A few months ago there was a huge news story about how Barack Obaama’s DNA established the white side of his lineage. As if that wasn’t obvious enough by looking at dude. The truth about DNA that nobody is really discussing is that you can use it to draw connections between humans and our non-human predecessors. DNA establishes the “missing link” between man and animals. Christian conservative politicians don’t want that type of information circulated through the media, but your favorite blogger’s favorite blogger, Billy X. Sunday, has a young scientist chemistry kit that he has used to do secret lab tests on the DNA of your favorite rappers.

Instead of telling you obvious stuff like Diddy’s relatives once owned slaves or that Eminem is actually a lightskinned Black male I dug deeper into the scientific wormhole to find out which animals your favorite rappers have evolved from. I use the term ‘evolved’ very loosely. Let’s see what some of my results are…

Jay-Z = humpback camel
This one was too easy.

Puff Diddy = great white shark
Everyone that has gotten in the tank with Diddy has lost at least a limb. Jennifer Lopez isn’t hot any longer, the Lox are no longer the best rap group, Shyne is still in jail, Ma$e is gay, and we all know what happened to B.I.G.

Rich Boy = random bird
You ever see this dude with no shirt on?

Busta Rhymes = coyote
The older he gets the less he can be domesticated. He’s the most likely to bite off the hand of his trainers too.

Jeezy = seal
My grandfather told me to never trust a Black man that doesn’t have a moustache.

Lil’ Wang = squirrel
Dude likes nuts in his mouth. I don’t say that to be funny, I’m just repeating what he said on the track right here.

Lil’ Kim = chameleon
I haven’t seen Kim in a minute and if she is still fucking around with that plastic surgeon then Lord knows what she looks like now.

Eve = fox
The finest chick in the rap game. Evar.

Kanye West and Pharell Williams = Peacocks
Could it be all the colorful tight tee shirts? Yep.

Science is fun when you use it for good. Next week we’ll figure out which rappers are most likely to have several banned substances in their bloodstreams.