Free Larry Patterson, Jr.

Let’s say you were a 19 year-old hyphy rapist riding around in a Ford Taurus with your five month-old baby rolling around unrestrained on the back seat.

Then let’s say a police officer saw you, because your car fit the description of a car that’s recently been stolen, because I guess the police down in Florida (where you live) don’t have anything better to do than look for a motherfucking stolen Ford Taurus.

(Note: My grandma’s car used to get stolen all the time and the police would never find that shit, even though it was just parked outside some crackhead’s house in North St. Louis. I’ll take this as further proof that St. Louis is the gulliest city in the US.)

Then let’s say the police officer started following you, and you got nervous and sped off and ended up crashing your Tauntan into another car, because you have no driver’s license and you have no idea how to drive, which is probably why you ran in the first place.

At this point, what would you do: a) sit there and wait for the cop to come arrest you; b) grab your five month-old baby and make a run for it; or c) just say fuck it and make a run for it, never mind your five month-old baby rolling around on the back seat.

(A fourth option might include setting your five month-old baby on the curb somewhere, where it’s at least out of harm’s way, and then making a run for it. But I didn’t bother with a fourth option, because I figured it would only serve the purpose of confusing the issue. Besides, it’s not like this is a real test. Speaking of which, I hope I didn’t arouse the PTSD in any of you functional illiterates. Calm down. This isn’t high school. No one here cares that you can’t read.)

Larry Patterson, Jr. was recently in this position and chose option c), i.e. just say fuck it and make a run for it, never mind your five month-old baby rolling around on the back seat. Fortunately, the baby somehow managed to escape the incident without injury, probably because it’s black. A cop found it wedged between the backseat and the rear window, up by the cyclops. It’s father pulled an Ol’ Dirty and ran to the nearest McDonald’s, where he was arrested.

Of course Larry Patterson, getting a lot of shit for this. Oddly enough, I actually read about this the other day while I was taking a shit (or was I leaving a shit?)) at my parents’ house. There was a column about it by this guy Leonard Pitts, Jr., who’s like your typical black columnist for a local newspaper. He must be the very best of them though, because his shit gets syndicated in various newspapers across the country, including my own local fishwrap, which already has a token black guy.

According to this guy Pitts, Larry Patterson, Jr. is the worst piece of shit possible. Even more so than a rat.

As Pitts himself put it:

There are cretins, there are cowards, there are rats who walk like men. And then there is Larry Patterson, Jr.

And according to an Officer Kick Darkie Down (possibly not his real name) who was quoted in the column.

”As far as low on the totem pole,” he said, “this is about as low as you get. … I don’t care if you’ve got a driver’s license, I don’t care if you’ve got a warrant for murder, if you’ve got an infant child and especially if that child is related to you, you have an obligation to stop and make sure your child is OK.”


But I’m gonna go ahead and play the devil’s advocate Will Smith here and suggest that this kid made the best decision his 19 year-old, ecstasy-addled brain was capable of, and that I can even kinda see his reasoning.

First of all, the car wasn’t even stolen. If fit the description of a car that had been stolen, but it wasn’t even the one that had been stolen. It was registered in Larry Patterson, Jr.’s name. He probably bought the piece of shit so he could have a way to get back and forth to work, so he could keep his baby in Similac.

So not only do you a situation where the police in Florida are riding around looking for a motherfucking stolen Ford Taurus, but they were probably just pulling over any random black people they saw driving a Ford Taurus. If Larry Patterson, Jr. was white, this probably would have never been an issue.

Imagine how you would feel if you were a young black father desperately trying to do the right thing and take care of your kids, and the cops started following you just because you’re black. Also, you just so happen to be driving on a suspended license, and you’re “on paper” for some weed you had got caught with.

As egregious as the criminal justice system is in this country, I can hardly blame Larry Patterson, Jr. for taking off running. It was unfortunate he had to leave his baby sitting there like that, but what was he supposed to do, take off running with it? I’m not saying I definitely would’ve done the same thing, but then I like to think that I never would’ve been in that situation in the first place. What do you fruits think?

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  • Nizzy

    he should’ve made sure the baby was ok, and then took the fuck off without it

    • Bol

      That wasn’t one of your options.

  • INF

    He shoulda ate his baby like tyson then digest it and defacate it back into full form

  • DJ Daddy Mack

    I honestly have to say I agree with Bol. Cats my age don’t think on their feet well. They do not think about “what will happen if I do this or that?” I can’t blame the boy.

  • ATL = All Trannies Live

    LOL @ ” Fortunately, the baby somehow managed to escape the incident without injury, probably because it’s black”

  • smog

    damn i was hoping kick darkie down was his real name, i knew this girl named bita johnson that shit is funny, but anyway put your child in mother fucking child seat, that should be as common knoweldge as but a condom on your dick. WORD

    • ddubbzz

      LOL@ bita johnson

  • og bobby j

    he should have just chilled and mad sure the baby was aight. take his penalty like a g. his selfishness should warrant a bullet to his probably ugly mug.

  • Stan

    Cmon dog, to even suggest that just leaving that baby there and take off is absurd… Your reachin on this one homie… And I usually (key word) appreciate where your coming from… Dude shoulda man’d the fuck up and made sure that kid was okay…
    We On That Beantown Shit

  • Stan

    Hahahhahahh….. Bita Johnson

  • Marko-V

    O.K. this has nothing to do wit your post 4 today yet since it about something you read in a local paper can I just say that the Riverfront Times is a racist paper that only supports rock groups and Hip-Hop acts that nobody in the hood has ever heard of…EVER!

