like a whole lot of money, and it seemed like this might have been a good opportunity for one of these rappers, who are always looking for new business opportunities.

Some company I never heard of – probably just some cracka-ass crackas with a shedload of money and decent investement sense – bought Death Row recently for $24 million. I’m not sure if they got a whole lot with the deal, but they did get the rights to what sounded like pretty much every album Death Row put out, including the likes of The Chronic, Doggystyle, and All Eyez on Me.

Now granted, I’m no expert on math or business or anything like that, even though I have a degree in it. But I’m thinking that $24 million dollars for Death Row Records had to have been a pretty good deal, right? I mean, if you just happen to have $24 million lying around. How long can it be until you make back your initial investment and then start checking cheddar like a food inspector?

Let’s do a little math. Let’s say this company makes $8 for every Death Row album it sells. Which is what I’ve often read is the cut of the album these TIs get, before they account for production costs and pay out what little fraction, if any the artist receives. (Any music industry people reading this, feel free to correct me, if I’m wrong.)

Doing a little long division here, unless I’ve failed to carry the zero or some shit (some would say I’ve been carrying the zero for years…), I’ve determined that these cracka-ass crackas only have to sell 3 million Death Row albums to gross $24 mllion in sales. That’s it. And let’s say they have to sell a few more, to cover costs, before they’ve recouped their investment. Still, these motherfuckers probably just bought themselves one hell of a cash cow.

Only thing is, I’m not sure how well those old Death Row albums sell these days. You know how old rap albums don’t sell as well as old rock albums. I was reading the other day how AC/DC, who haven’t been relevant since the days of Back in Black, i.e. a little while before I was even born, signed this incredibly lucrative deal with Wal-Mart, and it was saying how they still sell over a million albums a year, to this day. Certainly, all of Death Row’s acts combined = one AC/DC, no? It’d be pretty sad if they didn’t. Shit, it’s pretty sad any way you look at it.

  • Josh

    Don’t forget licensing opportunities.

  • 239allday

    First off, them cars from the auctions are cheap as hell and you a pussy if thinkin about what some d-boy might do to you, Grow A Pair. And also I saw on TMZ a couple of weeks ago that it was some middle aged white woman who bought Death Row.

  • 11KAP

    all they put out was rap anyway, basically.

  • EL BRECHADOR

    DEATH ROW OR SHOULD I SAY THA ROW IZ A DUN DEAL:( EVERYTHANG DAT WUZ EVA DUN BY THOSE TALENTED ARTIST DAT HAD DA MISFORTUNE OF BEING WRAPED UP IN DA DEF ROW CURSE HAS GONE DOWN DA DRAIN! THANX SUGE!

    HOTTEST LATINO RAPPER IN DA GAME MYSPACE/ELBRECHADOR.COM 500,000 HITZ W/O A PIC.

  • http://www.going.com/larrybrite Lancelot

    Why didn’t 50 buy it? Hell – why not Dre & Cube? HELL, why not E40?

    Def Jam????

    something ain’t right herrrrrr.

  • jimmyjoints

    yo you totally lost me with that black album-era jay-z reference.

  • http://www.myspace.com/friscorepresenter ant

    I work in an asian community and i for damn sure know them chinamens wanna be black sooooo bad….and i think after suge got knocked the fuck out hes been waiten 2 redeem his self so yeah he probly wuld kill diddy wit his bare hands if he bought death row…that old white lady better watch out

  • Mr. 306

    jimmyjoints you’re an idiot. It wasn’t a Jay-Z reference…its an AC/DC song. and hey bol, what the odds you fuck off on the cracka ass cracka shit? wtf is that? did a white boy slap you or something when you were young?

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      >did a white boy slap you or something when you were young?

      Probably. You know how white people are.

      • Mr. 306

        lol alright yeah i do. maybe just cut the racist shit

      • Pierzy

        I suddenly love white people even more than before

    • jimmyjoints

      hey jr. 306, you seem to be a little confused here. let me help you out, big guy! when bol mentions “checking cheddar like a food inspector”, he’s actually doing this thing called ‘making a reference’, and not really talking about cheese at all! pretty cool, huh? you see, in writing, when you ‘make a reference’ to something, it’s like you’re giving the reader a wink or a nudge, and secretly saying to them “hey, remember this? this was cool.” awesome, right??? it’s kinda like when jay-z said, “so when I say a B.I.G. verse, I’m only bigging up my brother, bigging up my borough.”

      you get it now?

      oh yeah, please don’t mistake that last quote for the name of an AC/DC song. it kinda sticks out on rap sites. don’t be late to soccer practice!

