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Holler at my connects

Oftentimes, on this site as well as my own site, I’ll talk about things and people I consider gully, but rarely is the question asked: What exactly is gully? Is it gorging yourself on McDonalds until your weight balloons to 700 pounds and then viciously beating your wife with a pistol while someone else videotapes? Or perhaps it’s opening your own modeling agency for the express purpose of having sex with the models.

Having followed hip-hop on the Internets since back when my life still contained an element of hope, I thought I had seen everything, but apparently, I hadn’t. In case you haven’t heard, once-prominent R&B producer Dallas Austin, who was facing four years in a Dubai prison (can you say ass rape?) for cocaine possession, somehow managed to get pardoned by calling in a favor from Utah Senator Orrin Hatch, of all people.

Seriously. Peep:

Senator Hatch made numerous phone calls on Mr. Austin’s behalf to the ambassador and consul of the United Arab Emirates embassy in Washington — Dubai is one of the seven emirates — and served as an intermediary for Mr. Austin’s representatives, the producer’s lawyers said.

Um, what fuck? Does this mean that Dallas Austin and Orrin Hatch kick it like that? Because I doubt I could get my own parents to come down to the jail and bail me out if I got busted with some yay. I suppose if it was a Dubai prison, they’d at least make a few phone calls, lest I show up on their doorstep four years later “tampered with,” but it’s not like Elliott Wilson has any connects in the United Arab Emirates.

At least, I don’t think he does.

It doesn’t really say one way or another in the New York Times story, but it could be the case that Austin and Senator Hatch, R-Utah, just so happen to have the same lawyer. Orrin Hatch, not unlike former Missouri (Midwest, stand up right now) Senator John Ashcroft, has been known to dabble in music himself and is said to have took in $39,092 in income last year from music publishing, in addition to whatever amount corporations pay him to pass laws in their favor.

Honestly, I have no idea what to make of all of this. On the one hand, it’s cool to think that a player in our industry holds such Don Corleone levels of sway with the elite in this country. If the trickle down theory of economics holds true, this could mean that a brother such as myself will be nailing some Russell Simmons-caliber tang before it’s all said and done with. Nullus.

On the other hand, you can’t help but feel sorry for all of the kids who got busted with a little yay and couldn’t afford a lawyer with Orrin Hatch in his speed dial. For all we know, a prison in the US might actually be worse than one in Dubai.

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