The best ass evar?

I doubt that there’s any man who isn’t an ass man at least in the sense that he prefers a woman with a large (-er), firm, well-shaped ass, to a woman with a flat, flabby, misshapen one; but I think the true test of whether a guy is an ass man or a [insert whatever quality you like best in a woman] man is the extent to which a man is willing to put up with, provided a woman has got it going on where it counts.

For example, many black men are willing to get with a broad who’s ridonkulously overweight, or who has problems generating a full, healthy head of hair (a scientist ought to look into whether these two tend to go hand in hand – they certainly seem to), as long as she’s got a huge ass. Where as I’m more of a breast man, in the sense that, I’ll admit: I’m willing to accept a woman with a certain number of “issues” as long as she’s got a nice set of cans.

Ideally, I would only bang broads who look the broads in the kind of pr0n I prefer, but who am I kidding? Regardless of how much a man accomplishes in his life, eventually he’s gonna have to settle. And suffice it to say that I haven’t accomplished much.

The reason I bring this up is because the other day I was in a Barnes and Noble making sure there weren’t any magazines worth copping this month, and I came across this month’s issue of XXL. I don’t generally check for the Eye Candy section (some of those broads are mad skanky – case in point), but I just so happened to land on that page. I took a long, hard look at this month’s photos, for research purposes, and it got me to thinking.

This month’s Eye Candy section is dedicated to a broad named Angel, who’s named the Eye Candy ho of the year for 2007, and looking at her pictures, it occurred to me that she might have the best ass of any of these video hoes evar. Never mind Buffie the Body, who’s got an ass like a Sherman tank. And I’m not even sure what Esther Baxter’s ass looks like, since I can’t stop staring at her boobs. (Priorities, people.) But I seriously doubt it’s as… um, bubblicious as Angel’s.

[Because they actually want you to pay for the magazine, XXL hasn't posted the very best photo from this shoot. Trust me, it's awesome. What they ought to do - and they can feel free to jack this idea and feel free to pretend as if they came up with it on their own - is publish an actual centerfold, like they do in Playboy. That way I can pull it out and pin it up on the wall in Mom's Basement. They don't even do that in KING, do they? The fuck?]

Interestingly enough, in the article accompanying the photos, we learn that there’s been some debate as to whether or not her body is real. For her part, Angel refuses to address these allegations on way or the other, supposedly because she enjoys the controversy. For the sake of journalism, I spent a few minutes study the video of her posted here the other day to see if I could tell what’s going on.

As far as her boobs are concerned, my guess is that they might be fakes, but really good fakes. In the video, you get a pretty good look at her underboob, so to speak, and there doesn’t appear to be any scars. But they do seem incredibly round and firm, even when she’s lying on her back. Even if they are real, you kinda wish they were a bit more average-looking, just so they’d look that much more “real.”

As far as her ass is concerned, I wasn’t aware that broads could get fake asses like that.  I mean, I’ve heard of ass implants, but I’ve never actually seen a naked women with ass implants that I was aware of. I’ve had my suspicions about Kim Kardashian, but her recent appearance in Playboy kinda deflated any interest I had in her at all. Literally. (Turns out she was just kinda chubby – not that I’d kick her out of my bed for crackers, I’m just saying.)

At the very least, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some high school graduation pictures-style “after touch” that went into these photos. In the pr0n that I’ve seen with girls who are similarly equipped, their asses are always kinda flabby and indented. In the video of Angel, you never get a very good look at her ass (um, why?), but in the few glances there are, it does seem flabbier than in the photos.

But, like I said, what are you gonna do?

  • Josh

    I too have spent some time studying that video. And needless to say, that shit is not as firm as it looks in the pictures.

    It made me very curious to see what it actually looked like in real life.

    And then I received an email message that gave me my chance.

    Ms. Lola Luv was going to be “hosting” (whatever that means) the Beanie Sigel album release party at Guest House.

    I’d like to say that I was planning on going to the party anyway to support Beans, but this was the added motivation I needed.

    For some strange reason, I had it in my head that if I saw that shit in person, I’d know once and for all how nice her ass really was.

    Besides, my people were telling me the night before that they had seen her at the Perfect Christmas premeir the night before and, not only was half her ass poking out of her jeans, but it looked ridiculous.

    I had to see for myself.

    So I get to the party around 11:30, and there’s like nobody there.

    I order a Jack on the rocks (and another and another), when finally I realize some hub-bub in the back of the club.

    That’s when I saw this half-way decent looking broad with a Burberry or some such hat on being swiftly brought to the back area of the club.

    I got a glimpse of the ass and really noticied just one thing: she had really scrawny legs.

    And it looked like she had a big pillow stuffed in her back pocket.

    That shit just looked un-natural.

