If you must know, children, for the past few days, I have not been:
- Nearing depression due to the lack of quality, legally available hip-hop longplayers(a) that have come out this season.
- Spending entirely too much time discovering the wonders of Google Earth(b) while fuled by the dirtiest skunk one can find on Flatbush Ave.
- Watching some shirtless dude in the park train pigeons to land on his forearm.
- Lamenting the fact that my so-called best friend has informed me that she will no longer use her clout, charm or T&A to usher me past the bouncers at my favorite spot to get drunk, high, grown and sexy if I continue to insist on wearing sneakers(c).
- Trying to gas myself into finding a way to make an extremely unimpressive rapper seem interesting for the faithful readers of XXL, the magazine(d).
- Renewing my quest to find out what the hell “Belly style” is.
- Watching porn(e).
No children, I’ve been trapped in some sort of nerd prison and fearing that my deepest and darkest secrets will be made public by an unglued wacko who’s purportedly aligned with some of my many part-time haters in order to give me the brand recognition of Troop(f). But, as a wise young man once told me, “You should never wrestle a pig, because the pig has all the fun and all you get is dirty.” I’m pretty sure he got that from the Bible(g).
Still, for the record: El Capitan is the warden, BFred is the CO, but the inmates run this joint. We don’t take hits from anyone and we do what we want, when we want. Who’s gonna stop us? Not a cotdamned one of ya. And you can take that to your urn.
If I said it, I meant it for my reasons and mine alone. Honestly, I find out what Bol’s crazy ass is gonna say at the same time as everyone else(h). There aren’t any strategic meetings and no one here requests, or is required to get, clearance from anyone else to speak their mind. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we don’t. Snakes on a plane. We keep it moving. That’s why there’s a disclaimer on every post.
Now, as for “blog beef,” I personally think it can be fun, creative and entertaining. Competition is always good. But, if I say I’ma slap holy fire out your nose, I’m taking poetic license. I ain’t sending the wolves for no one on the ethernets and I damned sure ain’t doing shiite myself. I’m the Vince Chase of my street fam—I can’t go to jail ’cause them years’ll cost me(i).
Aside from that, I ain’t got much to say. Negro culture is not exciting me these days. Not the radio, not the magazines, street DVDs, movies, mixtapes, albums—none of it. Maybe something that captures my imagination will take place in the next few days. Or maybe I’ll just write why I feel that Southernplayalisticadiiacmuzik is the best Outkast album ever(j). Or expound on why Slick Rick is the greatest rapper of all time(k).
Or maybe I’ll just go back to the park, roll one up and watch that dude with the pigeons again.
To be clear, children: No one here owes any of you a bonobo’s ass. If you’re not feeling us, fine. It costs you nothing: pay us no mind. You can save the huffy pique for your real parents.
UPDATE: Not that it’s particularly good or necessarily legal, but Reebok, whom some people claim hate rap, has some promo-only mixtape they’re giving away. It’s curated by Mick Boogie, hosted by Lupe Fiasco and, naturally, is floating around les internetes. If you use this link to get it, I think you’ll help the boy Gotty cop a new pair of 54-11′s, or something.
You’re gonna have to find your own tracklisting, but I’m sure that one of the really cool children that spend whole days in forums will be able to help you with that.
P.S.— I don’t post these songs because they have breaks or what have you. I actually listen to this shiite. Get your minds right, children.
PlayStation 2— It’s still cuff Jive. All day, every day.
(a) I think it’s safe to say that something went horrifically wrong with Skateboard P’s In My Mind. Dude tried to create a pop album when he shoulda traded his cachet for the avant-garde opus that I’m pretty sure he has in him. Not that such an approach worked for N*E*R*D, but still.
(b) Google Earth + MTV Overdrive almost make the hassles of learning Microsoft’s crappy OS worth it. Almost.
(c) By Zeus, do the words “Limited Edition” mean nothing in this world?
(d) We do it all for you.
(e) Because that would just be wrong.
(f) You think you know, but you have no idea. You need more people. Standard.
(g) Not for nothing, no matter how many times I take that quiz, I remain amazed at some of the kooky-ass shiite that’s in the good book. Crazy pills, indeed.
(h) Most times after, because I don’t live by my RSS reader like some of you children.
(i) But, don’t get me wrong: I’ll lay a nickel down if he force me.
(j) Which it is.
(k) Which he is.