The ball is in your court, Diddy

It seems like once a week these days some celebrity gets caught doing something completely and utterly ridonkulous, and commentators from the PC community strain themselves to come up with an excuse.

Take for example when Michael Vick got caught fighting dogs, which ultimately ended up getting him thrown in the clink and ruining his career. At the time, it was suggested that he was from the South and that’s what they do down there, and it would be elitist of us to suggest that there’s something wrong with it just because we didn’t grow up with it.

Which, oddly enough, tends to be people’s argument for UGK. (Or should I have said, “tended?”)

And it was suggested that T.I. kept a ridonkulous arsenal in his bedroom closet because he grew up poor, and when you grow up poor like that there’s this tendency to think that your suburban Atlanta subdivision might be invaded by tranny hookers al Qaeda. Of course I wouldn’t understand, because my parents just weren’t black enough.

I think it’s obvious though the real reason celebrities engage in such foolishness is because they’re idiots. I mean, of course Michael Vick is gonna be in a swamp playing with dogs during the off-season. What else is he gonna do? He just doesn’t have that vivid an imagination.

Similarly, I think you fruits know that Diddy is one of my favorite “moguls” in all of hip-hop (nullus), but I wonder if he’s always making the best use of his time.

For example, if I was Diddy, I’d be balls deep in Cassie constantly. At least once a day. (I wouldn’t want the “new” to wear off.) I find her even more attractive than some of the white broads Diddy is rumored to have run up in, like Sienna Miller.

Which really is amazing, since I’m sure many of you know that I find there to be a racial hierarchy of women based on personal appearance, and I find white women to be at the top of said hierarchy. But I guess there’s always gotta be an exception that proves the rule.

However, my fear is that Diddy isn’t taking full advantage of this opportunity. I mean, I’m sure he’s “taken advantage” of it, but… as often as I would? Probably not. In that sense, it’s too bad he’s a world famous celebrity and I’m stuck here in my mom’s basement rifling through Google Images.

Speaking of which, the other day I was browsing this site’s news section (which Fernando prefers to the blogs, because there’s less conjecture), and I came across another opportunity that Diddy has yet to seize upon, as far as I know.

The other day, it was announced that the Death Row Records catalog is for sale at auction, and right now Warner Music Group is the highest bidder at $25 million. Other interested parties are said to include motherfucking Koch Records, but Warner is especially adamant about sealing the deal, because they already own some of the Death Row shit.

So of course I got to thinking: If I’m Diddy, how in the world am I not buying the Death Row Records catalog? Sure $25 million is mad steep, even if you’re Diddy, but who knows how much it might be worth in the long run? And even if it wasn’t the world’s most advisable business venture, it’d still be worth it just to fuck with Suge Knight.

Think about it: the two of them have been beefing since forever, and Suge (may or may not have) killed the only really good artist Diddy would ever sign. What better way to get back at him than to buy his entire company from the court at a deep discount? Shit, if I was Diddy, I’d see if I could get them to throw in Suge’s old piranha tank, just for shits and giggles.

Also, since Diddy already owns Biggie’s publishing, which Biggie sold to him for $200,000 during a moment of financial duress in 1996, he could put out an album with both Biggie and 2Pac records on it. Imagine “Hit ‘Em Up” and “Long Kiss Goodnight” on the same CD. I don’t even know where they sell CDs anymore, but I’d find a place to cop that shit!

  • daz_oc

    What was the Point of this……

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      I started with the part about Cassie and worked backwards. My bad if it’s not up to your usual high standards.

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    i agree, diddy needs to buy that catalogue.

    sidenote: hierarchy of xxl threads.

    blogs > features > news > bangers.

    • ATL = All Trannies Live

      I beg to differ

      Eye Candy > blogs > news > bangers > feature

      I put features last b/c I really don’t care to hear rappers do anything other than rap. B/c they mostly just put thier foot in thier mouths or sound like complete idiots during interviews.

