This one’s for the ladies!

Like every other bored rap critic, I’ve been listening to Port of Miami for the last couple days. I keep almost losing my lunch every time I get to the requisite for-the-ladies joint “Hit U From the Back,” which might just be the worst example of one of the worst trends in hip-hop today. 

Why is it that every rapper out feels the need to drop a cringe-worthy, corny-ass “girl record”? Label execs and clueless trap stars alike don’t seem to get that the gimmick rarely does anything for us.

Basically there are three types of thug pillow talk tracks. One works. One sort of works. The last one? Not at all. And 90% of girl records fall into that last category.

So, for all the rappers out there who fancy themselves contenders for Ladies’ Man of the Year, here’s a little breakdown of what we actually think of your attempts to reach us:

1. The appealing girl record
MySpace mixtape rappers and Southern dope boys, please take note. Only a very small minority can pull the for-the-ladies routine off. Mos Def did it with “Ms. Fat Booty.” 50 Cent did it with “21 Questions,” and more recently, T.I. definitely did it with “Why You Wanna.” These dudes succeeded because they grasped one of the Golden Rules of Game: you catch more bees with honey than vinegar. On wax, most women want you to push up without being crude, and at least pretend that you’re interested in a little romance. Vulgar Hit & Run groupie anthems—while they might make you look like a certified player to your Stans—don’t count as game to females. Guys that have sex regularly tend to know this.

2. The officially appalling (but, unfortunately, extremely danceable) girl record
Otherwise known as The Loophole. Joey from Straight Bangin’ recently referred to this as the “feign outrage but still lose your shit on the dance floor” genre. These are the sexist songs that we can’t stand, but somehow find ourselves shaking our asses to on the dance floor. Hypocrisy, it’s true. But it’s important to note that, again, only a select few can pull this off. Unless you are armed with the charm of a young Bill Clinton, plus the most ridiculous beats ever, don’t expect us shake our booties against our better judgment. More likely than not, you’ll find yourself in the last category…

3. The straight-up nauseating girl record
“Hit U From the Back” lives in this zone. One would be hard pressed to find a more eye-rolling, lame, cheese ball attempt to cultivate a female fanbase. As Fresh already pointed out, a sweaty, bald, fat dude like Rick Ross is hardly heartthrob material. I don’t know whose bright idea it was to have the word cock barked repeatedly in the background of the chorus, but it’s not hot. And what the eff is up with the “flip you like you’re crack” foreplay? Last time I checked, crack was decidedly un-sexy. Jeezy’s “Tear It Up” isn’t much better. Newsflash: sounding like you barely tolerate the woman you’re sexing is not exactly a turn on. For real.

  • http://www.trendsettazinc.com DJ Main Event

    preach. sad part is that this is gonna continue for quite sometime until people get it or people speak up about lame shit such as this.

    the plus side being, that im learning what works (common sense if you know how women/people in general work) if i ever decide to put out an album.

  • the dough

    Oh DJ Main Event, please bless the masses with your album. Each passing day without your heavenly disc is agony.

  • http://xxlmag.com Bol

    Yeah, I’m sure Rick Ross and Young Jeezy never get laid…

  • http://www.trendsettazinc.com DJ Main Event

    i was joking about the album part man, relax. if you want a cd that badly get @ the local bootleggers.

  • Average Black Joe

    >Vulgar Hit & Run groupie anthems—while they might make you look like a certified player to your Stans—don’t count as game to females. Guys that have sex regularly tend to know this.

    *Taking notes*

  • thoreauly77

    truth. but gosh darn its awesome when the female rappers objectify themselves! seriously though, its not just the “girl” songs these guys are making, its the fact that the majority of them arent making anything timeless or tasteful. there IS NOTHING cool about crack and there IS NOTHING cool about derogatory songs toward females from a man that has probably only gotten laid since he started selling crack and rap, which actually says very little for both genders….. and humans in gender. oh well fuck it, at least we wont have to hear about him or his music much longer…

  • thoreauly77

    er, humans in general…

  • mod

    i don’t know.
    hit u from the back is one of the hottest songs off “port of miami.”
    while it’s decidedly misogynistic, you can’t deny 3 things: sauteeing the shrimp, the damn near amazing beat, and the memorable lyrics.
    i also fail to see how it’s cheesy. to me, bill roberts is bragging mostly about how he buys overpriced jewelry with paris hilton’s name on it. it barely even registers as a remote barry white imitations.
    he’s not even talking to a girl (you, apparently) half the time.

    i thought the sensitive female jam was “get away.”

