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The King Has No Drawls On…

Yo for real, it’s good to be back in the building. I was on some writer’s guild strike shit until my supervisor reminded me that there’s a signed contract with my real name on it that says I’m supposed to be a professional. The truth is that I love that I get to build and destroy with motherfuckers like y’all from all over the globe on some worldwide rap cipher shit. Just like them niggas at RapSpace, but not as wack. It’s an honor to have a column on this bitch despite whatever internal politricks exist behind the scenes. That being said and soon forgotten my only request is that I could get a copy of XXL and King mailed to me so that I can save myself the $8 bucks. Weed in NYC just got more expensive. I blame Osama.

Did any of y’all peep that video T.I. produced of himself while in his home wearing a bathrobe with no drawls on? [ll] to that recollection, of course. Isn’t this the same cat whose inner circle was blaming the blogging photographer Sandra Rose for making him look bad publicly? Southern rappers live on an alternate plane of reality for real though. Lil’ Wang lives an alternative lifestyle in an alternate reality, so he might actually be causing a ripple in the time-space continuum. That’s tomorrow’s drop. Today’s shit is about T.I. Probably the most gifted rapper in Atlanta, if the entire Dungeon Family were frozen in ice, on another galaxy.

Still and all, T.I. makes catchy songs that thankfully don’t fall into the category of ringtone rap. I give him credit for that. Songs about shiny car wheels aren’t that inspiring to me, but I recognize that for most people from the south going to the car wash and then posting up in the mall’s parking lot are pretty much the best things that one can hope for so at least T.I. keeps his content anthemic for his demographic. No wonder the Feds were able to pinch him in a parking lot. I wonder how much rude boy shit goes down in the parking lots of the south? I’m not even talking about a Wal-Mart parking lot either, but those parking lots that are in front of the one-story strip mall of stores hosting the check-cashing joint, the fugazi arab jewelry store, the nail salon and the spot that sells the hot wings?

So T.I. produces this video to proclaim his innocence and to also alert us that he is working on new material. Cool and smart of him. A house arrest press conference. So why is ol’ boy nekkid [ll]? Tip just told us in the Complex Magazine interview with ‘Ye Tudda that he has over a million dollars worth of clothes in his possession. A bathrobe and a du-rag is not representative of that amount, even if the robe was Dries Van Noten or whatever fancy shit the rappers today consume. Put on a fucking sportsjacket. For crissakes put on an effing sweater vest. If you can only go outside to pick up your newspaper off the driveway do it classy. In this way the viewers understand that YOU understand the complexity of your situation. You would never see Frank Sinatra allow himself to be misrepresented on his own accord. [ll] on the cigar shit too playboy. Heed the advice of George Carlin, “cigars look like brown dicks and that’s why white men love to put them on their lips.”

True story is that despite my wisecracks I’m actually pulling for T.I. to come through this shit. He was lined up perfectly to be the Hip-Hop representative for Nascar. He had the Chevrolet commercials on and popping almost making an Impala a car worth buying again. Lord knows how badly Detroit needs General Motors to sell a few of those bullshit Magnums. While capitalism vis-a-vis the prison industrial complex needs rappers to act like criminals in music videos in order to influence younger viewers to imitate their role models, corporations need rappers to stay out of trouble in real life to continue the process of giving goods and services lifestyle branding. Why can’t T.I. be more like 50 Cent? Fifty uses Tony Yayo and other assorted weedcarriers to wreak all kinds of havoc on the streets while he is busy making motion pictures. Albeit, some of which are so shitty they are released directly to video.

Memo to T.I.: Ditch the bathrobe and the cigars. Even if this whole situation was a setup by your bodyguard, the less media you release living the ‘gangsta’ lifestyle the better. The word ‘show’ is only half as long as the word ‘business’

*F.Y.I. For all of you humps in the cRap Music Fantasy League… T.I. scored points on his two American Music Awards and his community service free turkey giveaway. No points for the nekkid news conference video though.

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