Screw buying you a draaank

I was riding around in my van the other day listening to T-Pain’s “Buy You a Drink,” and I got to thinking. (Nullus.)

On most Friday nights, when I get off from the BGM, I like to stop at a local watering hole and drown my sorrows in Budweiser. I used to go to these places that were frequented by other kids who were roughly my same age, but I had to cut that shit out, because I was tired of being bothered.

Especially here in Creve Coeur you’d run the risk of running into someone you went to school with, and then you’d have to go through the pain of explaining that you work for a magazine, but you don’t really work for a magazine. Basically, you get paid a handful of nickels each month to crack dick jokes for people who can hardly read.

Or, worst case scenario, you might end up with some fucked up-looking West County beast wanting you to buy them a drink. Then, if you’re like me, you have to look like the asshole, because the bottom line is that I’m not coming out of my pocket to buy some broad a drink unless I think I might score with her, and even then I’m not gonna feel especially good about it.

And I may be in a especially tough position because, let’s face it, I’m not the best-looking guy in the world, but at the same time I look like I might have a little money in my pocket. As a fat guy, I just plain don’t look right in cheap clothes. Plus, I think men who have lived a life of relative comfort give off a certain aura that women can pick up on. Seriously.

So I’m sure girls see me and think to themselves, “Here’s a guy who’s obviously going to have a hard time making it with girls anyway. Maybe I can fool him into thinking he’s got a shot with me and get this poor bastard to come out of his pocket.”

And the worst part about is that I get approached by a lot of broads who just really aren’t very good-looking. I mean, if a girl was really all that, I’d probably be willing to blow up to $20 on her, even if I knew I wasn’t about to hit it. It’d almost be like going to a strip club, except you’d never get quite close enough to know how her vagine smells…

But of course this is never the case. Instead, I get these broads who must be laboring under the impression that, since I’m not particularly desirable myself, I should be happy with woman who might have a bit of a body hair issue, or could stand to lose 40 pounds, or is secretly already in her 30s or some shit. If this is the case, then obviously they’ve got a lot to learn about the way a man’s mind works.

Of course if I was T-Pain none of this would even be an issue. Nah, I’ve seen that VH1 special on video hoes enough times to know that once you reach a certain level of celebrity in this country, you no longer have to worry about spending money on a broad in order to get her to bang you. Because there’s plenty of girls out there who would be more than happy to bang you just to say that they did it.

And yet, if you notice, so many of T-Pain’s songs have to do with spending money on women. What gives? I mean, obviously he’s famous enough these days that you’d think he’d have the option to keep his money to himself, where it belongs; and he’s not so old that he could even know the desperation that causes a man to reach for his wallet, unlike some of these Indian guys you see in clubs over on the East Side.

My guess: T-Pain secretly wishes he was a woman.

Think about it: not only does the guy have long hair, but he’s got highlights in it, which is just teh ghey. And lest we forget, there was that video earlier this year in which he congratulates Ray J on the size of his “meat.” In retrospect, I should’ve known something was up back then, but hip-hop has gotten so teh ghey these days, it’s hard to tell if a guy is a for real fudge or just really fashionable. Nullus.

In that sense, it’s no wonder that T-Pain sings through a vocoder more or less exclusively. It makes his voice sound that much more girlish. And the reason he’s able to sing about so many things that would only ever even occur to a women (what kind of man do you know who’s gonna go around announcing how much money he’s got into the bank?) is because he’s able to understand the way a woman’s mind works.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that it’s just plain not in a man’s nature to be all excited about the idea of spending money on a woman, even if it’s just for $4 worth of the kind of shit women drink. If I had the means, I’m not saying I definitely wouldn’t myself (as long as I got some stank!), but I wouldn’t be going around singing about it either.

  • got game

    haha funny!

  • Ryan

    First. I was never into going to bars/buying women anything. It’s ironic (not cause the Lakers beat the Supersonics) cause now I’m married, which means coming out of pocket for damn near everything even though she works too.

  • Sir Francis

    word….

  • Redd

    The majority of tpains songs are about trickin on sum whore.

  • boner jams 03

    i ain’t buyin a bitch shit…i don’t even like spending my time with a hoodrat ..so i damn sure aint spendin money…i got wifey..thats guaranteed pussy right there..so its not a make or break thing for me if i don’t fuck some random jump off the club…

  • boner jams 03

    and oh yea…t-pain is more of a bitch than a bitch…he ain’t into hittin pussy or hittin a switch…he into hittin bitches off with a grip…ya punk bitch (c) kurupt

  • Fernando

    How your pathetic drinking / dating rituals led to a thesis that T-Pain wishes he was a girl is something I might never understand. Plus, where do you get off calling people out on their teh-ghey tendencies? After your video interview, its amazing that you have the gaul to call anybody gay.

