Killing a dog is so 1998

As events this week have proven, any ol’ dumbass can kill a dog. But I’d argue that it takes a special kind of individual to teh ghey-bash a dog. Not only have I accomplished this (supposedly), but I’ve been taken to task for it in the media on more than one occasion.

(I also once killed a dog, way before it was all trendy.)

First of all, did everyone catch the YouTube video of that soldier torturing and killing a puppy? I’d describe it for you here, but I doubt I could really do it justice. Instead, I urge you to head over to the blog Valleywag, owned by Gawker Media (which has recently taken to posting videos that have been banned by other sites, like that Tom Cruise video), and check it out, along with five other clips of our best and brightest behaving badly.

Supposedly, the clip had to be taken down because angry PETA-types were posting the guy’s address and shit in the comments section and threatening to kill him. But I wouldn’t be surprised if someone with the military ordered YouTube to take the video down, for PR purposes. As I mentioned, briefly, in my post about how Will Smith had the Church of $cientology sue one of these damn gossip sites into oblivion, YouTube has been known for that sort of thing.

I might have to expand on that one day in a post, even though I’m pretty sure I already did here once. When you’ve written upwards of 500 fairly substantial posts for a site, as I have, you have a tendency to forget half of the shit you’ve written.

As was the case with a post I once wrote, back before there was a such thing as xxlmag.com (er, at least in its current state), about the time when the teh ghey community tried to come down on me (no homo) for supposedly teh ghey-bashing a dog.

The story begins back in 2005, when I was living with this guy I went to high school with and his dog. Nullus. Also, sometimes his girlfriend, who suffered from some issues with her pituitary gland, would be over with her dog.

I had always suspected that my roommate’s dog might be teh ghey, because it just didn’t seem to have a whole lot of scrap in it, and it would whine like a bitch when it needed to go outside to take a piss. (Then it would just take a piss right there on the floor, which makes me wonder if it didn’t just enjoy whining). But I had never actually seen it do anything teh ghey until this one day.

I was sitting there on the couch watching Entourage, with my roommate and his dog, and his girlfriend and her dog, when all of a sudden his dog just starts raping the side of the couch next to where I was sitting. Then my roommate yelled at it, and then it went over by the door, where it would sleep sometimes, and started blowing my roommate’s girlfriend’s dog, which was also a male dog. It was disgusting.

Traumatized, I mentioned later in a post on my site that if it would’ve tried that shit on me, I would have been left with no other choice but to kick the living shit out of it. And that I almost certainly would have been justified, in that actual human beings have been killed for less. If a girl can tase a guy for tackling her and trying to rape her in an alley (not that girls ever get “raped” this way), certainly a guy can kick the shit out of a dog for trying to rape him, no?

Well, that’s what I thought.

A few weeks later, some fruits with a fake newspaper called the New York Blade tried to make me seem like a homophobe (pshaw!) by tying my comments about this teh ghey dog in with some shit I had said about Kanye West. Namely, that his mother may have turned him into a teh ghey person by making him dress like a fruit as a kid, because he lacked a strong male influence in the home.

When I was a kid, every once in a while my mom would try to get me to wear some shit that was a little bit fruity (she didn’t know any better – she was a woman), and my old man would be like (and I’m paraphrasing), “He can’t wear that, he’ll grow up to be a faggot!” It occurred to me that Kanye West, like many black kids these days, didn’t have any such guidance as a youth.

However, it wasn’t like I was suggesting that Kanye West was gonna burn in hell because he’s teh ghey. Remember, I don’t believe in any of that shit. Religious people do. I was just saying. Maybe if the guy had more of a male influence growing up, he wouldn’t be such a fruit.

And the shit about the dog, didn’t have anything to do with Kanye West one way or another. The fellow with the Blade (nullus) just saw it on the front page of my site and tried to use it as a smoking gun in his case that I’m some sort of homophobe. Just because I object to being sexually attacked by a dog, and might result force to prevent that from happening. Pfft!

A few months later, my roommate’s teh ghey dog managed to make its way into a story about me in the local alt-weekly here in St. Louis, the Riverfront Times. I hadn’t planned this at all, it just sort of happened.

