When it comes to my thoughts about the Grammy Awards, I’m mostly anti-Kanye and pro-Chubb Rock—fuck ‘em, they don’t mean shit to me. I know less than a handful a folks who actually vote in the damn thing and it seems like just a bunch of old clueless White farts trying to tell me what’s hot. But fresh off the plane from Canada, I decided to give this overblown spectacle a chance before some much-needed shut-eye.

In case, you were smart enough to pass this by, here are the highlights: Rocking the ill fake eyelashes, Mary J. Blige did get her due. JT the Bigga Figga proved he’s running this music shit. Pilot Cee-Lo Green almost slipped and busted his ass. Rhianna’s green dress. Chris Brown was outshined by a lil’ munchkin dancer. And the Dixie Chicks won all the big awards. Didn’t know Rick Rubin (who beat Will.I.Am for best producer) was behind the boards on their shit? So I guess in some bizarre way with the former Def Jam co-founder co-signing these country gals, hip-hop won! Yeah right.

The big rap winner of the night (at least on camera) was a very emotional Ludacris. Like Mary he finally got his shine on and won best Rap Album and proceeded to thank everyone from his ailing father (no jokes—we extend our prayers) to playful shout-outs to Bill O’Reilly and Oprah. The Ludameister came away with 2 awards, Chamillionaire got some hardware to join his MTV award and T.I. matched his former rival with a couple of trophies his damn self. Too bad the trap star was too Black for CBS.

That’s right, the best-selling rapper of the year got the shaft like Richard Roundtree. And with no acceptance speech for us to see, YN has taken the liberty to present to you what he feels like Tip’s one would be. And it goes a lil’ something this:

“Hey, bruh, ah man, when I said I was the king of the south, a lot of people doubted me especially this lil’ leprechaun-wearing dude who’s career I murdered. Hey Flipper, I seen your new video with Lyfe Jennings, and it’s hot garbage, patna. You ain’t never coming back. Anyway let’s keep the proceedings positive, I don’t want to say anything that may violate my probation, ya dig? I wanna thank Tiny I know I’ve put you through hoops but I love ya gurl. To all my kids, Tip is for the children. I wanna thank my partner Jason Geter. The Grand Hustle staff. The entire Atlantic Records staff. Lyor Cohen, Julie Greenwald, Kevin Likes, Mike Kyser, Craig Kallman, my publicist Sydney. And speaking of media, I just want to thank the boy YN and the entire XXL staff, for putting me and my crew on the cover. Your timing was impeccable. To all my artists Big Kuntry Caine, Young Dro… B.G. get your mind right bruh, do as I say and do as I do and I’ll take your career where it needs to be. To DJ Drama, we got your back there, patna. We got the best lawyers behind you and we will be exonerated of any and all charges there, bruh. Federal agents mad but we ain’t flagrant. You can’t stop the King and you can’t stop his patnas, patna. Rest in peace, to Philant Johnson, all you disrespectful cats on the Internet, like ole boy on the Parker Report, die a thousand deaths. To Justin, hey who was shawty no-name on stage with us? She’s no Jennifer Hudson or Jennifer Holliday… Anyway, stay up, it’s The King!”

P.S. I guess Wyclef and his new haircut are riding with Shakira til the wheels fall off. I don’t blame him. She can really shake that money maker.