  • BirdsFlySouth

    I don’t know what’s up with this new generation. Ever since the phrase “It ain’t trickin if you got it” came out. Dudes have lost their minds. Now all of sudden its “cool” to take a chick on shopping sprees. NEWS FLASH Dummies it is tricking if you got it.

    PS “Soon as I seen her I told her I’d pay for it”, Plies…. Weakest line of 2007 and pretty much sums up this new generation

  • og bobby johnson

    Everytime im out with a broad…I pay for everything. I do this by choice….I guess i am old school. I dont let a broad drive me around, her car or not, I be like “slide hoe…im whippin this here”
    WORD OF ADVICE
    only buy a chick a drink if you can see she is already five or six deep….you may reap the benefits of someone else’s expenses at that point!

  • stoneyisland

    T-pain is a homosexual. Or at a minimum a downlow brother, his infactuation with Ray-J is sick. Bol is also a homosexual or hermphadite at a minimum. Him and T-pain should hook up a do a video:) 2 grown ass hairy niggas talkin
    bout “I love you dog” this thuggin love shit is gettin’ out of hand.

  • http://myhangover.wordpress.com/ Big Homie

    *dies*

    Co-fucking signs

  • smog

    “Basically, you get paid a handful of nickels each month to crack dick jokes for people who can hardly read.” that shit was funny, but sometimes you got to buy a people something to drink, girls are much better at doing it when then drank a little, its in your intrest, sometimes, and god forbid, you want to show someone a little love you know some you care about, a guy or a girl you can get them a drank, it aint nothin. plus mabye a hot chick will see you buy a fat girl a drank and think, thats really nice of bol to buy that fat girl a drank, mabye i should holla at him, think about it man

  • JE

    haha yep

  • http://www.byroncrawford.com/ Bol

    >plus mabye a hot chick will see you buy a fat girl a drank and think, thats really nice of bol to buy that fat girl a drank, mabye i should holla at him, think about it man

    Hmm… I never thought of it that way.

  • Content

    Being from Tallahassee myself it almost shames me that our only hip-hop artist of mention is T-Pain. As some may know, he used to be part of a rap group called, Nappy Headz (yeah, I know). Back then he still had that nasal whine southern rappers are synonymous with but you could tell dude maintained integrity in his craft. Now, not so much.

  • http://xxlmag.com King B

    T-pain always singing about being a sucker, and only other suckers listen to that awful shit. Damn BOL I underestimated you, you go hard on them hoes huh.

  • Justin Kase

    maybe I’m a mack cuz when i go to a club, i go to straight to the bar, sit next to the finest girl by the bar and ask her “what you drinkin?”, regardless of her reply i always say “well get one for me too.”

  • Unknown

    I am going to have to agree since when is buying chicks things and going on shopping sprees pimping I thought the idea was to break a “hoe” not shower a hoe. Plies line was yes is the worst line in rap history. I think 05-07 we have heard some terrible lines. IT not that hiphop is dead Pimping is dead.

  • http://www.kaseclosed.blogspot.com Justin Kase

    oh yeah, don’t forget to CHECK OUT BOL’S T-PAIN IMPERSONATION BY CLICKING ON MY NAME.

    Bol, you thought I forgot. hahaha

  • Hey bol

    yo Bol, i just saw that youtube interveiw of yours and i gotta ask, whats wrong with your neck nigga? can you fat ass even walk?

  • Fire

    “‘Soon as I seen her I told her I’d pay for it”, Plies…. Weakest line of 2007 and pretty much sums up this new generation.’”
    Co-sign BirdsFlySouth. I’m from this new generation and I hate the way that they make these punk ass songs about buying women’s affection and spending money on them right off the bat. That’s a punk ass Captain Save A Hoe mentality that doesn’t need to be promoted. It takes so much more than that.

  • dez

    1. bol doesnt get girls
    2. where is mac dre when you need him “dick on discount bitch goodbye,what I look like Mr.frank fuck for free no doe hoe you cant fuck with me”

  • unknown

    They just not saving them they are revieving them. Come on dudes are paying rent and car notes. They are full time parents if you ask me. That is what mom and pop did when you lived with them. These cats are retarted to much lead in ther diet.

  • Fire

    King B: “T-pain always singing about being a sucker, and only other suckers listen to that awful shit.”
    Co-sign to the fullest.

  • Trizzle

    wow is thys shit serious? hey XXLmag.com if yaw jus hiring anybody around there then yaw should pick me up, I atleast got some kind of common sense and interest in hiphop. this post is dumber then ass. plain and simple

  • 1,21,2..anditdon’tstop81

    I RATHER BY ME A SKANK OOH WEE-OHHH
    CUZ’ WHEN i TAKE HER HOME WIT’ ME
    SHE GET PAID TO LICK TAINT
    SHAWTY i AIN’T GOTTA LICK HER BACK
    SHAWTY i AIN’T BOUT TO LICK HER CRACK! LOL! HAHA BUY CHEAP REGRET IT LATER.