A guy from the paper (and I’m not gonna mention his name, because I know mentioning the names of rape victims without their consent tends to be frowned upon), was coming over to my house to work on the story. Nullus. Knowing the kind of shit this dog is into, I locked it in my roommate’s bedroom, in the rear of the apartment.

After a while, the guy from the paper heard the dog in the back room whining like a little bitch (as usual), and was like, “Why don’t you let it out?” As if I was being abusive by keeping it locked up in a back room, where it couldn’t rape anyone. (Just like Southerners do with their imbred children.)

So I let the dog out, and, wouldn’t you know, it ended up raping the guy. Not the couch where the guy was sitting – the actual guy. It mounted the guy’s leg, and it grew a rod that I wasn’t aware that a dog was capable of growing, and it went to town.

I was like, damn.

I didn’t realize it was gonna be in the story, but I should’ve known something was up when the RFT sent a broad to my place a while later to take a picture of the dog. I had told my roommate about it though, and he had arranged for the dog not to be there the day she came. I didn’t know what was going on, because I spend a lot of time sleeping. I thought the damn thing might have run away.

My roommate was upset, perhaps understandably so, that we used to give him so much shit about having a teh ghey dog – I think in part because he was already pissed that we used to call him Rainbow, because of some extracurricular shit that took place in Colorado that I really shouldn’t get into. The last thing he needed was for the world to know that he had a teh ghey dog.

So the dog ended up in the story, but without a corresponding picture or anything. But for whatever reason (probably because he’s white, and you know how white people love dogs), this teh ghey guy who read the story seized upon the fact that my roommate had a teh ghey dog that was known to rape people, and wrote an angry letter to the RFT, again trying to cast me as a homophobe.

(Note: I tried to find a link to the letter on the RFT website, but it’s probably since been taken down. Maybe because it was such bullshit.)

Oddly enough, he used the same tactics as the teh ghey newspaper, trying to link my comments about Kanye West to my issues with this dog. But then this guy took it one step further by using the time-honored tradition of trying to suggest that I was teh ghey, just because I had an issue with a teh ghey person, or in this case, a teh ghey dog.

Which is roughly tantamount to suggesting that a female rape victim had it coming because she was dressed like a slut – only worse, because it’s not true. Also, in this case, I wasn’t even the one that had the issue with the dog. I just happened to be in the room where the shit went down. No homo.

It just goes to show a) the extent to which white people love dogs, even more than they love people, especially black people (right, Common?); and b) the extent to which teh ghey people are willing to take certain liberties with the truth in order to defend Kanye West, whom they clearly see as one of their own.

Hmm…

  • http://ifux.alumnah.com/ i Fux aka Etheraldinho aka Farouq Obama

    Wow Bol you went in. This is the realest shit you ever wrote. *stands up and applauds* Everybody Applaud this Negroe right here.

  • Jova

    hilarious Bol!!!

  • http://www.xxlmag.com dirty sanchez/cincinnati bowtie!

    1st! Bol u a foo! Fat joe has a the ghey dog!

  • http://nofeeciti.com mp

    jeah

  • http://www.fuckyou.com Sweet

    Funny Shit.

  • INF

    This post was mad dumb, and irrelevant.

  • Tyler

    “and started blowing my roommate’s girlfriend’s dog, which was also a male dog”

    That was really U blowing the dog huh? Great story dude. I guess it goes 2 show that even fat smart mouth assholes get lonely to huh?

  • http://hiphoponmymind.blogspot.com DJ Daddy Mack

    WOW BOL. I MEAN WITH ME I WOULD JUST KICK THE DOG OFF NOT KILL IT LOL. BUT IN TERMS OF A GAY MAN TRYING TO DO SHIT TO ME, ITS ON 4REAL. SELF-DEFENSE SON. I DON’T HATE GAY PPL. AS A MATTER OF FACT, SOME OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW OF IS GAY AND IT DON’T BUG ME ONE BIT.

    “It just goes to show a) the extent to which white people love dogs, even more than they love people, especially black people (right, Common?); and b) the extent to which teh ghey people are willing to take certain liberties with the truth in order to defend Kanye West, whom they clearly see as one of their own.”

