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How I know hip-hop is teh ghey

“So you know what the blogs are gonna say tomorrow. Kanye says he knows a lot of gay people.” – Kanye Toodles

Oftentimes, when a guy thinks he might be teh ghey, but he’s not quite ready to take that leap out of the closet, he’ll do things like wearing women’s clothes in order to appear “ironic,” and kissing other guys on a dare. Remember when you were in high school, and there was that one guy who was always so amped to play that game where you jerk off onto a cookie? I’m not saying that’s what’s going on in hip-hop right now. I’m just saying.

So far this year we’ve seen plenty of examples of things that could be viewed as teh ghey, but we’ve yet to see an example of two guys actually fucking one another in the ass, at least not on tape. For example, there was Pastor Ma$e cruising for tranny hookers; Lil’ Wayne and Baby kissing one another on the mouth; Kanye West showing up to the Grammys dressed like a teh ghey male “hustler;” Beanie Sigel trying to shove his tongue down Peedi Crakk’s ear. And the list goes on and on.

Next thing you know we’re gonna have guys blowing one another and claiming it’s not teh ghey because it helps make your teeth white, and you know how girls like a guy with a nice pair of pearly whites! Which begs the question: just how teh ghey does a guy have to be before he’s considered a fudge? Lest we forget, there was a time when guys like George Michael and Freddie Mercury and Michael Jackson would swear up and down that they didn’t swing that way, and you see how that turned out.

Indeed, my theory is that the hip-hop community has gotten a lot more teh ghey over the years, and right now we’re just at that point where you’ve got a lot of closet cases testing the waters, doing things that are obviously teh ghey, just to see how much of an outrage it’ll provoke. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we’ve got rappers stroking it in front of cops in front of public restrooms, dying of AIDS, and having sleepovers with eight year-old cripples and cancer patients.

I’d be lying if I said I was 100% certain why this is happening, but I do have a few ideas.

First of all, there’s obviously something wrong with the food supply, and possibly the water supply as well. The other day, I ran a story on my own site about how feeding a baby too many soy products could cause it to become a fudge, if it’s a boy, or to reach puberty at the ripe old age of seven, if it’s a girl. Are we to assume that it’s merely a coincidence that this bizarre 180 in hip-hop fashion is occurring at the same time that there’s an epidemic of black girls reaching puberty years before their white counterparts?

Also, you have to assume that prison culture is playing a part in this. For years now, young black men in this country have been sent to prison at inproportionate rates, especially for drug crimes, and I think we all know what goes on there. I remember back when sagging your pants first became popular, when I was a kid, it was thought that this was because you weren’t allowed to wear a belt in prison, but then a guy told me that the real reason guys in prison sag their pants is to let other guys know that they take it up the coat.

In retrospect, this guy was obviously on to something. I’m sure many of ‘bags will attempt to counter that it’s impossible for a population to become more or less teh ghey over time, but the truth of the matter is that scientists aren’t even 100% certain what makes a person teh ghey in the first place. In the past few years, I think it’s been proven that I’m right about these things more often than not, but this is actually one of the few times I hope I’m wrong about something. Please, Lord, let me wrong about this!

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