NEGRO PLEASE: R. Kelly Walks?!

[Editor's Note: 'Blogger's Note' has been taken over by Ron Mexico until further notice.]

“We find the defendant [Robert Kelly] not guilty of all charges and counts therein.” – A jury of his peers

It’s 7 o’clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me.

Yesterday was Father’s Day, that special Sunday in June I usually completely forget. In the hood, most of us try to reflect on good-for-nothing, sack-of-shit skeet-and-run artists we’ve never known. R. Kelly got to reminisce on the good old days when he could drink a gallon of water, wait 20 minutes and have the booty-butt naked 8th grader in his den come upstairs and ask “Daddy” for help in the “shower.”

 [*CLICK HERE* to watch a couple CNN douchebags analyze courtoom antics]

Sheeeeeit! These CNN talking heads crossed swords and busted two nuts apiece watching that sex tape. They say what they will about it being blurry… and all black people looking alike, but I  can tell they loved every “disgusting” minute of it.

To this very day I haven’t seen a second of that sex tape. For starters, I’ve never been as interested in seeing R. Kelly naked as my peers have. Secondly, if the tape contains what everyone on earth claims it does, I’ve also never been stoked at the prospect of seeing a 14 year-old girl getting banged and/or pissed on.

Yet, somehow I just know his nasty ass did that shit.

I’m equal parts amazed by Kelly’s voice and songwriting ability (see: “Sex Planet”) as I am alarmed by his pedophilia. His storied catalogue (including international perv anthems “Seems Like You’re Ready,” “Your Body’s Callin’ Me,” “Age Ain’t Nothin’ But A Number” and “Bump & Grind”) teeming with sordid lyrics about sex with impressionable young ladies speaks volumes to his sexual preferences.

Speaking of “Age Ain’t Nothin’ But A Number,” everyone also seems to forget the time this nigga spent mentoring a hardly-pubescent Aaliyah Haughton. I’m sure the afterschool sessions went something like this.

Also, the man refers to himself as the “Pied Piper.” Am I the only nigga on earth who read what the Pied Piper of Hamelin actually did with his “pipe?”

I know they’re into some trill shit in Germany, but come on.

See. This here is why I never get selected for jury duty.

Who goes to trial 6 whole years after being charged with a crime, anyway? I got picked up with a $20 sack in the park a few summers ago. (The search was one of those good ol’ unlawful jawns.) I told my lawyer to inform the judge that I was Ron Mexico and that I had some very important blogs to write. She wasn’t hearing any of that shit.

Do you know what a 6-year delay in due process actually means? Well, if you’re of terrorist descent it means you get top billing in a U.S.O. lingerie show and all the Fritos you can eat in Guantanamo Bay. If you’re a hot-shot negro with countless platinum records and more money than God, it means you get to live it up for a good while.

It also means the prosecution had 6 years to formulate a case against this man. Strangely enough, after 6 whole years they approached the bench with a case softer than baby shit, which Kelly may actually be getting into tonight.

Homie’s back on the block, right? I’m just saying he might as well celebrate with a girl even younger. Fuck the Kids’ Choice Awards. Been there. Done that. Jamie Lynn Spears may already be going half on his baby. Raven Symone’s got facial hair. Miley Cyrus should have grass on the field by now.

It sounds like high time for greener pastures. I say go straight for the Backyardigans crowd. Fuck it.

Shortly after the verdict had been reached, a commenter in another post here on XXLmag.com asserted that Kells was now part of the elite “O.J./Michael Jackson club.” I thought the comparison was a reach at first, but the point remains and is pretty valid. Money and stardom can shake off charges that niggas like you and I would just have to eat.

For those of you still in a euphoric state over the verdict, your Kelly prize should be arriving quicker than your economic stimulus check. Obviously feeling saucy after his acquittal, the Piper has promised each of his faithful supporters a jarful of his new sold-for-charity marinade (much like the “Newman’s Own” line). According to a press release, the primary ingredients are “pickle juice” and “mayonnaise.”

This installment of “Negro Please” ain’t really for R. Kelly. He did what he had to do, I guess. It ain’t even for his “Junior High School Musical” co-star. Sparkle’s cuzzo came through in the clutch for the P Team and I’m sure she’ll never have to work at the Dairy Queen another day in her life.

No, this one’s for the prosecution and anyone who buys the Zorro-masked molester’s Eddie Murphy: Raw defense… like the Kells supporter in this video.

Negroes, please. This includes white people.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Holler @ Mr. Fuck You Man. ronnie_mexxx@yahoo.com

P.S.: I sure hope he has a song about all this in the tube.

  • http://xxlmag.com the brown

    Yo this web site is hot today!

  • http://www.xxlmag.com whats really good?

    r.kelly still lost in my eyes.
    pervert ass nigga!

  • Simba

    I’m starting a R.Kelly watch at all area middle schools and high schools. If you see R.Kelly you are to blow a whistle which will alert the adults that R.Kelly is in your area.