  • Hawaiian

    And according to an Officer Kick Darkie Down (possibly not his real name)


    shit brah, that was cold!

  • Your paretns don’t love you

    “And according to an Officer Kick Darkie Down (possibly not his real name)…”

    The joke is “Officer Keep Darkie Down” not kick.

    If you’re going to bite Bill Hicks at least get the quote right.

  • b-ease

    No harm, no foul…

  • Tyler

    On the real, I have lived around here on South Beach since 2000 and the cops around here are like the worst in the country for giving people of color shit so I am sure homeboy knew the deal when he saw them roll up. I mean 4 real dawg it’s like East L.A. out this motherfucker before Rodney King. A couple years back they arrested some defensive linemen from the Eagles for dancing in the street. Uh, he was in front of a club and they told him 2 stop dancing, he laughed and continued and they jack him up like he was a quarterback. They will get in your ass(no homo) for nothing, much less being black and having a whip. So from personal experience I don’t blame the dude for tryin’ 2 make like NASCAR. Fuck the police and Fuck that kid. I can find a hoodrat and make another one, just like him. That’s how hardcore these cops out here really are my dudes. And the jails are even more like hell than anything U fruits can imagine.

  • The Spaniard

    Who says he didn’t check on the kid anyway. Was the car on fire? The cops were obviously right there, in fact seconds, away. If you had to abandon your kid what could be a better option than Officer Friendly? I assume he looked in the back seat and the kid was chillin’. “alright shorty, I’m out.”

    “…but then I like to think that I never would’ve been in that situation in the first place.”



    Look at Hoe-G commenting on proper child care. Oh, the humanity.

    But anyway, I definitely wouldn’t run with the baby, because that’s way more dangerous to the child. What if the cops start shooting? He probably thought to himself, “Damn, shorty can’t run with me, so I gotta leave him. Puem!!”

    There is, of course, Option E:

    Crawl into the backseat with shorty and hold him when the cops run up with guns drawn. Don’t hold the baby out as a shield, but hold it close, so they won’t shoot. Word to Sean Bell, they might think the baby is an AK-47.

    Plus, this way, you won’t get in trouble for letting the baby roll around in the backseat all that time. It looks like you were there the whole time, and nobody was driving, so the crash makes sense.

  • Kane Corleone

    I was gonna say something but less is more …..,these young niggas do not have any guidance and i really aint talking about home training.Talking bout street training,Having your Big Homie spit real knowledge to you.Everything aint rap or hiphop lil homie this shit is called LIFE & DEATH ,real niggas,real bullets,real fucking jail time! Not gonna call him stupid he’s just misguided and tardy to the game.

  • TheUltimate

    Are we really trying to justify abandoning kids here? This is a damn shame. I don’t know where you’re going with this Bol. I hope you’re not stupid enough to splash up in some chick.

  • Lixet

    There are obviously no female readers or commentors on ur blogs bol.. Thats wrong! I woulda put a bullet in his a$$ if that was my baby in the backseat and that pu$$y a$$ nucca ran and left my seed in the back. Thats a note to ladies spreadin their legs to little dik little brain nuccas… poor baby..

  • Fletch

    You’re an idiot. To even suggest that what he did was not cowardly and ignorant is a travesty. First of all…don’t run from the cops for driving without a license…unless you’ve got other warrants…in which case sorry for ya. It’s like this….I don’t hate on anyone for doin what they gotta do. You wanna drive without a license?…cool. You wanna smoke weed?….cool. The thing is, we all know what laws are and if we choose to break them we have to be willing to pay the consequences. I usually don’t like your articles because you’re usually saying something ignorant, and it’s usually racist. I’m white and I’ve been harrassed by the police after having been profiled…it happens, it’s the price of living in an orderly society. The thing is that if you’re not doing anything wrong, and don’t start talkin’ shit…they say “Sorry for the mixup”, and they let you go about your business. You paint a picture of this guy as a victim of Whitey and that just isn’t very accurate…like most of your reporting. The man is spineless, and should be brought up on charges for child endangerment. I strongly question the integrity of anyone who believes otherwise. Elliot needs to take a look at his staff.

  • SurferDude

    Ha ha ha, thats the most random story I´ve ever heard, I sort of agree with u a lil bit, acid is one helluva drug, trust me lol.

  • EReal

    Co-Sign on Baby Shield.

  • stoneyisland

    THERE IS NO FUCKING JUSTIFICATION to put your baby in this position. I hope they lcok his dumb ass up. Bol for anybody to condone this shit is just fucking retarded and for you to cosign make me wish me and your moms had $450 back in the day to get that abortion……Fuck Larry and fuck you Bol. If you got warrants and dont have the balls to handle your bid, then in Gods name dont be going anywhere in Public with your seeds, leave them at home, with their mama, big mama, a babysitter, this dumb ass nigga had choices, he chose to leave his seed. Niggas in the joint are gonna be looking for this nigga……

  • Pierzy

    On the real, Florida has some crazy-ass cops. That female officer that dumped the person in the wheelchair was from the FLA too…

    • Afro1

      I for one can’t believe the level of ignorance, why ran if you haven’t done a thing. And regardless of careless minds, a real man would never leave his own son behind because of some lame excuse. When you decide to hop in a vehicle when you know you don’t have all your paperwork expect that something might possibly happen then don’t take off like you surprised “Fool”. If you really was a responsible individual you could of taken a walk or public transportation…instead of always blaming the system for your lack of responsibility.