    A. MIGHT B THE TRUTH. SEE THIS: stuffwhitepeoplelike (DOT) wordpress (DOT) com/2008/02/04/53-dogs/

    B. LOL U FUNNY SINCE KANYE IS GETTING MARRIED TO A BLACK WOMEN, A MODEL IN FACT.

    BOL, U RAISE A LOT OF INTERESTING THINGS HERE. BUT HONESTLY, WOULD U B FRIENDS WITH A GAY PERSON?

    U ARE 4 FOR 4. KEEP IT UP.

  • moresickaMC

    Throwing a dog off a cliff is mad foul. shooting sheep?..meh(pun intended)

    btw, f&cc PETA

  • og bobby j

    no idea how this is hip hop related, nor do I give a fuck. That shit was straight comedy. I dont know if Kanye is gay, but he sure dresses like he spends time brushing dick off his breathe. Gay people are faggots!

    “Which is roughly tantamount to suggesting that a female rape victim had it coming because she was dressed like a slut – only worse, because it’s not true.”

    Classic…

  • TheR

    Well said.

    You can’t even make comments on the NYBlade site (I wonder why)

  • Fin

    All-time classic post Bol, although I’m surprised you didn’t bless it with a pre-emptive no boutros on the whole thing.

    Don’t slip someone might accidentally think you’re gay. ^^^^^^^^^^

  • BigDan!

    “After a while, the guy from the paper heard the dog in the back room whining like a little bitch (as usual), and was like, “Why don’t you let it out?” As if I was being abusive by keeping it locked up in a back room, where it couldn’t rape anyone. (Just like Southerners do with their imbred children.)”

    Haha, that was the funniest shit in this post man.

  • og bobby j

    not to defend the soldier…cause that shit was foul. Although, I did read how the “insurgents” would strap bombs to dogs and even feed them ball bearings and then send them walking into military bases….thats some gangsta shit. On that note, I could see tossin a dog off a cliff.

  • Pierzy

    Us white people definitely love dogs. I like dogs more than 99% of all people…especially white people.

  • gerold

    dude you are actually getting better at this blogging thing lol lol

  • http://bartholomewrichards.blogspot.com brichards

    I don’t usually post at XXL cuz there’s way too many dumbasses on these boards, but I felt it necessary to tell what a masterpiece this post was. Keep up the good work.

  • http://dronkmunk.blogspot.com dronkmunk

    I think…yeah, yep I’m pretty sure that I just wasted 10 minutes..

    • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

      it took you ten minutes to read this?

      oh and bol, all teh disclaimers in this piece make you seem pretty teh ghey.

  • browniee

    “Maybe if the guy had more of a male influence growing up, he wouldn’t be such a fruit.”

    BOL ahahahah u sound like a hatin counsellor. KANYE WEST SHOULD READ THIS it ll get on his preppy nerves..

  • Maddolies

    Those Souljaz suposed ta be bringing democracy and peace to iraq?
    U see why everyone hates america. Its Bulshit like that.
    Fuck Bush!

    Obama 08
    Make the change!

  • Pingback: kanye west » Blog Archive » Killing a dog is so 1998

  • connor

    it’s kind of funny and also kind of discouraging that the further you get into this like fake morning-show shock jock thing you’re doing the more people seem to like it, and on the ones where it seems like you’re coming closest to saying what you actually think they call you a faggot and stuff.

    no late-period jay-z to any of the above btw.

  • Hold Tight The UK Garage And Grime… UK I Rep Thats Me When I Rhyme!

    Bol… Its About Time The US Took Some Time To Let The UK Breakthrough… We Have Some Of The Realest Rap Out There Compared To All These Soulja Boy Faggots… Even 50 Cent’s Falling Off (Don’t Get Me Wrong… I’m No Hater… I Got All His Albums… But Hes Fallen Off)… Who Do The US Have Coming Through… Flo-Rida?? Please… Joe Budden And Joell Ortiz The Only US Artists I’m Feeling Right Now

    Just Do A Blog On UK Grime… Give Us The Notice We Deserve!… Check Out The Likes Of:

