NEGRO PLEASE: Shaq Just Kidding, Doesn’t Care to Know Ass Flavor?

[Editor's Note: "Blogger's Note" has been taken over by Ron Mexico until further notice.]

“You know how I be.
Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.
You know how I be.
Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.

I call myself ‘Big,’ but I’m not as good as Biggie.
I call myself ‘Big’ ’cause I live next to Diddy.
Excuse me. Diddy lives next to me.
So in the hood, dog, I feel like Big.
‘Cause if Biggie was still here
He would be right there.
On Star Island in a mansion somewhere
Chillin. Sittin on about half a billion.
Cuz me and Gunz combine shit. That’s half a billion.
For real dog, Now that’s BIG.
And can’t nobody in the world do it bigger than me.
That’s like a white boy trynna be more nigga than me.
That’s like a homeless man havin more figures than me.
That’s like Patrick Ewing havin more rings than me.
That’s like rappers havin cars… things than me.
That’s like you sayin to yourself you better than me.
That’s like Kareem sayin to hisself he better than me.
Now stop. Think about that.
It ain’t about that.
It’s about BIG AKA Big Shaq.
Now, that’s the difference between first and last place.
Kobe. Nigga. Tell me how my ass taste.

Okay.
Kobe, tell me how my ass taste.
Okay. Everybody.
Kobe, tell me how my ass taste.

I’m a horse.
Kobe ratted me out.
That’s why I’m getting divorced.
He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil.
I don’t do that. ‘Cause my names ‘Shaquille.’
I love ‘em. But I don’t leave ‘em.
I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ‘em.

Kobe, how my ass taste?
Everybody. Kobe, how my ass taste?
Yeah!

You couldn’t do without me.
Kobe, you couldn’t do without me.
Kobe, you can’t do without me.
Everybody. Kobe how my ass tastes?

Yeah. You can’t do without me.
Yeah. You can’t do without me.
Yeah. You can’t do without me.
Everybody! Kobe…

Crowd: Tell me how my ass taste!!!

Yeah. Thank you. Brick City in the building.”

-Shaquille O’Neal, Freestyle @ Village Underground

I thought a transcript might prove helpful for anyone (like myself) who may have undergone a little shell-shock watching Sunday night’s installment of the newest Negro Channel reality program, Shaq Fu: Can’t Stay Away.

BET cameras lazily follow Shaq around malls, strip malls, strip clubs, club clubs and pep rallies… all while he should be preparing for the upcoming season.

Obviously Black Announcer: This week, The Diesel pops some shit at Kobe.

Couldn’t you see it now? It’d be just like Keyshia Cole’s shit. Wayyyy better than College Hill.

I’m surprised Shaq didn’t break out the Doug E. Fresh dance.

The first half of the session is one of those obnoxious Harlem streetcorner “freestyles” where your 5 closest homies double your vocals.

It’s good to see Cory Gunz, though. I thought they sent his ass to Iraq or something. I’m well-pleased to see that he’s successfully entered the family business of carrying Shaq’s smoke bag.

“Cuz me and Gunz combine shit. That’s half a billion.” Word? I could picture the music video right now. Shaq putting about $499,999,985.00 on a weigh station scale and Cory tossing his Super Mario Bros. wallet on top.

“Here, Johnny. Put that with the rest.”

The funniest part about this whole shit is that Shaq actually had the whole crowd chanting “Kobe, how my ass taste?”

I can’t stand Kobe, so I would have been fuckin dying if I were actually there Sunday night.

“I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MCs do. They freestyle when called upon. I’m totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all… Anybody who knows me knows I’m a funny freestyler. Check the NBA DVD when I was rapping about Vlade Divac during my first championship run. Please tell everybody don’t make something out of nothing.” –Shaquille O’Neal, via Stephen A. Smith

Congregation,

Even though Shaq’s initial drop is totally XXLevant in and of itself, we are gathered here today because a nigga like Kazaam is trying to tell us grown-ass people that this shit wasn’t personal in the slightest.

Even if it’s only a freestlye, when homie’s stream of consciousness asks Kobe “how my ass taste?” about 12 times, I’d have to say Shaq’s still got old #8 on the brain.

I’ve beaten on a few lunchtables, park benches and subway seats in my day. I’ve kicked freestyles with my boys and gone in on their parents, hairy girlfriends, ugly siblings, junkie uncles, dirty clothes and all that shit you do in high school. I ain’t never once ask any of them niggas how my ass tasted.

I’m pretty sure, anyway.

We’ve said some fucked up shit, but we’d never steam on each other’s junkie relatives in public though. There was at least enough respect to keep that degree of hate in-house.

