The most I’ll ever pay for Charles Shaw

[The other day, I got this email explaining that Kevin Powell from the first season of MTV's the Real World would be in town to raise money for his congressional campaign next year. I could give a rat's ass who runs for Congress here in St. Louis, let alone out in New York, but I figured it would be a good opportunity to try my hand at some Hunter S. Thompson-style campaign journalism. Below is my typically half-assed attempt.]

There must be more bums per capita in the U City Loop than there is anywhere else in the whole country. When I used to live down there, I used to get lunch at the Lee’s and the Taco Bell down on Skinker, and I used to get hit up like it was going out of style.

Before I actually lived down there, it was nothing for me to break a bum off with a dollar so he could go get himself a drink. That way, I could avoid listening to that whole spiel about how he works for a magazine run by the homeless. Plus, Lord knows I know how it is to need a drink and not have a whole lot of money. But once I started living down there, of course I had to dead that shit. I was going down there way too often, to cop a taco or whatever, to be making a donation each time. Those bums were just gonna have to go back to breaking into people’s cars for change, or learn some sort of useful skill.

Hence I wasn’t all that surprised when this bum hit me up on the way into this fundraiser for Kevin Powell, the guy from the first season of MTV’s The Real World, who’s running for Congress out in New York. This was one of those religious/cell phone bums. First he asked me to use my cell phone to call somebody, then he asked me whether or not I had ever read the Bible and whether or not I believe in God. To which I responded, “No,” and “No, I don’t.”

Then I went inside. There was this girl working the door, and she was like, “There’s the table, if you want to make a donation.” I didn’t, so I walked right past it, to the bar and the bar and the hors d’oeuvres. I hit up the crackers and salami, and the gouda and some other cheeses. Then I hit up the bar, which was serving sparkling water or your choice of either red or white whine. It was Charles Shaw aka Two Buck Chuck, but whatever. I happen to like Two Buck Chuck. Nullus. It doesn’t even give me a hangover – probably because it’s not real wine. And I would have felt worse about not paying if it was anything that was actually worth a shit.

But as soon as I hit up the bar, this other chick came up to me and explained that if I wasn’t sure what I wanted to donate, I should still fill out a donors form. So I was like whatever. It wasn’t so much a matter of me being unsure of what I wanted to donate, but I figured I already ate and drank. The least I could do was fill out a form. So I filled out a form, but still didn’t actually donate anything. Then I hovered around the food and drink for a few more minutes, until the man of the evening arrived. Nullus?

And then there he was. Kevin Powell is a bit doughier in the face than he was back when was on the Real World, but otherwise he looks mad young for a guy who’s in his 40s. Nullus. He was holding court with some older white chicks who looked like the kind of older white chicks who donate money to all sorts of shit, in order to feel important. So I went over and listened in for a bit. They were talking about the ’08 presidential election. He didn’t seem to have a horse in the race, so to speak, but he seemed adamant that a Democrat get in the White House.

It was at this point that a third chick came up to me looking for some money. She was nice and light-skinted, and had on a stripper-ish skirt and heels. The part of me that’s spent a lot of time over on the East Side suddenly felt compelled to reach into my pocket and pull out a wad. I peeled off a twenty and was like, “Fine, damnit.” I explained to the girl, and whoever else was in earshot (the Chuck was starting to set in), that I was down there as a journalist, and I didn’t think journalists had to bust out a twenty every a politician was in the room. But clearly I was mistaken!

I explained to Kevin that I was a hip-hop writer working “primarily” on the Internets. He claimed he had seen my byline before once or twice, which I took as typical writer-to-writer BS, since I don’t have a “byline” so to speak. But then he started talking about how a lot of the shit you see on the Internets is pretty random, and would never fly in a real magazine with fact-checkers and advertisers to kow tow to and what have you. Which I took to mean that maybe was familiar with my work, and that was his nice, politician way of saying, “I think you bloggers are full of shit.”

After about an hour of him standing around and bullshitting with people, we all shifted into another room for a sort of stump speech. It was extra vague, in the way these things always are. In general, Kevin Powell is for things are good and against things that are bad. He’s like Barack Obama, and he even has similar ears. He made it a point to emphasize that he was raised by a single mother and that he grew up in poverty, and in general he made Jersey City, New Jersey sound like Appalachia. None of this shit was particularly relevant to me personally, but I’m assuming the part of New York in which he’s running for Congress must be a really shitty area.

