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Lauryn Hill, psycho hose beast

I’ll admit, sometimes my misogyny gets the best of me. It’s not so much that I hate women, it’s just that I love women so much that I want them to be the best they can possibly be, and sometimes my love clouds my better judgment. Nhjic.

Case in point, when I heard, back when I was in college, that the guys who really produced Lauryn Hill’s The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill were suing her because she was trying to take credit for a whole buncha shit she didn’t do and because she’s an insane beeyotch who’s not nearly as talented as she’d have you believe, I just took it for granted that this was true.

Obviously I wasn’t at a vantage point during the album’s recording to know one way or the other, but I just assumed that it was, since, let’s face it, I’m a bigot like it. The idea that someone like Lauryn Hill would be a fraud just sounded right, especially when you consider that the only really good albums by women (Live Through This by Hole and Hard Core by Lil’ Kim) were secretly written by men.

As is the case more often than not, I turned out to be right anyway. Without male collaborators such as Wyclef and the rest of the smelly Haitians who worked on the Score, and whoever it was who really wrote and produced the Miseducation, the best she could come up with was that garbage she was kicking that time she was on MTV Unplugged. What’s more, she could hardly sing, since she had obviously burned her vocal chords from smoking too much crack.

I’d be lying if I said I spent very much time wondering what she was up to these past five years or so, but, since you mention it, I’m assuming she’s been holed up in her home with which ever one of those worthless Marley spawn she’s married to and their smelly kids, smoking crack and trying to will herself into becoming a great songwriter the same way Neil Young beat epilepsy. (My bad for even having to drag Neil Young into this.)

If “Lose Myself,” her new single from the soundtrack to some Disney movie which was intended to be her big comeback hit of the summer, is any indication of the level of progress she’s made, she might want to take another five or ten years off. Why? Because the shit isn’t any good, that’s why.

However, that hasn’t stopped from going on a small comeback tour of places where there’s still enough saps willing to drop $80 to watch a washed up Lauryn Hill. So far, I know it’s been to Oakland, California and London, England, and it should be hitting NY in a little bit. If the first few dates are any indication of what you ‘bags in NY have to look forward to, you could be in for the worst concert evar.

Take for example this report of a gig she played in England the other day.

The singer played at the Birmingham Academy last night (July 9) and turned up on stage two hours late at 10.30pm. Some fans had already left before she turned up.

Once onstage, fans have described her as looking “wasted” and “cracked out”, with one saying that it was “the worst gig of my life.”


On the one hand, you can’t help but feel sorry for someone who’s career has fallen so far so fast. Less than 10 years ago, she was widely regarded as this generation’s equivalent of Stevie Wonder. Nowadays she’s obviously got more in common with the old, cracked out Sly Stone, except for the fact that Sly Stone was once genuinely talented.

On the other hand, fuck Lauryn Hill. If she didn’t have such a ridonkulous ego in the first, it’s likely she never would’ve arrived at such a sad state of affairs.

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