Obviously the shit that’s gone down between The Diesel and Mr. Can’t Do Without still touches a nerve or three. While the two may be playing it civil these days, we can’t help but believe they’re on Schillinger/Beecher status. According to the verse, I’m assuming Shaq is Schillinger as Kobe’s the one assuming the ass-tasting position.

There ain’t no damn joke when a 9-foot tall, pop-locking ogre says, “Kobe ratted me out./ That’s why I’m getting divorced.” How do you compare calling Kobe a snitch on stage in New York City to making some fuckin Borat jokes on an NBA DVD no one’s ever seen? In hip-hop’s eyes, as supported by comments here the short while I’ve been, the only thing worse Shaq could have done was to attack The Mamba’s heterosexuality.

Hmmm. Wait a minute. “Tell me how my ass taste?” Is that maybe mildly homoerotic? Nah. It can’t be. Shaq couldn’t have been sayin no gay-ass shit, my nigga.

Why does Kobe taste your ass anyway? You watched Kobe lose the NBA Finals to the Boston Celtics in some hotel room with a Heineken and a hoodrat in your lap. After she takes the whole Heineken bottle you come up with a Kobe verse to drop at the next party you’re invited to?

–But it’s nothing personal. We shouldn’t blow any of this out of proportion.

Negro, please.

[Blogger’s Note: I guess Kobe’s already tasted Paul Pierce’s ass… and that homely little white girl’s he tried to burn Shaq with. Blech.]

Questions? Comments? Requests? More nigga than me? ron@ronmexicocity.com

  • 6MillionDollarMan

    Now Kobe……………..Tell me how my ass taste?

    Shaq just ethered that imitation Jordon.

    Kobe is like the spongebob jays you see in the street.

    Fake and badly made

    • florida_evans

      I’m tired of people referring to Kobe as the ‘imitation Jordon’.Oh ,I get it-JORDON.Not JORDAN.Got it.(Ya’ll niggas can’t read and still can’t spell)…

  • http://www.going.com/larrybrite Larry Brite

    Shaq need a ghost writer because that was baaaaaaaaddddddd.

    people payin more attention to this than the 6+ albums – wow.

  • Worley

    Shaq went in on Kobe for real. There is also something funny about Shaq having watched the finals this year. I guess this is another case of two dudes going half on a sh*t sandwich.

  • Pierzy

    If Kobe is really hip-hop, he’ll respond by rhyming over one of Shaq’s beats…not “Make It Reign” or “No Love Lost” but “What’s Up Doc?” – let Kobe flow over that!

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      he should defintely respond over “you can’t stop the reign.”

  • chad bro chill

    hahaha good post
    “the only thing worse shaq could have done was to attack The Mamba’s heterosexuality”
    tell me how my ass taste

    since when is kobe dissing out rim jobs anyway u kno a friend of mine got one from a girl at a concert said it isnt all its cracked up to be

  • Deez Nutz

    Shaq>Lil Boosie
    (still can’t believe Ron Mexico said Lil Woosie was a great lyricist or whatever bs he said…with that be said…Ron Mexico almost>Bol)

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      whoooa… when i said boosie was a great lyricist?

      i’m not entertaining ron mexico/bol comparisons. haha.

  • Rizob

    that was a classic freestyle! he had the crowd in it and everything! Kobe better not say shit!

  • Toothburger

    Shaq > B.I.G

  • Detroit P

    I’m usually with you Mehico, but not this time..I think you readin too much into it…I agree on the notion of “how is Kobe tasting your ass when he made it to the finals and you didn’t” but other than that…meh..whether it was personal or not could go either way..the shit wasnt that deep

  • northern california bay area

    dude on espn, i think it was anderson, was like

    id rather watch kazaam then this…

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      sportscenter anchors went off last night. i was fuckin rollin.

      anderson and van pelt and them… they know their hip-hop [not so] on the low.

  • http://www.nerditry.com nerditry

    @Mexico : You’ll know it’s on if Kobe shows up at Suns training camp to whoop Shaq’s ass and then shit in his grill.

    !!ADEBISI LIVES!!

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      kobe is definitely adebisi.

      he loves the leather cheerio… with force, if necessary.

  • http://ww.myspace.com/friscorepresenter ant

    Shaq freestyle>lil wayne freestyle

    Now tell me how my ass taste!

    Hiphop aint dead it live @ shaq house….next 2 diddy

    • chad bro chill

      actually diddys house is next to shaq’s house

      • Larry Brite

        Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    • ThaRealBoiWonder

      LMFAO!!!!!!!!

      Ant u a fool…

  • Dave

    “I’ve beaten on a few lunchtables, park benches and subway seats in my day.”

    That’s gross, Ron. Out in public like that, man?

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      i’m an exhibitionist. what can i say, mane?

      knew someone was gonna say something about that soon as i wrote it.

