Flashing Lights: The Director’s Cut

I’m gonna keep it real with the Internets. Just now I was checking out World Star Hip Hop to see if there was any soft core pr0n I might could check out before I take my afternoon nap (never mind the fact that I just got a couple of hours ago) when I came across Kanye West’s new video for his song “Flashing Lights.”

Now, you guys know that I don’t find Kanye West to be a very good rapper, and I’d probably rather go at my own unit with one of those cheese shredders than listen to one of his albums. Furthermore, I find it especially difficult to listen to “Flashing Lights,” after seeing that video at AllHipHop where KRS-One explains why 50 Cent is more hip-hop than Kanye West.

But I’m a sucker for a good music video, having grown up in the golden age of MTV (why couldn’t time have just stopped the week “Mr. Jones” was a Buzz Clip?), and Kanye West seems to always put a lot of time and effort into his videos. Also, it’s not like I had shit else better to do.

So I ended up catching the video.

Sadly, “Flashing Lights” is an exception to the rule, as far as Kanye West putting any kind of thought or effort into his videos. Watching it, I can’t imagine they spent any more than a half an hour or so working on it. Literally. Unless you count the time it took them to drive out to the middle of the desert, in which case, okay, maybe two hours.

It actually reminds me of that movie The Brown Bunny, which obviously only exists as an excuse for Vincent Gallo to cop a blowski from Chloe Sevigny, and also to show off the size of his joint. (No homo.) Which, for what it’s worth, was a fucking brilliant idea. If I ever become a big-time Hollywood director, I’m so gonna pull the same shit.

If there’s an upside to “Flashing Lights,” it’s that, instead of what seems like an eternity of mofos riding around in the desert, there’s only like 10 seconds of that in the Kanye West video. Then it’s right to the good part.

Some tall modeling chick in her underwear and a fur coat gets out of the car, walks towards the camera, where you can see her better, and rids herself of the fur coat. Why? Presumably, so you can get a better look at her snatch, which is fuzzed out in the version I saw. (Crap!)

You do get a good look at her ass though, as she walks back towards the car, and… Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ! what an ass it is. Not only is it ridonkulously well-formed, but, to look at the way it moves, you get the idea that the whole purpose of the video in the first place is to get a shot of this woman’s ass in motion. It’s just that incredible.

Which of course begs the question: Just whose ass is this, anyway?

I’m assuming it wasn’t that broad Angel from a few months ago, whose new name ought to be chopped liver. Because I remember in that video of her Eye Candy shoot that they posted here, her shit was a lot more flabby and indented, like they might have found her at the Soft Touch, over on the East Side.

Also, again in the interest of keeping it real, I don’t recall Angel’s cans being that big. It’s hard to tell whether this girl’s cans are real or not, but, whatever they are, they’re fucking huge and jiggly, just the way I like ‘em. (My bad, if you didn’t need to know that about me.)

The video probably couldn’t help but be downhill from there, but the ending is still rather disappointing.

She pops open the trunk, and there’s Kanye West, bound and gagged, just like in my dreams. (Nullus.) She reaches in, pulls out a shovel, and, in what’s supposed to be a novel bit of film trickery, beats the shit out of him with it.

But it doesn’t really come off that way. They don’t show him in the trunk while she’s beating him, and you don’t think for a second that he might actually be in there. It would have been a lot more satisfying to me personally, if this actually was a video of a hot chick with huge cans beating the crap out of Kanye West in the middle of the desert.

Then, in my version of the video, she would hop back into the car, high tail it to Creve Coeur, MO., and make sweet passionate love to me right here in my mother’s basement.

THE END

  • http://nahright.com eskay
    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      Holy shit!

      • BIG O

        holy shit is right!!!the video was dumb as hell.but krs(as much as i have respect for him)was obviously on crack when he said 50 was more hip hop than kany.50 aint had shit that was hot since get rich or die trying.kanye is probably one of the 10 most all around talented people in hip hop right now.lyrically and on the boards

      • Dub Sac

        No shit holy shit!

        You can by panties she wore for $24.95!

  • Cinsere

    LOL!

    And yes…this video left me highly confused.

  • http://www.akirathedon.com AK

    I’ll excuse the fact that you failed to proof read the confusing start of your post by the end which made me piss myself.

    :@!

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      Actually, I didn’t proof read any of it. This shit just ended better than it began.

