Love at this convention

Let’s keep it real. That pound was a little bit fruity.

I was watching cable news at my parents’ house just now, and apparently all they have to talk about was Barack Obama giving his wife a pound after he clinched the nomination the other day. I was only there for about a half an hour, and there were two different segments on it.

They had these broads on there talking about how giving your wife a dap is the hip new version of giving your wife a peck on the cheek, and how this was such a sweet, intimate gesture between the two of them. As if to suggest that that’s what hot in the streets – giving your wife a pound. No Boutros.

Meanwhile, I’ve never even heard of a man giving his wife a pound. Granted I don’t have any wife of my own to give a pound one way or another, but I figure I’ve been around my share of married black people over the years. Pretty much everyone in my family is black other than my cousin Andrew’s kids, and I’ve never seen a black man give his wife a pound.

Then there’s the issue of the pound being some sort of intimate gesture between a man and a woman. I’m not sure if I like that, if only because now I’m gonna feel weird the next time I wanna give a guy a pound. Nullus. But also because I’m not really sure how a man stands to benefit, on a personal level, by giving a woman a pound.

(Note: Obviously, I’m gonna be trying to give dap to every woman I come across for the next month or so, just for my own personal amusement. And I bet, with this shit being all over the news the way it is, a lot of white broads are gonna be itching for a black dude to give them a pound, just to see what it’s like. The key is, how do you go from giving a broad a pound to… you know, giving a broad a pound!)

I can see why these broads on TV would try to suggest that a dap is anything more than just a dap. A lot of them are probably hard up for some schlong, despite having that TV money. So any kind of attention from a man is gonna appeal to them. Plus, since a dap is an exchange usually shared between guys, it makes them feel as if they’re guys. And you know all women want to be men these days.

But if you’re actually a guy, I’m at a loss for why giving a woman a dap would be preferable to almost anything else you could do with a woman. As a general rule of thumb, I’d say the only way an exchange between a man and a woman can be worth your while, is if you can at least get a grief-on out of it; and the only way I can imagine getting a rise out of giving a broad a pound is if she had ridonkulously large cans, and I happened to be staring at them while giving her a pound.

Which is not to say that Obama shouldn’t have done what he did. I’m just saying.

As stage managed as these elections are, you have to think this pound shit was discussed before Obama took to the stage in St. Paul the other day. With as much shit as he went through with Jeremiah Wright and that church he used to belong to, it’s not like he was about to pull just any ol’ shit with his wife, right there on stage in front of millions of people.

The grown and sexy among us will recall that being outwardly hetero with your wife on stage has been an issue in these elections going back at least as far as 2000, if not more so. Who can forget when Al Gore all but unzipped his wife’s skirt and starting fucking her right there on the stage at the Democratic National Convention back in 2000?

Obviously, he did that shit on purpose, in order to prove to the world that he wasn’t teh ghey. There had been some concerns about his manliness that year, what with him going around lying about how that movie Love Story was based on his relationship with Tipper (the fuck?), and him somehow managing to get sonned intellectually in a debate by a guy who can’t even read.

He had to do something.

With Obama, I’m assuming it’s the opposite. He was gonna have to do something, because his wife was up there on stage with him, and you can’t just have your wife on stage without insinuating that the two of you have sex. The PDA has become part of this bullshit pageant we call an election cycle, right up there with having your picture taken next to some military equipment.

The concern, I imagine, is that they didn’t want Obama to pull anything too frisky. This is the first presidential election where a black man could actually win, and there’s still a lot of white people in this country who don’t know a whole lot about black people. They figure that since we’re black, we fuck constantly. (If only that were true!) The last thing Obama wanted to do was play right into that by slipping his wife some tongue on stage. He could’ve thrown the election right there, on some Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake shit.

As much as we’ve been hearing about the dap, you can imagine the level of outrage we’d be experiencing if Obama had flexed his inner Mr. Marcus. A few white people in the audience probably would have fainted. Old white women would be going on TV talking about how Obama just lost a vote – like the old bat in this Cipha Sounds video – though you know a lot of them would just be saying that to save face. They don’t want anybody to think they’re turned on by shit like that, but they are. I’m sure getting to be that old without having a man actually hit the bottom changes your whole perspective on shit.

Nullus, just in case.

On the other hand, there may have been some concern that Obama wouldn’t come off as manly to be Commander in Chief, a la Al Gore in 2000, but I doubt Obama’s handlers considered that as much of an issue. Like I said, I thought that pound Obama gave his wife looked a little bit limpwristed, but who gives a shit what I think? White people, who must have never seen a pound before to witness the media coverage of this shit, can’t tell the difference. And I’m at a loss for what Obama would have to do at this point to get out of the black community’s good graces. He could probably reenact the R. Kelly sex tape live on stage at the Apollo Theater, piss scene and all, and I’m sure the thought would be, “Well, maybe that’s what he needed to do to win the election.”

  • Furious

    That last tag made me laugh.

    • ill G

      the whole post made me laugh! but yea they shouldnt over analyze shit but unfortunately thats what the media does… i dont think there was anything wrong wit it… they won, as she walked off..she put out her fist…just like u said they probably have a great friendship as well as relationship

  • jonathan

    just was some random shit. wasnt planned! just shows you the dude is black as you think! in unrehearsed moments it really shows! you already know his wife is really black! and that is just a sign of we made it! and like you said all woman want to be thought of as not really men, but equal, and trust me obama’s wife played a very big role in him getting the nomination. she is a very intelligent woman! you can tell! she definitly had him use me to help get the vote out! I can definitly tell you that, not to say thats all they were doing but we are sure it definitly eventually turned into that once they learned the actual factuals. but he gave her that dap because its like your on a basketball team and your point guard throws you an assist and you dunk it, u give them a dap! thats all it is. trust me she is way more part of his team than you think! she probably writes half the shit he says if not more, critiques all he says does and how he acts! she is one of those ambitious woman you can tell. very intelligent! she could have run for president! seriously! you gotta just recognize the role and you will understand the gesture! she is not just the laydown wife, she is an more than active role! trust me! but it was unrehearsed just a we made it happen gesture! not rehearsed trust me! if they could do it over they wouldnt show that much blackness until after the general election, they not that naieve to think that that would actually get a positive response! the only reason it did is because the media’s obsession with me and trying to defeat me and me reading your column they think that all your views are my views so when you said what the fuck a pound they went the opposite way with it! oh jonathan said it was bad we the media we love it then! yeah obama gave her a pound, same way when he was supporting me really looking out! they was hating on him, once they found out he was for the hope that was doing the robbery and not truly on my side they went back and supported him. Just understand me and you bol we run this shit! its not just in your head were your thinking damn I said fuck the pound and jonathan read it and now the media loves it! NO its really like that! the media has an obsession with me they think im just a reporter and they deserve my inheritance you know media people actors musicians they all are jealous over the same nonsense, the audience you demand your financial status and the attention you get from powerful people. they dont care about the kidnapping murder torture larceny, Im just a web character to them and all the people involved with me! im not even real! and the more it all unravells. the crisis, the stolen semen, the murders, the beheading, the celebrities having my kids to steal the inheritance! the more they see it all crumbling, the more they wanna support anyone they feel im in opposition 2, or is in opposition 2 me. its so silly, i use 2 love the media the news now i know they just are actors who ARE NOT PRETTY ENOUGH FOR MOVIES AND SITCOMS. THATS IT

  • FLIP

    This was fuckin hilarious! I would give you a dap for this post alone, if it wasn’t for its new sexual connotation (nhjic)

  • giantstepp

    Good drop Bol but when I started reading the comments and with that Fool Jonathan talking Foolish again I got an instant headach and forgot most of your drop. That Nigga has got to go. Seriously!

