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The world is a strip club

Tell me I’m not the only guy on this site who, when he meets an especially hot girl, has to fight the urge to shove money down her pants, almost as a matter of reflex.

It’s not so much that I look for ways to give a broad some money, especially if I don’t know for a fact that I’m gonna get some stank in exchange. Lord knows, doing this silly shit for a living, I need to hold onto every dollar I can get my sweaty hands on. It’s more like a Pavlovian thing.

Here in the Midwest in particular, as I mentioned in my review of that N*E*R*D show the other day, it’s not every day you come across a broad that’s really good-looking. And I don’t mean good-looking in the sense that she’s white and my perception has been forever clouded by the liberal Jew-run media. I mean, really good-looking.

And more often than not, when you do, it’s in a strip club setting, where that sort of thing is not only entirely acceptable, it’s more or less mandatory. I’m not too proud to admit that, on more than one occasion, I’ve had those nights where I felt my single supply getting low, but I wasn’t about to leave the club just yet. So I had to play the corner for a minute, i.e. like two hours. And wouldn’t you know, those whores had the nerve to talk shit about me from the stage?

The sad thing is, that almost always works. I’ll be like, “You know what? I’ll fucking show that ignorant beeyotch!” Then I’ll go over and give her two bucks to let me give her a bronski. (Then I’ll go stroke it in the car and head back home.) Not that I’m complaining or anything. Shit, I can hardly think of a better way to spend a few dollars. Fuck starving children in Africa. No Michael Jackson.

Even that time I got a cold sore, and the next day my mom was like, “How’d you get that?” I could only be so upset.

But I digress. The point is that I’ve got this tendency to associate sex – er, something along those lines – with reaching for my wallet, and it only seems to have gotten worse over time. I wonder, though, if this is a sign of some perversion on my own part, or if this is a phenomenon that’s entirely commonplace in our culture in some form or another. In other words, is it so wrong to try to exchange money for pussy, or is that actually what god intended?

(The sign that you’re really fucked up is when you get that thing where literally every broad you see under a certain age kinda reminds you of someone you once saw in a pr0n. Again, tell me I’m not the only one who has this happen?)

The obvious example of this phenomenon right now would be the scandal involving the former governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer (who’s since been replaced by a motherfucking blind person…) – which is the thing that’s had me thinking about whores, and one whore in particular, all day long now.

And what a whore she is.

Going over the pictures posted to her MySpace profile (for the sake of journalism, natch) for three hours straight this morning, I couldn’t help but wonder: Was Eliot Spitzer really such a committed whore monger, or did he just happen to come across a broad he felt was that worth it in the course of his work?

Self-righteous types have come down on the former governor for being a hypocrite, because he used to prosecute these prostitution rings and now he’s been caught balls deep in one as it were, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was gonna go after the Emperor’s Club, too, but then he saw an ad for “Kristen” and was just like, “Fuck it.”

He was overcome with desire to drop a load in this broad, and it just so happened that this was a broad who would let you drop a load in her, if you were the kind of guy with access to a shiteload of money like that. Like the governor. It’s like when you’re in a strip club, and you suddenly feel the urge to reach out and touch some woman’s ass. And then it occurs to you, “Oh yeah, that’s right, I’m in a motherfucking strip club. You can do that here.”

So you’ll have to pardon me if I didn’t feel the same sense of vengeance towards this guy Eliot Spitzer as the TPARs of the world. I could feel where he was coming from. Literally. Yeah, he was wrong for going after grown people just for engaging in an act that didn’t harm anything other than a woman’s ego, but I believe it was Eddie King from the Five Heartbeats who said that two wrongs don’t make a right.

And damn it if he wasn’t right, despite his various demons.

Them alphabet boys should have never thrown Eliot Spitzer under a bus in the first place, but an ideal end to this situation would have been for him to acknowledge that he was wrong all those years for going after people just for trying to give each other money in exchange for pussy, and that it was “Kristen” who helped him see the error in his ways. Then he could’ve gone about his business as governor, and the blind fellow could’ve gone back to whatever it is blind people do all day.

Maybe “Kristen” could hit him off as a sort of consolation prize. I’d chip in for that, even though he’d have no way of knowing whether it was actually “Kristen” or just some clucker from the streets of East St. Louis. (Which it would be, natch, if I’m the one that’s paying!)

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