      • Cassius

        Real chicks > the Eye Candy section

        Maybe most common broads are not as beautiful (cough*airbrushed*cough) as the Eye Candies, but still

  • b-ease

    Imagine “Hit ‘Em Up” and “Long Kiss Goodnight” on the same CD. I don’t even know where they sell CDs anymore, but I’d find a place to cop that shit!

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^

    “Heard thru the grape vine/u got fucked four times/damn that 3 to 9 fucked u up for real tho”

    Best (only good?) subliminal diss song ever.

  • http://www.uptownempire.com trubb

    ur right, he should buy that. It would be funny to get back at suge, but its really about the music wtf warner bros going to do with it? and kock, thats just funny. but it would be a good investment,

  • http://www.uptownempire.com trubb

    ur right, he should buy that. It would be funny to get back at suge, but its really about the music wtf warner bros going to do with it? and kock, thats just funny. but it would be a good investment,

  • og bobby j

    True Indeed on the Cassie thought…I’d beat that chino/phlip puss on the reg…

    as for the Death Row shit…..You would think that he would be interested in that rather then say, a making the band 12.

    Side note : I would gladly dump a load in anyone of those Danity Kane broads’ belly button.

  • The Nicker

    Counting your own web site that’s three “I live in my mom’s basement” cracks in three days. Did you move back there or something?

    ^^^Suge (may or may not have) killed the only really good artist Diddy would ever sign.^^^

    I mean you could make an argument that Black Rob was a good signing, regardless of whether or not he was a good artist.

  • Fernando

    Damn Bol,

    You just had to throw a UGK blast in there. Its unfortunate that they dont live up to your high standards of musical taste that includes such pioneers as Arcade Fire, Gin Blossoms, Panic at the Disco, and about 20 other terrible bands that people leach on to just to impress people that they found a sh!tty band nobody has heard of. Seriously, I enjoy some rock and roll, but about 95% of the sh!t that (Bol listens to) passes as revolutionary or ahead of its time is complete crap.

    As far as the news on this site, I have never clicked on that tab. I have only noticed the “top stories” when I peruse the Eye Candy or Bloggers section. And please, somebody make XXL to remove all of the terrible G-Unit / Mobb Deep / Felli Fel / Joe Budden videos from that page.

    Cassie would get it five times daily. How is she not more popular? I know she couldnt hold a note to save her life, but neither can most every other pop artist out there. She needs to be damn near naked in every video she does damnit.

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      For the record, I don’t listen to Panic at the Disco.

    • squadwildin

      Yea agreed. Having a message is good but at the same time, its still music.. If it sounds like shit, then the message is irrelevant.

  • Fernando

    I prefer the News to the blogs because there is less guessing? Cant figure out what the hell you are talking about.

  • ddubbzz

    Yea bol…your dumbass hit the nail on the head. I didnt even think of Diddy buying that catalougue, but now that i think of it…it would be the SMARTEST move diddy would ever make. And diddy baught big’s publishing for 200 large? DAMN…diddy’s a cold hearted business man. Should have threw that nigga 200 large instead of owning his masters…haha..smart man

  • Fernando

    Aundrea and the (now) redheaded chick are the only Danity Kane chicks I would hit sober. The blond looks like a meth-head with makeup, and the black chick looks like a damn horse.

    • og bobby j

      lets not pretend that you wouldnt sling some yougurt at that blone aubrey chick….

      The black chicks are less attractive, but to quote the late great “I don’t discriminate, I regulate every shade of that ass”

  • The Spaniard

    “I think it’s obvious though the real reason celebrities engage in such foolishness is because they’re idiots. I mean, of course Michael Vick is gonna be in a swamp playing with dogs during the off-season. What else is he gonna do? He just doesn’t have that vivid an imagination.”

    A wise observation.

    It’s utterly amazing how a large number of clowns can give a pass to, justify, praise, or glorify the most asinine behavior and thoughts, usually chalking it up to subjective choice.

  • I REIGN SUPREME

    I vote to have you elected as aN NY Times editor/writer, you truly have an imaginary and incredible MIND. gOOD ARticle. aND THE TYPING OF THE WORD AND THEN PUTTING A SCrATCH THROUGH IT IS hilarious, keep up the good work.