  • jonathan

    thats cool. yeah we know shaq was talking to me! all that ass taste nonsense! i aint worried about that goodluck! she been doing that since high school! seriously! and you gotta be a gay mofucka to actually like that salad tossing shit! that was when a nigga was 17 years old! i could careless what hope does! i think thats her problem! a nigga dont think about her regardless of what she stole from me! seirously! i could careless about all of you seriously! have the time of your life! i know whats good! and thats what matters! i like the shaq song! its funny! you know he is a funny dude! it dont hurt my feelings at all! seriously!

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      where the hell has your crazy ass been?

      the blog hasn’t been the same.

  • http://myspace.com/ser0productionz Ser0 PHX

    Shaq gets slapped by sheriff for Kobe rap
    by Associated Press
    Updated: June 24, 2008, 5:08 PM EST
    add this
    Shaquille O’Neal will lose his special deputy’s badge in Maricopa County because of language he used in a rap video that mocks former teammate Kobe Bryant.

    Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio said the Phoenix Suns center’s use of a racially derogatory word and other foul language left him no choice. Arpaio made Shaq a special deputy in January and promoted him to colonel of his largely ceremonial posse earlier this month.

    “I want his two badges back,” Arpaio told The Associated Press on Tuesday. “Because if any one of my deputies did something like this, they’re fired. I don’t condone this type of racial conduct.”

    Shaq was seen in a video posted on the celebrity news and gossip Web site TMZ.com rapping that “Kobe couldn’t do without me.” O’Neal skewers the Lakers’ star, with whom he won three straight NBA titles from 2000-2002 while with Los Angeles, for not being able to win a championship without him.

    “I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever,” O’Neal told ESPN.com Monday. A call to the Suns on Tuesday seeking comment from O’Neal was referred to his public relations firm, which didn’t immediately respond.

    Arpaio, who describes himself as “America’s Toughest Sheriff” and is best known for feeding jail inmates green bologna, clothing them in pink underwear, and making them work on chain gangs, said he didn’t expect his actions would teach Shaq a lesson.

  • http://myspace.com/DJMydas DJ Mydas

    “‘Cuz me and Gunz combine shit. That’s half a billion.’ Word? I could picture the music video right now. Shaq putting about $499,999,985.00 on a weigh station scale and Cory tossing his Super Mario Bros. wallet on top.”

    Gunz is ill and all, but wooooooow. That was funny as shit.

    • that dude

      HAHAHAHA that was hilarious.

  • 239allday

    Yo I am too high to be readin this shit nigga, its funny as fuck. Am I the only one who saw them niggas in the backround knowin the words to shaqs so-called off the dome? Either way nigga Shaq-fu ethered Kobe. Ay mexico, could you tell me why bol is still bloggin? That shit he posted today was straight ass cheeks. Oh and maybe its because I am from the south but I like Boosie.

  • mo

    Ok so clearly shaq has been rehearsing this for years now just waiting for kobe to get to the finals and that was the gayest shit ive ever heard for real hes getting mad he is old and half the player he was

  • King B

    “That’s like Patrick Ewing havin more rings than me.
    That’s like rappers havin cars… things than me.”

    lmao!!!! he couldn’t finish that second line this nigga didn’t do no damn platinum numbers how the fuck does that sound??? lol

  • iGotOnMyBackpack79

    LMFAO @ the Super Mario Bros. wallet line

  • henry

    i was thinking about why nobody there at the crowd told him he was wack but then i remembered how big he is

  • DaRuc

    Damn dat shit was wack!!!!!!!!! Shaq mad that the Suns didnt rise in the west like he predicted! Remember that shit he said when he got traded!!! HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Kobe will always be better than Shaq on the court!!!! He always needs a player like Kobe or Wade to win it! Phoenix dosen’t have that plus he burned the fuck out just go ahead and retire, we don’t need you anymore!!!!!!!!!!

  • Siiz

    “Tell me how my ass taste” > “I’m a venereal disease”

  • geico lizard

    that freestyle was funny and kobe should respond to shaq now because shaq will go harder at kobe after they only bring back the bronze in august. corey gunz was trying to be there for his godfather but next time he should ghostwrite for him. some girls said shaq was saying vanessa tossed his salad and kobe is tasting it when he kisses his wife but i think they just took it too far.

  • northern california bay area

    why am i thinkin “tell me how my ass tatse” is gonna be tha new “you mad cause im stylin on you”…

  • poo

    didnt even waste my time readint the post…pointless as usual. holla.

  • icon (trillbert arenas)

    LMAO @ “Schillinger/Beecher Status”—welcome back, Ronnie Mex

  • smashirony

    “L.A. didn’t make you a bitch… you were born one.”