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Coming up the hard way

I don’t have any doubts that celebrities will sometimes date other celebrities just to keep their names in the paper in between projects. But sometimes I do wonder how celebrities can go through with some shit like that.

If you’re a guy, obviously it’s not as much of an issue. As weird as it would be to have to bang someone you might not otherwise be interested in just for the sake of your career, there’s hardly a female celebrity under the age of 30 that I’d just staunchly object to having sex with, especially if I stood to benefit financially from it.

Shit, I’m from Missouri. Guys around here bang fucked up-looking broads for free all the time. For the vast majority of us, spreading your love on a woman who was actually attractive would be a come-up in itself, even if there was no added financial benefit.

But if you’re a girl, obviously it’s gonna be different, in that it’s gonna take on a whorish connotation. You can try to rationalize it all you want, but it’s basically having sex for money. And having sex for money when you’re a woman isn’t a come-up, it’s a come-down, especially if you’ve got enough money that you don’t need to be doing any shit like that.

Granted I realize the fact that a woman can hardly be sexually promiscuous, let alone benefit financially from it, without being viewed as a whore, where as such behavior can only enhance a man’s standing in the community is a vicious double standard. But I think it’s one of those double standards both men and women can agree should probably stay in place.

I know women want to be viewed as equal to men, at least as far as what they get paid. But what woman really wants to be viewed as the kind of woman you can easily have sex with, if you bring enough money, or shit, possibly even for free? With a guy, it’s different, because it’s a man’s biological imperative to spread his seed far and wide. A woman, on the other hand, has no such seed.

My bad if I just got too deep. Someone shove me in the shallow water.

Note that I’m assuming that all of these PR-arranged relationships between celebrities involve sex. The reason I’m assuming that is because, if you’re a guy, and you’re not one blown tire away from having to move in with Larry Rice, which I am, how in the fuck are you gonna let a woman pretend she’s dating you and you don’t get to run up in it? If you’re a celebrity, it’s not like you need the money. And think about the pussy you might have to turn down, because you’re in a pretend relationship. A man has needs, lest we forget.

Of course the reason I’m bringing this up is because I just heard Foxy Brown and Rick Ross are dating. Supposedly, he’s taken her to meet his family and shit, and she’s moving down to Florida so she can be closer to him. There’s a picture that’s been floating around on the Internets of the two of them all hugged up together, as if they’re really an item. Her cans, which have only improved with age (who’d a thunkit?) are all pressed up against his cans, which I’ve seen far too much of as of late. No homo.

My guess is that this is one of these PR-arranged relationships for a few reasons. First of all, I’m at a loss for what’s in it for Foxy Brown other than getting her career back in order. I can’t imagine she saw a picture of Rick Ross in a magazine when she was in the joint and thought to herself, “When I get out of this place, I’m moving down to Florida so I can have sex with him on a regular basis!” Otherwise, I might need to start mailing my picture to girls in prison, along with a Greyhound ticket to the great state of Misery.

And even Rick Ross, I imagine, could do much better. I mean, the guy’s got money; and the world is full of fucked up-looking guys who can still pull attractive women, just because they’ve got money. It’s one of the few reasons I wake up in the morning afternoon. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve spent my fair share of time wondering if Foxy Brown’s cans are just as bulbous and jiggly as they look. But I’m sure Rick Ross could wander into any ol’ strip club down there in Florida and find a broad of similar… shall we say, value. And he wouldn’t have to worry about her being both deaf and crazy.

I’m assuming that what’s going on here is that Foxy is gonna use Rick Ross to help write and promote her new album (as I recall, I think he’s done some ghostwriting for Trina; and lest we forget, he’s regarded by the mailroom over at MTV as being one of the hottest MCs in the game), and Rick Ross is gonna use her to boost his image as a guy who’s downright scary-looking and can still pull some high profile trim. Don’t be surprised if we seen an even further insinuation that the two of them are having sex, beyond just that picture of him getting a grief-on. As I mentioned in my post about why no one gave a shit about Jay-Z’s wedding, the media these days require real evidence.

Could a Rick Ross/Foxy Brown sex tape be in order? I shudder at the thought.

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