Jay-Z could use more people

For someone who’s considered such an astute businessman, who’s based so much of his career as of late on pursuing various cross-promotional ventures, it seems like Jay-Z may have mismanaged his recent wedding to Beyonce.

So far, all we’ve even heard about it is how neither him nor Beyonce is willing to go on the record as far as whether or not they actually got married, and I think people are beginning to get tired of that shit.

If you’re like me, you could give a rat’s ass whether or not he got married, and hence you’re just tired of hearing about this shit. But I know a lot of people, whose life – such as it is – revolves around their pretend relationships with celebrities (basically all women, and a surprising percentage of men), feel gypped that Jay and Beyonce would get married and not let the world in on it.

And I’m at a loss for how that could be good for either one of their brand image.

This past weekend, there were rumblings that the fact that the mainstream media (and lord it feels silly even typing that term in reference to this bullshit) showed hardly any interest in the Bey-Jay nuptials may have been due to racism.

Supposedly, the reason the only celebrity gossip weekly they made the cover of was motherfucking Us Weekly is because magazines with black people on the cover just don’t sell very well; and even Eva Longoria, who’s only white in the sense that hispanic isn’t actually a race, got way more money for her wedding pictures than Beyonce could’ve gotten.

Some of the other celebrity gossip weeklies the week after Jay-Z and Beyonce may or may not have gotten married included the likes of Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, and Jennifer Aniston on their covers.

Here’s Bossip’s take on the issue:

We are sick of their racist bullsh*t. The fact that Beyonce and Jay-Z’s nuptials played second fiddle to that hapless stank heffah Britney Spears is ridiculous, but to get secong billing to that “Witch Hagar” looking washed up has-been Jennifer Aniston is just offensive.

Yikes!

(I’ll take Jennifer Aniston over Beyonce every day of the week and twice on Tuesday, but you guys know one of the ways I express my self-hatred is lusting after white women. God, I can’t stand myself!)

Now, I’m sure many will suggest that maybe Jay-Z wanted to keep his wedding private; and him and Beyonce are worth a collective $1 gozillion (still, one hopes he got a pre-nup), so why should he give a rat’s ass what these cracka-ass crackas would’ve been willing to pay for his wedding pictures?

But come on. We’re talking about the same guy who did a video for the first single from his big come-back album that also doubled as a commercial for motherfucking Budweiser Select. Then he tried to put out an album to coincide with the release of a Denzel Washington movie by claiming that he saw an early cut of it and was just that inspired. Meanwhile, anyone who heard that piece of shit could clearly see he wasn’t anything of the sort.

Jay-Z hasn’t seen a business opportunity he wasn’t willing to jump at since he started hanging out with Lyor Cohen.

But whatever. My concern is not so much that Jay just failed to turn his wedding day into a satisfying commercial opportunity. I could give a rat’s that he got married in the first place, let alone what he was wearing or what they danced to. (Probably Coldplay.) However, it does seem like a lot of people, who could also generally give a rat’s ass about people getting married, are down on this Jay-Z wedding, and the reason I don’t think has anything to do with them being denied access by proxy.

When I did my story here the other day about how the ad deal is the new record deal, someone in the comments section predicted that a legion of Jay-Z stans was about to unload on me (nullus) for criticizing him for his latest bit of shillery. But they didn’t. A lot of people who may have otherwise stuck up for Jay-Z didn’t bother, and I think the reason is that this wedding just didn’t seem quite right to them.

The reason being, it just didn’t seem real. Jay-Z and Beyonce’s relationship has always seemed like an act; so the fact that they’ve now gone and gotten married just doesn’t seem right, when no one’s even certain that Jay-Z has ever actually banged Beyonce. And these days, the burden of proof on whether or not two celebrities have actually done the nasty has been upped considerably, what with so many of these sex tapes floating around.

