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u a faggit ass nigga, lupe

Wow, if this new guest blogger of the week program is going to turn into nothing but a series of whiny no-talents all launching into extended bitchfits about yours truly, as if I’m the reason they can’t make it in the record industry, this could get pretty damn tedious pretty damn quickly. At least for myself anyway.

I don’t mean to suggest that these d-bags couldn’t come up with anything else worth writing about if they wanted to (hint: stealing from okayplayer works wonders), but maybe Elliott can have one of the Puerto Rican broads from the print version of the magazine sit down with them and work on some ideas. Surely, 50 Cent must have some sort of new project in the works.

Ironically, I find myself longing for the days when it was just DJ Drama and his spectacular wars with the English language. As awful as he was, at least you only had to deal with him every now and again, usually when he had some new shit coming out. Presumably, his college (albeit an HBCU) didn’t have a strong writing program and/or an admissions policy that required literacy.

Wait, I get it: DJ Drama is one of these white people that got into an historically black college on some reverse affirmative action ish. I bet they even gave him a full ride scholarship. Again, I can’t knock the hustle. Get yours, nigga.

Er, whitey.

Meanwhile, I’m not sure what’s the deal with your boy Lupe Fiasco. Here I am under the impression that he’s one of these Muslim, bean pie-eating jigs who are into kung fu and, um, hating Jews. But next thing you know, here he is calling me all kinds of dreaded n-words and threatening to jump off in my ass or some such. No Malcolm X rubbing talcum powder on a white man’s balls.

Lupe, cool your jets you Muslim fruit. My name is Bol Crawford, not Bol Goldstein. Clearly, I’m not your enemy here. I can understand you’re upset because your shit has been bootlegged not once, but twice now, and the label has probably sunk so much money into it that no one will ever make a dime from it other than Jay-Z and Lyor Cohen (the real enemy), but obviously you can’t blame that shit on me.

The truth of the matter is that you weren’t about to make much from this shit anyway. Even if it hadn’t been bootlegged to death on two separate occasions, how many people do you really think were about to run out and cop Food and Liquor? Your Jay-Z record is some wack shit, and it’s been months now since the two separate occasions when MTV played the video for “Kick, Push.”

Don’t be pissed at me because your entire career, such as it is, is part of some convoluted scheme to make it seem as if Atlantic Records didn’t make any money during fiscal year 2006. That’s just how these Jews operate. For what it’s worth, Talib Kweli’s career has been on the skids since ’02, and you should see his girlfriend. I never wanted to be a rapper so bad in my life.

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