  • eauhellzgnaw

    Most female rap and r and b fans, like most male ones, don’t give a flying fuck about content. In fact, women lose their shit over misogynistic songs more so than dudes. The dudes simply follow the booty to the dance floor.

    It’s good news for those of us who like to dance with women, but bad news otherwise. How psychologically fucked up do women have to be to not only tolerate this shit, but actively praise it?

    Oh, and it’s not as if only a select few skilled beatmakers and rappers can do these songs successfully. Anybody with a casio, gold teeth, and a disdain for women can. Plus, the beats don’t even have to be good (see lil jon).

  • allnice

    Most of the chicks I know love Big Pimpin, Owe Me back, Ain’t No Fun, Fucking You Tonight, and all the other really misogynistic songs that shit on women. I think this is because women are subconsciously sick of being treated with “respect” (dudes just act nice cause they think its gonna get them some pussy…..wrong!)

    Ms Fat Booty, 21 Questions, and Why You Wanna aren’t nearly as memorable or popular as the songs I just mentioned above, and you know I am right.

    In reality Tara, game ain’t about romance. Unfortunately for broads, game is about saying whateva you gotta say to get that ass. A hood chick is gonna take a different approach than some stuck up college broad, ya dig? Then you have broads that like to pretend they are hood chicks because its in style. So, being an asshole, crude, and misogynistic player will prolly get most dudes more ass than some romance, rico-suave shit……

  • Danja29

    the “girl song” annoys the fuck outta me whenever it’s, you know, OBVIOUSLY “the girl song”. they just seem unnecessary sometimes. And yep… women go for this shit as much as they claim not to. Reminds me of that Chris Rock shit: if the beat is right, she’ll dance all night. “smack with the dick, smack her wit the dick”.

    Oh and you KINDA neglected to mention one of the biggest songs of last year which I’m sure had a GANG of female fans: “The Whisper Song”- one of the most ignant-ass records of all time.

  • http://thecouchsessions.com Stone

    Tara, you got it twisted…

    I can play Back that azz up (or the whisper song or whatever) TONIGHT in any club in my city (DC), black or white and women would crowd the dance floor. Its a fact, women, either from the college or the ‘hood all wanna be strippers (and there ain’t anything wrong with that). The record companies are just givin’ them the ammo.

    So why blame Rick Ross when y’all should blame yourselves?

  • http://www.facebook.com DEDICATION

    who cares!!!!!!!!SEL

  • http://XXLmag.com Brendan

    I liked “Hit u From The Back”…I feel like the Mario Winans record on the Ross album is a much better example of this.

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  • http://www.myspace.com/therapistmusic Therapist

    i mean it doesn’t help the situation when you just can’t rap, period…

    but bitch i’m ricky rosssss…

  • http://www.xxlmag.com/?cat=29 noz

    i thought that voice on the ross record was saying COP-COPULATE?

  • http://myspace.com/starchild10 $tarchild

    and every girl loves Jeezy’s “Tear it Up”

  • Jay W

    Can’t repsect a woman anymore than she respects herself. Shouldn’t respect her any less either though. I know a lot of hoes that Like “Hit U From the back”, I know some quality women who love “the Light”. Theres a market for both. Hit You back is not a bad song. Its just not for women in your market. Good Post Tara.

  • Belize

    wow…i m still fukin laughin..cats in my office think im on crack cuz im still laughing.,..oh well

  • Mr.Me

    Tara, some women dont think like you do. Some think that “The appealing girl records” are too soft. Alot of shorty’s wanna be more thugged out then the niggas these days plus alot of em are gay or bi so they like that hardcore sex rap. You’d be surprise at how many broads like them “straight-up nauseating girl records”. They sing along to the words in the club like its nothin (On some Dave Chappelle skeet skeet shit).

    3zUp!!!

  • http://www.ohword.com Sach

    There’s also the 4th category. the hillariously over the top Miami sex rap that isn’t for the benefit of the ladies (or at least those without a sense of humor) at all.

  • LBDII

    The song was kind of wack to be honest.

  • P-Matik

    And LO, one of the reasons that rap sucks now.

  • http://www.allhiphop.com Rey

    Hey Tara..

    I tend to agree with you there. In album full of bullshit asshole macho posturing with guns and crack and what have you, there’s this insipid attempt at a “joint for the ladies”.

    I think the love songs are mostly cheesy and cliche (ala the Ghey Unit girl odes 21 ?s, curious, karma, special), but harmless.

    It’s worse when it’s the mysoginistic anthems that are nothing more than dudes trying to impress other dudes with how vulgar they can be to women.