  • unknown

    Well Trizzle my dude if there was some hiphop to report than it would be something to talk about. But hey what he is talking about is a so called hiphop song. We have nothing that is intresting to discuss but the quality of skills that are being put on display.

  • Around and Around

    BOL says,

    Think about it: not only does the guy have long hair, but he’s got highlights in it,
    —-
    Hilarious, think about going into the barber and telling them, ‘yeah I want some highlights’

  • Ryan

    Justin Kase Says:

    August 27th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
    maybe I’m a mack cuz when i go to a club, i go to straight to the bar, sit next to the finest girl by the bar and ask her “what you drinkin?”, regardless of her reply i always say “well get one for me too.”
    ^^
    People who say shit like this are full of shit.

  • Tyler

    So I’m sure girls see me and think to themselves, “Here’s a guy who’s obviously going to have a hard time making it with girls anyway. Maybe I can fool him into thinking he’s got a shot with me and get this poor bastard to come out of his pocket.”

    More like they say, “There goes a fat mommys boy 2 scared 2 own a pitbull much less fight one & who ain’t had pussy since pussy had him. He should be an easy mark to wet my whistle since from the looks of him he 4 sho’ can’t wet nothing else.”
    SolutionsGlobalMedia.com aka SGM7.com
    Love it or Hate it, Tell a Friend.

  • Stonyman

    Dear Douchebags,

    If you are still using the video interview with Bol as material to trash him get a fuckin clue. That shit is old news look at how he makes fun of himself for being fat, getting no money from his blogging career and working at BGM. Shit the dude will write blogs about burgers. Get something new dipshits. I am tired of having to skim through your “disses” when what you have to say has already been said and Bol now admits to it. Get TPAR on here at least he comes up with something intellectual to diss Bol on. Your game is washed out and now your sandy vaginas need to be also.

  • http://www.myspace.com/sinistahmoneybagz Sinistah aka The New Millineum Goldie

    yeah, sons whole format is based off desperation, i mean i look like a Gargoyle, but at least my light-skinned tone reminds my chicks that i could possibly say fuck rap and the day job and ressurrect a new career as the 2k7 version of Goldie (The Mack).

    but damn this dude was “N Luv Wit A Stripper”, “Sprung”, “Buyin Drinks”, and all types of otha shit you’d get a real nigga reality check from,

    unless:

    a) ya wife is an alcoholic stripper wit good pussy

    or

    b) u look like T-Pain

  • rec

    Trizzle Says:

    August 27th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
    wow is thys shit serious? hey XXLmag.com if yaw jus hiring anybody around there then yaw should pick me up, I atleast got some kind of common sense and interest in hiphop. this post is dumber then ass. plain and simple
    ^^^
    One problem…you gotta be able to wrizzle!

  • Dr Flav

    You mean to tell me you cats are tight over a drink? Either you got flat pockets, no game, a cheap bastard or al the above. We talkin about a shot of Patron, not a vvs diamond bracelet. If Im mackin to a broad, her drink gettin low and I of course have a full glass…”Bartender!”

  • Cuban Link

    or is secretly already in her 30s or some shit. If this is the case, then obviously they’ve got a lot to learn about the way a man’s mind works.

    ^I dont know Bol, J.Los over 30 and I still wanna fuck her.

    and, uh, maybe you shoudlve realized T-Pain was a fruit when he dropped Im Sprung. Remember when he kept saying “Got me doing things I never do” Wouldnt that mean that he doesnt usually fuck bitches?I mean Ive heard Ashanti and Christina Milian and Beyonce say shit like that, but not a guy…

  • FuckUPayMe618

    Damn bol you live in Creve Coeur? Ni66a you can’t be broke. I go to school with alot of cracka ass crackas from there, yall mofos got doe. Ho’s on the East Side know not to bring that shit to us. Fuck around and get shot in the face. All you got do is buy the bitch a drink and slip her mickey then you should be aiight. Atleast if you don’t fuck you can rob her. Ya Digg

    East Boogie in the Fucking Building

  • http://www.myspace.com/teardropcity teardropcity

    PURPLE HULK is oddly quiet.

  • http://www.myspace.com/sinistahmoneybagz Sinistah aka B!tch Buy Ya Own!!!!

    No Dr. Flav, it just means i work hard 4 “my” $$$$ and would rather spend “my” $$$$$ on “myself” before some female i don’t know or care to know, be it da bar or wherever most idiots with half functioning motor-skills can exchange currency.

    theres nothin wrong wit tippin, thats just something i choose not to indulge in with the pride of an Olympic gold medalist…..especially when i know it’s tons of dudes who like to “stunt” for the night and will go broke just to get a fake phone number!!!

