An epic wigger battle

One time, back when I was working at White Castle, there was an epic ninja battle between some wiggers and some regular white kids.

There was this group of three wiggers (my bad about having to use such a term) kicking it in the parking lot next to a Monte Carlo or something. If I had to guess, I’d say they were 16 tops, but they could have been as young 13 or 14 and just driving illegally. The ring leader was a little bitty mofo – maybe 5 feet tall or 5’3″ tops – and there were these two fat kids. I was working the drive through that night, so I could see the whole thing.

Then these regular white kids rolled up in a Toyota Camry or something, and of course they couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of this gang of middle school-age wiggers posted up in a White Castle parking lot. Admittedly, the shit was pretty funny.

However, the little bitty one, i.e. the ringleader, didn’t take kindly to being laughed at by regular white people like that. Not to draw a connection between this and the Jena Six, but I’m sure it can be pretty tough at times being a wigger, if not quite as tough as being a black kid in a shithole like Jena, Louisiana.

Only problem was, like I said, this motherfucker was tiny, and he was easily the hardest member of his little crew. So he stepped to them with a whole lot of rah rah, the way I’m sure in his mind a real black person would, but then one of the regular white kids just knocked the shit out of him. So him and the rest of his crew hopped in the Monte Carlo and peeled the fuck out.

Having secured the White Castle parking lot for themselves, the group of regular white kids stuck around for a while and started working on their sandwiches and chuckling about the fact that they were just attacked by a gang of middle school-age wiggers.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the Monte Carlo peeled back into the parking lot like a Meatloaf-style bat out of hell. Before the two fat ones could even unbuckle their seat belts, the ringleader jumped out of the car with some sort of black stick, which he was holding like a baseball bat.

The regular white kid who knocked him the fuck out before approached him, as if he was about to hit him again, or perhaps take the stick from him and beat him with it. But then, right when it looked like something was about to happen, the ringleader pulled the cover off of this stick, revealing a samurai sword damn near as big as he was!

He struck the gulliest pose possible, like, What now, nigga! Pattonville up in this bitch! Fortunately, he didn’t actually have to use it. The group of regular white kids hopped in their Toyota Camry and peeled the fuck out. And unlike the gang of middle school-age wiggers, they opted to stay gone, at least for the evening.

Having rid the White Castle parking lot of regular white kids, the gang of middle school-age wiggers probably could’ve stuck around for a while if they wanted to. But they left again shortly thereafter, I guess feeling like they’d proven their point for the evening.

As far as this story is concerned, I’m not sure what the point is, other than: how dead can hip-hop be, really, if you’ve got gully-ass middle school-age wiggers rolling three deep in a Monte Carlo out here in the flyover states? Who knows, maybe one of them will grow up to be the next Eminem.

  • joe

    that was a good story. i’d like to hear some more please.

  • http://msn.com Man this was funny

    Man every time I read one of columns I break out in laughter (well not all of them) but this was funny as eva. With WHITE on WHITE crime in a WHITE castle parking lot you definetly right that hip hop ain’t dead. What IM still rollin ova is the fact lil dude came back with a sammy sword.

  • DirtDoggy

    It’s called “small man syndrome” it comes in all colors not just wiggers, these little 5 foot 100 pound bitches always talk the most shit ( a lot of rap/mc’s come to mind, there are many to choose from), then they get there ass kicked (prodigy comes to mind here as a recent example) and feel the need to use weapons to get thier manhood back, you know’ the old short dick needs a sports car metaphore. How many black guys you know that do this same small man wigger shit ? I don’t know why you always bring race up, you got style or you don’t.

  • AB

    This is incredible. Best post in months. Hilarious.

  • Doobie

    What, we’re you down to the wire or something Bol? They told you that they needed *something* no matter how pointless it may be? I fail to see how supposedly “gully-ass middle school-age wiggers rolling three deep in a Monte Carlo” are in any way a sign of hip-hop’s vitality.

  • http://www.allhiphop.com Rey

    This was the funniest/best post you’ve had since…Um…

    Yeah.

    Good job, Ashlee. You might not be as useless as I previously thought.

  • Rich Arte

    lmfao @ Bol running the drive thru at White Castles.

