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More MySpace Freaks

Apparently this week it’s my turn to piss off the fruit flies. Sensitive (internet) thugs, y’all need hugs.

Speaking of Net shenanigans, anyone who hasn’t checked it out yet should head over to Grafh’s page and listen to his nasty ode to online lust, “MySpace Jumpoff.” Mr. MySpace Pimp has some hilarious one-liners about his quest for Internet booty.

The MySpace phenomenon never fails to amuse me. Despite what anyone may tell you (your group will blow up! you will get a record deal! thousands of new fans will turn up at your shows!), after a couple months on it, I have come to the conclusion that MS is not about music at all. [1]

In reality, the social networking site was designed for the sole purpose of getting random chicks to engage in text sex with semi-famous rappers. Or email them naked pictures.

The wildly popular site hasn’t just changed how artists get groupie love, though, it’s also influenced how everyone else hooks up. MySpace is essentially the fast food of flings. In other words, it has managed to make casual sex even more casual.

Here’s the top 5 ways MySpace has changed dating practices worldwide. (And by “dating,” I don’t actually mean dating.)

1. Nobody messes with people in their own city anymore.
Members of the MySpace generation rarely hook up with anyone in their own area code. This, of course, eliminates all manner of awkwardness. No uncomfortable morning-afters, no dodging meeting friends and family, no tricky “where is this going?” convos.

2. Flirting takes a whole lot less effort. This makes it possible to flirt with lots of people at the same time.
Regular dudes must feel like they’ve won the lottery with MySpace. It’s no longer necessary to ask around about a chick, or drop by her work, or get a hold of her phone number, or push up on her in the club. Now all a man has to do to holler is find out who her friends are and log on. In fact, guys don’t even need to know who they are looking for. They just need to know that they’re looking. They can cruise profiles until they find something appealing, send a friend request, and boom—start something up in a matter of seconds. At any time of the day or night.

3. Despite the fact that people are talking about sex more, they are actually having it less. See #1.

4. Dudes who want a jumpoff chick no longer have to pretend they’re looking for a relationship.
Their friend gallery and comments section make things abundantly clear. A hundred scantily clad strippers on his page? ScandalousSally wants to know why he hasn’t instant messaged her in few days? BostonBooty wants to welcome him to her world? Uh-huh.

5. Playboys have every move they make recorded, leaving behind a digital trail. [2]
This makes creeping a whole lot more difficult—and pissing women off a whole lot more dangerous. You know the whole hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-woman-scorned routine? When you cross that scenario with the world wide web, you are headed for troubled waters. Girls will stalk your ass but good (you know how detective some chicks can get), and then leave a trail of bitterness on every page you frequent. Not to give anyone any ideas, but I bet we’ll start to see a lot more groupies and chicks on the side blowing up dudes’ spots via MySpace. Some females will get caught out, too, I’m sure. [3]

_________________

[1] Yep, I do have a page. But only because I have this masochistic desire to waste hours of my life that I will never get back keeping up with what every unsigned rapper under the sun has recorded.

[2] Did anyone else hear Christina Milian on Hot 97 blasting Nick Cannon for cheating and revealing that she found out by hacking into his Sidekick and reading all his text messages?

[3] I have this girlfriend in London who met a guy in an indie band on MySpace and messed with him for a while. He lived in Atlanta and she went there for work often. One day she looked at his MS profile and noticed a “in a relationship” tag up. As it turns out, Atlanta Boy had started dating a girl who actually lived in the same city as him. He kept talking to my friend London Girl. But New Girlfriend had a blog and obsessively checked her blog stats, so was able to bust both London Girl and Atlanta Boy’s ex-girlfriend in L.A. (who he was also talking to) snooping around her blog every day. New Girlfriend had a fit and then Atlanta Boy shamed London Girl and L.A. Girl for their online lurking. However, Atlanta Boy did not get the last word. London Girl and L.A. Girl also have their own blogs. And they also have blog stats and MySpace pages. So the two of them found each other and had a lengthy IM convo about Atlanta Boy. Then they started clowning him on their blogs and MS pages and eventually took the whole campaign to his MS comments section, further enraging New Girlfriend. His MySpace pimping days came to a crashing halt.

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