NEGRO PLEASE: R. Kelly Walks?!
[Editor's Note: 'Blogger's Note' has been taken over by Ron Mexico until further notice.]
"We find the defendant [Robert Kelly] not guilty of all charges and counts therein.” – A jury of his peers
It’s 7 o’clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me.
Yesterday was Father’s Day, that special Sunday in June I usually completely forget. In the hood, most of us try to reflect on good-for-nothing, sack-of-shit skeet-and-run artists we’ve never known. R. Kelly got to reminisce on the good old days when he could drink a gallon of water, wait 20 minutes and have the booty-butt naked 8th grader in his den come upstairs and ask “Daddy” for help in the “shower.”
[*CLICK HERE* to watch a couple CNN douchebags analyze courtoom antics]
Sheeeeeit! These CNN talking heads crossed swords and busted two nuts apiece watching that sex tape. They say what they will about it being blurry... and all black people looking alike, but I can tell they loved every “disgusting” minute of it.
To this very day I haven’t seen a second of that sex tape. For starters, I’ve never been as interested in seeing R. Kelly naked as my peers have. Secondly, if the tape contains what everyone on earth claims it does, I’ve also never been stoked at the prospect of seeing a 14 year-old girl getting banged and/or pissed on.
Yet, somehow I just know his nasty ass did that shit.
I’m equal parts amazed by Kelly’s voice and songwriting ability (see: “Sex Planet”) as I am alarmed by his pedophilia. His storied catalogue (including international perv anthems “Seems Like You’re Ready,” “Your Body’s Callin’ Me,” “Age Ain’t Nothin’ But A Number” and “Bump & Grind”) teeming with sordid lyrics about sex with impressionable young ladies speaks volumes to his sexual preferences.
Speaking of “Age Ain’t Nothin’ But A Number,” everyone also seems to forget the time this nigga spent mentoring a hardly-pubescent Aaliyah Haughton. I’m sure the afterschool sessions went something like this.
Also, the man refers to himself as the “Pied Piper.” Am I the only nigga on earth who read what the Pied Piper of Hamelin actually did with his “pipe?”
I know they’re into some trill shit in Germany, but come on.
See. This here is why I never get selected for jury duty.
Who goes to trial 6 whole years after being charged with a crime, anyway? I got picked up with a $20 sack in the park a few summers ago. (The search was one of those good ol’ unlawful jawns.) I told my lawyer to inform the judge that I was Ron Mexico and that I had some very important blogs to write. She wasn’t hearing any of that shit.
Do you know what a 6-year delay in due process actually means? Well, if you’re of terrorist descent it means you get top billing in a U.S.O. lingerie show and all the Fritos you can eat in Guantanamo Bay. If you’re a hot-shot negro with countless platinum records and more money than God, it means you get to live it up for a good while.
It also means the prosecution had 6 years to formulate a case against this man. Strangely enough, after 6 whole years they approached the bench with a case softer than baby shit, which Kelly may actually be getting into tonight.
Homie’s back on the block, right? I’m just saying he might as well celebrate with a girl even younger. Fuck the Kids’ Choice Awards. Been there. Done that. Jamie Lynn Spears may already be going half on his baby. Raven Symone’s got facial hair. Miley Cyrus should have grass on the field by now.
It sounds like high time for greener pastures. I say go straight for the Backyardigans crowd. Fuck it.
Shortly after the verdict had been reached, a commenter in another post here on XXLmag.com asserted that Kells was now part of the elite “O.J./Michael Jackson club.” I thought the comparison was a reach at first, but the point remains and is pretty valid. Money and stardom can shake off charges that niggas like you and I would just have to eat.
For those of you still in a euphoric state over the verdict, your Kelly prize should be arriving quicker than your economic stimulus check. Obviously feeling saucy after his acquittal, the Piper has promised each of his faithful supporters a jarful of his new sold-for-charity marinade (much like the "Newman's Own" line). According to a press release, the primary ingredients are “pickle juice” and “mayonnaise.”
This installment of “Negro Please” ain’t really for R. Kelly. He did what he had to do, I guess. It ain’t even for his "Junior High School Musical" co-star. Sparkle's cuzzo came through in the clutch for the P Team and I’m sure she’ll never have to work at the Dairy Queen another day in her life.
No, this one’s for the prosecution and anyone who buys the Zorro-masked molester’s Eddie Murphy: Raw defense… like the Kells supporter in this video.
Negroes, please. This includes white people.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Holler @ Mr. Fuck You Man. firstname.lastname@example.org
P.S.: I sure hope he has a song about all this in the tube.