If there’s one thing that people like to do these days, it’s throw a bitch fit when a celebrity gets away with a crime just because they’re a celebrity. Take for example the situation with Paris Hilton. People were all pissed off when it looked like she might get off having only served one day behind bars, because the judge thought she might hang herself in her cell or some shit. As if.
Though I suppose I’m slightly more famous than the rest of you bitches, I’m pretty far from being a celebrity myself, and I definitely don’t have any money. If, god forbid, I was to get caught driving drunk this weekend (because I might have to), this would probably be the last you’d hear from me for a while. But I figured it might be interesting, on a Friday afternoon, to try to make a case for celebrity justice.
Just to keep things hip-hop (though Paris Hilton did once put out a rap record) let’s use Snoop Dogg as an example. Because he loves to smoke weed, Snoop Dogg gets busted by 5-0 every once in a while, but he usually manages to escape with just a slap on the wrist. To hear Suge Knight tell it, this is because Snoop Dogg is a police informant, but I prefer to believe it’s because he has a shiteload of money.
Recently though, Snoop Dogg hasn’t been nearly as fortunate. I don’t know if it’s because the valuable service he allegedly provides to the police only counts here in the US, or if cops in foreign countries are just more racist than the LAPD (which, admittedly, would seem less than likely), but so far this year he’s already been banned from both the UK and Australia, as if he was a terrorist or some shit. (He’s not even a Muslim!) Which just seems insane, as far as I’m concerned.
The situation in the UK seems especially egregious once you consider that that’s where motherfucking Pete Doherty is from. On the outside chance that you ‘bags aren’t familiar with Pete Doherty, even though pretending as if you like rock music is supposed to be in this year, he’s this cracka-ass cracka who sniffs blow the same way that Snoop Dogg smokes weed, which is constantly. He’s what my father likes to refer to as a miracle of modern medicine.
In fact, this motherfucker’s been arrested so many times (in the past two years, mind you) that his arrest record even has its own Wikipedia entry. Not even Snoop Dogg can claim as much. Obviously it’s going to be that much more difficult to ban someone from the country of their birth, but you’d think that if this guy can smoke crack and shoot heroin and do all types of other shit and basically get away with it, Snoop Dogg should at least be able to show up, smoke some weed, bang a couple of white chicks and go home.
If there’s a difference, it’s that Snoop Dogg sometimes packs a weapon and travels with an entourage and sometimes gets into violent confrontations at the airport. And you’ll recall that back in the early ’90s he had his weed carrier kill a guy, though I’m pretty sure they got away with that. The thing is, Snoop Dogg probably does have a legitimate cause to fear getting robbed by some jealous chain snatcher, or, god forbid, being assassinated by Suge Knight as if he was Biggie and Tupac. But still, he’s probably not doing himself any favors traveling with such a gully bunch. And obviously there’s no good reason he should ever get caught with the bag in his possession.
My theory, with regard to drug laws, is this: I could give a rat’s ass whether or not some d-bag decides to “get nice;” but obviously the reason this country has such strict drug laws (other than racism) is that people have proven time and time again that they can’t indulge their love of various illicit substances without fucking with people’s cars, breaking in people’s houses, robbing and killing people and what have you. It may not sound fair, but the truth of the matter is that people like Snoop Dogg and Pete Doherty, who have the means to get as fucked up as they want without stealing anything, don’t pose much of a threat to the rest of us. As such, I could care less how easily and how often they get away with it.