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Who banged Fat Joe’s wife?

If I was famous enough, I would definitely try to have sex with a series of famous women and then write stories about it. Not only would it be a good idea business-wise (no more of this working for boxes of cutout copies of XXL Raps CDs), but I’m sure it would be utterly fulfilling on a… shall we say, personal level.

I even mentioned it once in a post on this site, back when it was rumored that Ray J was working on a book about the fact that he’s had sex with more than 1,100 women, at the ripe-old age of 26 – a sort of male version of those Superhead books: that was so my dream career, and that fruit had to go and steal it.

From what I understand, the Ray J book has since been scrapped, so there might be hope for my dream career just yet. Now all I’ve got to do is convince a series of famous women to have sex with me. And I’m not too proud to admit: based on the (ahem, occasional) difficulties I’ve had convincing women who aren’t famous to have sex with me, this may be no small feat.

Apparently, people in general, but especially women, don’t like to read things that make them feel bad about themselves; they just want to be flattered. Not that my idea was to convince women to make sweet, passionate love to me through the sheer quality of my writing, but, as it turns out, there’s no money in this either.


But I digress

Ray Benzino isn’t famous per se, but he’s an important figure in the history of hip-hop, on account of the fact that he must have pictures of Dave Mays having sex with another guy. Or maybe the two have found some sort of bond two people share when neither is actually black. Who knows?

At any rate, Benzino has been Dave Mays’ right hand man since forever, going back to the days when they helmed the second-best hip-hop magazine evar (behind, of course, my benefactors here at Harris), The Source.

It was always rumored that the two of them, and especially Benzino, used their considerable influence to have their way with any number of… erm, hoes in the hip-hop community, including the likes of Lil’ Kim (who once got five mics for an album that wasn’t even Hard Core) and some of the girls used to write for them. (Note to self, start your own magazine. No more of this blog bullshit.)

But for whatever reason, such stories were never given the fully detailed rendering they so obviously deserved. Is it because they weren’t true? Again, it’s hard to say. Obviously, my hope is that they were. A recently-leaked cover of Mays and Benzino’s Hip-Hop Weekly purported to finally take you, the reader, inside Ray Benzino’s filthy den of sensuality, but come to find out it was a fake.

I only read about it on the Miss Info website, which was very adamant about noting that this was, in fact, a Miss Info exclusive; but then they didn’t bother to actually post a picture of said cover so that you’d know what they were talking about. There might even be some sort of lesson in that about the integrity of writers who continuously tout their own access to celebrities.

It reminds me of a conversation I once had with Slug from Atmosphere, who happens to be a close personal friend of mine. (Hey Sluggo, how’s the family?)

Anyhoo, apparently this cover suggested that Benzino had run up in Fat Joe’s wife, and Fat Joe is none too pleased, even though it was fake. Not having so much as a girlfriend, let alone a wife, of course it would be difficult for me to say how it would feel to have Benzino suggest that he had sex with your wife one way or the other. Hopefully, this doesn’t drive him to eat.

Here’s the operative bit from the Miss Info website:

The fake magazine cover includes the ridiculous coverline: “Benzino’s Confessions: I Slept with Fat Joe’s wife. Lil’ Kim, Foxy, Misa, Melyssa Ford…It’s Nothing. Yiimean? I’m like the male Superhead…..Why Trina aborted my baby….My fling with Suge’s baby mama.” Fat Joe says the entire cover is a photoshopped fake intended to fool people into thinking that this magazine was really printing that story. In reality, the upcoming cover of that magazine actually features Young Buck.

Which of course begs the question: Why in the world would someone pretend to have sex with Fat Joe’s wife? Does that not strike you as being rather random? Even if I did, I don’t know if I’d admit to it for the purpose of bragging. (Aww dang!) Maybe if I had beef with the guy.

Speaking of which… since Mays and Benzino supposedly didn’t have anything to do with it, of course my mind immediately went to 50 Cent – pretty much the only person I could think of who has beef with Fat Joe, other than some of those bums from Terror Squad. As I mentioned the other day, Fiddy has been ratcheting up his marketing efforts on the Internets as of late, trying to get his career back in order.

Could this all be part of some viral marketing scheme he’s got going on to promote his new film with Robert DeNiro (who probably also had sex with Fat Joe’s wife)? What do you fruits think?

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