    But I kinda liked it. A lot.

    I eventually got closer, talked to her for like 3 seconds, had a couple of photos snapped, but left the party really not knowing much else about this broad’s ass.

    Personally, I think she got some kinda ass injections.

    That shit is really out there and its relatively widespread.

    This chick my boy Ak used to date told me that she got some injections and was already noticing the difference. She said that you just can’t sit down for like 24 hours after getting the shots or the solution will make your ass mis-shapen.

    There was actually a 10 minute HBO short in Spanish (it was Latino History month or something) about the practice not too long ago.

    I caught it on Demand.

    I’ve seen many a ginormous ass in my day, but never on a chick with such skinny legs.

    Even girls with slim waists with big asses usually have thick legs.

    But I ain’t complaining.

    • JAY STONE

      What about big booty trannies that should be next!

    • Sandra

      Where did your homeboy ex girl go to get the butt injections?

  • King B

    I would fuck the shit out of her no lie

  • og bobby j

    Im still fucking wit Vida…thats a badd bitch. But, id smash…

    • Around and Around

      OG you’re not allowed to smash shit until you get health insurance for “Lil OG No-healthcare”

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  • Seriously

    wait – are we just figuring out that they airbrush the shit out of the eye candies?? um maybe that’s why her ass doesn’t normally look flabby in all those mags.

    if u want to see how they really look u check the video out cause u know xxl ain’t paying to airbrush the video.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    Hoe-G’s mom has a landfill ass:

    Wide, dirty, stank and full of all types of bacterial fungus.

    But at least it’s big.

  • barbarian at the gate

    Angel

    Take her like a beast!

  • DaRyder

    “And I’m not even sure what Esther Baxter’s ass looks like, since I can’t stop staring at her boobs. (Priorities, people.)”

    - Ha ha ha ha, yep thats important!

    I was also disappointed in the kim kardashian pictures, didnt live up to the hype…

    Mums basement, LOL!!!

  • Worley

    Angel got something I would have a hard time (pun intended) getting tired of. Got dayum..

  • Mr.Wang

    I mean even if Angel’s ass is fake you gotta love it. I and a bunch of other dudes would hit dat from the back regardless.

  • Og bobby J

    Yo underwear …why you mad son? Take a walk down to the clinic and bring your mother them cheetos like a good son. Its not her fault, if you dad was around, maybe the crack wouldnt be so important to her. Why dont you read her a book….or better yet, play her a song on your flute…fuckin band camp ass nigga. Are you composing some shit right now? Is that why you stay with my name in your mouth and my dick in your ass? Maybe if you put the fucking instruments down, you would be able to focus on your weak ass blog and/or comments and it would be a a little more difficult to ether you…just maybe tho

    Around, go eat some bean pies…fuckin farakhan ass nigga. you speak to me as if you matter…..If you keep this up, i might fuck your face you sweet candy ass nigga. I stay on your mind like you wanna fuck me….but this aint your family holiday party and I aint you uncle kenny.

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  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    That make believe shit you write, Hoe-G, is just that.

    I have no feelings about your fucksmanship. Your son still needs medical benefits, and you either (a) can’t afford them, or (b) don’t want a good job. Or (c), you just don’t care about your family. That’s real type right there.

    You’re a loser, Hoe-G. I don’t have to say shit. Composing? Yes I am, because I’m a genius. Plus my blog, even in it’s early state, bests anything you’ve ever done in your pathetic lifetime. Cheetos? Please.

    Me and Around are in full agreement on this. You need an intervention.

    • og bobby j

      @ Under
      Did you just call yourself a genius? Damn nigga, you got deeper self esteem issues then i thought. On the real, drumline ass nigga, why dont you go stomp the yard? Tell these cats about the flute…or deny it hoe. Your blog is a disgrace….you are a disgrace. You keep layin of this healthcare thing, when in reality, im paying more this year for your fathers incarceration then your blog “career” will ever earn you….

      Ohh, you mother doesnt like cheetos? She is dipsy doodles hoe? Tell that bitch to bring me some bean pies from Arounds mother…

      For your own safety, your weak bloggin career and your self esteem…get my dick out of your mouth unless you ready to suck

      Candyland ass nigga….

      Around – letting this britney speak for you like he is your daddy is doing more damage to your credibility then i ever could….you better check yourself and your stans

  • fastflipper

    vida guerra is the best!

    my favorite vivi

  • http://koolkidkulture.blogspot.com/ Koolkidkulture

    nip/tuck?
    the world may never know.

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  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    You need an intervention…You need an intervention…You need an intervention…

    Sing that like Aaliyah (RIP).

