The King Has No Drawls On…

Yo for real, it’s good to be back in the building. I was on some writer’s guild strike shit until my supervisor reminded me that there’s a signed contract with my real name on it that says I’m supposed to be a professional. The truth is that I love that I get to build and destroy with motherfuckers like y’all from all over the globe on some worldwide rap cipher shit. Just like them niggas at RapSpace, but not as wack. It’s an honor to have a column on this bitch despite whatever internal politricks exist behind the scenes. That being said and soon forgotten my only request is that I could get a copy of XXL and King mailed to me so that I can save myself the $8 bucks. Weed in NYC just got more expensive. I blame Osama.

Did any of y’all peep that video T.I. produced of himself while in his home wearing a bathrobe with no drawls on? [ll] to that recollection, of course. Isn’t this the same cat whose inner circle was blaming the blogging photographer Sandra Rose for making him look bad publicly? Southern rappers live on an alternate plane of reality for real though. Lil’ Wang lives an alternative lifestyle in an alternate reality, so he might actually be causing a ripple in the time-space continuum. That’s tomorrow’s drop. Today’s shit is about T.I. Probably the most gifted rapper in Atlanta, if the entire Dungeon Family were frozen in ice, on another galaxy.

Still and all, T.I. makes catchy songs that thankfully don’t fall into the category of ringtone rap. I give him credit for that. Songs about shiny car wheels aren’t that inspiring to me, but I recognize that for most people from the south going to the car wash and then posting up in the mall’s parking lot are pretty much the best things that one can hope for so at least T.I. keeps his content anthemic for his demographic. No wonder the Feds were able to pinch him in a parking lot. I wonder how much rude boy shit goes down in the parking lots of the south? I’m not even talking about a Wal-Mart parking lot either, but those parking lots that are in front of the one-story strip mall of stores hosting the check-cashing joint, the fugazi arab jewelry store, the nail salon and the spot that sells the hot wings?

So T.I. produces this video to proclaim his innocence and to also alert us that he is working on new material. Cool and smart of him. A house arrest press conference. So why is ol’ boy nekkid [ll]? Tip just told us in the Complex Magazine interview with ‘Ye Tudda that he has over a million dollars worth of clothes in his possession. A bathrobe and a du-rag is not representative of that amount, even if the robe was Dries Van Noten or whatever fancy shit the rappers today consume. Put on a fucking sportsjacket. For crissakes put on an effing sweater vest. If you can only go outside to pick up your newspaper off the driveway do it classy. In this way the viewers understand that YOU understand the complexity of your situation. You would never see Frank Sinatra allow himself to be misrepresented on his own accord. [ll] on the cigar shit too playboy. Heed the advice of George Carlin, “cigars look like brown dicks and that’s why white men love to put them on their lips.”

True story is that despite my wisecracks I’m actually pulling for T.I. to come through this shit. He was lined up perfectly to be the Hip-Hop representative for Nascar. He had the Chevrolet commercials on and popping almost making an Impala a car worth buying again. Lord knows how badly Detroit needs General Motors to sell a few of those bullshit Magnums. While capitalism vis-a-vis the prison industrial complex needs rappers to act like criminals in music videos in order to influence younger viewers to imitate their role models, corporations need rappers to stay out of trouble in real life to continue the process of giving goods and services lifestyle branding. Why can’t T.I. be more like 50 Cent? Fifty uses Tony Yayo and other assorted weedcarriers to wreak all kinds of havoc on the streets while he is busy making motion pictures. Albeit, some of which are so shitty they are released directly to video.

Memo to T.I.: Ditch the bathrobe and the cigars. Even if this whole situation was a setup by your bodyguard, the less media you release living the ‘gangsta’ lifestyle the better. The word ‘show’ is only half as long as the word ‘business’

*F.Y.I. For all of you humps in the cRap Music Fantasy League… T.I. scored points on his two American Music Awards and his community service free turkey giveaway. No points for the nekkid news conference video though.

  • Rizzop

    “cigars look like brown dicks and that’s why white men love to put them on their lips.”

    Pure Comedy
    And Scarface > T.I>

  • http://stafon.skyrock.com DJ Dee

    that’s what’s up. i definitely agree with that. it’s about your appearance. no matter who you are, you have to represent yourself well because you represent a lot of other people too.

  • N.O. 4 life

    lol…at this entire post…you do make a good point though…you gotta be aware of ALL of the people that are watching…cuz the streets arent the only things watching

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    Great look on the Dungeon Fam shout.

    Nothing has come along to challenge Rico, Pat, Ray, Dre, Big Boi, Cee-Lo, Khujo, Big Gipp, T-Mo, Witchdoctor, Cool Breeze and all the rest of ‘em since they first came around in the early ’90s.

