How Mariah got her groove back

Mariah Carey has been in the news a lot lately, because her new album, E = MC2, is a fucking commercial juggernaut. Even though there’s hardly any stores that even sell CDs these days, she still managed to sell something like 460,000 copies of it its first week out.

Which makes you wonder how many copies it would have sold if this was still the 1990s. She probably would have done Pearl Jam numbers[1].

Also, E = MC2′s lead single, the god-awful “Touch My Body,” which I need to listen to while touching my body just for the sake of irony, recently became her 18th #1 single, surpassing the late, great Elvis on the all-time list. She’s now second only to the matter.

So there’s been a lot of grumbling about her overall level of commercial success over the years. Two more #1 singles and she’ll be tied with the Beatles as the all-time list, so a lot of old cracka-ass crackas are making it a point to note that this generation’s equivalent of Elvis and the Beatles is motherfucking Mariah Carey.

The other day, I was reading this story on Slate where this other cracka-ass cracka, who was going for that big anti-marketing dollar (that’s smart!) was coming to Mariah’s defense, on account of her ridonkulous singing ability. Apparently, she can sing some notes high enough to give certain Japanese people seizures, which is just hilarious.

If I had that kind of skill, it’d be difficult for me to fight the urge to travel to for the sole purpose of busting out high notes in public squares and subway stations and what have you. But you guys know I harbor a lot of rage due to pent up sexual desire. I might need to take Gooch’s advice and start drinking more water.

I figured that whole thing about drinking a shiteload of water was bullshit, once I went for years at a time without drinking any water that didn’t have any alcohol in it and I didn’t die, but apparently I was mistaken.

But I digress. One of the points this guy was that when she put out her album Daydream in 1995, on which she famously collaborated with Eli Porter ODB, it was such a savvy career move, since she managed to predict the age when all R&B would be is watered down-ass hip-hop with mofos singing over it, i.e. the present.

However, I wondered if this was really as much a matter of her being such a sonic visionary as it was a matter of her realizing that she’d reached a point in her life in which she’d gotten a bit too old and a bit too chubby for white people to like her as much anymore and adjusting her sound accordingly.

This became especially clear to me yesterday, when I saw the cover of next month’s Vibe, which she’s on. (My bad about having to mention the competition on this site. But something tells me that none of the guys who read this site, other than maybe thoreaully77, would feel quite right knowing there was an issue of Vibe in their house.)

Mariah Carey looks alright on the cover of next month’s vibe in the sense that at least she’s not fat, but otherwise she kinda looks like shit. Her face, which is skillfully obscured by lots of hair and both of her arms, looks all Botoxed out and haggard, and you can tell there was quite a bit of Photoshop involved in giving her body the rough outline of a young chick’s body.

What she reminds me of these days is the similarly old and delusional Madonna, who also has an album out this summer, and who I heard recently went on BET for the first time in a career that spans about as long as my lifetime, if not even more so. Coincidence? Pffft! This is obviously a conscious effort by the TIs to push these old-ass white chicks off on young black dudes, who are all about old pussy right now.

Case in point, Mariah Carey getting married to Nick Cannon. The other day, my old man told me he heard they don’t even have a prenup, and that this is just another one of those incidents where her handlers couldn’t keep her from going off the deep end, like that time when she went on TRL high as giraffe pussy and then she drowned that cat, but I don’t know.

I’d actually have to see the legal documents pertaining to her marriage before I believe some shit like that. Mariah Carey might not be a genius, but it doesn’t take being a genius for an old white women to know when she might have to start dealing with black dudes. Ask Lisa Lampanelli.

[1] Speaking of Soundscan, the numbers from last week, when that new Roots album and a buncha other shit came out, should be out any minute now. I wonder what that’s gonna be like.

  • Champlain

    Great post…i would love to have me some ol…

  • trillvillain

    getting married and/or having kids is the wackest celebrity trend ive seen in a while

  • og bobby j

    I bet boyz to men ran up in that shit during that video shoot they did….ever since then, she been craving black acceptance more then that red head kid i ethered on here….but unlike him, she still manages to appeal to white chicks all across this bitch. Shit, I caught dome 3 times on saturday for copping that e=mc shit for my girl….right hand to god!

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      Any girls need a copy of E=MC2?

      I’m buying!

    • moe

      You ethered somebody over the internet? You sound like a homo you suburban cracker.

      • og bobby j

        MOE
        if you want me to make room for you on my nuts…let me know….shit, you can call them larry and curly.

        Project trapped nigga…..

  • http://myspace.com/marko4aoc Marko V

    Actually, when she got divorced she ran willingly into the arms of black people with the now classic ODB appearance. You see, whites always go to the blacks in times of personal crisis. Throughout history we’ve been viewed as the most forgiving people. Look at how quick Bill Clinton got an office in Harlem once he got out of DC. This has nothing to do with age. It’s just the natural course of things. Like Cornell West said, “Race Matters”.