      • Mr. 306

        Alright i can admit i missed that one jimmyjoints. late to soccer practise? really? actually? You’re gonna go there? Grow the fuck up. Why is racist undertone you guys use acceptible? Reality5000 is right on point with you guys stunting any racial equality. I dont mean black people in general. Just about everything i listen to is a black artist. I’m in Canada and wrote an artical about Nas’ then Nigger album and got serious heat backing black rights. But when you go callin us crackers? You’re starting something you dont want to be starting. i dont mean internet thug shit but i do mean we can really talk about everything obvious. Suge bought out by a cracker…enough said.
        Bol this shit is your problem. cause your gonna fall off if all you do is hate. I dare you to name 5 emcess you dont bash constantly….cant do it hay. Sounds like a washed up MC hating on talent all the time. i like your posts. you were my favourite by far cause i laugh. but this racist shit is fucked. Pierzy? sarcasm? i really hope not.

        • Boogie The Don and thats whats up.

          Ice Cube.
          Redman.
          Young Berg.
          Big Boi.
          Scarface.

          Never.

        • Pierzy

          Being that I’m white, yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s sarcasm. Thanks for asking.

    • Yayza

      The ironing is delicious…

      Listen to PSA, then come back and apoligize.

  • drox

    co-sign 239allday
    stay on the facts. Auction shit is cheap… dont b 2 much of a wuss…

  • Pierzy

    It’s no AC/DC but All Eyez On Me, Doggystyle, The Chronic and Dogg Food probably still bring in some type of cash every year. I think it’s based on Suge’s lack of business savvy – I mean, it’s not like he was only a bodyguard to put himself through business school

  • reality5000

    im sick to death of people calling white people crackers what the fuck is that u think it aint the same as nigger yo i hate racist remarks i have a black son and im white how the fuck do i explain that shit to him the world is fucked enuff without you returning the favour for what my great grandparents did im from a hood with drugs guns and poor people who cant eat dont message back on this just fucking think ……

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      >i have a black son and im white how the fuck do i explain that shit to him

      And this is my problem… how?

    • DevilintheFlesh

      I agree with you….These guys act like that shit ain’t offensive….and if they know it is and still say it then they are ignorant “untitled”.

  • DON TRAPACINO

    It wasn’t until years later that I realized that, if you bought a car that belonged to a drug dealer who was in jail, and he got out and he saw you riding around in his car, he’d probably try to shoot you and get his car back.

    Im willing to bet that scenario has never happened

  • Mean Greene

    Is today the day that Bol learned most of his readers are crackety cracks??

    Sorry white boys ya gotta take it. Blame ya cracka-ass great grandpappy. Man that feels good to say.

    LMAO @ you crackas turning this post into some racial shit.

    • Mr. 306

      We gotta take it? what kinda hardships on that my “cracka ass great grandpappy” did has effected you in any way? and yeah im not from the states so my grandpappy was smuggling your grandpappys buddies into my country. sorry your grandpappy was too stupid to get out

      • og bobby j

        ethered!

      • Mr. 306

        i said not to play this shit sorry greene

  • reality5000

    well if you dont understand that cracker and nigger are the same then u will never be my equal and i will never be yours, our children can change the world but if your son grows up saying white people are crackers then what have we acheived in our lives no growth, no progress, tupac is dead and so is his whole lifes work cos of people who wont look past the past and and that is our future STUPID NIGGERS AND CRAKA-ASS CRAKAS how sad is that…

  • ri067953

    Yeah, old rap albums don’t sell as much as old rock albums because none of them contain classic material. Hip-hop artist date themselves too much because they be on some trendy shit. Remember, Large Professor told Q-tip not to say the year on a track so people can’t really date the song.

    Imagine, sitting in your rocking chair, listening to Deez Nuts telling your grandkids how you meet their grandmother while listening to that song! LMAO!

    • NAPTOWNNUISANCE

      you have got to be smokin some serious shit.old school rap had no classics?check your damn head.if it wasnt classic material none of those artists would be called legends to this day and their material legendary.example look at all the young bucks who respect the hell out of it.not to mention someone knowin how much death row will bring in because after all these years the classic songs from them still sell,just like def jams(even though they had alot of garbage people call classic,ja rule? come on man).OH AND FUCK BOL HE’S A FAGGOT ASS RACIST.BLACK OR WHITE IF YOU SAY RACIST REMARKS YOUR NO BETTER THAN THE NEXT MAN.DO THE WORLD A FAVOR CHANGE,OR KILL YOUR SELF.HATE BREEDS HATE.

