Them Crackers Gon’ Act Like I Ain’t On They Ass

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With each passing day, the frequency with which I question you children’s ability to read increases exponentially. I mean, seriously. I’m surprised you lobotomy candidates could even find this post, what with the front page redesign and all.

And you wonder why your real parents cry every time they see you(a).

Anyhoo, as is becoming my custom, I must say fuck Jive Records. There’s really nothing new to report. I just thought I’d say fuck them, anyway. So, yeah: fuck Jive Records.

And I’m not putting the great “Wamp Wamp” controversy of ’06 on Skateboard P’s head. Or Foxy’s ears. Or Jay’s corporate gulliness. Sometimes these things happen. And if you children don’t manage to kill yourselves while opening a pack of Ramen noodles, you may live long enough to learn that life does not exist in binaries(b).

Speaking of black and whyte, I guess it’s time to visit everyone’s favorite topics: race and class. Oh yes, you degenerates. I’m going there, again.

If you can’t tell, I’m bored this week.

At any rate, I’d like to start things off by saying that I actually liked Blender magazine at one point—kinda, sorta. And I learned many a thing from the Jewish comedian who served as my editor over there. But some time ago, the magazine wrote a faux story on a non-existent rapper. Said story featured “quotes”(c) from the likes of Skateboard “Wamp Wamp” P, Ghost “Face” Killah, Juelz A. Santana and Angie “insert name of ghostwriter here” Martinez. It was even co-signed by some people who should know better.

Apparently, Blender thought this was funny. And, according to the letters page of their latest issue—full of the useless lists, pop punk rock coverage, hipster lite-isms and soft porn that has become their hallmark—they still do(d).

Me, personally, I think they’re just making fun of what people such as myself do to pay the rent, buy loosies and new Adi’s. Maybe I’m just being sensitive(e).

Mind you, I like the idea of fooling internet nerds into searching high and low for a non-existent rapper just as much as the next guy. But not when it comes from a group of people who seem to have little respect or understanding of the lifestyle that they belittle, word to Clyde Smith(f). It all strikes me as a bit hipster-ish. Because, that is, after all, what hipsters do.

And it happens that most hipsters are whyte.

Not that all whyte people are hipsters. Some of them are just straight wiggers. And there’s a cultural war going on between these two factions, all revolving around the proper take on negro culture(g). They both suffer from the same sense of entitlement, it’s just that hipsters think it’s cool to mock the darkies whereas wiggers just emulate them wholesale. Where wiggers will know more about Rawkus than I do, hipsters know nothing. They’re just happy to get into something that no one else is up on, thereby making them somehow superior(h). Once the rest of us “discover” the band, sound, or flavor of Fruit Roll-Ups, it’s all, “They were better before they blew up,” “I like their early stuff,” etc., which is really just code for, “Now that people who actually have a reference for this stuff have showed up, it’s time for me to hightail it to the next ‘undiscovered’ regional sound.”

The results? The comeuppance of bad Houston rap, the crucifixion of M.I.A. and, on the horizon: Spankrock!

(Somewhere in the mix is an extremely entertaining and sweetly vicious minx of new artist named Lily Allen, who must have gotten wack once her album dropped. But don’t let that stop you.)

But within this sea of whyteness there are shades of grey(i), resulting in anti-hipster hipsters, wigger-hating whyte boys, a few genuinely cool indiviuals and the types of cowards who would never say the n-word, but seem to go out of their way to quote rap lyrics that use it(j).

Eh.

I have no point. But chew on that shit for a while, you goddamned crackers(k).

TMW: Ten reasons why SOHH sucks donkey balls. (I’m sure there’s more, but I’m not that bored.)

————————————–

(a) You’re a bunch of fuckin’ ingrates. And, sadly, you despoilers of logic give my life meaning.

(b) That’s the second lie they teach you; the first one is “God.”

(c) And I actually do that little thing with my fingers when I say “quotes.”

(d) Note to any of you reading: You can take me off the comp list anytime you want, you know. I’m good. From what I hear, Vibe will be worth reading again soon.

(e) This may come as a shock to you children, but I have often been accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve. That’s me, just a ball of unbridled emotion.

(f) You can also stop e-mailing queries about young negro fashion, thank you very much.

(g) How’s that for irony?

(h) Not unlike the children who claim “first!” on comment pages all across les internetes.

(i) Remember what I said about binaries, you small-minded twits.

(j) I’m looking at you, Tom Breihan.