    Chipmunk – 17 Years Old And Realer Than Any US Rapper I’ve Heard In A Minute – http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=66918670 – Try The Songs ‘Who Are You’ and ‘Fire Alie’… Also Check Out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt9tfVyxggU – The 1st To Spit… Let Me Know When Someone From The US Rhymes Like That

    Kano – http://www.myspace.com/kano679 – One Of The Realest Out There! – Check Out London Town… Real Song

    Ghetto – His Album ‘Ghetto Gospel’ Is Truly Amazing… Spits Stuff The US Couldn’t Dream Of… End Of

    Also Check Out The Likes Of Wretch 32, Scorcher, Devlin, JME, Skepta, Durrty Goodz, Bashy, Tinchy Stryder and More

    JME And Skepta Live In NY: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wci4x7spnsY… Boy Better Know!!

    So Yeah…

    Stand Up UK!

    Hold Tight The UK Garage And Grime… UK I Rep Thats Me When I Rhyme!

  • Liam

    Gayness wise

    Lil Wayne >Ted Haggard> Kanye West> actual gays

  • Mr.Wang

    interestin post here Bol

  • AJG Da Aviaotr

    Bol yo azz str8 retarded wit dis one. i wuz rolling my azz off laughin and shit like dat. Good one!!!

  • ahhaha

    white people love dogs because they are dogs

  • Horus

    You have a point about Kanye’s mom makin him a fruit by what she got him to wear. That shit CAN turn a kid effeminate. I used to know this kid in elementary raised by mom and grandma and he dressed like a fruit everyday, grew up to be one too.

    I remember my mom tried to get me to wear one of those Member’s Only Jackets back in the day when they were popular and I was like OH HELL NO! Mainly because it was aquamarine and everyone knows the hot colors were red, black, tan.

  • SurferDude

    LMAO!!!

    i dont know what to say, is this 4 real???!!!

    I love the Kanye Bashin though (nullus)

  • boltfromthablue

    “took it one step further by using the time-honored tradition of trying to suggest that I was teh ghey, just because I had an issue with a teh ghey person”

    i hate that shit im not gay but i just dont want any gay people as friends or associates…or even family members

  • THA BOSS

    BOL I GOTTA SAY WITH THEM GLASSES YOU LOOK MAD TEH GHEY, YOU LOOK LIKE THE FACE OF ONE OF THOSE CELEBRETON BLACK SHIATSU PEEKIN OUT A FAKE LOUIS V BAG IM JUS SAYIN YOUR LUCKY SOMEONE DONT PUT YOUR TEH GHEY ASS DOWN NO PUN INTENDED.

  • VoiceOfReason

    Damn, all these sensible posts you’ve done recently, guess we were due for a shitsandwich soon, right?

    Its funny how you’ve dedicated entire posts to the topic of homosexuality, when your Youtube interview casts you as one of the most softspoken and effeminate lads this side of San Francisco.

    I mean come on, a straight guy who passionately writes about teh ghey community, on a hip hop site?

    What part of the game is that?

    Shit just ain’t addin’ up.

  • therealwayno

    Not for nothing, but if you actually watched one male dog blowing another male dog -nullus – then watched the same dog rape some dude – nullus – doesn’t that sort of make you teh ghey for watching?

  • http://www.xxlmag.com EReal

    b) the extent to which teh ghey people are willing to take certain liberties with the truth in order to defend Kanye West, whom they clearly see as one of their own.
    ^^^
    LMAOOOO!

    Hey, the dog and Kanye are kinda alike, not only teh ghey, but they both whine alot!

    • I HATE ON HATERS

      Word @ E.

      But yo, I don’t think the dog’s created 3 critically acclaimed albums, garnered worldwide appeal, and outsold the biggest pseudo-thug since ‘Pac in arguably one of the most anticipated release dates in recent years.

      I could be wrong though.

      Maybe you brothers should step your life/money/chick/self esteem game up, b/c its uber gay to constantly make comments about a nigga’s wardrobe. I mean speculating on dude’s sexuality, isn’t that like some female/tabloid/gossip shit?

      I mean, that can’t be hip hop, can it?

  • fasho

    good post just wanna know why u write teh ghey instead of just gay or homo, kinda annoying to keep on reading every second sentence