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The ball is in your court, Diddy

It seems like once a week these days some celebrity gets caught doing something completely and utterly ridonkulous, and commentators from the PC community strain themselves to come up with an excuse.

Take for example when Michael Vick got caught fighting dogs, which ultimately ended up getting him thrown in the clink and ruining his career. At the time, it was suggested that he was from the South and that’s what they do down there, and it would be elitist of us to suggest that there’s something wrong with it just because we didn’t grow up with it.

Which, oddly enough, tends to be people’s argument for UGK. (Or should I have said, “tended?”)

And it was suggested that T.I. kept a ridonkulous arsenal in his bedroom closet because he grew up poor, and when you grow up poor like that there’s this tendency to think that your suburban Atlanta subdivision might be invaded by tranny hookers al Qaeda. Of course I wouldn’t understand, because my parents just weren’t black enough.

I think it’s obvious though the real reason celebrities engage in such foolishness is because they’re idiots. I mean, of course Michael Vick is gonna be in a swamp playing with dogs during the off-season. What else is he gonna do? He just doesn’t have that vivid an imagination.

Similarly, I think you fruits know that Diddy is one of my favorite “moguls” in all of hip-hop (nullus), but I wonder if he’s always making the best use of his time.

For example, if I was Diddy, I’d be balls deep in Cassie constantly. At least once a day. (I wouldn’t want the “new” to wear off.) I find her even more attractive than some of the white broads Diddy is rumored to have run up in, like Sienna Miller.

Which really is amazing, since I’m sure many of you know that I find there to be a racial hierarchy of women based on personal appearance, and I find white women to be at the top of said hierarchy. But I guess there’s always gotta be an exception that proves the rule.

However, my fear is that Diddy isn’t taking full advantage of this opportunity. I mean, I’m sure he’s “taken advantage” of it, but… as often as I would? Probably not. In that sense, it’s too bad he’s a world famous celebrity and I’m stuck here in my mom’s basement rifling through Google Images.

Speaking of which, the other day I was browsing this site’s news section (which Fernando prefers to the blogs, because there’s less conjecture), and I came across another opportunity that Diddy has yet to seize upon, as far as I know.

The other day, it was announced that the Death Row Records catalog is for sale at auction, and right now Warner Music Group is the highest bidder at $25 million. Other interested parties are said to include motherfucking Koch Records, but Warner is especially adamant about sealing the deal, because they already own some of the Death Row shit.

So of course I got to thinking: If I’m Diddy, how in the world am I not buying the Death Row Records catalog? Sure $25 million is mad steep, even if you’re Diddy, but who knows how much it might be worth in the long run? And even if it wasn’t the world’s most advisable business venture, it’d still be worth it just to fuck with Suge Knight.

Think about it: the two of them have been beefing since forever, and Suge (may or may not have) killed the only really good artist Diddy would ever sign. What better way to get back at him than to buy his entire company from the court at a deep discount? Shit, if I was Diddy, I’d see if I could get them to throw in Suge’s old piranha tank, just for shits and giggles.

Also, since Diddy already owns Biggie’s publishing, which Biggie sold to him for $200,000 during a moment of financial duress in 1996, he could put out an album with both Biggie and 2Pac records on it. Imagine “Hit ‘Em Up” and “Long Kiss Goodnight” on the same CD. I don’t even know where they sell CDs anymore, but I’d find a place to cop that shit!

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