Chuuuuuuuch!

In case you haven’t heard, the Senate is pulling a “kick doe” (in letter form) on six prominent Christian televangelists. They are looking into complaints that these preachers, or pulpit pimps as many like to call them, are misusing the tax exempt money they generate through “love offerings” and other avenues of income.

When I heard about this story this morning, a couple thoughts ran through my head. The first being, what was the government going to do with the information they compiled? Where they going to cut the churchgoers and donators checks with messages reading “Yeah, we caught those pulpit pimps in the act, here is your money back…one hunnid.” I doubt that. They’re gonna do exactly the same thing they do when they confiscate money from drug traffickers, keep it. Or as the movie American Gangster implied, use it to buy more dope to flood the streets with.

The second thought that ran through my head is, what exactly are they looking for? Frankly, I don’t really care what preachers do with the money they generate. If they want to buy a jet, go ahead. If they want the new Range Rover go ahead. It makes me no difference really. If I’m donating money in church, I’m doing it because I want to, not because I have an agenda. Much like how when I give money to bums on the street, I give because I want to. If they go spend it on crack and beer instead of food and shelter, that’s on them, my heart was in the right place. So when I choose to give money in church, I’m not trying to buy a ticket to heaven, I’m giving because my heart is in the right place. How they use or abuse it is between them and God.

I myself attend one of the churches under investigation frequently and for every car that I see the preacher pull up in, I see a church member pull up in one better. For every new suit I see the preacher in, I see the church donate clothes to the homeless. For every book I see the preacher hawking, I see the church helping an ex-con or homeless person get a job. So, I do see at least some of the money going to good causes. That’s not to say that I don’t find fault in some of their actions, but I do at least see some good being done with the money.

The third thought I had was, damn, don’t these folks read or watch the news? If so, they would know that flashy people are always the first to get fucked with by the government. Especially, if you making money that they can’t touch–legally. Like I just said, I see some churches doing good with the money they generate, but they do have their faults too. There have been times when I honestly couldn’t tell the difference between the a preacher standing in the pulpit and a rapper standing on stage:

-Both had the latest fashions and expensive jewelry on

-Neither really allow women to shine alongside them (yeah, females aren’t allowed to be pastors at most churches)

-Was selling something instead of teaching something

-Always talking about the “Feds investigation on me.”

I swear, in theory, sometimes the same things I heard in the preacher’s “prosperity message,” I heard on Trap Or Die.

Maybe that’s why the government is starting to fuck with the preachers, because just like rappers and their record labels, they see that they make alot of money and have the power of influence. Thus, getting the urge to put them in check. Looking at all of this, these preachers could stand to learn something from the very rappers they enjoy attacking and blaming for societal ills.

They can learn that if you live too lavishly, the Feds will be coming for your ass. We should all know by now that the government are the biggest and baddest extortionists on the block. You can’t broadcast everything you’re doing, practice discreet. You remember what the Feds said when they ran up in the Apphiliates’ offices: “wow, these guys were selling this stuff on the internet!” Which you really aren’t supposed to do if its FOR PROMOTIONAL USE ONLY.

I mean, Creflo Dollar and Eddie Long are hopping in videos with Jermaine Dupri and doing songs with Ludacris. Perhaps Creflo could ask J.D. “say man, how is that IRS problem you had a couple of years ago going? Because, they are on my ass now! I could use some advice.” Or Eddie could ask Luda “say brah, how is it that you manage to stay out of the public’s scornful eye? You make all this money, but yet the only time your name comes up in the news, its because Oprah or Bill O’Reilly is hating on you, how do you do it?”

I would say they should give Big Suge or Irv Gotti a call, but I don’t think these churches are getting built off drug money or beating up studio engineers for rewinding tapes too far.

  • http://xxlmag.com Bol

    I could mention something about the ridonkulous detriment religion has been to the development of mankind, not to mention the ridonkulous threat religion poses to the future of life on this planet, but let’s face it. This just isn’t my audience!

    As you were…

  • Around and Around

    Or we could mention Bol’s ridonkulous amounts of arrogance,ignorance and stupidity.

    A few important developments Muslims contributed to mankind:

    -al-Khawarizmi, known as the father of algebra – a word derived from the title of his book, Kitab al-Jabr

    -windmills, invented by Muslims in Sijistan.

    -Ibn al-Haytham explored the squaring of the circle. He also wrote a seven-volume treatise on optics and the nature of light. This explored reflection from plane and curved surfaces, refraction, and the structure of the eye

    -Ibn Al-Nafis, a 13th century Arab physician, described the pulmonary circulation more than 300 years before William Harvey. Surgeon Abu Al-Qasim Al-Zahrawi wrote the Tasrif which, translated into Latin, became the leading medical text in European universities during the later Middle Ages. Al-Zahrawi was also a noted pathologist, describing hydrocephalus and other congenital diseases as well as developing new surgical technologies such as catgut sutures. Some describe Al-Razi (Rhazes), born in 865, as the greatest physician of the Islamic world. He wrote Kitab Al-Mansuri (Liber Almartsoris in Latin), a 10 volume treatise on Greek medicine, and also published on smallpox and measles: his texts continued to be reprinted well into the 19th century. The medical texts of Ibn Rushd (Averroes) were also widely used in European universities.

    The list goes on and on, and includes other religions from Hindu Christian etc.

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      I’ll see your bullshit argument tactics and I’ll raise you.

      Other notable contributions to mankind made by Muslims:

      -Women in beekeeper suits

      -Beheadings in the street

      -Knocking down the twin towers

      -Eight year-olds strapped with explosives

      -Holocaust denial conferences

      Trust me, the list goes on and on!

