Get off Peggy Seltzer’s nuts

People like to think that being raised in relative affluence is the lick, but I don’t know. I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that it isn’t.

Particularly if you’re black, it kinda sucks balls. Sure, your English game is gonna be that much more on point; and you’re not gonna have that flaw in your psyche like Jay-Z, where there’s not a dollar from these TIs that you wouldn’t take. But that’s about where the benefits stop.

The detriments, meanwhile, are fucking myriad – starting with the fact that, if you’re black, and you don’t think like that and you didn’t live like that, you’re gonna be – by definition – one of the few, rather than one of the many.

Which can be terror on your dating prospects: Black chicks aren’t gonna like you as much, because they suspect you think you’re better than them – which you probably do. And even worse, as far as I’m concerned, many of these white chicks who bang a lot of black dudes just aren’t gonna find you black enough – the size of your schlong notwithstanding.

It can be a terribly lonely place to be.

It’s no wonder then that the vast majority of black kids you see these days act as if they’ve escaped some sort of miserable upbringing, even though statistics widely available to any ol’ dumbass with the Internets would suggest otherwise.

Many black folks these days aren’t as poor as they’re not particularly well-off. They were probably raised in one of these shitty outer rim suburbs, along with the rest of the people whose parents failed to set the world on fire, but how many of them can say their shit was as fucked up as, say, Dukie on The Wire?

Probably not very many – or at least not as many as you’d think, to listen to the radio these days.

The thing is, if you’re black, you can front that role and no one’s really gonna call you on it. Because who would even know any better? There isn’t nearly as much of a precedent in pop culture, i.e. where we get our information from, for the average, middle class black kid.

If you’re a white chick, meanwhile, such fronting is much more fraught with danger than if you’re black. If you get caught, people will try to turn it into way more than the typical “child of a privileged upbringing and the requisite lack of cultural identity trying to go slumming.”

This broad Peggy Seltzer found that shit out the hard way. Last year, she wrote this book called Love and Consequences – a memoir about her hardscrabble upbringing as a half-Native American/half-white chick in a gang-ridden area of Los Angeles. But come to find out, she was just making that shit up. In reality, she grew up in a wealthy suburb of LA and attended private school.

I think what happened was, when the book was coming out, there was a story on it in the New York Times that ran along with her picture. And one of her relatives saw the picture and called the Times up, like, “That’s not Margaret B. Jones” – the nom de plume she used to publish the book, which doesn’t strike me as particularly ghetto – “That’s Peggy Seltzer!”

Then the Times looked into it, and, come to find out, this broad Peggy Seltzer was making this shit up – just like that guy James Frey, who duped Oprah, and any number of other memoirists in the past few years now.

The thing is, if it wasn’t for the New York Times finding her out pretty much right away, it probably would have only been a matter of time.

Just now, Harry Allen – the same ninja whose voice you hear on PE’s “Don’t Believe the Hype,” who’s apparently since been reduced to blogging – dug up a video of what looks like an EPK her publisher put together; and watching it, it’s clear from the way that she speaks (isn’t that always the dead giveaway?) that she hasn’t spent any more time in the ghetto than it takes to shine a black man’s knob and get back on the freeway with the quickness.

In fact, the main thing that I took from the clip, which I think that Harry Allen kinda glossed over in his otherwise astute analyis, is that Peggy Seltzer looks like the kind of white chick who lives to fuck black dudes. It’s all there in her weight issues; and the vaguely hoodrat expression on her face (but only to the point where it’s kinda cute – not to the point where you wanna slap her); and perhaps most of all, those doorknocker earrings.

You know who has two thumbs and lurves white chicks who wear doorknocker earrings? This guy.

*points at himself with his two thumbs*

Seriously, I would never want to be seen in public with Peggy Seltzer, or want people to know that I was banging her – because I’m a shallow bastard, and I care too much what people think about me. But I’m not gonna lie: I popped a little bit of a rod when I saw that picture of her on Harry Allen’s site, with that plain white t-shirt (how hood is that?) straining to contain those humongous cans of her.

