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Jay-Z could use more people

For someone who’s considered such an astute businessman, who’s based so much of his career as of late on pursuing various cross-promotional ventures, it seems like Jay-Z may have mismanaged his recent wedding to Beyonce.

So far, all we’ve even heard about it is how neither him nor Beyonce is willing to go on the record as far as whether or not they actually got married, and I think people are beginning to get tired of that shit.

If you’re like me, you could give a rat’s ass whether or not he got married, and hence you’re just tired of hearing about this shit. But I know a lot of people, whose life – such as it is – revolves around their pretend relationships with celebrities (basically all women, and a surprising percentage of men), feel gypped that Jay and Beyonce would get married and not let the world in on it.

And I’m at a loss for how that could be good for either one of their brand image.

This past weekend, there were rumblings that the fact that the mainstream media (and lord it feels silly even typing that term in reference to this bullshit) showed hardly any interest in the Bey-Jay nuptials may have been due to racism.

Supposedly, the reason the only celebrity gossip weekly they made the cover of was motherfucking Us Weekly is because magazines with black people on the cover just don’t sell very well; and even Eva Longoria, who’s only white in the sense that hispanic isn’t actually a race, got way more money for her wedding pictures than Beyonce could’ve gotten.

Some of the other celebrity gossip weeklies the week after Jay-Z and Beyonce may or may not have gotten married included the likes of Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, and Jennifer Aniston on their covers.

Here’s Bossip’s take on the issue:

We are sick of their racist bullsh*t. The fact that Beyonce and Jay-Z’s nuptials played second fiddle to that hapless stank heffah Britney Spears is ridiculous, but to get secong billing to that “Witch Hagar” looking washed up has-been Jennifer Aniston is just offensive.


(I’ll take Jennifer Aniston over Beyonce every day of the week and twice on Tuesday, but you guys know one of the ways I express my self-hatred is lusting after white women. God, I can’t stand myself!)

Now, I’m sure many will suggest that maybe Jay-Z wanted to keep his wedding private; and him and Beyonce are worth a collective $1 gozillion (still, one hopes he got a pre-nup), so why should he give a rat’s ass what these cracka-ass crackas would’ve been willing to pay for his wedding pictures?

But come on. We’re talking about the same guy who did a video for the first single from his big come-back album that also doubled as a commercial for motherfucking Budweiser Select. Then he tried to put out an album to coincide with the release of a Denzel Washington movie by claiming that he saw an early cut of it and was just that inspired. Meanwhile, anyone who heard that piece of shit could clearly see he wasn’t anything of the sort.

Jay-Z hasn’t seen a business opportunity he wasn’t willing to jump at since he started hanging out with Lyor Cohen.

But whatever. My concern is not so much that Jay just failed to turn his wedding day into a satisfying commercial opportunity. I could give a rat’s that he got married in the first place, let alone what he was wearing or what they danced to. (Probably Coldplay.) However, it does seem like a lot of people, who could also generally give a rat’s ass about people getting married, are down on this Jay-Z wedding, and the reason I don’t think has anything to do with them being denied access by proxy.

When I did my story here the other day about how the ad deal is the new record deal, someone in the comments section predicted that a legion of Jay-Z stans was about to unload on me (nullus) for criticizing him for his latest bit of shillery. But they didn’t. A lot of people who may have otherwise stuck up for Jay-Z didn’t bother, and I think the reason is that this wedding just didn’t seem quite right to them.

The reason being, it just didn’t seem real. Jay-Z and Beyonce’s relationship has always seemed like an act; so the fact that they’ve now gone and gotten married just doesn’t seem right, when no one’s even certain that Jay-Z has ever actually banged Beyonce. And these days, the burden of proof on whether or not two celebrities have actually done the nasty has been upped considerably, what with so many of these sex tapes floating around.

Guys want to know whether or not Jay-Z is hitting that, or if this is just the latest stage in an arrangement to make it seem if he’s straight – especially in light of the revelation, last year, that Jay-Z went half on an apartment in New York with a male model who’s long been rumored to be on the DL, and who could obviously afford his own place, since he also plays football with the Kansas City chiefs. Oddly enough, getting married to Beyonce actually made Jay-Z seem more teh ghey than he seemed before, and I think that’s been reflected in the hip-hop community’s attitude toward him as of late.

Now, to be fair, there probably is a connection to be drawn to women who live to see pictures of other women on their wedding day, because, what else are they gonna do? Develop a marketable skill? But I’d argue that the hip-hop community’s sense of unease with Jay-Z’s… shall we say, relationship status, is less asinine, in that it’s rooted in a time-honored tradition. Namely, the idea that making love to a beautiful woman hardly even counts, if no one actually knows you did it.

It’s the reason why guys, when they’ve just dismounted from some especially prized stank, will urge another guy to smell their finger. They want people to know where they’ve just been. The sex may not have even particularly better than sex with some broad who’s just plain average, if not (god forbid) ugly, but the sense of accomplishment makes it all the more worthwhile.

Attractive though Beyonce may be, there’s any number of broads in rap videos these days who are even better-looking. If I was Jay-Z, I’d get two of them, just for when I get tired of the one. Sure, Beyonce’s got a shiteload of money, but so does Jay-Z. What’s he gonna do with any extra money Beyonce can bring him? Buy a nice shirt. Shit, I can buy a nice shirt, and I work here at XXL.

If Jay-Z wants people to believe that he’s straight, and that his marriage to Beyonce is not just some arrangement, he should tap that ass and then let me smell his finger. Not that I want to or anything. Beyonce looks like the kind of big-ass Southern broad who generates a lot of heat, and the shit could be disgusting. But I’m willing to do it, just because I don’t want to see him go out like that.

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