  • T.R.E.Y.

    your opening line on its own redeems some of your bullshit posts lately. good work sir.

  • CT Killah BD5

    Budwieser? lmao fuckin herb get up on dat jack daniels an steel reserve E & J patron an grey goose u drinkin dat redneck shit aha

  • emmanuel

    Co-sign stonyman and rec to the fullest

  • Rizzop

    Fellas, you gonna trick off regardless once you get her, women make you pay somehow, some way. Whether its with kids, alimony, or she got some good pussy. So if you aint trickin now, you will be eventually. Unless you dont like women that is, and most women need a nigga to provide something unless you just tappin/eatin it right

  • http://fat.com fat

    YOU ARE FAT!

    bwahahahaha

  • Ghost Deini

    boner jams 03 is a corny ass wigger.

  • BklynBandette

    I hear you Bol, you have a good point. Me, personally, don’t need to cop drinks from ANYBODY. Wrong beverage from the wrong Nigga will cause Major Danger. Been done slipped something in my Mojito, next thing you know I’ll be Face Down Ass Up on YouTube & MySpace. NO THANKS. I quench My OWN Thirst!

    Just A Woman’s Perspective.
    Holla If Ya Hear Me …

  • ceezy4sheezy

    BirdsFlySouth Says:

    August 27th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
    I don’t know what’s up with this new generation. Ever since the phrase “It ain’t trickin if you got it” came out. Dudes have lost their minds. Now all of sudden its “cool” to take a chick on shopping sprees. NEWS FLASH Dummies it is tricking if you got it.

    PS “Soon as I seen her I told her I’d pay for it”, Plies…. Weakest line of 2007 and pretty much sums up this new generation
    ^^^^^

    COSIGN This generation all you hear now is how niggas will spend money and trick off on a bitch and it is still tricking if you got it damn goofy ass niggaz in rap these days

  • May

    #
    BklynBandette Says:

    August 28th, 2007 at 9:39 am

    I hear you Bol, you have a good point. Me, personally, don’t need to cop drinks from ANYBODY. Wrong beverage from the wrong Nigga will cause Major Danger. Been done slipped something in my Mojito, next thing you know I’ll be Face Down Ass Up on YouTube & MySpace. NO THANKS. I quench My OWN Thirst!

    Just A Woman’s Perspective.
    Holla If Ya Hear Me …

    ^^^LMAO! I hear you, girl!

  • http://xxlmagazine.com Cal

    Very true my man! Only Donald Trump and bitch made desperatedudes cherish the thought of spending mad cake on some female who wouldn’t even piss on you to insult to say the least. Back home in Kenya dudes used to tell females who’d come up all over them askin for dude to buy her som’n todrink eat or wahtever. His answer “You gon’ gimme that pussy for that?” Females mistake the notion of men being absolutely stupid in the face of some juicy titties! If we were mad idiots how the hel was this article written in the first place. Pay for a chickif she worth it or if she your wife or long time bed buddy!! Nuf said!!!

  • Justin Kase

    @ryan, no I really do that. Whether they buy me one or not, I could give a fuck less cuz i can buy my own, but women so used to gettin drinks from men, why can’t men get drinks from women. My mentality is, it can’t hurt to ask.
    It’s lame ass fucks like you that probably don’t go to the club, and if you do you prah’lee sidelined for the whole night with the same watered-down ass drink in yo hand waitin to leave. Don’t ever disrespect SON.

  • roc

    Very funny post.

  • boner jams 03

    Ghost Deini Says:

    August 28th, 2007 at 5:26 am
    boner jams 03 is a corny ass wigger.

    yo momma

  • ABC

    I was riding around in my van the other day listening to T-Pain’s “Buy You a Drink,”…
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    Listen T-Pain = Ghey

  • Benjamins

    Bol this is the funniest shit ever. This goes back to what i have said over and over again. Guys are just becoming bitches themselves. They will sell there soul to get a girls attention. There is millions of babes out there if one does not like you fuck her and fuck buying her shit. Its the assholes like me that gets all the babes anyways its fags who listen to songs like that that just get used and left crying like a bitch. Its just not hip hop its all music. Turn on any music station or network watch five videos and tell me that you dont see guys crying about some bitch or offering there everything to them, then watch a bitch video and its about them taking our place as men them controling shit. Tell me im wrong, please write about this Bol or someone who is a blogger this is serious shit and its changing the world. Men are becoming bitches and bitches are taking the roles of pimps playas or whatever that men used to have our men need to grow some balls.

  • FADE

    T PAIN IS THE GAYEST SHIT ON THE PLANET

    GREAT POST