Guys want to know whether or not Jay-Z is hitting that, or if this is just the latest stage in an arrangement to make it seem if he’s straight – especially in light of the revelation, last year, that Jay-Z went half on an apartment in New York with a male model who’s long been rumored to be on the DL, and who could obviously afford his own place, since he also plays football with the Kansas City chiefs. Oddly enough, getting married to Beyonce actually made Jay-Z seem more teh ghey than he seemed before, and I think that’s been reflected in the hip-hop community’s attitude toward him as of late.

Now, to be fair, there probably is a connection to be drawn to women who live to see pictures of other women on their wedding day, because, what else are they gonna do? Develop a marketable skill? But I’d argue that the hip-hop community’s sense of unease with Jay-Z’s… shall we say, relationship status, is less asinine, in that it’s rooted in a time-honored tradition. Namely, the idea that making love to a beautiful woman hardly even counts, if no one actually knows you did it.

It’s the reason why guys, when they’ve just dismounted from some especially prized stank, will urge another guy to smell their finger. They want people to know where they’ve just been. The sex may not have even particularly better than sex with some broad who’s just plain average, if not (god forbid) ugly, but the sense of accomplishment makes it all the more worthwhile.

Attractive though Beyonce may be, there’s any number of broads in rap videos these days who are even better-looking. If I was Jay-Z, I’d get two of them, just for when I get tired of the one. Sure, Beyonce’s got a shiteload of money, but so does Jay-Z. What’s he gonna do with any extra money Beyonce can bring him? Buy a nice shirt. Shit, I can buy a nice shirt, and I work here at XXL.

If Jay-Z wants people to believe that he’s straight, and that his marriage to Beyonce is not just some arrangement, he should tap that ass and then let me smell his finger. Not that I want to or anything. Beyonce looks like the kind of big-ass Southern broad who generates a lot of heat, and the shit could be disgusting. But I’m willing to do it, just because I don’t want to see him go out like that.

  • http://www.xxlmag.com The Chancellor

    Bol, I enjoy your writing, and I will say in my personal opinion, hov is my favorite rapper of all time. I feel that while marrying beyonce was a mistake, he should’ve made moves to get married by 09. He is bordering 40 and while that has nothing to do with skills, (kool g rap) I think he would look more pathetic to the public if he wasn’t married, unless he was in hollywood. And I say that cause its different out there. Now this is just what I think, I think if people spent the energy working and grindin and gettin money rather than type some of the bullshit I see here, we would be goin somewhere. In closing that I will say that I love your writing and that I enjoy these blogs no matter what. Good writing is good writing. One

    • ROC BOY

      BOL YOU JUST WANT A TASTE OF BEYONCE BY WAY OF JAY’S FINGER. TAKE A COLD SHOWER HOMIE AND DONT HATE ON JAY. JAY ISNT SOME DUMB LITTLE SHIT LIKE RAY J TO BE PUTTING OUT SEX TAPES TO THE PUBLIC TO PROVE ANYTHING. OBVIOUSLY JAY IS DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.

  • ddubbzz

    Wow…question is do YOU have a thing for Jay z?

  • AKA_1908

    “Beyonce looks like the kind of big-ass Southern broad who generates a lot of heat, and the shit could be disgusting”

    Hilarious! Um, I love Beyonce and I could never understand what she saw in Jay but a business man. Maybe her mother pushed her on him cuz she lucked up on a successful black man before he married a white woman as well, I don’t know, or care too much, cuz now that Beyonce is officially taken, that’s one less pretty girl I gotta worry about.

  • http://www.xxlmag.com the chancellor

    Just to clarify somethin, I don’t care about hov gettin married, but american gangster is tight. Kingdom wasn’t tight, as a follower of hovs career since I first heard him in 97 when I was 12, I thought he should have did what you said, and not only go public with his relationship in the beginning, but get two for the price of none so to speak. While I think black women are beautiful I know what you meant. But ag is a good, not great album but hey what can you do. He needs to get with primo and fuckin timbo for the next one tho. One more.