  • http://foshiggadale.blogspot.com The What

    Mariah’s been crazy for black guys for years, the only surprise about this is that it was Nick Cannon and not one of the hundreds of rappers she’s done sexually suggestive collabos/videos with over the years……the numbers are in, The Roots did 54K and finished #5…..i’m not sure who else dropped, but Lil’ Mama & Estelle both caught bricks, couldn’t even push 20K

  • http://shilv.org/lcdrap hastings
  • http://www.xxlmag.com the chancellor

    Madonna’s album is better, but I’m a mulatto so you know the drill…lol

  • jg420

    Why do they keep deleting my posts?

    • EReal

      Because you suck and you arent welcome to post here. BEYATCH!

  • http://shilv.org/lcdrap Hastings

    Mariah has songs–and an Oprah special–about being biracial, so I’m sure she appreciates the shout-out to “old-ass white chicks.”

  • CHICAGO PaPii

    Dude everybody knows that Mariah is the “New Whitney Houston” : Cracked up and Stacked up. Since Mariah is like fucking Ape-shit crazy and like Southern Evagelical Old Geezer Rich, I think that Mr. Wild-N-Out made a colossal Come-up. Alas, I think that that kid Keenen(damn, I mean Nick) needs to watch out for DaBrat because that She/He is even more nuttier than the Former Star of “Glitter”. Yet Nicky does seem like the type to watch MTV’s Real World and read does accursed Zane Books that all the skanky Black Chicks in your local Urban Metroplis accross Americana. Who knows he might even Executive Produce a Sketch Show on the LOGO Channel.

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    @ EASE, Funny thing is niggas should know that Mariah is mixed,Nick C. is a lucky muthafucka cuz I would be smashin that ass. And who the fuck buys R&B cd’s to get Skull cats is str8 lame .6star

    • og bobby j

      moreover…who continually gets exposed as a fake gangbanger working at a car wash? Who continues to talk shit with subliminal shots even with his typing fingers all twisted to rep his @ Ease set? Lil nigga, you need to concentrate on making sure you vacuum under my pedals and not how or when im catching neck. Otherwise, juan will take over and you’ll be back on towels by friday….

  • jg420

    They will not post my video link of someone getting their chain snatched on stage in Africa.

    • EReal

      Because everyone alrady knows, and dosent care. The kids MOM turned him in, wow, he’s gangsta wit it.

      Kill Yourself.

  • Maddolies

    “Apparently, she can sing some notes high enough to give certain Japanese people seizures, which is just hilarious.”

    Haha dat line had me Laughing

    And I think everyones seen dat Chain snatchin video.. Courtesy of Allhiphop.

    Step Ur Game Up XXL

  • Pierzy

    I’d still bang Mariah but I’m lobbying to get Foxy Brown to spend her house arrest in my crib even though I’m engaged so what do I know?

  • Eli Porter

    You see I’m the best maaaane,…. I did it! ………….(i really mean it)

  • 7 V5A 7

    All Aboard!!!!!!!marah carey>nick cannon>k.kardashian>ray jay>lil kim>biggie>charlie baltimore>jay-z>beyonce>marques houston>Chris Stokes>Raz B>Ricky Romance>….at it goes on and on

  • http://nonthreateningblackmale.blogspot.com/ LOL

    I remember when Mariah was high as hell on TRL.

    Crazy is hot

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    pretty lame to get name-dropped in a post and then have your comment censored.. oh well. my vibe subscription story will have to wait for another day.

  • B.H.

    did you get that giraffe pussy line from that e-40 and turf talk song, is that some pre-existing saying, or did you coincidentally come up with it on your own?

  • b.h.

    hey bol, did you get that ‘high as giraffe pussy’ line from that e-40 and turf talk song, is that some pre-existing saying, or did you coincidentally come up with it on your own?

  • http://www.hip-hopkings.com Ryan Maxwell

    Mariah DIDN’T get her groove back. Period.

    • EReal

      Three Words,

      Emancipation of Mimi.

      That is all.

  • E-Fleezy

    bol u really need to read these posts over before u put em out to the public. i’m a fan of your work but half your sentences in this shit don’t make sense and/or theres missing words. are u that drunk an sloppy? come on homey

  • Dub Sac

    “a lot of old cracka-ass crackas are making it a point to note that this generation’s equivalent of Elvis and the Beatles is motherfucking Mariah Carey”

    As if Elvis was some kind of standard of artistic excellence. He was a lame pop star, like Mariah. The Beatles were actually adventurous, so it kinda surprises me that they maintained their level of popularity.

    But why would you shit your pants that simple music still sells? Even if she surpasses the Beatles #1 streak, would anybody be stupid enough to make the leap in logic that she’s on the same artistic level as them?

    And Bol – you keep slipping in those Bill Hicks references. You’re not as inane as you sometimes pretend (or do you just get lazy? Ha!)

  • t.r.p

    dude, that ’95 album was called “fantasy”

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      I’m pretty sure the album was called Daydream and the single was called Fantasy.

      No homo.

  • http://www.rizzleworld.blogspot.com allnice

    Yeah it was that fantasy shit with ODB. She always making hip hop r&b songs like that. She’s pretty lame though and so is Nick Cannon so it works out.