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Greatest Misses

His path to perfection in the post ‘Pac and Biggie era has been astounding. There’s no doubt whether truly retired or not, Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter is the best rapper alive and is on his way to being crowned the G.O.A.T. (And not just from MTV, fuckers.) Still everyone’s made mistakes and through the years, Marcy’s finest son has created a musical massacre or two. Fuck a Greatest Hits album, here is the definitive guide to the songs you’ll never see Jigga perform live. I promise you.

Jay-Z feat. Babyface and Foxy Brown “(Always Be My) Sunshine” (Roc-A-Fella, 1997)
Dame reportedly cursed Babyface out til he agreed to appear on this. Split or no split, we should still be cursing Dash out for co-signing this shit.

Jay-Z “The City Is Mine” (Roc-A-Fella, 1997)
Jigga asked Biggie for torch. Poppa wasn’t ready to give it to him yet.

Jay-Z feat. Puff Daddy and Lil Kim “I Know What Girls Like” (Roc-A-Fella, 1997)
Nobody liked Hova making Bad Boy sounding records.

Jay-Z feat. Mariah Carey “Things That U Do” (Roc-a-fella, 1999)
SC and MC? Sounds good on paper. But this found less takers than “Heartbreaker.”

Jay-Z feat. Amil “S. Carter” (Roc-A-Fella, 1999)
Shortie’s voice was never choice. Whoever thought Amil could blow? Oh no!

Jay-Z “Parking Lot Pimpin’” (Roc-A-Fella, 2000)
Hard to believe this crap was actually supposed to be the first single from The Dynasty.

Jay-Z feat. Beanie Sigel “Streets is Talking” (Roc-A-Fella, 2000)
“Streets is Watching” didn’t deserve this sucky sequel.

Jay-Z “The Ruler’s Back” (Roc-A-Fella, 2001)
The Blueprint classic began with a clunker. Leave Slick Rick’s catalogue alone.

Jay-Z & R. Kelly “Honey” (Roc-A-Fella/Jive, 2002)
A booty Bee Gees beat and Hovi’s flow here both had to “gooo.”

Jay-Z feat. Faith Evans and Notorious B.I.G. “A Dream” (Roc-A-Fella, 2002)
Another woeful ode to the Big guy upstairs.

Jay-Z feat. Beyonce “’03 Bonnie & Clyde” (Roc-A-Fella, 2002)
Being in love will make you do crazy things like remaking a song from an album that dissed you.

Jay-Z feat. Rell, Beanie Sigel, Peedi Crakk, Freeway, Memphis Bleek, Young Gunz, and Sparks “As One” (Roc-A-Fella, 2002)
An Earth Wind & Fire classic gets butchered on this pitiful posse cut.

Jay-Z “Change Clothes” (Roc-A-Fella, 2003)
Does anyone even remember this was The Black Album’s official jump-off? Unnecessary.

Jay-Z “Justify My Thug” (Roc-A-Fella, 2003)
Hooking up with DJ Quik for a Madonna makeover? Do over.

Jay-Z & R. Kelly “The Return” (Roc-A-Fella/Jive, 2004)
Didn’t I say leave Slick Rick’s catalogue alone. Like Kane said, “Damn, niggaz never learn.”

Jay-Z & R. Kelly “Big Chips” (Roc-A-Fella/Jive, 2004)
“First week a million sold?” Like LL said, “I don’t think so.”

Jay-Z & Linkin Park’s entire Collision Course catastrophe (Who Cares, 2004)
Only thing I like mashed is my potatoes, you burnt up French fries.

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