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Thuggin’ Lovin’

ValentiMe’s Day should be the first day of the year. This is the day that everyone is obligated to express their love for something other than themselves. I try not to masturbate on Valentime’s Day so that I don’t bring the ghost of St. Valentime down on my ass. You know that nigga had syphylis right?

What are y’all getting into later on? Taking your broad out to dinner? Red Lobster I bet. Niggas act like Red Lobster is a fancy restaurant. You always see a grip of folks in they church shit coming out of that place with plastic bags full of shit. Niggas be going grocery shopping in Red Lobster like that motherfucker is a real fish store. That’s what happens though when you O.D. on them cheesy biscuits. Them shits is crack though.

If you ain’t got a broad to trick on I hope you at least bring your momma a rose or some shit. Thank her for not swallowing your ass. Trust me dunn, all mothers swallow. Except mine. She was a virgin when she had me. True story.

Okay, do not force me to think about my mother having sex. It’s fucking Valentime’s Day and I am about to go masturbate to pics of that chick from the ‘Flashing Lights’ video. I have to find a pic where she is buckit neckit though. Just to make sure she is sporting a twat. You know how these entertainment types like to fuck with the foxy she-males? You think that chick is some kind of exotic middle eastern Sephardic poon and then she surprises you with a penis. That shit never happened to me though. I’m just sayin’ like maybe ask Eddie Murphy or Mason Betha.

If you were wondering what some of your favorite rappers were doing for Valentime’s Day let’s take a look inside of the mailbag here at XXL Mag dot com where they mail away their Valentimes cards. Too bad these rappers don’t sign their names. Then at least we would know who these fruits are.

Pappy Chulo,
Be my Valentime. I’m sorry that you got punched in the face.
xo,
U.M.

Big Bro’,
This is your baby bro.
I’m sorry that the rock is all smashed out.
Let me know if you need a loan.
Your shy valentime
K Dubya


Happy Valentine lil mama,
I seen’t u and ur “husband” at the grammys.
Let me know when I can come scoop you.
Kelis Keys > Kelis Jones
Lol, just playin, but not really.
xoxox
AK


Dear Daddy,
I am gonna kiss you on the mouth this weekend at the All-Star game. With my tongue too.
Smooches(with pictures of hearts drawn in)
Daddy’s Baby

I think I have read enough of these cards. I’m about to vomit on my keyboard. I hope that whatever you do today you do it with some love behind it. Hell, pull out the Carter II and listen to it ten times and convince yourself it’s a classic. Dust off the OB4CL cassette tape if you got one. I still do. It’s the only album named OB4CL you will hear in 2008. Put a little something in the air for all the brothers that couldn’t be here because they are dead or arrested, like Juvenile who got arrested for putting something in the air.

Today is a day for love. Tomorrow however, is a brand new day where we can return to hating on shit.

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