More MySpace Freaks

Apparently this week it’s my turn to piss off the fruit flies. Sensitive (internet) thugs, y’all need hugs.

Speaking of Net shenanigans, anyone who hasn’t checked it out yet should head over to Grafh’s page and listen to his nasty ode to online lust, “MySpace Jumpoff.” Mr. MySpace Pimp has some hilarious one-liners about his quest for Internet booty.

The MySpace phenomenon never fails to amuse me. Despite what anyone may tell you (your group will blow up! you will get a record deal! thousands of new fans will turn up at your shows!), after a couple months on it, I have come to the conclusion that MS is not about music at all. [1]

In reality, the social networking site was designed for the sole purpose of getting random chicks to engage in text sex with semi-famous rappers. Or email them naked pictures.

The wildly popular site hasn’t just changed how artists get groupie love, though, it’s also influenced how everyone else hooks up. MySpace is essentially the fast food of flings. In other words, it has managed to make casual sex even more casual.

Here’s the top 5 ways MySpace has changed dating practices worldwide. (And by “dating,” I don’t actually mean dating.)

1. Nobody messes with people in their own city anymore.
Members of the MySpace generation rarely hook up with anyone in their own area code. This, of course, eliminates all manner of awkwardness. No uncomfortable morning-afters, no dodging meeting friends and family, no tricky “where is this going?” convos.

2. Flirting takes a whole lot less effort. This makes it possible to flirt with lots of people at the same time.
Regular dudes must feel like they’ve won the lottery with MySpace. It’s no longer necessary to ask around about a chick, or drop by her work, or get a hold of her phone number, or push up on her in the club. Now all a man has to do to holler is find out who her friends are and log on. In fact, guys don’t even need to know who they are looking for. They just need to know that they’re looking. They can cruise profiles until they find something appealing, send a friend request, and boom—start something up in a matter of seconds. At any time of the day or night.

3. Despite the fact that people are talking about sex more, they are actually having it less. See #1.

4. Dudes who want a jumpoff chick no longer have to pretend they’re looking for a relationship.
Their friend gallery and comments section make things abundantly clear. A hundred scantily clad strippers on his page? ScandalousSally wants to know why he hasn’t instant messaged her in few days? BostonBooty wants to welcome him to her world? Uh-huh.

5. Playboys have every move they make recorded, leaving behind a digital trail. [2]
This makes creeping a whole lot more difficult—and pissing women off a whole lot more dangerous. You know the whole hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-woman-scorned routine? When you cross that scenario with the world wide web, you are headed for troubled waters. Girls will stalk your ass but good (you know how detective some chicks can get), and then leave a trail of bitterness on every page you frequent. Not to give anyone any ideas, but I bet we’ll start to see a lot more groupies and chicks on the side blowing up dudes’ spots via MySpace. Some females will get caught out, too, I’m sure. [3]

_________________

[1] Yep, I do have a page. But only because I have this masochistic desire to waste hours of my life that I will never get back keeping up with what every unsigned rapper under the sun has recorded.

[2] Did anyone else hear Christina Milian on Hot 97 blasting Nick Cannon for cheating and revealing that she found out by hacking into his Sidekick and reading all his text messages?

[3] I have this girlfriend in London who met a guy in an indie band on MySpace and messed with him for a while. He lived in Atlanta and she went there for work often. One day she looked at his MS profile and noticed a “in a relationship” tag up. As it turns out, Atlanta Boy had started dating a girl who actually lived in the same city as him. He kept talking to my friend London Girl. But New Girlfriend had a blog and obsessively checked her blog stats, so was able to bust both London Girl and Atlanta Boy’s ex-girlfriend in L.A. (who he was also talking to) snooping around her blog every day. New Girlfriend had a fit and then Atlanta Boy shamed London Girl and L.A. Girl for their online lurking. However, Atlanta Boy did not get the last word. London Girl and L.A. Girl also have their own blogs. And they also have blog stats and MySpace pages. So the two of them found each other and had a lengthy IM convo about Atlanta Boy. Then they started clowning him on their blogs and MS pages and eventually took the whole campaign to his MS comments section, further enraging New Girlfriend. His MySpace pimping days came to a crashing halt.