  • dubbzz

    it’s a black thing Bol, you wouldnt understand

  • Worley

    Yea, Obama didn’t look too convincing giving that dap, but it looks like he patted her boonkie afterwards to save himself.

  • jackthesack

    The key is, how do you go from giving a broad a pound to… you know, giving a broad a pound!)

    this was on my mind the entire post haha. good read.

  • Penelope Rodriguez

    No Bol, I disagree with you. I thought the pound was kinda cute. It made me laugh. I even saved in my google bookmarks, lol. The media, I had to laugh at it too. They were over scrutinizing the obamas, lmao.

    I ain’t married; I’m still 19. But my boy gives me a dap when he sees me, and he doesn’t feel awkward doing that at all. *smiles*

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      That’s because your man is on the DL.

      • http://www.asf.com Mr. Alex

        No homo at you knowing that.

      • Penelope Rodriguez

        *laughs* Bol, I said my BOY (my homeboy), not my MAN (my significant other). I doubt that if had a significant other he’d give me a dap, lol

        • http://xxlmag.com Bol

          Your boy?

          Oh, I forgot girls like to think they have platonic guy friends.

  • http://www.xxlmag.com/?p=22038 jay

    good drop always comin correct..

    and i agree i got myself a headache readin jonathans shit to i got about 4 sentences deep n realize that shit was about 20 fuckin pages long n i stopped reading lol comment section is for comments not a 20 page comment about shit about the media

  • render

    The real political play was Obama slappin his wifes ass a second later

    watch the tape again

  • prime

    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  • major

    jonathan says:

    FUCK THIS NIGGA^^^^

  • DANJA29

    The dap was cool… if anything, it kinda shows that they’re friends as well as husband/wife. It’s almost like wifey was sayin’ “that’s my nigga”… black love, if you will. And of course Bol, we know you’d have no clue of that. Or interracial love, for that matter- you just simp over them harder than you do for black women.

    But I must admit, it’s hilarious how so many people have made such a big-ass deal over this. I saw it and laughed on some “woooow, this nigga just gave his wife a pound” shit, but I didn’t expect people to go crazy over it like they have, overanalyzing the meaning behind something niggas BEEN doin’ since forever.

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    it was funny, but not in a bad way. in a way like where you want to make your girl smile so you do some dumb shit to throw them off guard and make them laugh. seems to me barry has game (especially with that little ass tap). or, um, big ass tap i guess.

  • ceepizzle

    honestly i’m just impressed you made it to the 5th paragraph before using pound both ways. i’da used that one up by the second sentence.

  • The Spaniard

    The “girl pound” is for ironic amusement.

  • The Spaniard

    “…and him somehow managing to get sonned intellectually in a debate by a guy who can’t even read.”

    He got “sonned” because most people in the country aren’t especially bright. So simpletons have a chance to succeed if the look sufficently serious and sound as if they believe their own nonsense.

    “The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.”
    Bertrand Russell

  • Dollar Dolla

    Dude, I coulda sworn Barack subtly palmed his wife’s ass when she shuffled off-stage — looked like he gave her a little lovetap on the tuckus. just think, with Michelle Obama we’ll have our first MILF in the white house .

  • http://www.xxlmag.com jackpot

    I just can’t get over the pound or the “fist-bump” as they keep calling it, becoming such a hot topic.

  • chad bro chill

    Bol that was a hilarious post good work the truest thing you ever said tho was in the comment section

    Oh, I forgot girls like to think they have platonic guy friends.

    hahah every girl im “friends” with im just waiting till her boyfriend dumps her so i can give her a pound and then pound her

  • http://minimovie.com mike jones

    Bol’s right that pound was quite dubious on Barack’s part, I can’t buy that being cool either. You should check out this hillarious new

  • http://hiphoponmymind.blogspot.com DJ Daddy Mack

    WHO THE FUCK GIVES THEIR WIFE A DAP? NOT ME.

    SMH AT THIS BECOME SOME NEWSWORTHY SHIT.