  • chun

    I’d put down money in his place.

    Fuck Suge

  • TheMailMan

    “if I was Diddy, I’d be balls deep in Cassie constantly. At least once a day. (I wouldn’t want the “new” to wear off.)”

    lol

    http://www.myspace.com/yelawolf

  • Paul Wall

    Fuck you Bol. You are a bitch and a faggot

  • Fernando

    Diddy buying Death Row would rate as a 9.4 on the vengeance scale. It would be funny as hell if Diddy started wearing Death Row T-Shirts and started paying Dr. Dre for beats on the new Danity Kane album. Even better if he signed Snoop, Dogg Pound, Hitman, The Realest?, Rage, Spider Loc or whatever the latest faux-gangbanger act was and then released a new Death Row Christmas album. Suge would probably Pimp-C himself.

    • LC

      Tell me you ain’t Bill Simmons

  • Fernando

    P.S – Those Bonsai sandals look sick!

  • Tyler

    Dude, BoL U are one funny fat fuck. 4 real. And what’s even more funny is all the sickning shit I do 2 your moms in her room while your sitting down in the basement thinking up shit like this. WestSide!

    • Big Dick Cheney

      Tyler…lmao. Hilarious. Bol, you gone take that you fat fuck?

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    I see that most of the east coast is still feeling sore(n/h) from Death Row tearing a whole in they ass(n/h)get over it,they let 1 man destroy they shit and let another nigga kick down buildings.Cannot ride w/BB diddy got ya boy smoked there is no way in hell i would have let that nigga talk me into going to LA knowin how niggas loved pac….shiiiiitte not me

    • sp3

      ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
      already! co sign.

  • http://www.picturemedia.co.za I RUN THIS..

    So Bol, you mean if you ran XXL your balls will be all up in Billy Sunday’s ass?..

    In other words Bonsu Thomson (is or may not be) chowing all the Eye Candy girls?

    pls clarify

  • K Kills

    Another poorly written blog with no point. XXL will hire any loser to write about nothing i guess.

  • AG

    I can’t believe you get paid for this shit.

    For your next column, why don’t you review the Counting Crows discography or some shit. Do you even listen to rap? I like your pic up there, what happened, ran out of peanut M&M’s?

  • Pierzy

    Anyone that knows anything about the music industry knows that all of the power and money is in the publishing…that’s why The LOX were so intent on getting theirs back. I agree that it would be the ultimate fuck you to Suge if Puff bought whatever is left of Death Row and just owned the shit out of it. In a little of 10 years, it’s gone from Bad Boy vs. Death Row to run rap into Death Row possibly being owned by Bad Boy, which is international and Sean John makes most of his cash from endeavors OTHER THAN music.

  • beatz23

    Wow, you’re not even trying anymore are you?

  • Ali

    this catalogue will end up goin’ to Aftermath….Dre is seekin’ money from em…he’s gonna get it & give it right back 4 everything…..or at least i hope….cuz i don’t want Diddy to have a hold on tha last Pac material left

  • Jerod

    Hey now… Arcade Fire is a pretty good band. Fuck those other losers though.

  • scrimp

    still going at UGK? god your a loser, oops i mean a blogger.

  • Jonsey the white kid

    I cant understand Diddy, dude is a genius becoming a mogul ehen his only claim to fame is signing Biggie Smalls. What else has he done? No other rap act of his is worth shit. His clothing line is just terrible, who would dress up in sean john. Hes pretty damn ugly. hes a useless rapper. Nowasays his producing skills are pretty lame (even though back in the day he had fire). Point is, dude is doing sumthin right, and that gives all bums some hope of future sucess= Bol u may have a shot :)

    I cant believe Bol listens to Panic at the disco, thats hysterical, Im not judging though, LOL!

  • I REIGN SUPREME

    Write an article on that NAS n****r shirt and the dumbness behind what he’s talking about.