Don’t front. I’m sure plenty of you fruits would throw her one. I know, here in the Midwest, I’ve seen plenty of black dudes out with chicks that didn’t have nearly the same effect on my Johnson. (My bad about having to mention my Johnson in a story like that.)

Which brings me to my point: Is it really such a big deal that she was lying about having grown up in the hood? I mean, if the bitch was lying, then fine. Recall her books, slap a disclaimer on them and be done with it, just like they did with all of the other bullshit memoirs. But destroying every single copy of it that ever existed strikes me as a bit much, not to mention the level of feigned outrage from some of these black commentators.

If this broad was black and did the same shit – same private school background in LA and the whole nine – something tells me there wouldn’t have been nearly the same level of outrage. It would’ve been like the Akon situation, where hardly anyone even seems to give a shit. Meanwhile, I wonder what’s worse – a black kid claiming she had a tough upbring in the ghetto, or a white kid.

One of the main problems you see in the black community these days – other than, erm, capitalism – is black kids fronting as if they’re dumb, just to fit in. On the hand, I’m at a loss for a time when a white chick wanting to be black didn’t work out well for me – or at least for someone! It might be bullshit, but where’s the real harm?

As our new, SOHH-bred overlord would say, speak on it.

  • http://harryallen.info Harry Allen

    Some manner of brilliant, this is.

    Reduced to blogging,
    HA

    • EReal

      LMMFAO! Yeah, I mentioned that… and I’ve left etherial comments in every post he’s done. bahahahahaha!!

      My, how the self righteous have fallen..

      Anyway, I agree with Bol, how come noone gives a shit when they find out about shite like Akon, but they get so pissed at some whiteboy and call him a wigger, or get all outraged. Its a double standard, it isnt gonna change, sofakit.

      1.

  • og bobby j

    Couldnt they simply move her shit to the fiction section and call it a day? Plus, who the fuck buys books nowadays? especially one about white chicks that love that roll of tar paper (nullus).

    Good point tho….like chris rock said “nothing makes a nigga happier then no knowing the answer to your question”

  • jonathan

    i was wondering with the jewish comment popped up from out of nowhere! it makes absolutly no sense! but it does now! and the whole time i really thought they were the ones looking out for me! i guess i was wrong! i already knew about jayz for sure for sure! thanx for the hints and confirmation I know what i gotta do! its beyond real! you read shit on the internet and your racist! they make any excuse to steal your fucking money and property its absolutly fucking insane! for real for real! i dont fucking get these people! for real for real! thanx for the comment now! i know confirmation! stand! stand tall! asap! for real for real! thanx alot!

    • og bobby j

      dog, you gotta take it easy on the exclamation points. for!real!for!real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get back on your fucking meds….

  • VARep

    Funny as hell. When are you going to call out Brother Ali. I always thought he was a black albino but then I read this: He has stated “I’m albino, my family is white, but I was really raised, and taught my important life lessons, by the black community.” Call Shenanigans on this fool.

  • http://www.going.com/larrybrite lancelot

    2nd post

    really??

    • lancelot

      You (WhomEverTheFuct) reject my actual comment, only to post me saying: ’2nd post’ . . . . HowTheFuct does that work???????????????????

      please explain how that works so i can proceed to not givafuct.

  • CHICAGO PaPii

    Yeah Bol you right about the whole affluent White Chick who acts “Black” thing being sexy because here in the MidWest thats like winning The Lottery if you come up on one of them. 9 times outta 10 they’re been Raped or molested as a child so they do freaky shit to you that a “normal” chick wouldn’t because they got too many morals and such. (Sidenote: all chicks who have been touched on or messed with at a young age are a gazillion times more freakier than normal chicks) anyways yes its not a big deal because % 75 of these Rappers who be claiming they shoot that or sell this grew up in some exclusive suburb like 40 minutes from there local major city. This snowbunny who wrote that article sounds like she could be a Bust Down.

