Like every other bored rap critic, I’ve been listening to Port of Miami for the last couple days. I keep almost losing my lunch every time I get to the requisite for-the-ladies joint “Hit U From the Back,” which might just be the worst example of one of the worst trends in hip-hop today. 

Why is it that every rapper out feels the need to drop a cringe-worthy, corny-ass “girl record”? Label execs and clueless trap stars alike don’t seem to get that the gimmick rarely does anything for us.

Basically there are three types of thug pillow talk tracks. One works. One sort of works. The last one? Not at all. And 90% of girl records fall into that last category.

So, for all the rappers out there who fancy themselves contenders for Ladies’ Man of the Year, here’s a little breakdown of what we actually think of your attempts to reach us:

1. The appealing girl record
MySpace mixtape rappers and Southern dope boys, please take note. Only a very small minority can pull the for-the-ladies routine off. Mos Def did it with “Ms. Fat Booty.” 50 Cent did it with “21 Questions,” and more recently, T.I. definitely did it with “Why You Wanna.” These dudes succeeded because they grasped one of the Golden Rules of Game: you catch more bees with honey than vinegar. On wax, most women want you to push up without being crude, and at least pretend that you’re interested in a little romance. Vulgar Hit & Run groupie anthems—while they might make you look like a certified player to your Stans—don’t count as game to females. Guys that have sex regularly tend to know this.

2. The officially appalling (but, unfortunately, extremely danceable) girl record
Otherwise known as The Loophole. Joey from Straight Bangin’ recently referred to this as the “feign outrage but still lose your shit on the dance floor” genre. These are the sexist songs that we can’t stand, but somehow find ourselves shaking our asses to on the dance floor. Hypocrisy, it’s true. But it’s important to note that, again, only a select few can pull this off. Unless you are armed with the charm of a young Bill Clinton, plus the most ridiculous beats ever, don’t expect us shake our booties against our better judgment. More likely than not, you’ll find yourself in the last category…

3. The straight-up nauseating girl record
“Hit U From the Back” lives in this zone. One would be hard pressed to find a more eye-rolling, lame, cheese ball attempt to cultivate a female fanbase. As Fresh already pointed out, a sweaty, bald, fat dude like Rick Ross is hardly heartthrob material. I don’t know whose bright idea it was to have the word cock barked repeatedly in the background of the chorus, but it’s not hot. And what the eff is up with the “flip you like you’re crack” foreplay? Last time I checked, crack was decidedly un-sexy. Jeezy’s “Tear It Up” isn’t much better. Newsflash: sounding like you barely tolerate the woman you’re sexing is not exactly a turn on. For real.