(k) Because, as we all know—my well-documented penchant for whyte meat aside— I’m a racist.

  • http://rockthedub.blogspot.com khal

    wow…

    now I know why I stopped reading Blender. I saw a link to that “swayze” shit before, but didn’t read the whole thing… I feel like shit now.

    And then they ask why we’re hostile…

  • john cochran

    That shit is funny but its true. Them white boys swear they listen to better rappers than you do all the time.

  • http://www.thursdayplantation.blogspot.com lar

    g-damn.

  • DocZeus

    Sigh…Further proof, the whole concept of race needs to go wholesale. This post is bullshit.

    -From a white rap fan that is neither a wigger or a hipster.

  • http://www.trendsettazinc.com DJ Main Event

    i look @ that shit rather suspect.

    i feel like telling these sorts of people that its alright if youre not up on what we’ve been up to © Lupe Fiasco

    people need to start being themselves again. fuck stop snitching, the new tag should be ‘stop fronting’

    myspace.com/djmainevent

  • http://www.allhiphop.com Rey

    Eh, White folks tend to be lame. The fact that they’ve embraced their lameness as a gimmick to hide said lameness doesn’t change that.

    You know who never fucks with anybody? Eskimos. Eskimos just mind they business.

    (sorry, just trying to add some levity..Kris Ex scares me)

  • gees dat dude

    its always some shit why i know a bunch of cool ass whit boys that dont try to be hipsters or wiggers they cool mafuckas who listent to hip hop. i mean i do hate wiggers and shit but hate black mafuckas who go out of they way to act white. fuck it i just hate lame ass mafuckas who dont know how to do them.

  • http://villagevoice.com/blogs/statusainthood Tom Breihan

    Huh. That’s a new one.

  • http://www.myspace.com/specialopsbez B-EZ

    “…comeuppance of bad Houston rap”, Thank God.

  • http://thewaltreport.blogspot.com Big Walt

    Also a rather disturbing trend amongst white people involved with hip hop is the practice of trying to be THE white guy.

    What this means is that everyone wants to be the only white guy out of the crew so that they can be cool and unique. When another white guy comes around they start hating on them and trying to prove their superior downness. The whole thing’s a big mess.

    Also, I would venture to say that a large portion of lower class white rap fans aren’t really wiggers at all. They can identify with the attitudes and content present in the music, and adopt said attitudes and form of dress. Which is why “redneck” kids in the the rural Midwest are wearing big white t-shirts and putting rims on their cars now.

  • Busters Mom

    In Canada, I hear, Hipsters are mostly Korean and Japanese. And Jewish.

    Whatcha gonna do?

  • http://nope.com/ will dukes

    tee hee.

  • Freddy Freeloader

    @Rey: Nobody fucks with Eskimo’s ‘cuz they’re too gully with those spears.

  • Freddy Freeloader

    Oh damn, being a white person I apparently can no longer just have love for hiphop like I thought I did. I either have to be a hipster or a wigger!
    Ummh….
    Can’t some cool black person on these boards tell me which is considered the lesser of two evils so I can choose? If none is available a down-ass latino’ll do. Thanks in advance!

  • Mrs Damian Marley

    why must everyone fit into one box or another, I am looked at funny because I’m a young black female that enjoys all types of music from TI to the Wu, Outkast, Phil Collins, Common, E Badu, Lauryn Hill, No Doubt, Dead Prez, Bob Marley, Damian Marley, The Goo Goo Dolls, and much more. The only time I hear about choice of music is when I am around black people (i don’t hang with any white people, work with but not chill) that doesn’t mean I’m trying to be white because I listen to their music, not trying to be Jamaican because I listen to reggae, I just enjoy different music on different days you can’t put a label on everyone

  • http://xxlmag.com exo

    Breihan: I ain’t alone in this observation. Take it for checking.

    Walt: I’m not one to argue for victimization, but I’d gather that a poor whyte dude can identify with being Black about as much as much as drag queen can identify with being female.

    Freddy & Mrs Marley: Let’s just make believe I didn’t mention the fallacy of binaries. Twice.

    And no one fucks with the Eskimos cause all the toxic waste and unused ammunition that this country’s been dumping in the oceans for decades is sending them the way of the dodo. You can look it up.