  • Hip-Hop

    This post reminds me how much I hate bloggers. Bol how can u question Jay-Z’s sexuality? Back when he was single I bet Jay was gettin more pussy on a summer tour than you’ve gotten in your life. We all saw what a fat ass herb u were on that youtube interview u did….so why do u continue to talk shit?? Bet you feel safe behind that computer screen huh?

  • N.O. in my viens

    just one off subject question….have you liked any album that has came out since 05?

  • 504

    jay z sucks but good post as usual bol

  • akaTheRealist

    “If Jay-Z wants people to believe that he’s straight, and that his marriage to Beyonce is not just some arrangement, he should tap that ass and then let me smell his finger. Not that I want to or anything. Beyonce looks like the kind of big-ass Southern broad who generates a lot of heat, and the shit could be disgusting. But I’m willing to do it, just because I don’t want to see him go out like that.”
    -classic! Bey is badd bitch though. Jennifer Aniston does look like some Witch Skank, and you’re smoking rocks if you take that over B. But I know how you do.

  • ga_finest08

    Again I ask, can somebody tell me anything about Outkast dropping anything new. I heard Royal Flush and now I’m hunting. By the way, Bol I know u have the capacity to bring more to the table than Jayz and Beyonce getting married. Hell they don’t don’t even give a damn about music anymore unless it =$, straight commercial. Give us some good shit. I know u got it in u.

  • DC

    I wonder if Lyor walked Jay down the aisle.

  • og bobby j

    I never heard of jay-z being the type to play in the mud…but I guess its possible. Personally, I really just want to stop hearing about a wedding that we cannot confirm happened. Also…the racial nonsense is just that, nonsense. Magazines will pay for and publish what sells. And if they deem that a Bey-Jay wedding wont sell like a magazine with a sexy mexican elf on the cover (see Eva) …then they aint paying. It just so happens that they are black….and thats that. People got itchy trigger fingers with that race card shit.

  • Terence from BET

    I’d eat the shit dumplings that fall out of Beyonce’s luscious ass and ask for a tall glass of her warm piss to wash it down with. And that ain’t no lie.

  • ri067953

    Yo, I don’t drink regular budwiser but that budwiser select is the shit.

  • fred

    theres no explanation for two dude millionaires to be living together except teh ghay beyonce is bomb and if he married dat chic why would it be a secret?i never heard of two people who truly loved each other not to let the world know!for the record if beyonce aint fcking me she could kiss my azz and gay z can eat a dck! i was taught back on my block u dont ride nobody jock for anything they do fuck dem and they crew unless you getting paid too!

  • Ike Turner

    I really didn’t marry Tina either……. it was just for the movie!

  • Rudebwoy

    FUCCCCKKKK!!! Bol, everytime I think i’m bout to read some interesting blog.. you start with your obsession for THE GHEY … nigga u is a fag… stop stressing that gay shit so much.. u suspect for that!! write about some better shit.

    come on XXL readers yall know Bol be writing way too much about THE GHEY… you know it too Bol!!!

  • http://misterricky@blackplanet.com BossGame

    Beyonce is not just some arrangement, he should tap that ass and then let me smell his finger. Not that I want to or anything. Beyonce looks like the kind of big-ass Southern broad who generates a lot of heat, and the shit could be disgusting.

    Classic!

  • The Spaniard

    Jennifer Aniston over Beyonce?

    This is the most offensive thing you have ever written…and I don’t even find Beyonce to be all that special like most jigs I know do. Jennifer Aniston looks like the receptionist at a low-level office supply company.

    “Beyonce looks like the kind of big-ass Southern broad who generates a lot of heat, and the shit could be disgusting.”

    Great observation…but I’ll risk it!

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      Many attractive women work as receptionists at low-level office supply companies.

      • The Spaniard

        Aniston would be one of the other ones.

        Great Zeus my good man, Jennifer Aniston? Really?