    • westcoast mexican

      shut the fuck up

    • chad bro chill

      no no u stupid mexican i think simba is on to something

  • render

    If the bitch didn’t wanna get peed on, she woulda moved outta the way

    • Penelope Rodriguez

      LMAO

      Like you Ron, I still think R. Kelly fucked that girl. The tap came out when I was 13, and I haven’t seen it. I don’t want to either. Wouldn’t watching the tape make you somehow an accomplice to the crime, since fucking minors is illegal? That’s what I’ve always wondered…

      • Brandon

        No offense Penelope, but that’s completely false. Watching the sextape does not make you an accomplice to the crime. By legal standards, you’d have to have been either in the room or in the home/residence at the time that the tape was being filmed and the act was committed. I personally saw the tape years ago when I was in high school (more out of curiousity than anything), and I can definitely say with certainty that he was in that tape.

        R. Kelly banged and urinated on that girl, and she certainly looked young, there’s no doubt to that. Hell, at one point he actually turns from eating a girl out and looks toward the camera, and you can see plain as day it’s him. Like Ron said, just goes to show that if you have the money, you can buy you’re freedom.

  • jonathan

    yeah well you love them all! you support it all! the government knows what time it is! the shit is out of control! seriously! and now everyone else knows! so if you thought it was some type of nonsense! they just letting you niggas make a mess to cover up for more nonsense! trust me! thats all it is! goodluck and take care! there will be justice! I already know! its just them showing that clip of my third child being killed and being broadcast like that it embarrases people that they arent doing anything about it! seriously! and thats what the problem is! but i know they will come around to there senses and do some shit about it! yeah I know who tupac is! I know who it is now! wow! great! the shit is out of control seriously! now your saying diddy the fake eddie murphy and the old man were all having sex with my son that they killed! thats just not even beyond nasty! the shit is outright outragous but its a miracle that you know these facts but the authorities are always a step behind putting together all of this! and its on tape! 30 40 50 60 year old men having sex with a 11 year old boy! and then gunit killing him! then letting everyone steal my inheritance! you know! it is what it is! but thanks for the demonstration for what it was like for him! I appreciate it! seriously! thanx alot!

  • BOSS

    YO FUCK THAT NIGGA R.KELLY

  • jonathan

    I KNOW FOR A FACT YOUR NOT TALKING ABOUT HOPE TAYLOR! WHO WAS 15 AND I WAS 17 YEARS OLD AND HER MOTHER BOUGHT US BIRTH CONTROL! I KNOW YOU R NOT TALKING ABOUT KARLA WHO WAS 17 AND I WAS 20 YEARS OLD AND HER BOYFRIEND BEFORE ME OWNED A CAR DEALERSHIP WAS 32 YEARS OLD! AND SHE PROBABLY HAD MOR SEX PARTNERS THEN BEFORE I DID! LOLOL MY NIGGA I PRAY YOUR NOT SPEAKING ABOUT THEM! SERIOUSLY!

    • http://xxlmag.com Ron Mexico

      you take your medication today, homeboy?

  • JONATHAN

    THEN YOUR TALKING ABOUT LIL MA! LETRICIA! YOU MUST BE TALKING ABOUT REGGIE! THESE IS REGGIES GIRLS YOU MUST BE TALKING ABOUT THIS NIGGA! SERIOUSLY!

  • JOATHAN

    AND YOU THINK ITS A JOKE THAT THIS NIGGA GOT CONTROL OF MY CHILDREN! THIS SHIT IS UNBELIEVABLE! SERIOUSLY! IM ABOUT TO LEAVE HERE BEFORE I KILL SOMEBODY I DONT EVEN EWANNSA KNOW NO MORRE! YOU NIGGAS IS BEYOND SICK SERIOUSLY! THIS SHIT IS UNREAL! SERIOUSLY! UNREAL!

  • Cake A!

    co-sign boss!

  • 239allday

    You guys needed Ron Mexico to verify that Kells gave that lil ho a facial. Wow!!! Why are we still talkin bout this. In all actuality it was me in that video. When u gotta go u gotta go!!!

  • http://www.xxlmag.com the chancellor

    The gift and the curse of the legal system. With the pushing of a few papers and the right legal team, you have the best legal system in all the land. You all should be so lucky. Hopefully this will make you aspire to greater…one hunnid

    Viva mexico!!!
    Viva el revolucion!!!

  • oneofthemyo’s

    I thought I was the only one catching some of this shit “the pied piper” the fucking chocolate factory,”seems like u ready”,man these fucking pedos is gangsta nowadays but oh well niggas in the hood aint really knew 2 fucking 17 y.o’s,if chick was 13 both him and her parents need their ass beat especially since it was obvious that wasnt her ‘first’ time.

  • chad bro chill

    i would rather watch flavor flav’s sex tape then r kelly peeing on someone… actually strike that ill take the pissing over the old balls

  • http://www.myspace.com/friscorepresenter ant

    Yoo if u wulda said cockmeat sandwiches when talken about guantanamo bay that wulda been hillarious…that was kells…but his paper long so he got off

    Yo my ball on my kick dnt work and i gotta kinda skip down the comments i always get like 2 lines n2 this nigga comments and be like “fuck this must be jonathan” and im right everytime can somebody ban that nigga

    • http://xxlmag.com Ron Mexico

      see… i’m assuming that’s from the new harold & kumar, which i did not see.

      gotta check it out. i loved the first one entirely too much.

      jonathan is on the fast-track to a cockmeat sandwich.

  • http://aquilogy.blat.co.za AQUILOGY

    12th play: Fourth Quater= 12 playing your 4th daughter