Being a liberal political event, of course the room was filled with aggrieved minority types with their own sets of pet issues. As soon as the floor was opened to Q&A, this girl with a short, guy-ish haircut and a stern visage (feel free to draw your own conclusions) shot her hand up and asked him about some story he wrote about how we need to stop beating up women. He took this as a cue to launch into a lengthy, obviously well-rehearsed spiel about how men are evil and how we need to start acting more like women.

I thought it was especially amusing that he felt it necessary to mention that he himself was known to lay hands on a broad between the years of 1987 and 1991, with extra emphasis on the fact that this all took place in that time frame. But I guess he felt that was part of “owning” his mistakes. Lord knows I’m not about to give a speech about some of the shit I’ve done over the past five years. I guess that makes him a better man than I am, even though I’ve yet to beat up any women.

There were a few other writers in the room, and even though none of them will ever be as prominent as I was three years ago, I did feel kinda self-conscious about the fact that they all had notebooks with them, and I didn’t think to bring so much as a pen. I’ll know next time, if only so that I appear serious about what it is that I do. I ran into this kid named Caveh (sp?), who was carrying what’s known as a moleskin notebook. The shit was mad slick-looking, and apparently it’ll only run you about $5, so I’ll probably pick one of those up pretty soon.

This kid also managed to snag a couple of bottles of the Charles Shaw, and he let me have one on the way out. So that was cool. Between that, and the amount of wine and cheese I scarfed down during the meet and greet session, I figured I was really only out about $ 15. Maybe as little as $12. And I figured that of all the candidates you could donate $12 to, Kevin Powell wasn’t half that bad. I don’t have any allusions about him changing the world, but, at the very least, it might be cool to have someone from the hip-hop community, let alone, MTV’s The Real World, in Congress.

  • jonesy

    first

  • http://www.myspace.com/meanassmo Marvelous Mo

    If you were serious about your writing, the first thing you would have grabbed before you wabbled out the door would have been a pad and pen. Even if you were throwing Kevin under the bus, you would have still took notations throughout the event to keep track of the fuckery you were witnessing. which explains why your fat ass went straight to the food and liquor [Lupe pun intentional].

    However, what Kevin fails to acknowledge is the power of the internet. BS or not, bloggers influence people of all ages and races. Sure it is heavily opinionated, but it sparks a discussion [if you're lucky, an intelligent one] about what was written.

    You both are losers: Him for sleeping on the minds of online writers & you for not taking your talent seriously.

  • wild

    this was alright but i don’t want this jig running anything in NY. this jig will have this shit fucked up. a jig from a reality show scares me hell a jigaboo runnin anything scares me (check jay-z, p.diddy, elliot wilson)
    oh yeah first bitches

    • Alex

      Wow another racist shit face who supports Uncle Rawkus, why am I not surprised.

  • Malcolm

    I’m sick of leftist politicians always kowtowing to feminists – people are way too accepting of these delusional morons. You should have challenged him Bol, or at least got him to say something stupid.

  • thoreauly77

    bol- if you are going to do some gonzo journalism, go gonzo man. this was a fantastic opportunity for you to go apeshit and actually have a political discussion, which we all know youre crazy about, yet you seemed to have completely wasted the opportunity. add to that the fact that youre grammar and spelling errors enter into the double digits, you have a poorly written and generally boring piece. at the very least you could have asked him about what julie’s been up to.

    • http://www.myspace.com/meanassmo Marvelous Mo

      thoreauly77 says:

      bol- if you are going to do some gonzo journalism, go gonzo man. this was a fantastic opportunity for you to go apeshit and actually have a political discussion, which we all know youre crazy about, yet you seemed to have completely wasted the opportunity. add to that the fact that youre grammar and spelling errors enter into the double digits, you have a poorly written and generally boring piece. at the very least you could have asked him about what julie’s been up to.
      __________________________________

      *light bulb*
      You know what….I remember when Bol did that interview and it was done on video. He looked like he lacked social skills up the ass. I am only going to assume this is the reason why he couldn’t do a verbal spar with Kevin instead of retreating to his keyboard and typing it up on a website.

