I Ain’t Making You The Butt Of My Jokes

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Okay children, before you get all indignant and cry that your life is now scarred because your virtual surrogate father figure has broken his word, I’d like you to note that it was still Thursday in Oakland when I began writing this post(a).

Still, if you must know, when a man or woman gets of a certain age in this great country of hypocrisy, lies and wage slavery, the state in which they reside gives them to the right to imbibe as much alcohol as they want(b). Sometimes following up on this blue-eyed God given right is not such a good thing. Especially when it is hot as a Serengeti morning and conspiracy theories forbid you from investing in air conditioning. Such a confluence of variables can add new depths to the meaning of your soul burning slow from a self-ethering.

It also doesn’t help if you have to spend a good portion of your day holding palaver with whyte people who actually fall into the “genuinely cool individuals” category who just need to be sure you weren’t talking greasy the day before(c).

At any rate, after hearing this “Wamp Wamp” snippet that is inexplicably floating everywhere over les internetes but here(d), I can say I don’t see what the big deal is. See, unlike some Outkast Stans, I don’t claim that shit is the best thing since Southernplayalisticadillacmuzick simply because one of my favorite groups did it. Granted, I haven’t heard the whole song(e) and Push-a-Ton does have that great “give a bitch yellow fever, all these gold bottles” line(f). And I have yet to hear one syllable from Malice, who always comes just as good, if not better than, little brother Push.

And shit, it’s better any of that bullshit that Outkast has put out this year. Lie to yourselves all you want. All I want for Christmas in July is We Got It 4 Cheap Vol. 3. Or an Ab-Liva mixtape(g).

Now, I’m getting sick of saying fuck Jive Records, so I think I’ll just say that the Zomba Group can go to Hell in a vat of Uncle Wray’s on a hot summer day(h).

Anyhoo, SOHH is garbage—straight up and down. Trash in its highest digitized form. And the fact that some of you children read that poor excuse of a website would explain why you need little notes inside your shoes that say “toes go first.”

So. . .

Ten Reasons Why SOHH Sucks Donkey Balls
(I’m really freestyling this, so don’t come at me expecting some sort of hierarchical logic. And feel free to look that word up, you devolved misfits.)

1. Their Site Is Butt Ugly and Their Navigation Sucks — As I am far from alone on this observation, I really feel no need to go into it with any amount of detail.

2. Their “News” Section Sucks — It’s basically regurgitated press releases and shit that’s plagiarized from real news sources. Honestly, I don’t feel that they should be encroaching on Clyde Smith’s territory with such aplomb.

3. Their Blogs — You call those blogs? Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit.

4. Their Fruitflies Are Even Dumber Than You Guys — Which is really saying a lot(i).

5. They’re Grammar Sucks Orangutan Nuts — No homo standard, but I’m very anal about things like “they’re” vs. “their,” “whose” vs. “who’s,” “it’s” vs. its,” and so forth. But, judging from the erroneous syntax found in the comments across these pages, I am in the minority on this.

6. Their “Exclusive” Sources — These sources almost “exclusively” read like Ray-Ray from the barbershop. You can look it up.

7. They Tried To Stick Their Hand In The XXL Cookie Jar — I’m not one to tell tales out of school, but if they didn’t try to lure a certain blogger from this site with promises of mondo ducats, we wouldn’t have vicked Fresh and Eskay(j).

8. They Got Rid Of My Favorite Whipping Boy — I can’t front like a great source of joy derived from this gig was lost when they let him go. Like, what am I supposed to do now? Beef with some cornball who lurks around our comments sections?

9. “The Pulse Report” — Supposedly it’s what the skreets are buzzing about, but it’s basically a rundown of internet nerd shit that you’d already be up on if you had NahRight on your RSS feed.

10. They’ve Been The Number Two Hip-Hop Website By Default — How you gon’ be in the game for a decade and let AllHipHop(k) sun you? That’s just plain embarrassing. And don’t think we ain’t gonna do our numbers over here, bitches. Good night and good luck, your goddamnedselves.

TMW: Not a goddamned thing. It’s the weekend, children. Go get some sun.

————————————–

(a) And sometimes that’s all that matters.

(b) Ironically, the age at which one can pick up a gun and murder foreign nationals “for their country” is much lower. Go figure.

(c) The fact that some of these people are gatekeepers to the little pieces of green paper that can get you more of those good spirits and wines means that it is in your best interest to have said conversations, for as we all well know, the hair of the dog that bit you is not free. Oh, no.

(d) Seems amongst thieves the honor is dead.

(e) I have resigned myself to waiting until the full album is in stores or online, whichever comes first. Which will be online. Standard.

(f) I love when he gets all Roy G. Biv with it. Eghck.

(g) If you don’t know why I say this, you’re clearly not listening. Clearly.

(h) Not that there’s any such thing as Hell, but still. That Uncle Wray’ll have you on your ass if you ain’t know.

(i) You children must understand that I only berate you because I love you. Trust me, this all hurts me more than it hurts you.

(j) Not for nothing, I—in a perfectly healthy and heterosexual manner—love the shit out of everyone on my squad and would put anything on us. We the Black Cards of this internet shit. Don’t get it twitted.

(k) Those gully bastards, I fucks with.

  • Freddy Freeloader

    “They’re Grammar Sucks Orangutan Nuts”

    Dats write!

  • http://www.hiphop-blogs.com Hashim

    For those wondering why Kris Ex is dissing SOHH, here’s a little background:
    Kris asked Jay Smooth for a referral to SOHH’s editor so he could get his book, “How To Draw Hip-Hop” reviewed. Even though he didn’t like how I handled his 50 Cent “autobiography” on my Media Chin-Check blog, he had hopes that the premier hip-hop website would give his latest book a fair shake.

    SOHH didn’t review or feature books at that time, so they gave the project over to me to blog about. Here’s what I wrote:
    http://blogs.sohh.com/media_check/archives/2005/11/how_to_draw_hip.html

    (Peep the comment section to see who co-signed it, pre-Kool Aid, back when he was neutral)

    Kris Ex got mad and let his grudge against me spread to SOHH proper. He also went on a fact finding mission over AIM to discover my salary and benefits, where I live, my job status, my real name (!), my past work, who I was trying to hire, etc. Because he’s a hip-hop journalist, most of what he found out was rumors and lies.

    Kris began dissing me and SOHH in his blog again, even though he promised not to last year. He even vowed to make more money than me from blogging and bragged about his gig at URGE. I played the humble role, because my bosses and mentor asked me not to respond. I’m still not responding – I just had to clear that up.

  • http://rockthedub.blogspot.com khal

    wow… I really never checked out SOHH on purpose. Shitty site nonetheless.

    “Not for nothing, I—in a perfectly healthy and heterosexual manner—love the shit out of everyone on my squad and would put anything on us. We the Black Cards of this internet shit. Don’t get it twitted.”

    Word.

  • TORRY

    I actually like SOHH. I don’t see anything wrong with it. the site you should really go hard at is allhiphop.com. I don’t think they know what spell checker is over there

  • the un-etherer

    How much you get paid to try to “ether” those other sites? Hilarious. The same people read all of these sites and comment, on the reg. Each one of them has their merit, and bullshit too.(including this one) BTW, OutKast is 1000x the Clipse ( the clipse are good , tho) and all of thier million “white” metaphors

  • http://www.myspace.com/skdamc skdamc

    Sohh, you’re sayin’ that all these sites can’t co-exist? I come here for the bangers and Columnists,AllHipHop.com for news and rumors and Sohh for the blogs which, I can’t front, beats shit down XXL’s legs. You should contact Ronnie Mexxx ’cause you got alot of hateration up in you and don’t act lie you don’t know who I’m talkin’ about because from your blog it seems like you spend alot time over there, gang.
    Holla

  • http://conniesbitch.org connie’s bitch

    “But, judging from the erroneous syntax found in the comments across these pages, I am in the minority on this.”

    you genius bastard.