  • http://www.myspace.com/lone_Nigerian lone Nigerian

    is it really that serious?
    i have had myspace for months and nothing of this sort has happened to me.

  • nation of thugacation

    damn that was good. lol that was some pretty funny shit. well written too. [3] is what we like to call karma

  • The ON1E

    someone needs to fire this bitch, she writes pointless columns…

  • http://xxlmag.com fresh

    Myspace is the devil. Point blank.

  • Mikey Ess AKA SukedowN

    You know entirely too much about these supposed MySpace hook-up process.

    Those participating in this alleged web of compulsive hook-ups are probably either

  • Mikey Ess AKA SukedowN
  • Jafar

    the ON1E^^ so funny, yet so true.
    Nothin like that has eva happend to me either

  • http://rockthedub.blogspot.com khal

    pimpin’ ain’t easy.

  • NoMamesBuey

    Tara, your blog post here is hillarious. I think myspace is good on the whole, but can be misused or overused, just like tv, the internet, the phone, etc.

    Keep up the good work, eh!

  • http://www.thecouchsessions.com Stone

    Yeah, WTF? Been on that damn site for almost 2 years now with no “jumpoff” to show for it. Can someone direct all this MySpace ass my way???????

  • http://www.sickamore.com Sickamore

    Guilty as charged

  • Lefty 2Gunz

    I personally hate even the thought of My Space. To me besides the the whole find some booty thing, it’s just a bunch of nosy mufuckas.

    I could give a damn about people from highschool or that I used to work with. If we aint comunnicating now then obviously we weren’t that close in the first place.
    Who cares what the hell you been doing the last 5-10 yrs it hasn’t involved me or isn’t helping better my life so bounce.

    Same thing in the streets, I hate when peeps come up to you like “remember me from highschool or member me from way back when?” I just givem the gas face and be like yeah so what.

    If the kids wanna play with that sh!t then fine but to me most people are too old to be out tryin to make new friends to “hang out with” and all that dumb sh!t

    It really bugs me out at the info people will put on the internet about themselves. What happened to hittin up the bars, the thrill of the chase, out on the scene and sh!t?

    Not to mention when you see these chicks friends and it’s hella dudes on there you gotta assume she done smashed with at least a 1/3 to 1/2 of these cats and here another nicca is gettin excited to run up in it.

    NO THANKS!!!!!!!!

  • silva

    this was a good blog, I don’t care what the “fire this bitch” guy says. better than bc rambling about immigrants and ew’s “random song questlove-ness”

    as far as myspace goes, I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump n grind. I don’t pick up hoes off that shit but if some good lookin chick wanted to meet up and give me top a top on top of the top then hey I didn’t have anything else to do on monday at 2:37.. watch out for them trannies tho nhjic and you know half these scallywags got the MONSTAH

  • no big tigger

    fire her.

  • rip round’n rock

    myspace is the new friendster

  • Blaq Thought

    I had to quote Lefty 2Gunz. This cat read my thoughts on this MySpace phenom-shit. All it is Blackplanet with more music and more non-blackpeople. There’s nothing better than chasing a woman face to face and flirting directly to get some action. That’s what real Big Game Hunters do (How to Catch a Beautiful Girl when your Bank Account is Ugly book coming soon . . . . . )!

    Lefty 2Gunz Says:

    June 19th, 2006 at 10:44 am
    I personally hate even the thought of My Space. To me besides the the whole find some booty thing, it’s just a bunch of nosy mufuckas.

    I could give a damn about people from highschool or that I used to work with. If we aint comunnicating now then obviously we weren’t that close in the first place.
    Who cares what the hell you been doing the last 5-10 yrs it hasn’t involved me or isn’t helping better my life so bounce.

    Same thing in the streets, I hate when peeps come up to you like “remember me from highschool or member me from way back when?” I just givem the gas face and be like yeah so what.

    If the kids wanna play with that sh!t then fine but to me most people are too old to be out tryin to make new friends to “hang out with” and all that dumb sh!t

    It really bugs me out at the info people will put on the internet about themselves. What happened to hittin up the bars, the thrill of the chase, out on the scene and sh!t?