      Bol the online blogger is definately not as strong as Byron the re re that works at whitecastle or wal-mart…or whever he works.

  • Tyler

    Hey BoL, thanks. . 4 a whole lot of nothing bro. Goodlookin’ on ‘dat cuz. 1Eazy

  • these posts are racist

    >>>>”I don’t have any allusions about him changing the world…”

    No one person can “change the world”. It is a collective effort. A president or powerful senator can impact the world, but certainly not a congressman. You too can help change the world by actually saying something of substance (ironically you criticize Powell for making empty cliche statements) as opposed to simply always going against what you precieve to be “PC”.

    Byron, if you could “change the world”, how would you do so?

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      Well obviously I’d start by ridding the world of Islamic fascism.

      • AJ

        Bol you really do suck

  • Jason Murk

    I agree with both of you. Here is that Bol interview…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWOQRw-iHos

  • Jason Murk

    GO TO THIS LINK TO SEE THE BOL INTERVIEW!!!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWOQRw-iHos

    AFTER SEEING THIS SHIT, YOU WILL ALL AGREE THAT BOL SHOULD HAVE HIS LICENSE TO TALK ABOUT ALL THINGS HIP HOP REVOKED!!!

  • these posts are racist

    >>>>>”Well obviously I’d start by ridding the world of Islamic fascism.”

    Byron, I see you have not lost your swagger. And by swagger I mean bigoted catch phrases.

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  • Around and Around

    I heard Eric Nease is going to be his cheif of staff. Bol was prob. 10 when that guy was on the real world

    • these posts are racist

      Ha! Is Eric the guy who used to host MTV Grind? That’s hysterical.

  • http://xxlmag.com Bol

    Is anyone else suddenly reminded of that Dolly Parton movie where the secretaries decided to team up on the boss?

  • these posts are racist

    Is anyone else always reminded of Fox News when Byron uses empty bigoted catch phrases instead of constructive analysis?

    Why don’t you try to analyze the Middle East on a real level instead of summing it up in one racist sentence?

  • http://www.cocaineblunts.com/ noz

    This was a great post, Bol. You should leave your mom’s basement more often.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    I actually interviewed Kevin Powell a few months ago for a story that I never sold. It’s still in the think tank.

    He’s a pretty good dude. I think he deserves every bit of chance that Obama’s getting right now. We’ve seen his backbone dealing with race issues, yet he has been careful enough to not do anything as radical as his outdoor argument with my white Alabama sister back in Season 1.

    Good post.

    • Around and Around

      “I actually interviewed Kevin Powell a few months ago”

      Funny, I doubt anyone really gives a shit

      -For Kevin Powell insert Underwears stuffed teddy bear.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    It seems like TPAR and The Prick Ticklers are back on tour together.

    I’m reminded of Queen. With a shot of The Village People. Covering “It’s Raining Men.”

  • og bobby j

    Hey TPAR, I think can analyze the Middle east a little better. It is basically:
    - a bunch of retarded fools arguing over who god gave the land to first
    - sleeping in caves
    -long beards
    -smelly woman
    -people with little to no food who continue to live in deserts and wonder why they are starving
    - sand
    - wondering which market will explode today
    -depriving woman of any rights
    Thats the middle east in a nutshell. If it wasnt for the oil there would be no purpose for that land or those who occupy it. Funny thing is that clowns like you love the middle east so much but know everything I said above is fact…thats why your love of the land does not out way your desire to stay the fuck away from it. its a waste of earth

    • Around and Around

      Wow anyone else amazed this guy doesn’t have healthcare?

  • drydock

    Bol’s criticisms of Islam are as Christopher Hitchens said of Oriana Fallaci “an example of how not to criticize Islam.”

    That said, Hitchens makes a defense of the term “Islamo-fascism” here: http://www.slate.com/id/2176389/

    an excerpt:
    Does Bin Ladenism or Salafism or whatever we agree to call it have anything in common with fascism?