      • AJG Da Aviator

        BOL U IZ A FUCKIN TRIP(IDIOT) WHAT REASONS DO YOU HAVE TO HATE ON KANYE(I WONDER)RESPECT THE MANS HUSTLE AND HELL I DONT “INTERNET” BEEF, BUT WE ALL KNOW YOUR IN YOUR MOMS BASEMENT BLOGGING(WHICH WE LOVE SOMETIMES WHEN YOUR AZZ DOES A GOOD ONE)MASTURBATING AND EATING CORNCHIPS…….. OH THE GLORY

  • http://www.first.com First

    Why the Kanye hate? Dude is maddd talented, yo.

  • air force guy

    Hey Bol, I used to be stationed at Scott. Is the Pink Slip still open?

  • Kappa9

    HAHAHA………Imma need you to leave your moms basement.

    But I admit you are right about the video, it did have me like “HUH”.

  • stoneyisland

    Ok let me get my score card right..1st you hate on Jay-Z, then Lupe, Now Kanye is there any rapper you arent envious of? I mean is Burger King and Mcdonalds the only dudes who you like? Come on Bol put down the triple whopper and fries and get a grip, all your hate is eating your insides up, you fat, lonely, inbred fuck. Everybody knows Kanye is a douchebag but we keep that shit to ourselves:)

  • Colron

    The video is suppose to be an finished version. it helps to read everything on the page Bol. That was her verse, im sure Kanye does something fucked up in his next verse.

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      It didn’t say shit about this being unfinished at WSHH.

      In fact, it says “Official video for his single off Graduation.”

    • Colron

      “..UN-finished version.”

  • jay

    hey Bol,
    I used to be stationed at Scott, is the Pink slip still open?

  • moresickaMC

    Stupid video…and violent. Wonder if BET will play it(not that I watch BET)

  • master cheef

    pure comedy gold

    you are one funny son of a bitch

  • Trey Stone

    Bol, you may be a complete loser with godawful music taste, but i gotta admit this was kinda funny.

  • Chuck

    “do you fools listen to music, or do you just skim through it?”

    The song flashing lights is about Kanye getting caught cheating on his girlfriend by nosey papparazi (hence the title). In the hook dwele says “I never thought you would take it this far”.

    His girlfriend snapped on him for cheating, drove him to the desert and killed him. It’s not that hard to comprehend.

  • Tito Santana

    Da Backwudz(U gonna luv me)and (I dont like the look of it) are now Labratz. They’ve departed Dallas Austin’s label Rowdy Records to start there own(Royal Family Music) along with producer Sol Messiah(chamillionaire sound of revenge),(David Banner),(Goodie Mobb),(Dead Prez),(Nappy Roots).. Check da new video called (Creation) on YOUTUBE or myspace.com/thebackwudzmusic..Also they just released an album Independenly Via the internet called (Atlantis Rising) available on Amazon.com, Itunes.com, rhapsody.com, ect..
    To all up and coming artist much success and dont be afraid to put that extra grind in and go Independent!! It’s a new era… Everything resides on the Internet even Hiphop! Dont sleep on The Move ment!!Wake up…myspace.com\thelabratzmusic

  • Youngz

    Wait a sec, why u hatin on Kanye, I read a review of Graduation on your website (byroncrawford.com), and u wrote that the album wa ok. And that u really likes Flashing lights..Hmm maybe u just a “in the closet loving Kanye fan”

    And besides u love popmusic, kanye to me is pop…

  • Youngz

    http://www.byroncrawford.com/2007/09/kanye-west—gr.html#more

    yo, check this kink out, Bol aint a kanye haterm hes just frontin.

    he wrote this about Flashing Lights
    -”A masterstroke from West (nullus), both original and instantly catchy. More worryingly though is the following lyric: ‘I hate these niggaz more than the Nazis’. It seems my theory about Kanye’s twisted race (self) hatred could have credence.

    ANd he wrote this about the album

    “People expecting more chipmunk soul will be initially disappointed but he’s delivered a strong and original album. I do believe 50 Cent may be in trouble, especially considering that his new offering Curtis is a big old shit wrap.”

    A STRONG AND ORIGINAL ALBUM….
    Hmm doesnt sound like u hated it…
    LOL!

  • http://yahoo.com Knowledge

    u like the harold bloom of this rap shit nowadays. except u don’t have the credentials. if you don’t believe me do a lil research and check out his thoughts on harry potter and stephen king and you’ll see why i make that analogy.

  • Jstar

    I just saw Ye’s new video, and it is absolutely amazing, unique and visually stunning.