  • henry

    isnt cracker supposed to mean like the whip cracker (did that make sense?) so its not that same as nigger

    • Mr. 306

      Well im not sure but that’d make sense. But wasn’t nigger probably derived from the country niger? if its derogatory then its the same. I wont deny nigger carries alot more fucked the fuck up shit with it but still…you guys got as much right to say it as i do to say nigger, which is none

      • 239allday

        For all you cracka ass crackers, nigger I believe was actually derived from the Latin negro meaning black. Cracker in no way can ever carrie the same meaning nigger does. I know a lot of Crackers that carry the title proudly. White people take all of our slang and fuck it up, so Ricky or Johnny can we please have cracker. Ay Big Willie, I’mma have to remix your song right fast. “Take it from me CRACKERS just don’t understand”.

        Cracka = police (fuck them)
        Cracker = White people

        Honkey…Ay George Jefferson, WHAT UP!!!

        • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

          billy sunday would have a blast with this. as he has written before, “nigger” came from the germanic “neggar”. think arnold swarzeneggar. it was a word which described the people who labored in the fields. so, arnold comes from a family of laborers. historically speaking then, the first “niggers” were white people. it is likely that people of germanic descent that came to the us, prospered, and then purchased slaves, used the term to not only describe what the africans were doing, but also used the word to disparage them and to express their own perceived supremacy.

          cracker could never be as harmful. cracker does not have the same history of oppression and murder, even up to this very day. the problem is that you think you are being forward thinking when you actually have very little understanding of what is at work here.

  • pete

    bol is a racist… against whites and blacks… the sad thing is that he has to be racist from behind a computer screen… and he sucks at blogging… if this is the best that XXL has to offer, then they had all start looking for new jobs… maybe Suge is looking for some body guards…

  • Mr. 306

    No body guard would be bad. Too many enemies Bols made. Guarantee if he keeps this shit up his blogging career? will be over

    • dronkmunk

      Can you maybe stop with all the question marks? You douchebag?

      • Mr. 306

        clever. i meant the question mark as in questioning it as a career

  • Neven

    This whole blog response is too funny and I’m a Cracker from Canada ah. Who cares it’s fu(king blogging grow up. ya they us nigger and cracker as hate all the time but this is what NaS new album is about turn these hate names into common names. Fu9king brush the should off. If they say it to your face and meant it then yes it’s on, but grow up its blogging. bol just pulling an Andy Kaufman on you. we all should just lighten up.

  • BIGNAT

    you sure it was just for 24 mill i thought i read for 124 mill. well it doesn’t matter i am not getting any of that money

  • reality5000

    if u call me a cracker im offended and same vice versa, it aint what it means its how it feels to be labelled or pigeon holed which is what black people have faced for centurys, bol has no answer to this subject because unlike me he is racist,he holds an obvious grudge against white people,im not racist i cook black,fuck black,and try to look black,and last i heard imitation was a source or flatery,if you think im corny taking this shit to a third comment then i apoligise,my son is black i swear on his life and i hate the world he has to live in,and bol has been given a voice of power and uses it terribly i think he shud take some time off and go see some white orphans and see that the world suffers whilst this black man sits high in the office of xxl on the internet (white’s invented the web bitch) making useless coments…if death row was white owned back in the day pac might still be alive….

    • og bobby j

      keep saying you got a black kid but your white? Adoption or maury? just wondering

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    Just say peckerwood and be done with it cuz.

    • og bobby j

      7 star candy Kane is back…..gotta pay that electric bill dog….

  • reality5000

    his name is tremaine his mum is african and im his real dad sorry not alot of intersting story too it lol altho his grandfather came into his life last year on a british talk show but thats beyond what u asked so i’ll leave it there….p.s,we need to vote this guy off the blogs and get some real dudes like KRS One or russel simmons bloging….

    • exkasperated by this post

      >i have a black son and im white how the fuck do i explain that shit to him

      And this is my problem… how?

      ^^^^^^
      haha the only difference between (alternate)reality5000 and bol is bol knows he’s racist. I would much rather listen to someone who knows he doesn’t know, than to someone who thinks he the white malcolmx cos he knocked up a black girl.. thats like white people claiming they like rap cause they turn ‘with you’ up when chris brown comes on .. (before he iked rihanna).. I can’t talk too much shit, 5k, ive been there before but you can tell me you’re not racist when you stop telling people you have a black baby.. cracka ass cracka

  • escobar9300

    crack ass cracka? What the fuck is this 1974? Take it easy Shaft. lmao you’re ignorant as fuck my man

  • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

    i’m guessing nobody seen that chris rock shit.

    maybe it’s time to start citing dane cook.

