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♪Number One♪

Wait a second that doesn’t sound right. Let’s try this again.

♪Number Two♪

Nope that’s not it either. It’s time for a remix Phar-real.

♪Number Three…briii-diick(pause)…low on the charts…sales diiiip♪

It’s not looking good for you out there for Thelonious P (I spelled it right this time!). You can fool some people with your 142,220 first week sales, but not the 80’s Baby. You just caught the mean and viscous flop. Jimmy “Trillion Dollar Budget” Iovine whipped out the uranium card for your album. The first time out you had a million dollar video with a million dollar chain and a million dollar chick doing the chorus. Sound the horns! Warn the children! Styles P your albums! Pharrell is here now!

Then…crickets.

So you did the smart thing and re-grouped. You pushed your album back several times to help build anticipation (I guess). You got back in the streets, linked up America’s number 1 hustler and did a Gangsta Grizzillz. You also re-introduced the Re-up Gang, who now have a great buzz, and got grimey in the "Mr. Me Too" video. With the underground locked, all you needed was that big radio record to take you over the top. Easy enough right? You do only have 683,219,590 hit records, so how hard could it have been to get one more. Got on the bat phone and called the other more successful super producer turned rapper to jump on the first single. It was a no brainer. So unfair! So unreasonable!

Then you went and fucked it all up with that damn video! You just had to start dancing being a giant throbbing green rose didn’t you?! Didn’t you?! The open-shirts, the huge Louie duffel bag, the lack of women…it was all just so wrong.

So the moment of truth came yesterday and a Destiny’s Child reject wiped the floor with you. Not to mention she did it with 1/8 of your budget. To the public you did decent, but you and I know what’s going on. The streets is watching. Next time come hard (pause) or don’t come at all (ayo!). But we love you Pharrell (no homo), so I suggest you drop the Clipse album, another N.E.R.D. album and everyone will forgive you for this: