The Cerberus Of This Rap Shit…

First off kids, drugs are bad. I am stating this unequivocally, and I still haven’t taken my cough syrup yet. After that I should be flying. Try to walk with me for now…

So as I sit in my parent’s basement drinking Belvedere and Snapple Goji punch from my favorite sippee cup with the R2D2 crazy straw I asked myself, “Self, what is that futuristic rap shit?”

Nah’mean?!? What is that shit that would have you amped for the leak (no Wang)? Peep this…

Rap supergroup CERBERUS!

Just like the mythical three-headed dog this group would be the three best emcees with dog bark rhymes.

So no, Snoop would be excluded.

DMX, Ja Rule and Nine.

How sick is that lineup?

Nine was doing that dog shit, but then Funk Flex dropped sonn to run with DMX and the Double R crew. That was some fucked the fuck up shit since these two cats are from the Bronx, but you should all know that Funk Flex is coin-operated in this game. And I suppose we should all understand and represent our cultural value. Don’t let me get off track here. Nine starts shit off since that was his style first.

DMX is the doghead in the center. This motherfucker is complex and twisted. And crazy. Did I just say crazy? That nigga is 7 dot thirty. But that witty, unpredictable shit is what the game needs. The Wu does that shit on the regulack and we need more artists that have their creative energy focused. When DMX is focused he finds a spiritual level in his songs that prah’lee reminds heads of 2Pac, except DMX can rhyme better. But y’all already knew that. DMX is also crazy.

Ja Rule was put down over Busta Rhymes because you need a doghead to howl at the moon, and that is what Ja Rule’s singing ass will do. Plus let’s face it, you need someone to bring in the bitches. Hardbody rappers should have a least one track for the ‘hoodrats, er, ladies. Them chicks with a razor cut from their lip to their left earlobe who like being consensually punched in the face during sex. Rrrrrragh!

The question now is who would sign these washed up rappers to a deal that would get them together in the studio and then touring? It would need to be someone with a lot of wild paper. In steps the real Cerberus…

Cerberus Capital Management is a group of t.I.’s on that BlackWater USA shit except these jokers is more hard-fucking-body. These dudes own wild random shit;

  • Bayer
  • Georgia Pacific
  • Chrysler
  • Bushmaster Arms
  • Remington Arms
  • Formica Corp.
  • BlueBird (autobus mfg)
  • These fools got the scene on smash (no premiere Hip-Hop video site). Nahh, but f’real, these dudes got a media company too, and they own television stations. They prah’lee keep a lot of Harris Publications in the black too. So I guess that makes me an employee of Cerberus on some six degrees shit.

    Cerberus was the three headed dog that guarded the gates of Hades. If you ventured to Hades and tried to rescue one of your fam or friends you have to deal with Cerberus. Most motherfuckers just got devoured to death. I wonder how many emcees the rap group Cerberus can overwhelm? I think these old dogs still got some bite left in they bark provided you don’t try to teach an old dog new tricks.

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    • Teezy


      All the way from Australia

    • Mo Nages

      Yo Cereberus sold Chrysler to Daimler (aka Mercedes Benz) but I thought that was common knowledge. Either way funny post

    • gerald n. the birdman

      Drop Ja-Rule for Khujo Goodie and then i can fuxwitcha.

    • Motown

      Mo Nages…

      Chrysler is was owned by Mercedes Benz (Germans) but they sold it to a private company and reading this post Cereberus owns chrysler now

      but Billy x made a good point with this trio
      But…aren’t Ja and X BEEFIN

      Feel me like braile


      hilarious….nice drop

    • Encyclopedia Black

      Change the name to NWNL (Niggaz Who Need Lozenges)

    • khal

      Nine just needs to come back. that nigga was tough.

    • LowEndofDaChi

      HA! Billy on some Last Emperor type shit with this drop, funny read though!

    • lilwangforevar

      this is one of the funniest fucking things i’ve ever read on this site. gooooooooooooood work kid

    • boltfromthablue

      “First off kids, drugs are bad. I am stating this unequivocally, and I still haven’t taken my cough syrup yet. After that I should be flying. Try to walk with me for now…”

      So as I sit in my parent’s basement drinking DRUGS and Snapple Goji punch…

    • son boy

      the funny thing is i bet 90% of people reading this won’t know who nine is, even with the video at the bottom.

    • zacreole

      Anyone peep Nine’s verse on Tha Juggaknots Use Your Confusion Last year? He still doin his thing, not so much with the grrrr, bu still flowin’. Good shit for real hip-hop heads.

      Yeah, drop Ja for Khujo

      What about Tim Dog?

      Niggaz Who Need Lozenges-Clownin’


      Damn, I hadn’t thought about Nine in a minute.