First of all, if you haven't seen Lil' Mama's video for her hot new single "Lip Gloss," you're going to want to check that out. Not because it's good or anything, but because it will be key to understanding the rest of this post. Pitchfork posted it today to their usually pretty decent Forkcast new music blog. (Needless to say, they're fucking in love with it.)

The plot of said video in a nut shell: Lil' Mama complains to her mother that she just doesn't seem to have what it takes to make it with the cool crowd at school. Her mother responds by giving her a thing of lip gloss. Lil' Mama puts the lip gloss on and suddenly becomes the most popular girl in the school. Hmm...

*thinks about all the most popular girls at his own high school*

Three and a half minutes later...

The idea of a girl putting on magic lip gloss and suddenly becoming the most popular girl in school seems innocent enough, in a Disney Channel sort of way, but I think the incident last year with Cassie's "Me & U," which is all about her oral sex technique, proves that you can never be too sure when it comes to these kiddie pop records.

Indeed, I'm pretty sure Lil' Mama's "Lip Gloss" is yet another kiddie pop record that's secretly all about oral sex. Think about it: what kind of guy do you know who would develop a crush on a broad because she wore a certain brand of lip gloss?

One thing you'll notice though is that Lil' Mama sports a ridonkulous set of DSLs in the "Lip Gloss" video. And if you think about it, what's the point of lip gloss anyway other than to signal to guys that you give a mean mouth hug? I mean, if all you wanted to do is make sure your lips don't get dry and cracked, there's always ChapStick.

Another reason young girls rock lip gloss these days is to attend so-called rainbow parties, in which girls compete to see how deep they can take a guy's schlong in their throats. The way it works is that they all wear different shades of lip gloss and compare who can leave a mark the furtherst along a guy's rod.

Prediction: If "Lip Gloss" becomes a big hit (and here's praying to Allah that it doesn't) we'll be treated to yet another round of alarming stories about rainbow parties as well as any number of other such deviant sexual bullshit that kids are into, like these poor bastards who die doing that thing where you damn near choke yourself to death and then jerk off.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the whole point of "Lip Gloss" anyway: ruffle a few feathers with stories of young girls blowing people, sell a million records, then take the money and run. As was the case with the Cassie record, Lil' Mama herself might not even be in on the song's secret meaning, but I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here.