    It is a simple, yet high concept video. I will remember this video for years to come. So thankful that Ye is above the average coon step show that we see in these wack ass hip hop music videos — the standard props, y’all know the old low angle standards, the old yelling in the camera, the asses and more asses {Ye broke down in that respect}, jewels abundant in the mouth, et al. Thanks, KANYE and whomever directed it. Thanks for taking a leap, genius are rarely respected in their generation.
    J

  • http://www.xxlmag.com bol

    It’s true. Thank you Youngz I appreciate a true dickrider. Flashing Lights is like a low-budget thriller except the star gets beaten at the end lol.

  • Whobutme
  • HHS1982

    Bol, the chick’s name is Rita G… Google her (It’s a shame I’m into internet p0rn like that)

  • http://www.picturemedia.co.za I RUN THIS..

    Bol Bol Bol Bol Bol..lol..wtf
    dude, i cnt believe you get paid for this shit..

    Anyway Krs-One is a loser, he’s one of two people that i knw that still rock Dr Martens..the other one being you obviously..

    But on a serious note, iv never met anyone that has managed to convince me or read an article/blog(wateva) that can explain to me why Kanye is not hiphop..i personally believe that KANYE WEST IS BETTER THAN Krs-One..in everything, from music to something as simple addressing fans..evin adresing social issues.

  • Maddolies

    @ stoneyisland

    Umm Bol Has always hated Kanye..

    Annnyway Dat Video had me confused as hell..

    They Left a Verse out aswell.. Duz this mean there will be a part 2 or Is he gna do several videos like he did 4 Jesus Walks a few years back?

  • stoneyisland

    Maddolies says:

    @ stoneyisland

    Umm Bol Has always hated Kanye..

    Maddolies Bol hates everyone who is A) doing something positive, something he has no ability to do. B) anybody who has a girl friend and C)any time Burger king wont “GO LARGE” on his order:)

  • Fresh

    Ayo Bol the chick is the video is one bad chick named Rita G. She should be right up your alley I think she said one time she’s half black and half latina. Oh yeah she does have a nice ass and ridonkulously large cans.

  • http://www.myspace.com/crockerishiphop Crocker

    I give it a …..A 10!…..A 10!… A fucking TEN!!! (No Homos)

    • og bobby j

      i dont want your life…

  • Jerod

    Haha, Nice.

  • Geo

    I have mad respect for KRS, but he totally contradicted himself in that video. First he says 50 is more hip-hop than Kanye because his music is too “out there”. Then he says people should strive to make original music in hip-hop. 50 Cent is the fucking definition of cookie-cutter. His time is over, and guys like Kanye West are where hip-hop is going. I do agree that the talk about Versace, Goochi, etc. has got to go. That shit ain’t hip-hop.

    Oh, and BTW, you guys really gotta realize that Bol is just playing a lot of the time. I thought the sarcasm was pretty easy to see myself, but I’ve also been reading shit like this on the net for over 10 years.

  • SLINGbladez

    Yo, first off that was a good interview with him.I do disagree with him on the 50cent shit….I think if you want to talk good HIP-HOP than those are not two artist you want to involve in that conversation. I wish that dudes did traditional HIP-HOP still but they don’t. Maybe a few on the underground scene….As far as MC’s keeping real and hard-core like back in the days but with an upgraded formula than GZA is the man….I don’t care about the glitz and glam. I want to hear about the everyday normal shit even if you have a MILLION+ in the back….Tell about how you scooped a bag of treez and you were on your way to your homie’s house to blaze and a swine hock with a badge pulls you over for a broken tail-light and smells the dank coming from inside your whip….Or talk about your first born and how it made you feel…or how you will crush any wack emcee….I normally am not a fan of tradition, but in this case it’s the only still organic that you can really call HIP-HOP. Maybe it’s because I grew up during a conscience era of the culture….Maybe technology has ruined our music in a way….Look at record companies they don’t even want to fuck with you unless you do a dance or talk about how much jewlz you wearing….I don’t know and really at this point now I don’t care….I’m still going to be banging that raw guillatine street shit anyway, so It don’t matter….PEACE

  • Rapfan

    It’s a cool video. Kinda mysterious and dark, like a movie. Fine chick not only dancing and shaking her ass, but doing evil things with shovels.

  • Rapfan since 1989

    It’s a cool video. Kinda mysterious and dark, like a movie. Fine chick not only dancing and shaking her ass, but doing evil things with shovels.