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Free Larry Patterson, Jr.

Let’s say you were a 19 year-old hyphy rapist riding around in a Ford Taurus with your five month-old baby rolling around unrestrained on the back seat.

Then let’s say a police officer saw you, because your car fit the description of a car that’s recently been stolen, because I guess the police down in Florida (where you live) don’t have anything better to do than look for a motherfucking stolen Ford Taurus.

(Note: My grandma’s car used to get stolen all the time and the police would never find that shit, even though it was just parked outside some crackhead’s house in North St. Louis. I’ll take this as further proof that St. Louis is the gulliest city in the US.)

Then let’s say the police officer started following you, and you got nervous and sped off and ended up crashing your Tauntan into another car, because you have no driver’s license and you have no idea how to drive, which is probably why you ran in the first place.

At this point, what would you do: a) sit there and wait for the cop to come arrest you; b) grab your five month-old baby and make a run for it; or c) just say fuck it and make a run for it, never mind your five month-old baby rolling around on the back seat.

(A fourth option might include setting your five month-old baby on the curb somewhere, where it’s at least out of harm’s way, and then making a run for it. But I didn’t bother with a fourth option, because I figured it would only serve the purpose of confusing the issue. Besides, it’s not like this is a real test. Speaking of which, I hope I didn’t arouse the PTSD in any of you functional illiterates. Calm down. This isn’t high school. No one here cares that you can’t read.)

Larry Patterson, Jr. was recently in this position and chose option c), i.e. just say fuck it and make a run for it, never mind your five month-old baby rolling around on the back seat. Fortunately, the baby somehow managed to escape the incident without injury, probably because it’s black. A cop found it wedged between the backseat and the rear window, up by the cyclops. It’s father pulled an Ol’ Dirty and ran to the nearest McDonald’s, where he was arrested.

Of course Larry Patterson, getting a lot of shit for this. Oddly enough, I actually read about this the other day while I was taking a shit (or was I leaving a shit?)) at my parents’ house. There was a column about it by this guy Leonard Pitts, Jr., who’s like your typical black columnist for a local newspaper. He must be the very best of them though, because his shit gets syndicated in various newspapers across the country, including my own local fishwrap, which already has a token black guy.

According to this guy Pitts, Larry Patterson, Jr. is the worst piece of shit possible. Even more so than a rat.

As Pitts himself put it:

There are cretins, there are cowards, there are rats who walk like men. And then there is Larry Patterson, Jr.

And according to an Officer Kick Darkie Down (possibly not his real name) who was quoted in the column.

”As far as low on the totem pole,” he said, “this is about as low as you get. … I don’t care if you’ve got a driver’s license, I don’t care if you’ve got a warrant for murder, if you’ve got an infant child and especially if that child is related to you, you have an obligation to stop and make sure your child is OK.”


But I’m gonna go ahead and play the devil’s advocate Will Smith here and suggest that this kid made the best decision his 19 year-old, ecstasy-addled brain was capable of, and that I can even kinda see his reasoning.

First of all, the car wasn’t even stolen. If fit the description of a car that had been stolen, but it wasn’t even the one that had been stolen. It was registered in Larry Patterson, Jr.’s name. He probably bought the piece of shit so he could have a way to get back and forth to work, so he could keep his baby in Similac.

So not only do you a situation where the police in Florida are riding around looking for a motherfucking stolen Ford Taurus, but they were probably just pulling over any random black people they saw driving a Ford Taurus. If Larry Patterson, Jr. was white, this probably would have never been an issue.

Imagine how you would feel if you were a young black father desperately trying to do the right thing and take care of your kids, and the cops started following you just because you’re black. Also, you just so happen to be driving on a suspended license, and you’re “on paper” for some weed you had got caught with.

As egregious as the criminal justice system is in this country, I can hardly blame Larry Patterson, Jr. for taking off running. It was unfortunate he had to leave his baby sitting there like that, but what was he supposed to do, take off running with it? I’m not saying I definitely would’ve done the same thing, but then I like to think that I never would’ve been in that situation in the first place. What do you fruits think?

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