How Joss Stone got her groove back

You’re going to want to put on your tin foil hats for this one, but here’s something that occurred to me the other day: What if this story about Joss Stone fucking Raphael Saadiq for tracks is nothing but a ruse by the TIs to make us all really, really jealous of Raphael Saadiq – not so much to boost the former D’Angelo producer’s career, but to make us all run out and cop this god-awful new Joss Stone album?

(If the thought alone doesn’t excite you, then check out this picture. Your denial is beneath you.)

If you’re not familiar with the story, another R&B producer, Dallas Austin, whom you’ll recall spent some time in a motherfucking Dubai prison for trying to smuggle blow into the United Arab Emirates, which is just plain batshit, did an interview in which he suggested that both Joss Stone and Christina Aguilera fuck producers for tracks. In fact, I believe his exact words were, “All these bitches be fuckin’ for tracks.”

Roffle.

To his credit, it’s not like anyone from either the Joss Stone or the Raphael Saadiq camps has come out and said for a fact that she didn’t offer services in exchange for, um, services. And there is that picture of her straddling his old ass and staring into the camera as if to say, “Yeah, I fucked Raphael Saadiq for some tracks and you know what? It was everything I expected it would be. Well, not so much the tracks themselves as the mythical sensation of having a black man’s schlong inside me.”

Uggh… nullus!

After the comments became a minor scandal, which just so happened to coincide with the release of Joss’ new Introducing Joss Stone (hmm…), Dallas Austin issued an apology in which he didn’t actually deny that anything he said was true, but admitted that putting it out there like that probably wasn’t a very good idea business-wise. So yeah, whatever. Either way, I’m definitely considering a career as a R&B producer, if this blogging and working at the BGM thing doesn’t work out.

And here’s two things that occurred to me that I’ve yet to see discussed in any other media outlets.

a) As long as there’s been hip-hop-inflected R&B music, I’ve never heard of anyone complaining that female singers were fucking producers for tracks until just now. For example, you never hear Diddy bragging about the time he bagged Mary J. Blige during the My Life sessions. Should we take this to mean that the concept of fucking a producer for a track is specific to white R&B singers?

b) If we know for a fact that Christina Aguilera fucks for tracks and that her last album was produced in part by DJ Premier, does that mean DJ Premier fucked Christina Aguilera? I know he hasn’t been nearly as productive in the past couple of years, but I took that to mean that maybe he either ran out of ideas or something was wrong with his sampler. But maybe he’s just really satisfied in a way that the rest of us will never know.

  • C.Rob

    hilarious

  • E AKA THE REAL NORIEAGA

    Christina and Joss Stone can both get it.

  • thoreauly77

    so did all these girls have to fuck that “whats goin on” chick a few years back? it seems to all make sense now! thanks dallas austin! all of this information leads me to this inevitable conclusion: i totally should start doing cocaine, like, a lot.

  • Fernando

    Raphael Saadiq needs to drop another album. His last ish was nice.

    Joss Stone doesnt do it for me. Xtina’s nasty self would get it though. You know there is nothing she wouldnt do. Joss just looks like a dirty wench that doesnt shave.

  • Fernando

    So the only reasonable conclusion I can come to is that Timbaland has stabbed lots and lots of pussss

  • Hollywood

    im gay

  • Incilin

    So wait, did Nelly Furtado fuck Timberland who produced most of her album?? Did Justin Timberlake fuck Timberland for his album?? I wonder……

  • Bang

    you KNOW that Missy was fucking them hoes too!!

  • The DJ Formerly Known as N-CREDIBLE

    i dont know about all that but if it is the case…my goal is to become the best most demanded producer in the biz and i wanna do a whole album with Beyonce…we’ll call it “Black on Both Sides”…i know it is MosDef’s but hey Jay did it with Blueprint…i got a few tracks for you to MJB, and Alicia Keys…

  • EReal

    LMFAO @ Inci & Bang

    Dayam. What a hilarously pointless post.

    Just another post from Bol daydreaming about baggin up white bitches.

    1 hunned.

  • Rap thang

    niggas love some white pussy.

  • FLIP

    LMAO

  • yaboy

    Rey Says:

    March 22nd, 2007 at 12:56 pm
    I’m a short fat puerto rican who just happens to rap
    3 qualities most mediums just happen to lack
    cuz I’m not a white guy with a benz and 6 pack
    I guess that’s why I’m never where all the chicks at
    I don’t drive a beamer or even a brand new sentra
    if a girl walked up to me I’d be like “Ma, who sent ya?”
    cuz when I flip on a channel like MTV
    I don’t see anyone who ever looks like me
    Maybe cuz my vocab don’t contain the word, “BRO!”
    and I don’t even know what it’s like to burn ‘Dro.
    Perhaps it’s my superior attention span
    or that I have to pay loans on extention plans
    but then they have the balls to show “The Real World”
    programming shows that only appeal to 14 year old Girls
    But It’s ok, Rey, like Good Golly Miss Molly
    What’d you expect from the team that brought you “Sifl & Olly”?
    My Super Sweet 16? Man, there’s no excuse
    I think it’s time I flipped channels over to Fuse

