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Soulja Boy Kill Ya’self

Someone ought to sit Soulja Boy down and explain to him that not only is the GZA a way better rapper than him, but that back when the Wu-Tang Clan was worth a shit, they were way more successful than he’ll ever be.

The thing is, Soulja Boy is probably not old enough to know any better. I checked Wikipedia and, come to find out, he wasn’t even born until the 1990s. So he isn’t even an ’80s baby, like the late, great Sickamore (and also, I suppose, myself). This little fucker is actually, like, the first of the ’90’s babies. Yikes!

Here’s hoping they aren’t all such idiots. (I bet the girls are gonna be hot, regardless!)

It would be like my not understanding that Michael Jackson is the King of Pop, never mind the fact that he’s a serial child rapist, because I was only a baby when Thriller was released. The difference, of course, being that I have the ability to read, and to tell from good music.

Soulja Boy, meanwhile? Not so much.

Since I was there anyway, I checked the (entirely unnecessary) page for his new joint “Yahhh!” and I see the part about how him and his boy Arab (who really is an Arab, though apparently he’s not that smart) failed the ninth grade twice before dropping out of high school.

The fact remains though: Soulja Boy failed the ninth grade twice, and was probably left with no other choice but to drop out of high school (or either go to a school for retarded kids) – probably because he can’t read. How else are you gonna fail the ninth grade not once, but twice?

Reading about this interview he did recently with Rhapsody, I see he wasn’t even aware of who the GZA was until recently, when his producer Mr. Collipark sat him down and explained it to him. This, too, would seem to support my theory that Soulja Boy’s real problem (er, at least one of them) is that he’s fucking illiterate.

Think about it: If this guy is Internets-savvy enough to tap out the beat for “Crank That” on a trial version of Fruity Loops, record a video of himself doing his sambo routine to it, and then upload it to YouTube, how come he couldn’t just type ‘GZA’ into Wikipedia and educate himself?

The guy’s obviously functionally illiterate. He’s like those people who work at McDonalds who can’t read the menu themselves, but fortunately there’s little pictures of each of the sandwiches on their keyboard. Or a Mexican who can build a house, but couldn’t speak a lick of ingles to save his life.

If he could read, he would see that his little bullshit album has only gone gold so far, while GZA’s Liquid Swords shipped gold, whatever that means. And it’s since gone platinum. Granted album sales these days are down across the board, but I’m pretty sure a shiteload of money is still a shiteload of money.

Furthermore, the GZA was a member of the Wu-Tang Clan, which fucking dominated back in the mid ’90s, selling millions and millions of records. As big as the Soulja Boy phenomenon is today, it’ll never be as big as the Wu was back then.

So why should the GZA feel jealous of Soulja Boy?

However, you have to wonder how some of these rappers coming up today don’t feel embarrassed by the fact that they fucking suck balls compared to some of these older guys. Never mind all that sales bullshit, Soulja Boy would get eaten alive in a battle by the GZA, who’s got to be into his 40s at this point.

My guess is that he does, and that that’s the real issue. 12 years after the fact, legions of cracka-ass crackas (and also Bol) are still willing to shell out to see the GZA rip joints from Liquid Swords. Soulja Boy, meanwhile, knows good and well no one’s gonna give a shit about him once he’s that age.

He’s like Fatlip in that movie What’s Up, Fatlip? (Except way less talented.) For his sake, he better hope this all doesn’t end with him receiving a blow job from a girl who’s actually a guy. Either way, I’d say he’s a fruit.

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