    I mean, in ’94 I loved “Ain’t No Fun”, but honestly, if that song came out in ’06 I wouldn’t even make it through past “…before you opened up your gap.”

    Good column, ma. Hopefully these “artists” will take note.

    And no, I’m not a “faggit ass nigga.” I’m also not an asshole.

    UNO!

  • Belize

    u know what..as much as u would like to believe that “tear the pussy up” is made for u baby…its really made for niggaz..this is what we listen to before we get some pussy…hence the name “thug motivation”…we just dont tell yall that…haha

  • tHe tRaNsIeNt

    yea..dat shit is gay, tara, but da take it off (dim the lights) song on da pharrel cd is an even better example of a creepy teen-jerk off fest girl song

  • tHe tRaNsIeNt

    lol @ rey tryna play the sensitive guy role 2 tara like a fukin bitchmade faggit ass nigga

    “good column, ma”

    lmao

  • http://www.allhiphop.com Rey

    Fuck you, Transi. Andy Milonakis motherfucker.

  • tHe tRaNsIeNt

    “It’s worse when it’s the mysoginistic anthems that are nothing more than dudes trying to impress other dudes with how vulgar they can be to women.”

    no wonder yo woman dumped yo wack ass, rey – u a godamn dawsons creek pussy ass nigga

  • http://www.allhiphop.com Rey

    lol..

    You are definitely one of those dudes that spends his time trying to impress other dudes.

    “I rock hoes, ya’ll rock fellas”

  • tHe tRaNsIeNt

    u aint rockin’ shit, nigga, cuz yo woman told yo ass 2 bounce

  • the community herb

    ill Shit… in your moms soup cup.

  • pop a poppa

    all these corny mufuckas on here.
    i don’t know about ya’ll but i fuck
    my bitches dirty.
    you don’t handle yo shit then they gone.
    go ask sensitive REY how many girls he
    had wit that “oh baby i just wanna luv
    you… let me pull your bath water”
    bullshit. lol

  • http://www.allhiphop.com Rey

    *sigh*

    I can only hope to one day be as fuckin’ retarded as you, Transi.

    I’m given Pop the pass cuz I just don’t give a shit right now.

  • http://www.byron.com bol

    Why do you listen to such shit? You call yourself a hip-hop blogger? Serious shit. And women are doing themselves a diservice by putting up with crappy music.

  • http://what? YES

    i think you lost all credibility by stating you’ve been listening to rick ross’s album the past few weeks. seriously, what the fuck do you expect?

  • http://www.myspace.com/kracktheking KR

    >>>Why is it that every rapper out feels the need to drop a cringe-worthy, corny-ass “girl record”? Label execs and clueless trap stars alike don’t seem to get that the gimmick rarely does anything for us.

    Because that’s what sells? Because females buy more albums than males? Duh, ain’t you supposed to be a hip-hop journalist?

  • Meka Soul

    come on now. rick ross? sensitive?

    that’s like trying to correlate benzino with artistic integrity.

  • http://www.allhiphop.com Rey

    lol at MekaSoul

  • MIDWEST MAMI

    RICK ROSS…ROTFL!!! THAT FAT F@CK CAN ONLY LICK THE KITTY…WHAT DIME WANTS HIS OBESE, SWEATY, I’M ABOUT TO HAVE AN ASTHMA & HEART ATTACK SELF ON TOP OR BEHIND THEM. NEGRO PLEASE!!!!

    TARA HE HAS THE GAMED ALL TWISTED!!!

    OH YEAH, FUCK T.I. WACK ASS SONG…WHY U WANNA??? WHY U WANNA FUCK WITH A B!TCH THAT DONE F@CKED CRACKED-OUT FLAVA FLAV??? WHY U WANNA?? LOL

  • MIDWEST MAMI

    TO THE FELLAS:

    YOU KNOW IF THAT WAS A FAT CHICK TALKING ABOUT HOW SHE WANTS TO F@CK YOU…UMM UMM UMM…YOUR VIEWS WOULD CHANGE. XOXO LOL!!!

  • Ogeezy

    Does Tara even have a ass to shake?
    Place your bets.

  • vonte

    thank you ……………I’ma chick and these rappers don’t have to make a love record for a chick to buy their albums. I loved jeezy ” tear that pussy up…….but what attracted me was his whole trap or die movement. Rick Ross…….his gorrilla looking ass! I don’t think he can hit it from the back, that’s just nasty

  • http://SOURCE.COM ONE

    Tara, I can say that I agree with you on most of the things you said but,you women are the ones to blame for these types of songs.there are plenty of artist that make hot shit
    without the dumbass lyrics but the ladies dont seem to be interested in
    them.Take radio for example.The radios
    target audience is women.Most of the people who call and request music are women,and eight times out of ten they’re requesting bullshit!At least thats how it is out here in Cali but I think that the number one problem is that nine out of ten women arent check’n for lyrics any damn way.I will say that while there are a few female heads scattered about.The majority of women just want a beat to shake thier asses to.So maybe it’s the ladies who need to open thier minds afterall……

  • TSF

    Yeah, I definetely think that the Mario song on Port of Miami is the “for the ladie’s” track, not Hit U From the Back.