  • BIGNAT

    bol you are a fool it’s a dead giveaway she is not from the hood just because of the way she speaks. i come from the hood south bronx millbrook projects. people always tell me i don’t sound like i come from the hood. what kind of petty bullshit is that. no one can help the way they talk it’s just the way you evovled as a person. i think it’s a mix of where you live and your parents influence on you. i do agree with the acting stupid thing my neice does that. she tells her friend she gets low grades in reality she takes advance classes.

  • The Spaniard

    “white chicks who bang a lot of black dudes just aren’t gonna find you black enough”

    Some white bitch actually told me I didn’t act “black” enough for her.

    I assured her that I had just been released from prison and had the taste for some fried chicken.

    Then I told her that I would gladly let her suck my big giant Mandingo cock.

    She acted as if she was offended by my comments. What a country!

  • http://www.xxlmag.com jackpot

    I wish she tried to pull that crap with me. She’s so obvious.

  • Tyler

    that she hasn’t spent any more time in the ghetto than it takes to shine a black man’s knob and get back on the freeway with the quickness.

    BoL, it’s jewels like this ^^^^^ which have us homies in the hood flocking 2 your Blog like a birds 2 the newly washed parked car.

  • Liam

    Harry Allen’s blog is kinda awesome, unlike that chick

  • The Spaniard

    I just took a peek at that video…that broad is HOT GARBAGE.

    I hope you were just kidding about her effect on your “johnson” (nullus!).

    I like your blogs…but I’ll have to take away some of your player points for that type of flawed judgement my man…not that you give a shit one way or the other!

    …and I’m sure her cans look like two tube socks full of marbles out of that brassiere also! Maybe that image will get your mind right on this issue.

    Next time you come to Chicago I’ll hook you up with some suitable, behind closed doors, not to be seen in public pussy.

    Don’t ever disappoint me again sir.

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      I wasn’t saying she was acceptable in the least bit. It’s just that the combination of the earrings and the monster cans kinda caught me off guard, and the next thing you know I had a semi. What can I say? It happens. Nullus.

      • The Spaniard

        My bad sir.

        I should have known better. I’m off my meds today!

  • Ike Turner

    This bitch is so full of shit she stinks! Why do people outside of “the hood” always want to be from “the hood”? Like its a fucking wonderful time and everyone is so happy to be fucked with by the police all the time. I’m so happy to get my suspension all fucked up from all the potholes in the street. I just love the Crack house on the corner and all the jolly little crack fiends running around like roaches. Get the fuck outta here silly bitch!

  • dope boy

    @ Bol

    I could tell that white girl was lying when she opened her mouth. Im from south central los angeles for real(vermont and Gage for you bloggers) and NO white people live in the hood.
    I think people should be proud of what they are regardless, if youre from the hood, be proud of the struggle, but if youre well off in the burbs, be proud that you dont have to live like that.

  • Wesley Gibson

    Alright Bol, this is ridiculously brilliant, and my praise is normally withheld.

  • geico lizard

    its sad that sometimes blacks let whites decide how black they are or arent. i remember some whites talking about will smith wasnt as black as dmx because he wasnt getting in legal trouble all the time so dont let anyone else define your blackness but i can understand getting distracted by monster cans as Bol called them.

  • ri067953

    She ain’t that fat. She gotta lil F.U.P.A (fat upper pussy area) but the cute face and juggs make up for it. I’d let her have it.

    • The Spaniard

      “She ain’t that fat…”

      I would hate to see what you think is fat then!

      Cute face? Man, you guys need to get out more.

      I repeat…

      “…and I’m sure her cans look like two tube socks full of marbles out of that brassiere also! Maybe that image will get your mind right on this issue.”

      “Don’t let this rap shit fool you…”
      ~Blazay Blah