    I think yes. The most obvious points of comparison would be these: Both movements are based on a cult of murderous violence that exalts death and destruction and despises the life of the mind. (”Death to the intellect! Long live death!” as Gen. Francisco Franco’s sidekick Gonzalo Queipo de Llano so pithily phrased it.) Both are hostile to modernity (except when it comes to the pursuit of weapons), and both are bitterly nostalgic for past empires and lost glories. Both are obsessed with real and imagined “humiliations” and thirsty for revenge. Both are chronically infected with the toxin of anti-Jewish paranoia (interestingly, also, with its milder cousin, anti-Freemason paranoia). Both are inclined to leader worship and to the exclusive stress on the power of one great book. Both have a strong commitment to sexual repression—especially to the repression of any sexual “deviance”—and to its counterparts the subordination of the female and contempt for the feminine. Both despise art and literature as symptoms of degeneracy and decadence; both burn books and destroy museums and treasures.

  • these posts are racist

    It seems not much has changes since I have’t posted here.

    BOL still spits empty racist one liners.
    Underwriter is still an internet obsessed stalker.

    And OG Bobby J still hasn’t taken his son to the medical clinic since he was racially discriminated against, for being white.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    Around… (sigh)

    You’ve never done anything in your life worthy of giving yourself a shout-out. Don’t be mad because some of us get paid to play with computers, and others of you would rather play house with a gang of lost boys and a Sam’s Club can of pickles.

    You’re the biggest loser in the world. Everybody can agree on this.

    I hope all the bad things in life happen to you, and nobody else but yooouu.

    • Around and Around

      Here’s the difference btw me & you joke, I’m at work now, this is the only time I post becauase it passes time. You on the other hand post at 4pm 4am 1am and 1pm so TPAR is right you are an obsessed blog stalker….your post the other day to C. Gabi solidified you as a bitch, it’s okay you ain’t on the DL anymore you’ve come out, break out the rainbows and the Toyota Prius…..Oh and don’t go outside today, they’re gay bashing.

  • these posts are racist

    Underwriter,

    You are a pshycho obsessed stalker. By definition, that is the biggest loser in the world.

  • http://hiphopremix.com/content/view/1010/28/ iFux aka Etheraldinho

    As soon as the floor was opened to Q&A, this girl with a short, guy-ish haircut and a stern visage (feel free to draw your own conclusions)

    ^^ WOW I know those types she must have been a real looker *straight ass face*

    Bol-Weevil good job homie you went on in on this homie….*daps*

  • og bobby j

    anyone else suprised that around takes dick?

    TPAR where u been…were u busy smackin woman for unveiling there face? Isnt it almost time to kneel towards mecca? Your a fuckin punk…hoe ass nigga…go fetch me some bean pies

  • drydock

    Bol’s criticisms of Islam are as Christopher Hitchens said about Oriana Fallaci “an example of how not to criticize Islam.”

    That said Hitchens makes a defense of the term “Islamo-fascism” here: http://www.slate.com/id/2176389/

    an excerpt:
    Does Bin Ladenism or Salafism or whatever we agree to call it have anything in common with fascism?

    I think yes. The most obvious points of comparison would be these: Both movements are based on a cult of murderous violence that exalts death and destruction and despises the life of the mind. (”Death to the intellect! Long live death!” as Gen. Francisco Franco’s sidekick Gonzalo Queipo de Llano so pithily phrased it.) Both are hostile to modernity (except when it comes to the pursuit of weapons), and both are bitterly nostalgic for past empires and lost glories. Both are obsessed with real and imagined “humiliations” and thirsty for revenge. Both are chronically infected with the toxin of anti-Jewish paranoia (interestingly, also, with its milder cousin, anti-Freemason paranoia). Both are inclined to leader worship and to the exclusive stress on the power of one great book. Both have a strong commitment to sexual repression—especially to the repression of any sexual “deviance”—and to its counterparts the subordination of the female and contempt for the feminine. Both despise art and literature as symptoms of degeneracy and decadence; both burn books and destroy museums and treasures.

    • Around and Around

      Drydock, the first of these words of that bitch Hitchins says it all “I think” it’s a fucking opinion of some bitch.

      News flash it’s been estimated that the American invasion has led to over 1 milion deaths in Iraq, who the fuck is the ‘cult of murderous violence that exalts death’?

      Eat a dick.

  • these posts are racist

    OG Bobby J,

    I’m happy to see you missed me. I was busy providing free medical services to white people who were discriminated against by the system.

    I hope your little one is doing well.

