Life After The Music Business

Let's be honest here, the music business as it once existed is in very sad shape. When I got in this game there was at least a smidgen of excitement left to it, there were still projects to work and get involved in, budgets were open, artists weren't sitting on the shelf for four years and then getting dropped, and it always seemed like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Now? Not so much.

I'd be lying if I said most (but not all) of my closest and best friends on the creative side of the music business (the side that really matters) have been pretty much expunged from the game, forced to move back home to live with their mommies and daddies, or pack their shit and head down south where they can at least afford an extra value meal at McDonalds and pay their rent. Yes, the music business as it once existed is now in a stage of great depression. It's all good though, because it's being destroyed and rebuilt, and music itself will benefit from that, not the business side. And that's what it's all about, right, the music?

So for all my people out there who work in the music business in any capacity, who are bracing for impact as the Titanic completely sinks, here are some ideas for things you can do post-music business, when it's really time to sink or swim.

1) Become a Nanny- Hey let's face it, 85% of working in the music business, particularly those who work on the management side, is being a babysitter for some ungrateful bastard who thinks they're god's gift to the game. How hard could it be to do it for some yuppie couple's little annoying offspring? Probably not that hard, and you know what, you might make more than your measly 20% commission that you were getting from the lazy ass rapper you were managing, and you'll get it more consistently, plus not have to chase some sheisty promoter down for the money after a show.

2) Become a Consultant- What better way to cash in on the fact that you were ill-equipped to continue working in the music business than to offer your overrated wealth of contacts, knowledge, and career direction to some poor schmuck who has no clue that you really drive your baby mother's car, have your side chick buy your Jordans, live in your mother's basement, collect unemployment, and still show up to at least 4 industry parties a week. Hey, you fake it till you make it, right?

3) Become a Rapper- Being inside the industry, you're exposed to all levels of bullshit, and you see that most of these artists with deals are actually completely talentless and left to their own devices would actually be incapable of doing anything. They don't write or produce their own material, and everything they say in interviews is some canned bullshit that a publicist made them recite 6 times beforehand. You're capable of more than that, plus you've been watching and learning the whole time, might as well try your hand at it. What's the worst that can happen, you fail? You're already a failure, so the only way to go is up. Win-win situation.

4) Become a Blogger- What else requires zero talent, effort, and intelligence? Nothing. That's why there are 15 trillion gossip bloggers out there posting pictures of Lil Kim's left titty, talking about what Beyonce wore when she went to take a wee-wee in a port-o-potty, and philosophizing on who the gay rapper is. You don't even need to know how to write or spell to do this job. Just snatch some shit off someone else's site, put it on yours, and then act like it was your scoop. Your dumb ass readers will never know. Plus you're a music industry vet, so being full of shit is nothing new.

5) Become a Drug Dealer- Truthfully, I think this could be the most profitable venture out of all the options listed. Sure it's illegal, but what isn't in the rap game? Being involved in the music business, you've most likely been dealing with criminals- in some capacity or another- your whole career. If you can't beat em, join em. Plus it's like the raging 80s all over again right now. I think rappers took the movie Scarface too literally, and thought hey if Tony Montana has his head buried in coke, why shouldn't I? Start putting the bug in the ears of some of your industry pals that you got that good white, and watch the customers start lining up. Best case scenario, you wind up in the mix with one of these rich white celebretard party chicks who like to hang with rappers and make sex tapes, and in a fit of coke-out bliss you get to bang her. Then you can get your Supafly on and get your ass out the game for good.