  • thoreauly77

    tara-
    new blog please. please be the anti-sickamore/bol/noz/kris ex. none of those others count anyhow. except of course for fresh to death.

  • DJ Lucky Luke

    My first “girl song” was about driving off with my woman in my car, turning off the cell phone, ignoring my bros, kissing on the side of the road, etc… It was a diligent effort to keep things PG-13, and I got some nice comments from the ladies on that one, even a couple of kisses after shows…

    My second “girl song” was more of a “fuck song.” It was titled “Power Drill” off the 2006 album, Knockout II: Still Undefeated. –I was talking about washing blood-stains off my clothes before I go to the club–getting high with a model-looking chick with perky tits that’s half-Chinese, Gettin’ head in the club bathroom, gettin’ dome in the car on the way home, and then fuckin’ doggystyle like 4 times at my house, not including the fuck in the shower where I whispered in her ear, “Baby Girl, that was the fuck of my life, you’ll always be welcome here, yeah…”

    I definitely got more play from the first song–It was either my “hot-16″ or when I broke it down and sang on the chorus. “Power Drill” was me playing up the gangsta/playa’ stereotype–twas a great song, but I know the women didn’t feel it but the fellas did and they all began to follow my lead and get head in the club and shit–I started that so y’all know.

    Holla back, Tara…

  • tHe tRaNsIeNt

    ^ get yer own blog, faggit

    aint naan nigga wanna know yo life story

    u da new rey

  • http://www.allhiphop.com Rey

    blah blah blah

  • DJ Lucky Luke

    You just mad ’cause you got to the end and couldn’t remember the beginning, faggit…

  • Miami Monica

    Yeah i agree…. Even worse i had to see Ross perform that song at Mansion for his album release party (In Miami)Anyways…. If that wasnt the most repulsive thing ive EVER seen!!!! Made me walk off the stage and even leave the Club!!!! YUCK!!!! >:-x

  • cam

    imo, “hit u from the back” & especially “tear it up” are the songs for the real niggaz who get it in real well with females to relate to. “hit u from the back” has a nice beat & hook, and “tear it up” is on point overall also, f*** what ya may have heard. most of the dudes i know that ain’t on no square shit know each and every word to “tear it up”. it just depends on how you look at it, but one man garbage is another man’s (including this one’s) treasure…

  • Quita p

    I don’t know what yo ass talkin bout but tear it up is the shit.play that shit in the club all us females go wild

  • http://www.myspace.com/sirjantzversatile Sir Jantz

    I”M NOT A LADY, BUT THIS FOR MY QUEENS

    I understand! Well, at least I think I understand. You are right. There is a lot of degration going on right now but the ladies are doing nothing about it. For one, there is a lot of music out there that shows a women’s inner spirit as well as their beautiful attributs, but we don’t hear does records. Little Brother has a lot of good stuff but critics say “they don’t have commerical appeal”. You got Common . You have Dead Prez (MIND SEX). IT’s a lot of people you can choose from. I think some women like being degraded. I know its sounds far fetched but it is what it is. Some chicks just love attention (really all chicks loves attention). One thing I have noticed is that their ain’t a lot of dancing in the clubs no more. I’m talking on a male to female ratio. Franchise Boys got us leaning and rocking. YOu got the Pool Palace. Cherise just got everybody doing it ( so do it, do it). Still, its not enough songs for the ladies. There are plenty of songs about the ladies but not enough songs for the laides. I think if the ladies want any say-so there needs to be more female emcees. MOre female DJ’s. Women do have power. You guys just have to realize it!!!!!!

  • alleyeCNtower

    rap is full of women-hating “playboys” though, and the ignorance and hypocrisy have daily sessions sucking each other off… cause the bullshit never stops coming!

    it’s pretty sad and lame that “girl” songs almost invariably fall into two categories: ‘i’m a sucker for love songs’ or ‘fuck a bitch and bounce’ songs.

    is there no middle ground for someone who respects the woman they are sticking their penis in?

    rap is outta control

  • chuck

    yo fuck all ya /rick ross is tight especially “push it”

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