  • og bobby j

    thank you…he is doing better then your cousins with the bombs on thier chest. Are you warming those bean pies up? Could you bring me some halal meat on your way to the mosque? hoe ass

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    og bitchmade says “Your a fuckin punk…hoe ass nigga…go fetch me some bean pies” What lil bitch know damn well you is a Kerr ass nigga remove yo screen name sidebuster !! UNDERWRITER says “I’m reminded of Queen. With a shot of The Village People. Covering “It’s Raining Men.” Cuz that shit was funny im still laughin

  • breakfast with no hog

    >>Byron, if you could “change the world”, how >>would you do so?

    This is the softest ever comment on XXL. You call him Byron like you were lying in bed next to him…what’s with that?

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    TPAR, you’re the Best Loser Alive. Even if you two have jobs, their either in the form of “hand” or “blow”. You two stick up for each other just like… well, “friendlies”.

    In real life, you’d be honored to even shake my hand.

    Here, you get to use words like “stalker”, as if you aren’t hopelessly wasting time here trying to stop a major website with constant bullshit propaganda.

    TPAR and Around’s new nicknames are the Beach Boys. In other words, you two are washed up like J.R. Rider and Harold Miner. Get your own dick. Why you ridin’ minez?

    Better idea:
    Get a blog. Stop wasting time trying to be internet famous off other’s ideas. And tell your girl, nana and Mom I said have my fucking money and get my pool in the back.

    Hoes.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    JIHAD BALLOUT says:

    tpar lost and will continue to win for losing – forever.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    Yo Corleone, ain’t these some beach-made niggas?

    Why the hell does Around ALWAYS take up for tpar? It must be the gay head.

    Nolo.

    My whole point with these clowns is that it would take half the hate effort they put forth here, disturbing the debate, to just start their own effing blogs. But they’re really stupid, no matter what massa says about them at their day jobs.

    You know what else, tpar? I would actually read your blog if you ever stopped fiddling your pecker and started using that *alleged* Ivy League degree to invest in ownership.

    You and your boyfriend Around are soooo beneath my cleats. He’s even checking to see what time I post out chea:

    “You on the other hand post at 4pm 4am 1am and 1pm so TPAR is right you are an obsessed blog stalker….your post the other day to C. Gabi solidified you as a bitch”

    Way to have a life, Around. For the record, I don’t know and don’t give a fuck what time you post. I only respond to your bullshit when I have time, which as you see is random.

    “She ain’t got no money in the bank…”

    • Around and Around

      Notice he didn’t refute his coming out party?

  • Ms. Stylistic

    Charles Shaw IS real wine, just VERY VERY cheap meaning inexpensive….try Trader Joes @ Union Square, was just there yesterday. Can’t beat it!

  • http://laidbackinthecutcoldlamping.blogspot.com/ Randy Watson

    Good post

  • Buck O’neil

    Yo this underwriter nigga sounds like a 14 year old drama queen. Look nigga go over to seventeen magazine or something, all you do is bitch on your posts.

  • http://xxlmag.com kane corleone

    you killin em cuz ,that shit is still funny i just reread the post. whats that word they always use EEEETTTHHHEEERRR

  • Blacksmith

    Seriously TPAR, do you have a job?
    U are attacking th blogs lika a mad man (its sort of entertaining, but still)
    Im so tired of your leftwing, michael moore propaganda…get a life!!

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    Look Buck…

    You neither matter or exist. Don’t even talk to me.

    I sound like your father, and you sound like a bitch.

  • JAYSTONE

    @UNDERPANTS,
    eat a dick you loser.Thats while nobody is checking your shitty website.you broke ass blogger should come and trim my moms garden for me.

    @og bobby j
    whiteboy you wish you was black but motherfucker you aint black.you listern to black music,eat black food,watch black movies,talk and act black and come to a black website thinking that will make you black huh.yet you hate blacks and all race in this earth except your own.you racist son of a bitch.GTFOH to rolling stone!!!!!

  • JAYSTONE

    @OG BOBBY J
    I love fucking white sluts in the ass! 100 years of slavery in every cum shot! Bet you racist white fucker never thought it would come to this huh? TAKE THIS BIG BLACK NIGGER DICK! I break these white hoes off proper cuz there lil dick White husbands can’t do it for them.

    WHITE GIRLS LOVE BLACK MEAT!! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!!

    Aight you lil dick ass crackers! I’m out