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How Mariah got her groove back

Mariah Carey has been in the news a lot lately, because her new album, E = MC2, is a fucking commercial juggernaut. Even though there’s hardly any stores that even sell CDs these days, she still managed to sell something like 460,000 copies of it its first week out.

Which makes you wonder how many copies it would have sold if this was still the 1990s. She probably would have done Pearl Jam numbers[1].

Also, E = MC2′s lead single, the god-awful “Touch My Body,” which I need to listen to while touching my body just for the sake of irony, recently became her 18th #1 single, surpassing the late, great Elvis on the all-time list. She’s now second only to the matter.

So there’s been a lot of grumbling about her overall level of commercial success over the years. Two more #1 singles and she’ll be tied with the Beatles as the all-time list, so a lot of old cracka-ass crackas are making it a point to note that this generation’s equivalent of Elvis and the Beatles is motherfucking Mariah Carey.

The other day, I was reading this story on Slate where this other cracka-ass cracka, who was going for that big anti-marketing dollar (that’s smart!) was coming to Mariah’s defense, on account of her ridonkulous singing ability. Apparently, she can sing some notes high enough to give certain Japanese people seizures, which is just hilarious.

If I had that kind of skill, it’d be difficult for me to fight the urge to travel to for the sole purpose of busting out high notes in public squares and subway stations and what have you. But you guys know I harbor a lot of rage due to pent up sexual desire. I might need to take Gooch’s advice and start drinking more water.

I figured that whole thing about drinking a shiteload of water was bullshit, once I went for years at a time without drinking any water that didn’t have any alcohol in it and I didn’t die, but apparently I was mistaken.

But I digress. One of the points this guy was that when she put out her album Daydream in 1995, on which she famously collaborated with Eli Porter ODB, it was such a savvy career move, since she managed to predict the age when all R&B would be is watered down-ass hip-hop with mofos singing over it, i.e. the present.

However, I wondered if this was really as much a matter of her being such a sonic visionary as it was a matter of her realizing that she’d reached a point in her life in which she’d gotten a bit too old and a bit too chubby for white people to like her as much anymore and adjusting her sound accordingly.

This became especially clear to me yesterday, when I saw the cover of next month’s Vibe, which she’s on. (My bad about having to mention the competition on this site. But something tells me that none of the guys who read this site, other than maybe thoreaully77, would feel quite right knowing there was an issue of Vibe in their house.)

Mariah Carey looks alright on the cover of next month’s vibe in the sense that at least she’s not fat, but otherwise she kinda looks like shit. Her face, which is skillfully obscured by lots of hair and both of her arms, looks all Botoxed out and haggard, and you can tell there was quite a bit of Photoshop involved in giving her body the rough outline of a young chick’s body.

What she reminds me of these days is the similarly old and delusional Madonna, who also has an album out this summer, and who I heard recently went on BET for the first time in a career that spans about as long as my lifetime, if not even more so. Coincidence? Pffft! This is obviously a conscious effort by the TIs to push these old-ass white chicks off on young black dudes, who are all about old pussy right now.

Case in point, Mariah Carey getting married to Nick Cannon. The other day, my old man told me he heard they don’t even have a prenup, and that this is just another one of those incidents where her handlers couldn’t keep her from going off the deep end, like that time when she went on TRL high as giraffe pussy and then she drowned that cat, but I don’t know.

I’d actually have to see the legal documents pertaining to her marriage before I believe some shit like that. Mariah Carey might not be a genius, but it doesn’t take being a genius for an old white women to know when she might have to start dealing with black dudes. Ask Lisa Lampanelli.

[1] Speaking of Soundscan, the numbers from last week, when that new Roots album and a buncha other shit came out, should be out any minute now. I wonder what that’s gonna be like.

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