  • http://xxlmag.com exo

    Whipping Boy: You left out the part where I buy the magic beans and try to steal the goose that lays the golden eggs.

  • http://nahright.com eskay

    “back when he was neutral”

    I’m like Switzerland baby.

    for the record, the co-sign was for the joke on violence in hip hop. at the time, I was far removed from all this, so the intended subliminal went right over the dome.

    that is all.

  • http://www.myspace.com/kracktheking KR

    For someone who’s a whore for grammar, spelling “son” as “sun” at the end is pretty inexcusable.

  • G Off

    For what its worth: Sohh was average, then became above average when the blogs started popping. Ron Mexico is a top three talent on the internets.

    But, now XXL blogs are so much better than Sohh’s (excluding Ron, except when he is forced to review terrible cable shows by his bosses), its not even interesting to compare the two. Although, getting rid of Sickamore and Drama would add a lot of validity to this site.

    Besides all that, the overall quality at Sohh has gone way down in the last few months (not even counting the loss of Fresh and Eskay). The non blog pieces come off as opinion rather than news (or even neutral). I don’t know if the editor changed or what happened, but something isn’t right.

  • the dough

    Can I get my Grammar Police on too? “All I want for Christmas in July is We Got It 4 Cheap Vol. 3. Or an Ab-Liva mixtape(g).” Now, I don’t know if that is supposed to be two different sentences or what, but either way, you messed up. If it is two sentences the “Or” shouldn’t be capitalized, if it is one there sure as hell isn’t a predicate in “Or an Ab-Liva mixtape(g).” Step your editing game up kris.

  • http://xxlmag.com exo

    KR: Suns shed light and burn. Besides, I call my nigga sun cause he shine like one.

    Dough: As if.

    And I guess I have to find out who this Ron Mexico is.

  • jimi

    Hashim: You already know.

    Exo: Stop egging it on. If there will be peace, let it lay peacefully. I asked for peace with with MY word, man to man, so I take some of the uneccesary ruffness personally. Let this be the last shot. From here, we build. Enough. Botha youse.

  • the dough

    Haha you didn’t like that one Exo? If you are quoting the same Rae line as I think you are I’m pretty sure it is “brotha” not “nigga”.

  • the dough

    Whoops, Method line, Rae song.

  • raul

    man this song is bullshit nonoe of the clipse songs have shit on mighty o. tell them to rap about any thing but coke please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://crunktastical.blogspot.com Fresh

    Well this made for very interesting late night reading.

  • I Am A Hater

    Lmao, blog beef, now thats funny. Almost as funny as Myspace beef.

  • suckitmarshall

    SOHH is cold like the sweat on a dead man’s balls. And I’m not from Chicago, so that ain’t a good thing.

  • illpoppa

    xxl is jealous of sohh so far as to post on your website hate. thats pathetic.

  • http://www.sohh.com/FORUMS Wat Tha Fuc

    It’s funny as hell how you have a top 10 reasons why SOHH sucks but dont even mention the forums. Our forums are by far the best on the net… aint no other place.. okayplayer.. AHH.. Boxden.. UGHH fuckin with us. I’d say a good 80% of the people that visit SOHH dont even fuck with the mainpage OR the blogs. It’s all about the forums muh’fucka.

  • paz

    yo… in number 8? who’s the whipping boy ya talking about?

  • paz

    and how you getting on sohh for misspelling when you misspelling “SON”. how you gonna let a sohh poster “son” you? step your spelling game up.

    this is the trojanman/pazzy/j.o.k speaking.

  • thoreauly77

    thats shit that clyde smith was writing on his site was truly bizarre. i think he might be in love with you and bol. scary.

  • http://ihatesohh.com sohh hater

    sohh does suck

  • suckmyballs

    suck my dick