    UNDERWRITER FACTS:

    I remember when K.P brought T.I. into the office of
    GOLDFINGER
    , one year before I’m Serious was released. He was officially known as TIP back then. Remember, he was first signed to LaFace, then when L.A. Reid took over Clive Davis’ post at Arista, around 2000, he became an Arista artist. But Arista had no idea how to market him, plus they already had Q-Tip. This is the real reason why TIP became “T.I.”

    Keep in mind that I don’t care whether The Beach Boys believe me or not.

    Anyway…

    T.I. successfully filled the void left by D.F. and LaFace. D.F., from what I keep hearing, were too much “in the weeds” to bang out tracks in the studia. Next thing you know, LaFace is no more, and L.A. Reid is in New York. That meant everybody had to go to J.D. for tracks, label affiliation and mainstream access. And that obviously was only “so-so”.

    But since Ludacris came and killed the game, T.I. has seemingly felt as if an outsider came and took what was meant to be his. You almost can’t blame him for being salty, because he did have the total package (nolo). The funny truth is that Luda was almost signed by LaFace. That’s another story…

    T.I. had it all. I’m pulling for him too, but it looks like this will expose the entire legal system, a’la Paris Hilton, if he doesn’t get some serious time in the feds. I don’t wanna see it, but it looks inevitable. Maybe Chevrolet, Hollywood and Lyor can come to some type of backdoor agreement (nolo).

    But either way, T.I. is supposed to keep his boxer game up. Freeballing is not good for YouTube. Nolo.

    Good post Sunday. Welcome back.

  • FACTMAN

    GM does NOT make Magnums. Dodge does, and Dodge is a DaimlerChrysler company.

    You just got totally pwned. Please give me my comment props. I need to be validated.

  • Pingback: green » The King Has No Drawls On…

  • http://xxlmag.com Billy X. Sunday

    FactMan,
    You are correct sir. Magnums are indeed manufactured by Dodge Motors which is a subsidiary of Chrysler LLC. A totally separate company from General Motors Co. also based in Detroit.

    Chrysler LLC also owns the American Motors Co. brand of vehicles of which the Hummer is a popular model. You may now apply said Hummer to your father’s ballsachs.

    • g

      ^^^^

      LOL

      all im gonna say is BILLY X SUNDAY has done it again.

      Great blog

    • Around and Around

      That’s some hilarious shit, but American Motor’s is long gone man, my fam used to work there until those big layoffs in the 80′s.

      Chrysler bought that shit originally mainly for the ‘Jeep’ brand and droped all AMC cars. No more Gremlin, no Pacer no Matador or Javlin, those cars were the shit.

  • Worley

    Welcome back Sunday.

    The boy TI definitely made himself look a bit crazy with that. I was thinking he should have had on a smoker’s jacket or something. That robe wasn’t it.

    Shout out to Cool Breeze. That first album is the truth.

  • Castro

    FactMan get your facts straight. Dodge is NOT a DaimlerChrysler company as DaimlerBenz recently sold chrysler to a private investment group. Also Hummer is a subbrand of General Motors. You got pwned

  • http://www.myspace.com/crockerishiphop Crocker

    “wonder how much rude boy shit goes down in the parking lots of the south?”

    Lol…they don’t call us the DIRTY South for nothing Mr. Sunday.

  • geico lizard

    you are right about parking lots in the south because the kids are too young to get into clubs but they are old enough to drive so you see parking lots full of bad ass kids sitting on their cars doing nothing positive. the guy who said coolbreeze first album was hot is right that was a hot album but people slept on it because he didnt curse that much so for some reason people think you cant drop a nice album without alot of profanity on it.

  • May

    Heed the advice of George Carlin, “cigars look like brown dicks and that’s why white men love to put them on their lips.”

    ^^^^LMAO!

    It’s good to see you back, Billy. I thought you didn’t pay your bills or some sh*t.

  • Y. Fame

    Check out this blog Sunday, beatsandfoodstamps.blogspot.com

  • http://xxlmag.com Billy X. Sunday

    True story is that there are still Puerto Rican mechanics in the Bronx that have some Gremlins running, and they are sticking eight people in them too.

    • Around and Around

      Small in stature but efficient as a mug.

  • JAYSTONE

    Same old billy saying the same shit.

  • daesonesb

    where I lived down south, it was the movie theatre parking lot, The KFC, and the Bowling alley.

    Fools would never spend money at places, they just parked outside them and tailgated.

  • Pingback: Genone » The King Has No Drawls On…

  • http://xxlmag.com Billy X. Sunday

    Around said Dodge Pacer… Ain’t seen one of them jernts in almost twenty years.