        Anyway…I find this whole thing strange, to the extent I’ve given any thought to it (not very much) in the other direction…why would Beyonce marry Jay-Z with the cash she has?

        Give me another example of a young, rich, and arguably A-list broad marrying someone *ahem* out of (below) her leauge.

  • Tyler

    BoL, U sir. . after this post. U kind sir are now my hero. Beautiful post son.
    “It’s the reason why guys, when they’ve just dismounted from some especially prized stank, will urge another guy to smell their finger”
    and last but not least “If Jay-Z wants people to believe that he’s straight, and that his marriage to Beyonce is not just some arrangement, he should tap that ass and then let me smell his finger.”
    1 word. WOW

  • Worley

    “still, one hopes he got a pre-nup”

    We want pre-nup
    We want pre-nup
    Yeeeah.

  • Justice for all

    I think we give way too much attention to artist as a society. These people can do nothing for you (short of singing a cool hook every now and then), but geesh, the infatuation is endless. I mean, from who has no panties on getting into the “Maybach” to who just got hit in the face with a blackberry pearl, is borderline blashpemous idolitry at it’s finest. I think we all need to take a pan-o-ramic (shameless) view of of our on lives and get on our own J.O. And yeah, I know Bol get’s paid by writing meaningless crap about these (so called) celebrities, but what does it do for you and me but waste our time? Someone at XXL just highjacked my soap box, so I’m out.

  • 7 V5A 7

    “Beyonce looks like the kind of big-ass Southern broad who generates a lot of heat, and the shit could be disgusting. ”

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    Yo, Bol is a fool!!! LMAO!! true shit with those thick broads

  • http://www.myspace.com/friscorepresenter ant

    HILARIOUS

  • moresickaMC

    Bol…for someone who claims not to care about Jay’s personal life…you sure wrote alot about him there.Denial much?

  • CHICAGO PaPii

    Thick females from the South do look good, but, just like here in Chicago and the rest of the MidWest those supa-Thick Buffy type of chicks who nuckas be fiendin over smell Ultra-Staunche when u hittin it, and they gotta stay using Douche to be just as Clean as a skinny chick.

  • WTF

    Ya’ll are some real ignorant bastards. If a big girl smells when you’re having sex then there is an ISSUE with hygeine just as there would be with a skinny girl.I think that the issue for you all is that you can’t get a clean , classy big girl so you have to get the neighborhood hit who peobably just hit your std infected friend a minute ago. Beyonce is not even a big southern girl anyway. The sad reality is all of ya’ll could use some lovin- from any direction on the globe. Jealousy is what always causes people to hate. Continue making major moves Jay and let these gossipers, who are likely gay, hate on.

  • master cheef

    why do you say hispanic people aren’t a race?

  • Hov killed himself years ago on the mic

    If Jay-Z wants people to believe that he’s straight, and that his marriage to Beyonce is not just some arrangement, he should tap that ass and then let me smell his finger. Not that I want to or anything. Beyonce looks like the kind of big-ass Southern broad who generates a lot of heat, and the shit could be disgusting. But I’m willing to do it, just because I don’t want to see him go out like that.

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    Jay has fell the fuck off the map harder than Christopher Columbus’s haters thought he would.

    The new pop-hop media king surpassing Britney, now he’s going to continue to turn music into a fucking corporate America add blitz. I hope he chokes on his triple wrapped tight ass knitted scarfs.

  • AD

    OMG! LOL I forgot about those LJ, and Jay-Z rumors. I remember reading the pitch when they “outed” them. Straight comedy. ROTFL

  • dirtysouthrocboys

    Bol you are a hater, some of your post are cool, but this one was horrible. You went from Bol to Toejam aka the mayor of Coonsville U.S.A.

  • BIGNAT

    bol wants to sniff beyonce’s pussy juice

  • http://xxlmag.com Billy X. Sunday

    Did Jay get a divorce from Bleek first?

