You’re Only As Funky As Your Last Cut

Though I'm still of the opinion that what Jive Records can do with a razored dildo is not fit to speak in front of you children, I'm willing to go public with the fact that I genuinely enjoy "Sexyback."(a)

Now, the kinds of guys who think their opinions matter simply because they can properly type them out on a keyboard(b) seem to be coming down on Timbaland, saying that the beat is recylcled like so much of SOHH's news section, but I don't get it. Granted, "Sexyback" is no "Brush Your Shoulders Off"(c) but it's not that much more derivative than anything else he's ever done. Mind you, I'd have to be drunker than usual to dance to something that close to Euro-Wave, but, Hell, what else is alcohol for(d)?

Even if Justin's voice sounds like he's going through puberty, his maneuverings are still more impressive than the vocal stylings of, say, Kelis or Cassie, who just can't sing. At all.

Seriously. The only thing worse than Cassie, who can't sing, performing live, is Cassie, who can't sing, performing live and bringing out Yung Joc, who can't rap.

Now, I've never strangled a dehydrated and wounded baby seagull to death under a hot sun, but I'm sure it would sound more melodic than that trick.

Speaking of mercy killings...

How anyone can look at the tracklisting to Idlewild and consider it an "Outkast" album is beyond me. Seriously, The Documentary was more of a 50 Cent album than Idlewild is an Outkast album. Still, the more I learn about this album soundtrack compilation, the more respect I have for these guys and the less I see they have for our intelligence.

Obviously, sometime around Aquemini, their second best album after Southernplayisticadillacmuzik(e), Dre hit Big Boi with the, "It's not you, it's me,"(f) and Big Boi countered with the whole "I can change. Just tell me what to do."(g)

Through Stankonia(h), it was like Cedric and Marla Daniels keeping up appearances for the good of the whole, out of loyalty and obligation, out of love, pride and sensibility. Pun intended, they stayed together for the sake of you, the children. There's a lot to be admired in that. But now, it's just, well...

Dudes, it's past the point of plausibility. No one's saying that you hate each other or anything. But still. We think it's time that you moved on. Or at least have Big Boi expand his reading material.

Seriously. A quarter of the album has been "leaked" onto les internetes and I don't think anyone's been impressed outside of the apologists and Stans who think that Speakerboxx/ The Love Below was like finding chocolate in their peanut butter, or something. Like, you know it's a problem when Tom Breihan doesn't like it. I mean, he even liked "Deja Vu," which is pretty damned inexcusable.

P.S. -- Nas & Kelis: Blindfold me. Then shoot me. She can't sing. But I'm starting to think that doesn't matter anymore.

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(a) And, because I'm actually a racist, you must know it hurts me to admit I like a song where a whyte man talks about shackles, whippings and slavery.

(b) Which, in all actuality, places them rungs above most of you children in intelligence.

(c) Or whatever you children can agree that his good songs are supposed to be.

(d) Think about it.

(e) I have half a mind to explain why I say such a thing. And if I choose to do so, it'll probably be on the 27th, which will be the 10th anniversary of ATLiens, the third best Outkast album, and two days after the release of Idlewild (the movie), by which time I should have downloaded a bootleg.

(f) Which, unfortunately, never works, even when it's the truth.

(g) Which they never stick to, anyway.

(h) Six years ago, mind you.