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    Case in point-Nigga you have lost your cotdamned mind that bitch is banging.As for that Angel chick, it dont look right legs are 2 fuckin skinny. Vida was tight then she pulled a jlo and let her booty get shaved.I see you “UN”.in Method Mans voice “GET’EM”

  • http://www.xxlmag.com lil’vina

    angel is not cute at all. i understand that guys like girls with a big ass but she looks fake. she couldn’t admit the fact that her boobs is fake cuz it is fake. vida admits she had her boobs done so why can’t angel just confess but likes the controversy? everything about her is fake and she’s knows it.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    Kane, these hoes don’t want NONE.

    Whuddup tho!

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    On the low, Hoe-G, you’ve obviously been reading my blog more than you’re prepared to admit here at XXL. Hell, you’re even checking my profile.

    You have all the facts, excluding this dewshery you’re purporting here in the comments section about me possibly being homo. Nolo.

    Your mother loves me and hates you, which is why you can’t develop fatherly responsibility for your own sickly son. But hey, at least you have a dream, bee-i-eeach. You’d rather see me thrashed than your seed fed.

    Damn, you’re a dewsh. Stop reading something you’ll never understand.

    You need an intervention.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    On the low, Hoe-G, you’ve obviously been reading my blog more than you’re prepared to admit here at XXL. Hell, you’re even checking my profile.

    You have all the facts, excluding this dewshery you’re purporting here in the comments section about me possibly being homo. Nolo.

    Your mother loves me and hates you, which is why you can’t develop fatherly responsibility for your own sickly son. But hey, at least you have a dream, bee-i-eeach. You’d rather see me thrashed than your seed fed.

    Damn, you’re a dewsh. Stop reading something you’ll never understand.

    You need an intervention.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    Wow…

    XXLMAG.com liked that so much they had to post it twice.

    You suck, Hoe-G. Get over yourself, and get a better family health-care plan.

    You’re a complete loser.

  • stoneyisland

    I’d take a average sista who can hook a steak up:) over one of these scandelous ass video/ magazine hoes. I mean I honestly cant respect any woman who makes her money showing off her ass and women wonder why men dont respect them……Why would I waste any energy pursuing one of these chickens when I already know what I am getting..There is no more anticipation in relationships anymore. you already know what the hoe looks like naked and any real woman saves her goodies for her man and ONLY her man not every 16 year old or convict beating their meat to her photo spread:) Biyaaaaaaaaaaaatch

  • halfNice

    I used to go out with this girl from the Sudan and she had this really huge ass (and scrawny legs). Isn’t Angel’s family originally from Sudan/Ethiopia or one of them places? Maybe it’s a thing they’ve got over there.

  • reefer

    i wonder if “UN” and “KANE” do this much dickhuggin in person

  • Horny Teen

    Her body is fake as shit, but nutting in her would still be more enjoyable than in the sock I nut in every night….just saying, fake or not, who cares, but it is fake as shit….Legs way too skinny to support the ass!!!

  • http://www.myspace.com/sinistahmoneybagz Sinistah aka Piffnardo Davincci

    i agree with Stoney Island on this one…. maybe it’s because i’m older and have been with the hood model/psuedo actress types in the past, but just give me a chick thats down to earth, ill in the kitchen, and obviously sexy enough not to second-guess, and that right there is already 3/4ths of what i need in my life, with the other 1/4th being a banging bedroom/head-game!!!

    yessir!!!!!!!!

  • paychexx

    real or fake i dont care i would put it down her.

  • minken fossheim

    Josh, you are a better writer than Bukowski.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    Hoe-G always takes a leave-of-absence when I e-slap his ass (nolo).

    Back to the subject…

    Angel knows she got that ass, even if it was bought instead of inherited from her mama. I can’t eff with a chick like that. Usually these types intend to pirate off the success of another man instead of starting their own enterprise. I don’t know her like that, but from the viral vids I’ve seen, she doesn’t seem that sharp…

    Let’s see how well Lola Luv does when XXL stops sponsoring her whoretry.

    But I’d still hit…

  • K-NyNe

    i’m a white man, from lebanese descant,and because of my complexion and origins,i have a lot of both,white and black friends. i can’t get that thing my white homies have for small,flat and child-looking ass (we cant even call it Booty) like Paris Hilton,lindsey lohan or Posh Spice have.their asses look like my 10 yrs old cuzzin’s dammit..whuss wrong wit ‘em for &*??&%# !? i even know black guys who dig these too..for my part,i’ve alwayz and will alwayz love a big ol’ round and brown or, at least a mid-size but basketball lookin booty like my fiancée has.i hate that trend about flat,small,child looking asses..i feel this encourages pedophiles lol. Long Live The Big Ol’ Round n Brown King. Either it looks like Mo’nique, or Robin V or Vanessa Blue, i’m down with it.

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