    Bleek is that ugly wife that rarely comes out of the house.

  • http://globalgrid.com bla

    all of u r reading into this wayy 2much maybe if u work as hard as u think up something 2 type…..you’d be rich like jay,bey and myself!!!! get a life

  • bolt from that blue

    “I’ll take Jennifer Aniston over Beyonce every day of the week and twice on Tuesday”

    wow what a fucking retard

  • DA DAVID LENCH MOB

    “she’s my little quarterback, cos I’m all that in the sack, ya dig?” Big homie got a thing for football players, ya dig?

  • http://yourblackhiphop.blogspot.com/ AutumnJones

    Lol, I so agree with everything you have said.

    “If Jay-Z wants people to believe that he’s straight, and that his marriage to Beyonce is not just some arrangement, he should tap that ass and then let me smell his finger. Not that I want to or anything. Beyonce looks like the kind of big-ass Southern broad who generates a lot of heat, and the shit could be disgusting. But I’m willing to do it, just because I don’t want to see him go out like that.”

    LMao…

  • andrew woods

    i dont understand this shit really. i guess its funny and if thats the point then ight coo. but jus disrespecting someone who clearly clearly is more accomplished than 99% of the people in the us is crazy to me. first they say he sold out to corporate america. damn where the fuck do all u work at. mcdonalds? burger king? im sure its some white man in the back somewhere playing tennis laughin his ass off that your flippin burgers contributing to the fat quota in the us. like yall some independent business owners. shit is crazy! bol plz tell me you would run away from 150mil jus to spite the white man? tell me dame dash wouldn’t sell is soul to be in the good graces of jay right now. you think that nigga feel good about gettin bout out for 10 mil wit rocawear then see jay sell it couple years from then for 200+mil. ya’ll kno if yall could you’d try and hustle like that. what the fuck is that man suppose to do. what could he do to please you? really im jus like isnt there bigger issues than what that nigga doin wit his life cause clearly clearly it cant be that bad. jus a bunch of dick ridin no ambition havin niggas on here sniffin the lead dogs ass on the snow sled. and really i cant hate on bol i mean nigga doin his job i mean dung beattles gotta eat shit to help clean up the earth right? everybody has there place so it is wat it is but all the followers is what cracks me up. niggas not in they life can go out somewhere and have the same opinions they have on here. like this is where they get to vent they weird ass thoughts and ambitions mattering in life. anyways im done gotta go back and work for the white man and and try and fix this microwave networking problem before im fired for a less qualified white person. 1

  • RisingSon

    ummm…I’m surprised to be the first to say this but…WHO GIVES A MONKEY’S ASS!!!??…So what sum1 supposedly got married? Is your life that pointless that you have to scrutinise the reasons why sumbody wanted to have a private private life? You say you don’t seem to care Bols but you 1000 word essay on the topic seems to imply otherwise…and name a rapper whose married a fine looking broad?….(I’ll wait)..exactly!…as far as a wives go I think Jay got better than most rappers (Nas as possible exception). Basically what I’m saying is stop caring about what people who don’t care about you are doing.

  • http://www.rockthedub.com khal

    for what its worth, i used to work with this lady who said she used to fuck with jay-z back when he was frequenting trenton, nj. she showed me an old ass polaroid of him and her and everything. i never got into specifics on it, nor did she divulge any info, but i guess he was straight at least one time in his life.

  • LaShawn

    Man i dunno what to call u. a playa hater. a low-life. i dont know.

    first off all how you gon call hov a faggot? that boy got more pussy on his tours back in the day then the whole King Magazine crew put together. Now that he’s married why does he have to show the world he tapping that fine ass.

    He’s a grown man, at 37 or 38 men at his age don’t talk about gettin some and posting videos on the net.

    and u should be smoking rocks if u pick jennifer aniston over beyonce. thats criminal right there.

  • LC

    They’re perfect trophies for each other