That G.I. Joe Movie Is Gonna Suck Balls Next Year

Snake Eyes…

All due respect to Billy Sunday (has anyone seen his ass anywhere?), but I didn’t really care when Ghostface got cut from Iron Man.

By the way, some folks told me one of Tone’s videos plays in the background at some point in the movie. I guess that was their way of shouting him out since they cut him. Still, I didn’t care whether Ghost made it or not. My only concern was that director John Favreau pulls Iron Man off (staying true to the Marvel comics) and in my opinion, he did. I remember being skeptical when I first heard Robert Downey Jr. would be playing Tony Starks. He played the hell out of that role.

That’s just one of the criterias, though. Having grown up on comic books and cartoons like Transformers and G.I. Joe, I’m really anal (pause) about the way they’re brought to the big screen. It starts with picking the right actors. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine? Thumbs up! Ben Affleck as Daredevil? Not so much. But once the characters are in place, I look to the story lines and the history to see if the studios aren’t remixing the original too much. I know some of the younger kids on here most likely enjoyed Transformers last year, but while I found it entertaining, I couldn’t get over Megatron being a jet rather than a gun like in the original cartoon. From what I hear, having a robot transform into a gun would have resulted into an NC 17 (does that still exist?) or Rated R movie. You know them studios are trying for PG 13 at the most, so they can make their money. The thing is, the flick had giant scorpions body piercing people to death, guns galore and an explosion or three. Is that not excessively violent already? Another thing that bugs me about these movies is how unnecessarily hip they try to make them. I remember them having Optimus Prime saying, “my bad.” Dude, if he didn’t say it on ABC, I don’t wanna hear it.

Right around the time Transformers came out, I got wind that they were also prepping a G.I. Joe movie for 2009. Yes! My thinking was that the characters, minus Serpentor and Golobulous when they reach that point, would be easy to pull off, so there was no need for changes. Pffftt! I just got my hands on photos of Destro, Cobra Commander‘s No. Dos, and dude doesn’t even have a mask. Like…Why? You gon tell me it’s that hard to pull off?


Here’s what Destro will look like in the movie.

I don’t curse that much, but this is well deserving of some @&*$%@! Like, what the flying 747 fuck is going on? Why no mask? Budget? You mean to tell me the mask is too violent? Too scary for kids? Too hard to recreate? At least Baroness, Destro’s jump off, looks pretty decent. I never got what Diddy sees in Sienna Miller, but I must say she looks quite smashable in this Baroness outfit.

I’m pissed, but then again they messed up the Goblin‘s mask in Spider-Man 1 and the flick was still fire. I got my fingers crossed. What do you guys think? When recreating these flicks, how receptive are you to the changes these big studios make? Granted, some of those series are old, but I’m sure there’s a way to make certain details current without alienating die-hard fans. Yo Joe next summer? I’m concerned, but I’ll take my chances.

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  • Pierzy

    I feel you. Transformers turned into a movie about a high school geek in love with the hott girl that hates him so I don’t have much hope for GI Joe.

  • Optimus Prime

    Dude honestly, I don’t particularly care how well the movies fit the comics as long as they don’t murder them or cast somebody who acts like he’s constantly got a raging boner (see: Ben Affleck). I thought Ironman was amazing and transformers was as well, although not quite as much so as Ironman. But yeah, I hate to be “that guy” but one criteria is ‘criterion,’ not that it matters.

    First…? Probably not

  • Danny

    I’m more skeptical when it comes to video game turned to movies…

    I don’t curse to much either but…


    I mean did anybody see DOOM?!!

    What the F*ck was that Bull Sh*t???!!

    • Chris

      Even The Rock hated that movie. (see Wrestle Mania 24 Hall of Fame Ceremony)

  • Kevin L. Clark

    G.I. Joe is going to be… interesting to say the least… I think they’re ruining our childhood shows, man…

  • The Modest Bastard

    Dude, I think you’re jumping the gun. I think this is an origins story so this is what Destro will look like before the mask comes into play. My beef… the wack ass costumes. Only Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow look official!

    • ill G

      cosign i think thats just how he looks before the mask comes into play…either way i think the shit will be hot



  • ron mexico

    g.i. joe is gonna blow elephant dick.

  • Cal

    Man i’m glad I wasn’t a fan of transformers as a kid, and coz of that I was able to enjoy the film without having to bitch about how a fucking sentient biped robot turns into a jet instead of something as rediculous as a gun. Man I marvel these studios for dropping aspects that were only cool in the eighties. For real how the fuck do you expect that whole gun shit to work? You gone have Megatron turn into a Ruger then trot around on his handle tryin’ to aim?
    Granted the whole tryin to be hip thing was corny as hell we still get our money’s worth. Although I must say your frustration with these remakes makes sense in that O G’s feel the same way about todays radio play garbage that doesn’t emit the old school hip hop flavour.

  • ron mexico

    “I remember being skeptical when I first heard Robert Downey Jr. would be playing Tony Starks.”

    funny… i was certain the movie was gonna be great as soon as i heard that casting.

  • 6 100

    I’m waiting on the Thundercats live action flick.

    I hear Panthro is gonna be Micheal Clark Duncan

  • Sinistah aka 7Body Sin

    ohhh damn, this looks like it’s shaping up to be worse than that Street Fighter hack-job…..

    a Maskless Destro??? dude looks like he should be in some vampire film or some shit…. Snake Eyes was a stealth muthafucka but this dude here looks like some Sci-Fi Space Ninja…….

    good luck!

    and Beat L.A. Bitches….. Celts in 5, fuck an opinion!!!

  • Incilin

    I aint even into action films that much (I haven’t seen Transformers, Iron Man, or even Spider Man 3, and I don’t miss them either) but I will say that the superhero film I’m dying to see is The Dark Knight. I can’t believe you don’t even mention it in this post. Chris Nolan brought incredible new life into that franchise. And yes, I hate just about any move a studio exec does (in almost every field) since they usually just end up butchering whatever the actual artist wanted to do.

  • render

    Destros bottom bitch looks like shes auditioning to be the underworld chick

  • Ether

    ya know how i know this movie is gone bite ass…..muthafuckin marlon wayans is in it!!!

  • thoreauly77

    dang man, if you’re that big of a fan of Iron Man, at least call him Tony Stark. ghost goes by “starks”. Sorry to be so picky, but that is what nerds do.

  • Rizob

    I feel ya bruh! Marvel totally screwed The X-Men and the Fantastic 4 Movies. They come correct on the Spider-Man joints. The “New” Hulk look fie(cause that first one was a yawner) and They did Iron Man justice. I just couldnt get over how they completely made up some new story line for the x men! The Xmen story line is perfect right off the comic pages, why rape it to the point of no return! Prof X dies, Rogue and Magneto lose their powers, Wolverine and Storm are basically the leaders, and you mean to tell me that Phoenix cant kill Wolverine?!?!? BULLSHIT! so im with you on the anal(pause!!) Hopefully they dont screw up GI Joe, as bad as they did xmen….

  • Maddolies

    G.I. Joe always came off as Being on the Down Low IMo.

  • Neven

    Megatron being a jet rather than a gun like in the original cartoon

    saving it for the sequel. remember he was lock up by the us army so he was still in his original form when he broke out. the sequel will probably start with the US shipping a secret high tech gun and Megatron will copy its blueprints and become the gun he was in the cartoon.

    Hollywood is #$%^&*% up all the old comics and video movies but movies are for movie fans not comic book fans. So they are trying to make new story’s out of the old characters. Most people I know that like the new movies don’t even read the comics or new nothing about the old story lines