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Free Akon

Around the time the last Akon album came out, he did a buncha interviews in which he claimed that his full name is Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam. In fact, it even says as much in his Wikipedia entry to this day.

But from what I understand, the guy’s real name is just Alioune Badara Thiam. I’m not sure what all of the rest of those words mean, but it’s been confirmed that the phrase “damala bouga time puru” means “I want to fuck you” in Wolof, an African language in which Akon is fluent.

Which is pretty hilarious as far as I’m concerned. In fact, I’ve even been known to claim that my own African name, Bol, is Swahili for the gulliest one (for what it’s worth, we don’t know for a fact that it isn’t now do we?), though I’d like to note that I came up with my ruse long before he did.

In addition to our African names and our desire to make love to women, I also learned today that Akon and I were both born in the same city, and in the same year even. It’s a small world, I swear. Nullus, just in case.

However, the two of us begin to differ in that Akon has recently been charged with engaging in a lewd sexual act with an underage girl, while yours truly has only fantasized about such while riding around in my minivan.

In case you haven’t heard, Akon was recently dropped like a bad habit from his partnership with Verizon after a video surfaced of him giving a 14 year-old girl the full-on Discovery Channel treatment while on stage at a concert in Trinidad.

Supposedly, Akon told the girl to come up on stage because she had won a trip to Africa as part of a dance contest, which is yet another sign that Akon may have a bright career ahead of him in comedy should this whole music thing dry up.

Now the girl’s daddy, who’s supposedly some sort of preacher, is all pissed. Authorities in Trinidad are said to be “launching an investigation,” which I took to mean “awaiting blood money from Akon’s label. That’s how things work in the Third World, right?

Here’s the thing: This incident took place in an 18 and over venue. How was Akon supposed to know there were middle school-age girls in the audience?

I could see if the girl got raped or something, but all he did was dance with her. From what I understand, there’s nastier shit that takes place at your average 8th grade mixer here in the States. If you watch the video, it’s not like she tried to fight back or anything.

If anything, it’s too bad that we live in an age when someone like Michelle Malkin can go on the O’Reilly Factor talking shit about people and the next thing you know they’re out of a job.

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