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Pop Goes The Weasel…

There’s a saying in psychoanalytical circles that the gun represents a phallic symbol and it’s reverence and worship by some is because of their lack of an actual penis. I suppose if that were true then we’d see way more girl gun freaks but since that isn’t the case why do you suppose so many rappers are enamored with them? Come to think of it, the dude who speaks about guns the least is the only real shooter in the rap game. Everyone else says that they have the Calico on them, but in reality they’re just styling.

I’ve been to a shooting range once. My peeps in Stone Mountain took me to some spot in a strip mall where you could bust your gats like it was nothing. The one thing I learned is how lousy a shot I am. Even with a relatively small pistol like a nine-millimeter you have to hold the firearm with two hands if you really want to hit the target. You could use one hand if you wanted, but then you’d just be styling.

Rappers love to use metaphors to describe how deadly accurate they are when they spit their rhymes. So far Cassidy is the only dude who’s not lying. I wonder if some of these gun-fetishizing rappers would be hardbody enough to pick up a firearm and fight for the freedom to continue throwing their cash up in the air and pouring champagne down girl’s backs? Which gun do you think these posers would be most likely to choose?

Calico – Or the ‘Cal’ as some have taken to calling this combo pistol rifle. The original Calico first appeared in Hip-Hop lyrics in the early 1990’s, but the U.S. based company that was manufacturing them at the time didn’t have the business savvy to capitalize on cross-branding with rap artists. The newly designed Calico is a beast of a submachine gun because it can hold over a hundred rounds in its cylindrical cartridge. Unfortunately, not one of those rounds will be polysyllabic.

AK-47 – Did you know that the AK-47 has been in production since 1940? That means that Jay-Z may have owned one when he as a teenager in the 1950’s. This rifle was designed by some Russian dude named Kalashnikov, and if you know anything about the Russians then you know how hardbody they keep shit. The AK-47 is the most commonly manufactured assault rifle in the world. Yeah, it’s illegal in the U.S., but so is anything that’s any fun.

Beretta – This is one of the favorite weapons for rappers because of it’s rhymeability with words like, ‘go getter’, ‘better’ and the gold standard ‘Jetta’.. Ironically, the Beretta is actually not even the premiere 9mm handgun. The Sig Sauer pistol is more widely chosen for its reliability and ease of use. The biggest advantage that I see for rappers is that Sig Sauer can rhyme easily with ‘needs lawyer’ and that is who you will be on the phone with if the police find this in your car during a routine racial profiling traffic stop.

Mossberg – In the Hip-Hop lexicon every shotgun is called a Mossberg, although they manufacture a specific 12 gauge model. Much like the way all pistols are referred to as ‘gats’ even though I don’t think Gatling even makes guns any longer. Shotguns are good for shit like drive bys when you know you don’t have good aim but you just want to strike some fear in the ‘hood and possibly kill a little girl bystander.

Mac-10 – These are some special forces type joints that only super slick SWAT teams fucks with. If you get that round barrel sound suppressor your joint will make that budda-budda-budda lowkey noise like in the movies. I think that a key element to keeping it real as a rapper is when you can do shit like in the movies.

Smif-N-Wessun – I just seen these dudes do a show with the whole Bootcamp Clik minus Buckshot. The gun company sued these dudes to change their names because they didn’t want their product associated with people dying in the streets, because that’s not what guns do. I hope Disney ends up buying Smith and Wesson.

I won’t get amped when I hear a rapper talking about shooting shit up until someone gets on that futuristic shit and raps about a laser gun. How sick would a laser gun be in the rap game right now? Quiet as it’s kept, I’ll bet you a dime to a dollar that your boy Diddy has one, and he’s just waiting for someone to throw a wad of money at his face so he can pull his shit out.

As your favorite blogger would say, “Nullus to this entire post.”

UPDATE: Charles Bronson from ‘Death Wish’ in the best commercial. Evar!

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