  • I Fux

    @rey

    I assume you are hipster because you live in the past tense all the time about when such and such artist used to be hot or whatever the fuck I hate people who talk about the past like it was the best shit ever, I listen to an old Run DMC album on my ipod which was created like a minute ago, so who gives a fuck if hip hop is dead; it cant all of a sudden be like it used to be when De La Soul or Public Enemy actually mattered, Niggas are getting mad cake these days with all the opportunties afforded to them by the doors Run DMC, so to think someone is going to rap the same or with the same hunger is ignorant. Niggas is all about getting money and brandishing that shit in our face. So next time you see a hipster with a grill you will see what hip hop is nowdays, just one big fucking commercial of selling you the latest shit, its immpossible to ignore 50Cent rocking an Ipod on P.I.M.P. or selling some fucking flavored water. It is what it is hip hop wont be the same ever, so just back and enjoy it and if you dont like dont listen; thats exactly what i do.

    * This brings a great qoute to mind from the great coach Bobby Knight “If rape is inevitable why doesnt the victim just sit back and enjoy it”

  • Sonny Cheeba

    “fuck yo couch nicca”

  • doomzkid

    I could give a shit about anybody’s opinions or labels on anything. Do you, don’t be a faggot and worry about the next man. Man, there is no hope for our generation. We failed, and this postmakes it all too obvious. Maybe the next one will be better.

  • Epitome

    I don’t care what you say, that Blender article was funny, and says a lot about the superficial nature of Hip-Hop marketing and “the mixtape game.” Rap isn’t special; it doesen’t get to choose who can & can’t make fun of it. If it did a good job of that, Blender wouldn’t have to point out what a farce much of it can be.

  • http://xxlmag.com exo

    Epitome:

    Well, I don’t care what you say, either. So there.

  • Freddy Freeloader

    @EXO: I read your column, I was being sarcastic.
    Hey, I guess you’re the only one that’s allowed too extrapolate over here, I’m sorry! (Being sarcastic again).

  • http://www.allhiphop.com Rey

    I Fux–

    Ehh, I hear you. I just have a fond appreciation for the good ol’ days.

    As for being a “hipster”, definitely not. Too fat, too hispanic, and too poor for that nonsense.

    In any event, I agree with you.

  • http://www.dirtydesign.net Antonio DePietro

    You make some excellent points. I think this “regional” -hopping-oneupmanship is beyond corny (word to DJ “Hyphy” Shadow).

    When will it end? Cant we all agree that most hip-hop coming out in 2006 is pretty much recycled garbage? I dont really buy it when a middle class whyte kid tells me with a straight face that Jeezy is the next shit and do i have the new “BMore club” tape? -Wigga please!

    I have to admit i own we got it for cheap vol.2…

  • The Australian

    Black, White, Asian. Who gives a fuck? I know poor White people, I know poor black people. Why do you care how someone else acts? Down here we are trying to fix our racist problems (and believe me we have some problems that you wouldn’t believe) but you fuckheads in the US want to keep the fire burning. Well fuck you! I’m half black half white. What does that make me in “the land of the free?” Fuckin’ clowns.

  • http://thewaltreport.blogspot.com Big Walt

    “poor whyte dude can identify with being Black about as much as much as drag queen can identify with being female.”

    True, but they can identify with being part of a marginalized cultural group.

    This isn’t a new idea. Have you ever read A People’s History Of The United States? Blacks and poor Whites have been in an analogous position ever since there’s been a United Snakes.

    I never said we could identify with being Black. The implication was that we could identify with being underprivegded, having less access to resources, being discriminated against by the dominant culture, having problems with police, having high teenage pregnancy rates, and living around drug problems.

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but a lot of hip hop seems to address those issues.

  • http://www.not4u.com whywastetime

    does this guy get paid to write? whats the derogatory nickname for an average knucklehead working blue, fronting to be a creative writer?

  • Paul

    Kris Ex is the white byron crawford.

  • Styles

    what the fuck was the point of this?

  • crizzle

    look i respect black people but fuck bryan crawford u fuckin racist shit. fuck ur dad as well, u fucking nerd, i seen ur pic u bald neeky fuckin queer. u keep saying cracker and people are going to start calling u a ni994. my black friends get offended by the word cracka cos they think it means whip cracker as in whipping black slaves but ur fuckin dick wipe punk ass think u can spread the word ‘yo i fucked my mom last night and am trying to spread more racist insults’. saying that paul wall and mike shinoda are wiggaz because they rap well you could be called a wannabe white for a journalist. no ur writing is interesting or inventive, try another job u fucking shithole

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