  • DANJA29

    Wow Bol… when you’re not tryna shock everybody, you actually write some good blogs. Although I suspect the commenters don’t comment as much without the shock shit.

    *cue TPAR asking why you had to call them wiggers*

  • http://www.xxlmag.com EReal

    Now I know how you got so fat, it was the white castle!

    Thanks for the pointless post!

  • halfNice

    What? Not even one controversial or sick or bigoted view? You must be going soft. lol

  • Real Talk

    LOL

  • kdean101

    I would like the two minutes of my life back please!

  • Combat Jack

    HILLARIOUS!!! Thanks for this one bol! Classic material!

  • N.O. 4 life

    lmao…sometimes pointless posts are good posts

  • Ryan

    This was a nice break from the politically relevant stuff, which is informative but never makes me laugh cause it’s usually just TPAR having a pissing contest with every poster and LOL, Dark, and whatever other fake names they create typing pure shit in all caps. Now that I think about it, those things are pretty funny too………

  • CHICAGO PaPii

    Wiggers are invading Black Culture, somebody need to send out a memo to White People that acting Black is so 1994. Lmao! I got a new term for The N-Word, it is Negroids, everytime a Black Person acts like they don’t have manners, class, intelligence or any Cooning behavior I am gonna he/she a Negroid. Then damn Hilarity ensues when Al Sharpton blares constant protest to my labeling Black People Negroids. Smile.

  • texasleen

    damn thats good…wtf is up with mike jones going to discuss hip hop

  • Asanto

    I luv this story…I wanna see that “ringleader” get his Wu-Tang on, too…LOL

  • Asanto

    I luv dat story… I wanna see dat “ringleader” gettin his Wu-Tang on, too… LOL

  • these posts are racist

    This was hilarious. Great article. I was having a bad day actually, this article made me laugh.

    Nice writing and story telling.

  • LowEndofDaChi

    Man, this shit was hilarious. Who gets snuffed then returns to the scene with a samurai sword? WTF? LMAO!

    Bol probably called the police though, left that part out, huh buddy?

  • dameSTAtus

    Seconding TParn. Having a shittastic day, thanks for the good laugh Bolio.

  • grapes

    I doubt that this really happened a while back…I bet you’re at the drive-thru right now Bol. Lmao

  • brebre

    LMAO. THE ILLEST COLUMN EVER.

    BOL, SEND IT TO HOLLYWOOD. THIS ONE GON BE A CULT CLASSIC.

  • Dan99

    Great blog, i wish i was a ninja

  • thoreauly77

    my home security system is a ninja sword. no shit. funny drop bol. i actually had the entire thing playing in my head like a movie, and had i been drinking a beer like i am about to, it would have surely shot right out of my nose at the “what now, nigga?!” pose, all afro-samurai and shit.

  • Nate

    The small man syndrome is right on. It’s mostly (not to generalize right?) short azz dudes who have problems with their height, also prob foot and tool size, therefore not confidant with ladies and/or popular. So they act out their fantasy via acting like a rapper or image. Call them what you want to, it’s all the same insecurity inside. Throw in martial arts, t.v. and the internet and you have that great (but sad) experience you witnessed.

    Remember when people knuckled up to settle differences? When they were not bit&%%s and fought to get out the aggression. Now it’s fakes who think pulling a trigger or faking is better.

  • Cuban Link

    best.post.ever.

    Eminem + Wu-Tang Clan=Greatest rapper ever?

  • C

    this shit could be a movie
    or a shirt clip
    i can just see them now
    rofl

  • Jason Murk

    “…how dead can hip-hop be, really, if you’ve got gully-ass middle school-age wiggers rolling three deep in a Monte Carlo out here in the flyover states?”

    If hip hop is synonomous with “wigger violence,” then hip hop is dead as fuck.

    The story was hilarious though.

  • http://brandonsoderberg.blogspot.com brandonsoderberg

    I’ve always found “wigger” inaccuarate and of course, racially problematic, I prefer “woon” (white coon) because most wiggers act like some sort of retarded stereotype of black people. Wiggers also act coon-ish in front of black people (see White Mike from ‘The Wayans Brothers’) so it works that way too.

