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No, really, God damn America

Every once in a while I’ll have one of these moments when I realize just how different my point of view must be from everyone else. The other day, watching so many otherwise reasonable people fawn over Barack Obama’s race speech was definitely one of them.

Other than his still-surprising facility with the English language (he really does speak so well), I just plain couldn’t see what people were so impressed with. And as such, I was left with no other choice but to ask myself: Am I really that off-base here, or was that not some of the most egregious bullshit I’ve ever seen on TV evar? Of course I’m gonna have to roll with the latter, if only for the sake of my confidence in my own sanity at this point.

I’m so right about this.

One of the things that first clued me into the fact that Barack Obama is full of shit is the fact that, not only does Barack Obama belong to one of these black churches, but he only got into it as an adult. If I’m not mistaken, he was more or less the same age as I am right now. That just didn’t seem right to me.

I used to go to one of these black churches every once in a while when I was a kid (with Easter Sunday coming up, we’re rolling up on something like the 15th anniversary of the last time I was there), so I know what it’s like. Pretty much the only people you see there are elderly people, children who were dragged there by elderly people (which was how I got there), lonely black women, and maybe a few closeted teh ghey guys, who had the fear of God scared into them by AIDS.

I’m sure plenty of you fruits in the comments section are the products of these black churches. Tell me I’m making this shit up. They just aren’t the kind of place you go if you’re intelligent, and anything at all is going right with you’re life.

So it was obvious to me that joining this church was all part of his plain to break into politics, along with doing community service in the projects, and marrying a black chick who’s often at a loss for tact (consider what his options must have been), and what have you.

I figured I probably shouldn’t sweat it as much though. After all, plenty of white politicians have pulled the same shit. So for me to come down on Barack Obama for it would just be racist. Bill Clinton used to go to church. Remember, back when it was revealed that he had been letting Monica Lewinsky work on his joint in the oval office, and he announced he was gonna have to do some serious soul-searching with his spiritual advisor, Jesse Jackson?

Come to find out, Brother Jesse had also been getting his share of extra-curricular pussy. Shit, that’s probably what they were talking about. (They may have also compared notes on how not to get caught. With Hillary Clinton’s day schedules from when she was in the White House having recently been released, it’s been revealed that she was in the White House more often than not while Bubba was getting some stank on his hanglow. Damn.)

The big debate now is the extent to which Barack Obama ever believed any of the shit that’s preached at this church he goes to. In interviews in the past couple of weeks, he’s claimed he wasn’t in attendance when this guy Jeremiah Wright delivered some of his more controversial sermons. Otherwise, he would’ve risen from his seat and been like, “I can’t believe you said this country is racist,” and walked out. No, really, this is the kind of shit he’s been going around saying.

Whether or not he’s telling the truth I suppose is hard to say unless you were there. It seems ridonkulous to me that this guy could have officiated at Obama’s wedding; and baptized his children; and delivered the sermon that inspired his historic speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention as well as his best-selling book, the Audacity of Hope; and yet, Obama wasn’t aware of the text of his speeches. But who are you gonna believe, a guy who’s thisclose to being this country’s first black president, or just some asshole who sits around in his mother’s basement looking for shit to hate on over the Internets?

At any rate, I’m sure Obama is sweating his balls off right about now hoping no one actually digs up footage of him failing to dramatically exit the building when this guy says some shit about how the US itself may have sewn the seeds that eventually led to 9/11. You know, lest it look like he said some shit that wasn’t exactly true. I’m sure Obama would find a way to explain his way out of it though. The guy’s a fucking rhetorical genius.

And it’s not like he has to sweat losing the black community at this point. He’s got them (us?) in his back pocket on a level I wasn’t even aware was possible. Pimps don’t have this control over their whores. Never mind throwing his pastor under a bus; Barack Obama could shoot a black baby in its face on live TV, and black people would be like, “Well, maybe that’s what he needed to do to win the election. Let the nigga get in office first and see if he’s still shooting children.” That’s how ridiculous this shit has gotten.

Case in point, what did this guy Jeremiah Wright say that was so offensive that Obama had to make such a public spectacle of throwing him under the bus? At least Sista Souljah sorta kinda advocated killing white people. Jeremiah Wright did nothing of the sort – which, as far as I’m concerned makes what Barack Obama did even worse than what Bill Clinton did back in 1992.

Which is not to say that Jeremiah Wright didn’t occasionally spout some silly bullshit. The guy was a pastor, fer chrissakes. It was his job to spout silly bullshit. I’ve heard that he was one of these people who claim that the government invented AIDS, which is just impossible to prove. Until we get access to the CIA documents, we’re just gonna have to go with the theory that the AIDS epidemic is due to letting too many Haitian people immigrate to this country. Which it probably is.

Also, as David Mills, the jig from the moonie newspaper who did that interview with Professor Griff, recently pointed out, Jeremiah Wright doesn’t have his facts quite right when it comes to the Tuskegee Experiment. In the Tuskegee Experiment (which I’ll have you know my grandfather was in), the government didn’t actually give a bunch of black guys syphilis. They just found a bunch of black guys who already had syphilis and didn’t bother to treat them. But that’s the kind of minor factual error I can chalk up to the guy just being not that smart. Like I said, he’s a pastor.

Otherwise though, I’m having a hard time finding a fault with anything this guy has said. And you know I tried. Shit, if it wasn’t for the whole Jeebus thing, I might have to go to this guy’s church myself. (Let it be some hoes there…) That shit he said about this country being founded on racism? I find that to be true. Same thing with that shit he said about how the US had 9/11 coming: I didn’t want to believe that was true, since I live here and all. But as an adult, and as an educated person, I’ve got the emotional maturity to accept that it is. Even that shit he said about the CIA flooding the ghetto with drugs has been fairly well-documented.

Is Obama saying this shit is definitely not true? And if so, how do you reconcile your support for him with the fact that you know how to read? Or are you willing to set that whole “respect for your own intellectual ability” thing aside, because he’s black-ish? I’d really like to know.

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