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Free the hip-hop mayor

I’ve been reading up on the case of this guy Kwame Kilpatrick, the hip-hop mayor of Detroit, and I’m not sure what to think. On the one hand, it’s become obvious to me that the guy’s a fucking idiot and should have never been elected mayor in the first place; but on the other hand, I’m not sure if that alone is sufficient cause for the guy to be kicked out of office, let alone thrown in jail.

My reasoning is this: Is it not our (er, your) prerogative as a community to demand less from our politicians, if we want to. Yeah, Kwame Kilpatrick isn’t the sharpest pencil in the box, but perhaps he appeals to black people on another level, mostly having to do with emotions and tribal bloodlust. I wouldn’t begrudge any black person their freedom to vote for this guy just because he’s black, or “hip-hop,” just like I wouldn’t want anyone to begrudge me my right to vote for the best candidate in this year’s presidential election, even if people think they don’t have any chance of winning.

I’m open-minded like that. (No homo.)

Kilpatrick’s detractors like to bring up the fact that the city of Detroit, which is legendary for being fucked the fuck up, spent $9 million investigating whether this guy got some extracurricular stank on his hanglow. (Shit, I could’ve told them that for half as much. If I was mayor of Detroit, I’d be balls deep in some hoo-er as I was typing this. Also, for all we know, this guy could actually be a pimp. He’s got the wardrobe. Or do all black people in Detroit dress like that?) And they claim that alone is reason enough for him to step down. So far he’s refused to, even after the city council there gave him an overwhelming vote of no confidence and asked for him to resign his position. Now he’s facing perjury charges and could do hard time, though hopefully he can pull a Clay Davis.

A few problems with this line of reasoning, as far as I’m concerned: First of all, how is it this guy’s fault that the city spent $9 million trying to get all up in his business? I’m pretty sure he didn’t personally sign off on that shit like, “Here, go waste $9 million that could’ve been better spent trying to clean this shit hole of a city up trying to figure out whether or not I sent nasty text messages to some light-skinted broad I been trying to dig since the 12th grade.” Common sense should have told them that the desire to have sex with girls you went to high school with can be completely irrational, and that any guy, given the means (like, if he was the mayor or some shit), would be tempted enough to try it. There’s girls I went to high school with, who don’t look like shit these days, that I’d be willing to take a certain amount of risk to have sex with, just for the sake of “closure.”

Also, who are we kidding here? I’m no expert when it comes to the financial issues facing major American cities, but Detroit doesn’t strike me as the kind of city that you can make all better by writing it a check for $9 million. Otherwise, we could all donate a dollar and be done with it. I’ll donate two, since it was my idea, but I need to be guaranteed some “me” time with one of Detroit’s finest hookers – maybe a light-skinted black chick. Seriously though, my fear here is that people are gonna try to blame all of the problems of Detroit on some mayor who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants (nullus); and not only will it have the effect of deflecting from the real issues, but it’ll also serve the purpose of tainting other hip-hop politicians who didn’t have anything to do with it, should one who’s actually worth a shit come along one day.

Long story short, yeah the guy’s a fuck-up, but if he’s removed from office, it shouldn’t be because he tried to get his nut off (nullus), or because some bureaucrat had a vendetta against him. It should be because people finally had the sense to elect someone with actual capability, regardless of who they’re related to or whether or not they’re “hip-hop.”

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