    • http://www.asdf.com Hey

      Ain’t nobody seen that shit bruh. Quit smokin sherm.

  • http://www.xxlmag.com Benicio Del Thoro

    If you dish it, you’d better be ready to take it.

  • Shady

    fuck u, u raciest fuck if this was a white guys blog sayin ” hey i bet a nigger bought death row” he would probably get locked up for a hate crime

  • Adrian

    Actually AC/DC’s Who Made Who was pretty decent but since then, cacca,

  • Macdatruest

    Bol is a Racist. Let me say that first. But let me also point out that white people created racism and all the things that make race what it is in America, a means used to devide everybody. “The Black Vote” lol Bol is a Black Baldhead Racist. But so is the Justice System, Business Class, School System, etc. So Bol just a slave to what he been through prolly, which is weak too though. Man up Bol!!! Don’t be what you hate. Bol not riding through the streets arresting kids for not having State ID’s on them, creating criminal records for later down the line. Bol aint one of the white slumlord who own all the houses in the ghetto, and let them turn to shit just to save tax money and take advantage of the Segregated neighborhoods in the city. I suppose black folks dont need much, right? I’m young black and I’m in college own property and all but I’m up in Wisconsin and trust me, when the white people on here stop getting mad about Bol being openly racist, then we can talk about the even bigger problem-The Unspoken Racism: the racism thats never questioned cause it’s “not there” but its everywhere around you, on TV on the Radio in the News. FOX News is nothing but racists. My dad was around in the sixties, so I’m pretty sure some of yours were too. It was a different time for blacks than whites. So was the seventies. So was the eighties. Shit, Frank Jude just got beat to a pulp on the southside two years ago and raped with a nightstick while he was handcuffed and the cops walked, with pay. Bol is a racist. Cracker? oops Cracka. wow-Thats the new problem in America? Thats prolly the least used and least harsh derogatory term for whitefolks. I prefer to just be proud to be Black and educated about myself that seem to make white devils even madder. And just so you know, Devil=Slanderer. Don’t think all white people is devils either.But some are raised by racists parents and grandparents and just dont know enough about black people to know we are not all the same. My white boys is my niggas for real, and when I’m talkin to them I might be like “nigga that shit was on point” or whatever but its more like he my nigga like we in it together cause thats how it is for us niggas whether we like it or not. Thats prolly were nigga came from Niggas being called Niggers so much it’s like aaight We niggas? Fuck it then aaight my nigga..much love my nigga. I call white people “Bungies” cause black folks never will bungie jump. But I love all God’s people though…

    • og bobby j

      son, i feel what your saying…and I aint racist in the least….but I am a realist. Facts are, most racial stereotypes and generalizations are based off truths. I wont begin to debate the existance of racsim in both the white and black communities…but i will say it exist in both….in the black community..it is rooted in anger, historical oppression and evny. In the white community, it is based of inadvertant feelings of guilt, but mostly from fear. Until people, as a whole, can judge each as an individual, there racism will never end. For example, I have a friend who refers to Obama as a “daywalker”. I, although I am not voting for Obama, think that shit is fucked up. I am not racist, and am open to joke and laugh about things dealing with race but it really isnt a laughing matter.

      • JAY STONE

        WIGGER PLEASE!!!!!
        Everybody here and their mama knows that you are a racist so shut up!!!
        Peckerwoods like you are the reason while racist exists in the first place so just shut your dumbass.
        OBAMA 08

        • NAPTOWNNUISANCE

          WIGGER? Man that makes you just as much of an idiot as a white racist. Wigger stands for wanna be nigger. So in essence you are just saying nigger. Wise up moron.Cracker is no different it is still a racist word in it self if used by a black person. It is being used in a derogatory fashion hence it is being used by a black racist. Hate breeds ignorance and this thread is the very proof that ignorance and hate still exists on black and white fronts. racism will never change as long as ignorance is around so get used to it it isnt going away which is a damn shame.

  • GMan

    bol im white i like chicks with big black asses

  • http://www.soundclick.com/rivalz THE RIVALZ

    Who ever purchased Death Row that was a smart investment.

    (uk.youtube.com/rivalz111)

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    Nah cuz shits been kinda wack topics dont interest as much. but I see I have acquired an e-stalker in you,and every time a whitebwoi get to yappin bullshit here you come with ya underwear on the outside of them tight ass jeans ya’ll be wearing.