    Not to mention when you see these chicks friends and it’s hella dudes on there you gotta assume she done smashed with at least a 1/3 to 1/2 of these cats and here another nicca is gettin excited to run up in it.

    NO THANKS!!!!!!!!

  • gees dat dude

    i think mafuckas who use the internet period to meet people is fuckin lame i dont want to know some bitch who got her ass out on fucking myspace and if she willing to fuck a nigga she really dont know shit about something wrong wit the bitch anyway.

  • Meka Soul

    >3] I have this girlfriend in London who met a guy in an indie band on MySpace and messed with him for a while. He lived in Atlanta and she went there for work often. One day she looked at his MS profile and noticed a “in a relationship” tag up. As it turns out, Atlanta Boy had started dating a girl who actually lived in the same city as him. He kept talking to my friend London Girl. But New Girlfriend had a blog and obsessively checked her blog stats, so was able to bust both London Girl and Atlanta Boy’s ex-girlfriend in L.A. (who he was also talking to) snooping around her blog every day. New Girlfriend had a fit and then Atlanta Boy shamed London Girl and L.A. Girl for their online lurking. However, Atlanta Boy did not get the last word. London Girl and L.A. Girl also have their own blogs. And they also have blog stats and MySpace pages. So the two of them found each other and had a lengthy IM convo about Atlanta Boy. Then they started clowning him on their blogs and MS pages and eventually took the whole campaign to his MS comments section, further enraging New Girlfriend. His MySpace pimping days came to a crashing halt.>

    um….. what?

  • Blaq Thought

    There’s nothing better than chasing a woman face to face and flirting directly to get some action. That’s what real Big Game Hunters do (How to Catch a Beautiful Girl when your Bank Account is Ugly book coming soon . . . . . )!

  • Laura

    My ex-wonderful ex-boyfriend of over three years starting MySpace to further his Djing career. HA!! Not a single music contact…but lots and lots of sexy flirty mails that have progressed to every other sort of messaging, with pretty girls half his age. If they were as sexy as their pic why were they there anyway? MySpace is invidious (or maybe its just some people that are?)

  • http://www.soulmafia.net www.soulmafia.net

    We use our myspace for good not evil check and see… We bring live music (hip hop) back to the street

    http://www.soulmafia.net

  • yes

    I guess I’m out of the myspace loop, although I tend to look at friends friends and what not, just for fun.

    London Girl and Ex-Girlfriend oughta put Atlanta Boy on dontdatehimgirl.com lol that’s the new thing

  • girl please

    omg…so you’re one of those chicks that judges people based on whose on their friend’s list??? that is truly lame – maybe some of the broke-down artists you know are using myspace to get ass (or at least look like it), but a lot of artists i know hit up people in certain age groups, both genders, in certain regions to get people to check out their music. the math is simple – the more folks you add, the more opportunity you have to get heard. i’ve never heard of any musician having to use myspace for ass; it seems like a guy who has a talent to strum his own nose hair and make music can STILL get some sorry broad to be a groupie in real life!

    anyone truly on the grind for an indie music career doesn’t give a damn what a person’s profile pic – he/she is trying to make a living off of their craft! Broads in thongs buy CDs just like anyone else (and hell more likely than Poindexter Peter who bootlegs everything from the filesharing sites). And do you know how many groupie chicks on myspace leave comments to make other people think they actually KNOW the artist? 99% of the time they wouldn’t know bruh if they walked into him on the street. I can’t speak for all musicians on myspace, but not all of the indie artists are dudes trying to get some by posing as rappers. You need to be careful of the “rappers” trying to be on some ol’ conciousness nonsense and its all just a front to get ass — those are the ones that get the most ass, and they get it from chicks on their friends list like (made up names here) “soulful siren” or “queen mother goddess of the nile” or “free spirited butterfly” who think they are above all the other women on myspace but will hoe it up in a heart beat for some dude spittin lyrically intense shit that doesn’t even make sense lol!

  • http://www.myspace.co/fayrothedon fayro
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