      • Around and Around

        I call (Just watched Rounders so I think that’s what gamblers do)

        Mostly valid points, except the 8 year old bullshit site your source.

        -All the rest are all individual situations and there’s over a billion Muslims in the world. Those actions are not representative as a whole.

        -As for the ‘beekeeper suits’ that’s some cultural shit, what they wear in Afghanastan is not what they wear in Iraq, is not what they wear in Palestine or Sudan, Turkey….And in the majority women do actually prefer to dress like that, you can’t deny you haven’t seen Muslim women here in America in what you call beekeeper suits and here they’re ‘free’ do decide right?…. and the list does go on and on.

  • CHICAGO PaPii

    Well Religion isn’t the problem, but, ManKind’s interpretation of it, if your taught that they ONLY way of getting a Blessing from GOD is to give the Good Reverand all your money and besides the 10 percent of Tithes that your Obligated to give to the LORD, then thats on you. I personally believe that with Great Power comes Great Responsibility(Thanks Peter Parker for the Quote!), and with that Power(Preaching) it is your obligation to be Honourable and Justly with your way of leading the people in the Statues and Commandments of GOD. If you see preachers getting put under the Watchful eye of the Government(iLLuminati) then you know that it is True when they say you Reap what you Sow. Besides, Islamic Religious leaders,The Catholic Church and Kabbalah Mock-Jewish Religious peoples are way more “Wealthy” then any Televangelist you can catch on TBN on any day of the week, have yall EVER investigated how the Catholic Church is the most Wealthy Organized Religious System and Church throughout the World? They have Castles,they own countries and they got like Golden Temples and stuff, so how could WE say that these TV Preachers are “Holy Rollers” when the Pope is worth 30 Billion dollars?

  • http://xxlmag.com Bol

    Would anyone mind explaining to me why there aren’t any dinosaurs in the Bible?

    I’ll wait…

  • Atl’s own

    i agree.

    Why care wat da preacher do with the money?

    That is if u believe yo preacher is who/what he say he is u know he doing the right thing if you believe other wise why r u even attendin’ in the 1st place.

    The real question is: Why r u givin’ the money (last i checked u can’t buy yo way into heaven)?

  • dameSTAtus

    Bol, you should gmail me (Xtra Nulli) on the atheism/belief tip. I’ve been reading some good articles in the NYT (go to most sent stories) that last couple of days. And arguing w/ my southern wife about many things, including the dinasaurs. Is there a more polite way to say “woman, quit yer bitchen!”?

    Church for real.

  • dameSTAtus

    oh, and bol, do you say “ridonkulous” instead of “ridiculous” in real life? My bet is yes, it should be ingrained by now.

    Church II, the sequel!

  • ri067953

    Yo, the dinosaur argument I can understand but I feel that when taken into context, it is irrelevent. The purpose of any religious text is to give the world set of guidelines to abide by in life. If you read the Bible and apply the lessons contained within to your daily life, one can avoid a lot of undue stress and heartache. The example I use is sex before marraige when explaning this to people. If people excercised more restraint in their sex life, it would lead to far less unwanted pregancy and decrease the rate of abortions and STD’s. If people realized that sex is for pro-creation and not to satisfy the needs of the flesh, hell even if they took the time to truly know their partner, it would alleviate alot of unnecessary problems that we face as a society. Therefore, you cannot say that their is not any truth contained in the Bible or any religious text.

  • CHICAGO PaPii

    There are Dinosaurs in the Holy Bible, but, there not called “Dinosaurs”, they are called “Dragons”, obviously. Actually if you read the Holy Bible they have a few scriptures on there about “Dragons(Dinosaurs)” in certain area which are mentioned in the Holy Bible. Google it, type in Dinosaurs in the Bible on GOOGLE. It’s True.

  • clarknova

    Oh, them wacky Dragons!
    Fuck….all….religions. No one can ever convince me that the ocean of blood spilled over religion over the course of history (all the way up to TODAY) was for any greater benefit. People are weak. They need a daddy in the sky. Then they kill each other/hate each other because they need to belive that THEIR daddy is the ONLY daddy. Obviously there are sane exceptions to this gross generalization, but I say the time for religion has passed humanity by. We no longer need it as a unifying force to galvanize change. In fact, it’s holding us back in many ways- see stem cell research, the “controversy” over evolution, and on and on and on.
    So, here come the religious folks! Praise Jesus/Allah/Yaweh/Buddha/Confucius/your old guy/diety of choice.

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    Is there a more polite way to say “woman, quit yer bitchen!”?
    yea “hushup when grown folks are talkin”

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    Yo, Around is such a supreme sucker…

    These “evangelists” need to be checked. It makes no sense that J. Bynum wants us to have $5,000 pens, on some “get like me” shit, but we’re still supposed to kick %10 of our weekly earnings to her financial discretion.

    *Pauses to ensure that someone sees irony in this…*

    Back to the popular religious pimps. Dollar and Long (sounds like a pR0n movie title – nolo) are both rich from the worst possible way of making money. Not that child prostitution (like how I did after fathering Around and TPAR) isn’t very wrong, but I feel that taking someone else’s spiritual beliefs and turning them into a personal profit is like the VD of our culture.

    Instead of more churches, we need more clinics.

    Chuuuuuch.

  • Jerry Curls

    Creflo Dollar is my friend on myspace, and a mighty cool guy at that. On a side note, religion is for fags and trannies.

  • overfloe

    endtime.com…peep the recent radio braodcasts jesus is returning very soon