    (yes, I wrote that)

  • DaMan
  • thatwhitedude

    i for one would love to bang joss stone, but then again i got a thing for the underdog…

  • capitalP

    yeah Bol i heard Ricky Martins gonna put out a new album, maybe you can trade tracks for puerto rican pork barrel

  • WC Repper

    Co-sign EREAL that this post was a waste of everyone’s time. It’s sad that BOL gets paid to do this. As for Yaboy, I’m with you homey. As a Mexicano, I feel the real meaning to some of your words. Hip hop isn’t just a two sided coin but I guess we’ll have to show them again that Latinos/chicanos are strong not only in numbers but in desire to be heard and felt! Wake the fuck up America, you’re living in black and white but brown’s everywhere!!!!

  • http://www.allhiphop.com Rey

    So, just for the record, anytime I do anything on the internet, regardless of where or why, some asshole is gonna run to show Ashlee Crawford over here? Gotcha. You fuckers have got to get out more, cuz this is really sad now. Good job, Bol. Your career, such as it is, has been reduced to having a bunch of kids dance around asking you to make fun of little old me. Pathetic. UNO!

  • Fernando

    Damn Rey,

    You never post anything. But then the second somebody drops your name, you burst out the closet like Robert Kelly.

    I wonder if Transient is somewhere out there lurking?

  • king blair

    i rather have cash than pussy i can always buy pussy later an still have money left over

  • sukedown

    Don’t let ‘em see you sweat, Rey.

    No above stated lyrics.

  • Adam K

    Joss Stone: Still hot, still not bad musically, and still hot

  • http://haha asdf

    great blog.

  • http://xxlmag.com Billy X. Sunday

    When Dallas Austin said “All these bitches be fuckin’ for tracks” do you think he only meant women? When you hear that some of these rappers are looking for new producers do you think that is a consioderation?

    Nullus to this entire comment, of course?

  • New York Nigga

    lmao U KNO PREMIER HIT THAT WHITE GIRL! NIGGAZ GOT WHITE FEVER!

  • che

    bol producing? bol trust me, ur gna die a virgin. just accept it.

  • http://www.ShomiOnline.com Shomi

    LMFAO @ Billy X. Sunday.

    Artists fuckin producers for tracks?…Oh what a job this is!

  • dat coon nigga

    all them whits hos be fuckinh r n b coon ass niggaz its nothing new look at tina marie and rick james and many other ho’s

  • EnglandRepresent

    I’m a short fat puerto rican who just happens to rap
    3 qualities most mediums just happen to lack
    cuz I’m not a white guy with a benz and 6 pack
    I guess that’s why I’m never where all the chicks at
    I don’t drive a beamer or even a brand new sentra
    if a girl walked up to me I’d be like “Ma, who sent ya?”
    cuz when I flip on a channel like MTV
    I don’t see anyone who ever looks like me
    Maybe cuz my vocab don’t contain the word, “BRO!”
    and I don’t even know what it’s like to burn ‘Dro.
    Perhaps it’s my superior attention span
    or that I have to pay loans on extention plans
    but then they have the balls to show “The Real World”
    programming shows that only appeal to 14 year old Girls
    But It’s ok, Rey, like Good Golly Miss Molly
    What’d you expect from the team that brought you “Sifl & Olly”?
    My Super Sweet 16? Man, there’s no excuse
    I think it’s time I flipped channels over to Fuse

    ^^Actually they’re decent lyrics Rey, props, and fuck any nigga who says otherwise.

    Yaboy you’re a straight herb son, you quick to clown on every other fucker and call everyone else a herb…….man up chief, if you ain’t 18 don’t act like it straight up…….

  • Pingback: XXLmag.com | Hip-Hop On A Higher Level | » Doing Beats for Pro Bono…

  • brooklyn stand up

    good point about black producers not talking about fucking r & b singers. pharell didnt talk about fucking Kelis

  • NickeNitro

    It’s probably a given that Justin Timberlake has blown and taken it up the ass from Timbaland on a number of occasions.

  • Quan

    Can you smell the hate? Dallas is just mad that no one has been calling him for tracks lately. Why should Stone or Saadiq’s camps even dignify those statements with a comment?

  • http://yoyo billblackfish

    Hey Bol Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

  • BIGNAT

    YES BOL THIS IS THE SHIT I AM TALKING ABOUT MORE BLOGS LIKE THIS PLEASE

  • Who the F cares?

    Really, who cares if they’re boning their producers for tracks? This sure as hell isn’t the first time a musician of some type got laid by some chick looking to get some work.

    Most of the time I assume anyone famous has already got on their knees for a few exec types anyway. Might as well let everyone get a piece of it.