A triumvirate of dudes that the rap world wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire.

Rick Ross
“Hustlin’” is a classic. Undisputed. The production on Port of Miami was powerful. But dude is destined for a sophomore jinx and no one can stop it. First off, Trilla? Comparing it to Thriller? MJ’s Thriller? C’mon William. Someone should have deaded that in the marketing meeting. I’ll admit I like the “Speeding” video. It tickles me. But mostly because of Khaled and his funny “We the best officer” ass. Oh well, he’s got a Sauce cover coming. All is not lost, huh? Ha!

Pitbull
The fake Freeway Ricky’s fellow Floridian is more known for the hot babes in his vids than much else. Is he a rapper or a merengue singer? He’s got 4 albums. 4! How fast are them fuckin’ BPM’s? Is Lil Jon on every song? He’s a walking earache of mash-up styles who wears tight jeans. The Latin rap community deserves better. Big Pun is turning. Slowly.

Mike Jones
I already dubbed him the Coldest MC last summer but things are even worse for dude. After more delays than a post-Memorial day flight from Miami, the American Dream finally came out to zero fanfare. Instead of being a true second album, it was a cheaply packaged EP of Mike’s old hits and songs that were previously released from this album that didn’t hit. The saving grace is supposed to be the inclusion of some DVD that’s already aired on BET that I can’t bring myself to watch. Time is too precious for a man my age.

Supposedly all this is a warm-up to an album called The Voice of the Streets. Huh? The Voice of what? Bfred told me dude keeps putting up YouTube clips of himself doing mundane shit. Is that what the people want? That’s what’s going on in the streets? Plus, has anyone heard “Crunch-N-Munch” a song about consuming the product of the same name after massive weed consumption. I don’t make this stuff up kids. 281-330-8004? Nah. Someone please call 911!

Next Up: I’ll attempt to explain to Bow Wow why he quite possibly will never ever ever get any respect.