  • MAC 50

    yo man this was the funniest post ever!!!!! fuckin dude pulled out a samurai sword??? thats some crazy shit right there. you need to do more posts like this one. great post

  • Carlito

    You’re the man for this one, some real good shit to read, lol. In contrast to all the problems and stuff in hiphop, these things lighten the shit up. You killed it with the “what now nigga?!”-thing, LOL. Straight up fire post.

    Off the mic, why the hell was XXL not working yesterday? I guess some dude forgot to pay the bill :P

  • its about

    ITS ABOUT HOW BOL IS LUCKY TO HAVE THIS JOB AND HOW HE GOT NO OTHER JOBS. :)

  • dsign kid

    That was funny but what’s funnier is all 3 of those lil’ “wiggers”(ignorant ass term especially comin’ from a black man) were probably all harder than Bol and half of you who post on here…DAMN, I miss White Castle’s.

  • http://www.hoodgrownonline.com hoodgrown

    It’s I guess it’s always the shortest one who feels he has to set it whether black or white. That shit is crazy!!!

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  • kritiq

    yo if this story was to be turned into an epic you can call it “sumarai wiggers” and make sure you get Ryan, Around, and Spaniad to star as the 3 leading wiggers

  • Kid Kash

    What is worse? A white kid who grew up around black folk and have a “wigger” attitude & look to him, or a black kid who grew up in an all white town who trys to act all gully and gangster just cause the color of his skin?

  • OrangeJuiceJones

    The only reason Bol still aint workin at the Castle is cuz his Al Roker body ass kept eatin every shipment of the Jalapeno Poppers and Mozzarella Sticks.

  • OrangeJuiceJones

    The only reason Bol still aint workin at the Castle is cuz his Al Roker body ass kept eatin every shipment of the Jalapeno Poppers and Mozzarella Sticks.

  • Tyler

    BoL, don’t hip hop pay your bills and keep your from workin’ at White Castles again? Well, barely but it does so ease up on hating on it all time would be a good thing that U think?
    SolutionsGlobalMedia.com aka SGM7.com
    Love it or Hate it Tell a Friend

  • the one

    Stay away from White Castle Bol you fat bastard. This has nothin’ to do with Hip Hop.

  • Jhon da Analyst

    I’m 5’7 and 170lbs. Not a towering figure mind you, but I have no “Napoleon Complex” whatsoever. After my first dunk back in the day, I knew I was the shit, regardless of stature. My tool is not little so I don’t need to drive an SUV. I talk shit too like most niggas but the difference is I will cap dat azz. Like a wise MC once told me…..This aint back in the day, no time to be scrappin. SO if you’re a little dude or a big cat, everybody gets the gun clap!!! And that’s real……..

  • Around and Around

    Man that shit is hilarious, I’m just seeing some little white trash wigger jumping out of his Monte, chest pumped up and hitting that pose with a fucking sword….

  • Internets Gangstas are with the Faggots.

    Jhon da Analyst Says:

    September 26th, 2007 at 9:02 am
    I’m 5′7 and 170lbs. Not a towering figure mind you, but I have no “Napoleon Complex” whatsoever. After my first dunk back in the day, I knew I was the shit, regardless of stature. My tool is not little so I don’t need to drive an SUV. I talk shit too like most niggas but the difference is I will cap dat azz. Like a wise MC once told me…..This aint back in the day, no time to be scrappin. SO if you’re a little dude or a big cat, everybody gets the gun clap!!! And that’s real……..
    ^^^^
    Aint nothin real about what you just said, you aint gonna do shit, Cracker.

  • Ceehawk

    that made me lauagh out loud in my univ. pc lab… greatest mental picture… evAr?

  • Content

    classic

  • triplesixninja

    wigger ninjas represent!

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Internets Gangstas are with the Faggots. Says:
    Aint nothin real about what you just said, you aint gonna do shit, Cracker.

    See you’re the same type of dumb nigga that doesnt believe shit stinks!!

  • Jhon da Analyst

    By the way, I’m not a cracka stupid…….And being a gangsta is corny. Too intelligent for that, however dummies like you don’t even identify themselves. Knowledge Reigns Supreme stupid.

  • foolio_iglesias

    Seriously,Crawdad all that extra shit has nothing to do with hip hop.Inner city ghetto culture,maybe..