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Will Smith can’t adopt a Chinese baby!

If you have the means, a Chinese baby might be an even better investment than Google.

I’m not sure how much it would actually cost to get one from over there and bring it over here, but it can’t be too much. There’s something like a billion people over, so I’m sure they’d be more than happy to lose a few of them. And since so many of them drown their baby girls in a bucket of ice water when they’re born, there’s way more boys than there are girls.

From what I understand, pussy is ridonkulously difficult to come by there (it’s not like here, where even the best pussy you can buy is only like $4,000), and you have to be related to someone that’s high up in the communist scheme to get anywhere in life. So a lot of guys there just sit around in their’s mom’s basement stroking it to Internets pr0n for the rest of their lives.

So getting the baby over here probably wouldn’t involve much other than whatever it costs to take a plane from China to the US, as well as maybe a small blood money payment to the local bureaucrat. But then you’re pretty much in the clear. Lest we forget, I used to work at a K-Mart, so I know how cheap kids clothes are. And since it’s from China anyway, it probably wouldn’t even have an issue eating ramen noodles every day of its life.

At that point it would just be a matter of keeping the kid enrolled in school, so that it could grow up to be a ridonkulously wealthy computer expert; and then you’d never have to work again, since your child would realize that it was you that saved it from a lifetime of weird pr0n and World of Warcraft. I’m not saying that’s why you see so many people adopting Chinese babies these days. (Nah, I’m pretty sure it’s just because it’s so hard to get a white baby, and who wants a black baby?) I’m just saying.

I’d try it myself, but with my luck, I’d end up being the only mofo whose Chinese baby grew up to be a huge fuck-up just like I am. It would probably somehow even manage to not be good at math.

In the case of Will Smith though, I’m not sure why in the world he would want to adopt a Chinese baby. I mean, he’s already got several black (albeit light skinted and hence more adorable) kids of his own, and it’s not like he needs the money. And yet, this is his plan, as he’s been going around telling people.

As far as I’m concerned, Will Smith adopting a Chinese baby is a bad idea for a couple of reasons.

First of all, as many babies as there are in Africa with flies on their faces (I’ve seen the commercials), I’m at a loss for why Will Smith would feel it necessary to adopt a baby from China. As many Chinese as there are in the world, certainly they can afford to pool their resources and take care of their own if they want to. They produce pretty much all of the consumer goods you can buy at Wal-Mart.

One of the things I found so bothersome about the media backlash against celebrities adopting babies from Africa is that there are so many needy babies there. The issue was that the idea of all of these white people going over to Africa suggests that black people aren’t capable of taking care of their own, but here’s my thing: if I’m a baby over there in Africa sitting there with flies on my face, do you think I’m really sweating the ego of some bourgeois jig over here in the States?

Shit, Madonna could come “save” my black ass right now, and I wouldn’t take it as any sort of knock against my mother. She did what she could, now it’s Madonna’s turn. Madonna could get me some new pants and let me live in her basement, which I’m sure is much nicer than my real mom’s basement. She could even hit me off with some stank, though I’m not sure what the legal ramifications are of people having sex with their grown-ass adopted children. We might need to keep the adoption off the books just in case.

Which brings me to the other reason I don’t think it would be a good idea for Will Smith to adopt a Chinese baby – namely, the fact that Will Smith strikes me as one of these black people who starts hanging around with white people and ends up doing all sorts of stupid shit.

I’ve been around white people pretty much my entire life, and I’ve never had that issue. When I was in middle school, cracka-ass crackas would be like, “I’m about to go ride this skateboard.” But I’d be like, “Nah, I’m cool on that.” Then I’d go home and crank some Wu-Tang or some shit. Invariably though, there would be that one black kid who did try to ride a skateboard, and that kid would end up with a hardcore drug problem. If you went to a mostly white high school, you know which black kid I’m talking about.

Will Smith is that black kid. This became obvious to me late last year, when I heard that Tom Cruise had recruited him into the Church of $cientology, and the next thing you know, he was going around talking about how Hitler was a good person, he was just an underachiever. Indeed, I heard the reason he got the idea to adopt a Chinese baby is because he’s been spending a lot of time hanging out with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

If I was him, I would’ve just tried to fuck Angelina Jolie and been done with it. But you guys know I’m sick like that; I see an attractive woman, and the first thing that comes to my mind is sex. It’s no wonder Will Smith is the highest paid actor in Hollywood and I’m just the highest paid blogger for XXL. (Which is to say, perpetually on the verge of living on the street.) Maybe I should adopt a Chinese baby.

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